I brought out my shotgun today and put the barrel in my mouth. I couldn't reach the trigger with my hand. I'd have to use my toe. I wanted to, more than anything. The thought pops in my head several times a day, out of nowhere, a video playing in my mind of blowing off my head. I don't know where the the thought comes from. A good friend of mine, my uncle, and my grandfather have all killed themselves. My mother, my brother, and a former college roommate have attempted. People kill themselves when they're around me. Am I saying something, doing something that depresses them? I can't change who I am and I don't want to depress people. I don't understand it. I'm a sensitive person. I could never intentionally hurt another living soul. I cannot express what I feel. I either show no emotion at all or all turn into a sobbing mess when I feel anything. It doesn't matter what I'm feeling, happy, sad, angry, it all comes out the same. I push away my emotions when around other people because if I don't, I know I'll break down. Its embarrassing. I'm defective, I cannot reciprocate love and it hurts people around me. My husband has the purest, most beautiful heart of anyone I've ever met. He deserves so much more than me. I cannot let him in too close because I don't want him to see how shriveled and damaged my heart is. Its selfish of me to stay with him. He deserves to have someone who is wholesome, kind, and honest. He deserves all the happiness that I can't give him. I tried changing, but I know that I never can. I'm broken and I cannot be fixed. I want to set my soul free. I don't want to live anymore and I don't want to continue to hurt those around me. Suicide is the logical solution. One day I'll have the courage, but I don't think it'll be today. I'm selfish today. I'm pathetic and weak. I couldn't pull the trigger. Maybe after a couple beers. I don't know. I'm tired.

Hugs hon - keep safe. If you want to talk I am here to listen

Cracked

Thank you Cracked.