I've found that binder clips help a bit. They're less damaging than razors, don't bleed, don't scar. They cause pain while I need it, but when removed, the memory of the pain fades and I don't have to look at scars and feel guilty later. They don 't replace my razors completely. Sometimes I just need to see blood, but sometimes they work. And I think they're healthier, overall, than the razors.

I've been cutting at least since I was 11. It started out with needles. Poking needles in my hand when I'd get mad or frustrated. In the seventh grade, a friend got annoyed that I didn't call her and carved her number in my arm with a pencil. It didn't bleed much, mostly just bruised, but I think thats where I got the idea for cutting instead of poking. I continued through high school. A wood carving knife being my instrument of choice. I mostly stabbed with the knife, rather than cut. Nobody noticed. Nobody cared. I mostly kept to myself. At some point, I started poking myself in the eye with pens. I remember feeling numb, so numb that nothing felt real. I was invisible. Cutting my shoulder, my hand, my ***** didn't hurt anymore. I couldn't feel anything, so I started poking my eye. That didn't last long. I don't know why I stopped, probably common sense, I didn't want to go blind. I found piercings at 17. When I'd get a new hole, I'd pull on the jewelery to cause pain. They'd often get infected and the pain would last for months. When it would heal, I'd get another one. I'd get most excited when one closed because I could re-pierce it. Piercing through scare tissue always hurt the most.

School was my distraction from cutting. I enjoyed being occupied, attending classes, learning things. I dreaded lunch hours, anytime I'd have to socialize with the other kids. I never knew the right things to say to people. I didn't know how to make friends. Still don't. In high school, the piercings helped because people would approach me and ask me about them, as if I were cool for getting them, some kind of rebel. It was nice when people would talk to me. When I left high school, it was just me and my thoughts and my blades. My cutting was its worst the months following graduation when I was living on my own and was left mostly to my own thoughts. I decided to enroll in some classes at the local city college. Between classes and work, I had very little time to myself and this helped. When I transferred from the city college to a university, my cutting stopped completely. I was hundreds of miles from my family and everyone I'd ever known. That was the best thing for me, the new start. I didn't cut at the university. I found alcohol, and partying, and one night stands. I didn't need to cut because I felt alive.

Its been almost 15 years since college. I hadn't felt a strong urge to cut again until 2 months ago. The thought just popped in my head. The urge was unbearable. I couldn't resist. Along with that came my nightmares, my nausea, bits of memories that are too fragmented to make sense. The more I cut, the more I remember and the more I remember, the more I cut. I've been cutting everyday and I can't stop. In addition, I've developed a new craving. A craving for violent porn. Its a weird craving since I'm not a violent person.

The binder clips are helping. I made a therapy appointment, but is a month away. I have to hold it together until then.