So I'm a f17 and I've had my hocd since I was 13.
When I was around 11-12 I also had obsessive paranoid thoughts and fears about being kidnapped, so when my first hocd thoughts kicked in I thought it would just go away like the other ones did, and boy was I wrong.
It's been a long, horrible struggle. I've had incest fears, false attractions (HORRIBLY REALISTIC) which made me have to distance myself from all my good female friends, for a while I wasn't able to use the word 'come out' or 'straight' because it would spike me so much.
I also had the phase where I'd get anxious because I wouldn't have any anxiety when intrusive thoughts would pop in.
But my current phase is the worst of all because it is SO REALISTIC. Like, when I had the fear of being attracted to my own parents, there was this strong voice in my head yelling 'that's not normal and ofc you don't like them,it's obviously a spike!!' but these current fears are so realistic.
I know for a fact that I find girls pretty and admire them but I'd never do anything with them. The thought of dating a girl doesn't cause me anxiety anymore but it holds no excitement to it whatsoever and it doesn't give me butterflies and 'awh' feeling like thinking about boys does.

My attraction to boys never fully went away (like for some people it did) but it would disappear for a while sometimes, for example when I had the fear of being asexual (ugh!!!)

The pattern I notice is that whenever I get a new spike,my old one would suddenly seem so funny and stupid to me. Like when I was fearing that I was asexual my mind was like yep you don't like girls but you also don't like boys so....

It just really sucks sometimes. I never had a boyfriend or have been kissed or in any type of situation like that (which is strange for a 17 y/o these days) and my mind instantly screams 'that's because you knew you were gay all along'. I'm not really the type to like EVERY boy that hits on me, I do have big standards, but I had all boy crushes (I even read my old diary and it only talked about boys that I liked), never ever did I want to be with a girl.

One day I was thinking about how if this hocd thing continues I'd never find a boyfriend and everyone thinks I'm gay so why not be gay then. It made me so depressed and made me wanna puke. I also have the fear that everyone,including my family,thinks I'm gay but they're just waiting for me to come out, and this forces me to think about everything I do and how I dress bc I don't want to 'look' or talk like I'm gay (no sense,I know).

Is anyone going through a similar phase? Or maybe already went through it? If so, please share some tips and experiences down below.