When I think about holes in my past, chunks of events that are gone, black, holes in my mind, I feel like I'm being pulled underwater. I feel heavy, the waves rolling over me, the tide pulling me deeper and deeper out. Ironically, I remember where this feeling originated.

I was around four, one hand holding my older sisters and the other holding my dads as we walked out into the ocean. As kids, our goal was always to get past the breaking waves, to the places where the water rolled and swayed. I don't remember seeing the wave coming. One second we were holding hands and the next I wasn't. I was underwater, watching the swirls of sand around me as the wave tore at the ocean floor. I began tumbling and rolling, as the wave pulled me into darker waters. Then out of nowhere a hand pulls me up by the arm and drags me back to dry sand. It was my dad. He looked exhilarated. My sister was already well up on the beach. She looked terrified. Both were soaked, their hair full of sand. I obviously wasn't the only one knocked down.

I've been to the beach many many times since then and have since been knocked under more times than I can count by waves, but the feeling from this time stuck with me. When I try to remember holes in my past, events I know were off, I know were wrong, I get sucked back under the wave. I feel the wave rolling over me, heavy, dark. I feel myself drowning, tumbling and rolling into darker waters.