I am a stalker

Well me and this girl briefly -dated- till she said she doesn't think of being with me in the future. She always postponed our dates and gave her number reluctantly anyway. The problem is not this. The problem is I keep harassing her all the time. It's really awful. I follow her on fridays. She fears that I'll kill her. How can stop, also how can I make her not fear me?

I would say that you can't "make" her do or feel anything specific. Your best plan would be to tackle your stalking. If you stop that, she'll hopefully feel safer. That doesn't mean she'll every want to date you again. And the longer your harassment goes on, the less likely it is that she could ever forgive it.

Why are you following her? Why Fridays in particular?

Ada wrote:I would say that you can't "make" her do or feel anything specific. Your best plan would be to tackle your stalking. If you stop that, she'll hopefully feel safer. That doesn't mean she'll every want to date you again. And the longer your harassment goes on, the less likely it is that she could ever forgive it.

Why are you following her? Why Fridays in particular?

She didn't want to date me anyway. She admitted that she gave me her number cause I forced her to.

I miss her. The first time, I followed her I acted like we coincidently crossed and got an instant date with her. It was the best time of my life. I want to see her again. I know it's creepy.


We are in the same school. I have followed,drunk-texted,verbally harassed her. She made the schools counseling help me. She thinks I need help and I'm obsessed. She has cried a few times cause of me. She says she'll go to the police if I send her another message. Also many people in school know I am a stalker. Women are afraid of me. I want to stop and just be someone she enjoys talking to.

It doesn't seem like school counselling helped very much? Is there some other source of support?

This isn't "normal", as you know because you're posting here. And I'm not really sure what to write. You're putting your needs FAR ahead of hers. And by doing that, you're pushing her further and further away from you. And you know you're doing it. It's not fair to her, but it's not fair to yourself, either. You could be looking around for a woman who's more interested in you. And with this behaviour, you have little or no chance of noticing or attracting anyone else.

That's why I'd suggest more help. This seems like a bigger problem than you can solve alone.

Ada wrote:It doesn't seem like school counselling helped very much? Is there some other source of support?

This isn't "normal", as you know because you're posting here. And I'm not really sure what to write. You're putting your needs FAR ahead of hers. And by doing that, you're pushing her further and further away from you. And you know you're doing it. It's not fair to her, but it's not fair to yourself, either. You could be looking around for a woman who's more interested in you. And with this behaviour, you have little or no chance of noticing or attracting anyone else.

That's why I'd suggest more help. This seems like a bigger problem than you can solve alone.

She also said that it doesn't look like it helps very much and she's going to make her parents talk to the school's counselor. Her parents also know. I'm really obsessed with this girl. I want to spend more time with her. But there's no way. I'll be okay if we start talking.

Definitely I'm selfish. I was selfish during our -relationship,friendship- too. I have issues that I can't really name. I'm not sure if I'm narcissistic,psychotic,anti-social, borderline or some other thing but there's a problem. I wasn't abused when I was a child,I haven't experienced anything traumatic in my childhood, so why am I so attached to her I don't know. I was always kind to her, though I questioned her too much. I questioned her cause I knew I took her number by force inside. I just wasn't sure. She never seemed enthusiastic about me, I understood. I didn't want to believe it.

I have problem emphatizing, I am jealous of her interactions with others. She is extremely scared of me , so she doesn't even look me in the eye. Being ignored drives me crazy. So I stalk her and get pleasure from her pain. She definitely doesn't deserve this. And the funny part about it is, we don't even really know each other. We have spoken very little except our fights.My best bet seems to be to talk to her politely once in a while and build a weak bond as a rebound.

I'll forget her over the summer but still it's a problem. Also she doesn't deserve this. She was always kind to me after all. She might not have liked me. That's her choice.

-- Sat Apr 13, 2013 8:40 pm --

One problem I always had was feeling alone. Mostly at nights, when I slept I had no one to say goodnight to. With her number I could text her goodnight and she would reply back. That was the most beautiful thing ever.

Here's a good paper that you might identify with:

http://forensis.org/PDF/published/1989_ ... dLovea.pdf

If you are actually pathologically obsessed with her (you literally can't stop the intrusive thoughts about her), then here's a community you might recognize yourself in:

http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence?curre ... set=y#tabs


I've been where you are. I am where you are. Your mind is playing a lot of tricks on you that you don't catch. Every time you say to yourself, "I just want to see her," or, "If I could just talk to her and apologize," your mind is trying to get you to reestablish a connection with her.

This is bad.

You have an attachment disorder. A bunch of other stuff is contributing to this, but at its core this problem is a disorder of attachment. Anything you do which validates your participation in this girl's life is simply going to strengthen the attachment and make it that much more difficult to break away from her, which is what eventually must happen.

No Contact is typically what is suggested to people in your situation -- stay away from her completely. My opinion is that that's only part of the equation. You need to simultaneously be able to express your feelings with a counselor and have them act as both support and a reality check. What's going on in your head is a conflict between the conscious/cognitive/perceptual mind and the unconscious/emotional/fantastical mind. If you simply isolate yourself from her, the problem is that there is nothing real to counteract the emotional mind from going off into fantasy land, other than your own rational mind. But your own rational mind is hardly up to the task as it is engulfed by the overwhelming emotions of this obsession.

Do you understand that the solution to this problem is complete separation from this girl? Like, that she not have any part in your life? Do you understand that that is the endpoint you have to get to? Or are you so engulfed in the emotional stuff that you can't even contemplate that?

Cornelius wrote:Here's a good paper that you might identify with:

http://forensis.org/PDF/published/1989_ ... dLovea.pdf

If you are actually pathologically obsessed with her (you literally can't stop the intrusive thoughts about her), then here's a community you might recognize yourself in:

http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence?curre ... set=y#tabs


I've been where you are. I am where you are. Your mind is playing a lot of tricks on you that you don't catch. Every time you say to yourself, "I just want to see her," or, "If I could just talk to her and apologize," your mind is trying to get you to reestablish a connection with her.

This is bad.

You have an attachment disorder. A bunch of other stuff is contributing to this, but at its core this problem is a disorder of attachment. Anything you do which validates your participation in this girl's life is simply going to strengthen the attachment and make it that much more difficult to break away from her, which is what eventually must happen.

No Contact is typically what is suggested to people in your situation -- stay away from her completely. My opinion is that that's only part of the equation. You need to simultaneously be able to express your feelings with a counselor and have them act as both support and a reality check. What's going on in your head is a conflict between the conscious/cognitive/perceptual mind and the unconscious/emotional/fantastical mind. If you simply isolate yourself from her, the problem is that there is nothing real to counteract the emotional mind from going off into fantasy land, other than your own rational mind. But your own rational mind is hardly up to the task as it is engulfed by the overwhelming emotions of this obsession.

Do you understand that the solution to this problem is complete separation from this girl? Like, that she not have any part in your life? Do you understand that that is the endpoint you have to get to? Or are you so engulfed in the emotional stuff that you can't even contemplate that?

I do. I don't want to though. She already said: move out of my life and leave me alone. I just want to talk to her a few times.

To what end? For what purpose? For whose benefit?

Talking to her benefits no one. It will only serve to strengthen your attachment, which is bad for both of you, since eventually that attachment must be broken. Right?

Cornelius wrote:To what end? For what purpose? For whose benefit?

Talking to her benefits no one. It will only serve to strengthen your attachment, which is bad for both of you, since eventually that attachment must be broken. Right?

Till summer ( which is close), it benefits me. I like talking to her. It'll be broken in the end. Talking to her is like my drug, I crave for it. When I get it, I'm happy for a while, but obsession kicks in again. It's an endless cycle.

Ah, I see you didn't come here seeking help at all. You have no real desire to face reality and stop hounding this girl. You just wanted another way to wallow in your unrequited love, perhaps even have people validate it by acknowledging it and sympathizing with you.

So I'll just leave you to your own devices because you seem to have it all figured out. The only girl you want to be with is scared of you and is threatening to call the cops. You sound like you've got things under control and there's no need to change anything.

Hey, when it all works out, can I come to the wedding?