I am a stalker

Cornelius wrote:Ah, I see you didn't come here seeking help at all. You have no real desire to face reality and stop hounding this girl. You just wanted another way to wallow in your unrequited love, perhaps even have people validate it by acknowledging it and sympathizing with you.

So I'll just leave you to your own devices because you seem to have it all figured out. The only girl you want to be with is scared of you and is threatening to call the cops. You sound like you've got things under control and there's no need to change anything.

Hey, when it all works out, can I come to the wedding?

No, please... It'll never work out. She has never liked me anyway. I'm aware, I'm not erotomanic.

It's just... I have no self-esteem Cornelius. The only thing good about me was my flirting with her. But now the only creature I care about is gone. I truly display the mindset of stalker, I must admit. I feel worthless. I know you're right, but it's not the same when I'm around her. I can't stop the urge.

Smoke34, while this thread makes me strongly consider getting myself checked for an attachement disorder, I know where you're at because I've been there. It was a complete and utter ###$, and I know how addictive it is and just how much you don't want to move on from it.

I'm just going to tell you something that happened to me because I didn't move on. I knew the guy was bad and that I couldn't ever have him, but I fantasized about him. I felt I knew I never could have anyone, it was just fantasy and I was his friend and we could talk. No harm in that, right?

Well... it turned out the guy was a sociopathic narcissist, and saw into my obsession and took advantage of me. He had me move in with him so he could take my money and make me homeless. I paid my rent and found myself the next day on the street. He spread lies about me, which everyone believed, because of my obsession.

Bad luck? Not exactly.

Anyway, it took my 2 years to come to grips to how he was. Actually, it was when I was texting him acting like I was someone else, just to have some contact with him, that I came to realize that I had a problem, and that this wasn't someone I wanted contact with AT ALL. Before that, I still longed for the day I talked to him again.

I'm still recovering from the anger of how vulnerable I was. I still think about him from time to time, just with anger instead of adoration. I understand, its hard to get yourself 100% wanting to change. But for your own safety, you need to.

Again, this is coming from someone who has been there. This girl may not take advantage of you, but who says the next one won't?

You need to try to get help, for your own sake. I'm dealing with the same $#%^. Trust me. I know. I don't bully though, I was more of a "hopeless romantic" stalker who constantly wanted to rebecome friends with that sociopath.

You can get this under control. Trust me. And you'll feel better than you do now.

-- Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:36 am --

Cornelius wrote:Here's a good paper that you might identify with:

http://forensis.org/PDF/published/1989_ ... dLovea.pdf

Well... maybe I wasn't that bad. But I did get obsessions. Without the violence part. Nor the thought that they are actually in love with me. So I'm a little different. I still get it.

If you are actually pathologically obsessed with her (you literally can't stop the intrusive thoughts about her), then here's a community you might recognize yourself in:

http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence?curre ... set=y#tabs


I've been where you are. I am where you are. Your mind is playing a lot of tricks on you that you don't catch. Every time you say to yourself, "I just want to see her," or, "If I could just talk to her and apologize," your mind is trying to get you to reestablish a connection with her.

This is bad.

You have an attachment disorder. A bunch of other stuff is contributing to this, but at its core this problem is a disorder of attachment. Anything you do which validates your participation in this girl's life is simply going to strengthen the attachment and make it that much more difficult to break away from her, which is what eventually must happen.

No Contact is typically what is suggested to people in your situation -- stay away from her completely. My opinion is that that's only part of the equation. You need to simultaneously be able to express your feelings with a counselor and have them act as both support and a reality check. What's going on in your head is a conflict between the conscious/cognitive/perceptual mind and the unconscious/emotional/fantastical mind. If you simply isolate yourself from her, the problem is that there is nothing real to counteract the emotional mind from going off into fantasy land, other than your own rational mind. But your own rational mind is hardly up to the task as it is engulfed by the overwhelming emotions of this obsession.

Do you understand that the solution to this problem is complete separation from this girl? Like, that she not have any part in your life? Do you understand that that is the endpoint you have to get to? Or are you so engulfed in the emotional stuff that you can't even contemplate that?

I'm going to run this by my psychiatrist. I've basically tackled my problem on my own. I didn't realize I had one, until reading this. I just thought I became obsessed more than just a crush because he screwed me over and cut contact with me, and I went into denial that he did wrong. Though this seems weirdly familiar in some ways. Though not to the point where I think the other person is in love with me, or is good for me (quite the opposite), nor to the point where I'd cause harm to him.

Also, sometimes I still catch myself wanting or, or actually looking at his facebook profile. I'm not sure why I do it. I try not to. It ends up being a trigger for me.

I'm in the same school with my stalkee, I see her everyday. Even thinking about her is a trigger for me.
But obviously No Contact is the best way. I mean the more you resist the temptation the better you become, if you fail to, it's back to square one. I wish there was an easier way out.

Are you saying you just want talk until summer begins? Then what? I'm not clear about the situation...

Are you hoping to be able to hang out only? Are you interested romantically?

You seem to have an idea that something isn't right here. But also seem to be looking to minimize your feelings and the situation. Just a first impression.

Smoke34 wrote:I'm in the same school with my stalkee, I see her everyday. Even thinking about her is a trigger for me.
But obviously No Contact is the best way. I mean the more you resist the temptation the better you become, if you fail to, it's back to square one. I wish there was an easier way out.

Remind yourself that she's not into you and that she doesn't want to talk to you. Also, find other people to associate with. It's hard. But there is no easier way out that's acceptable to you. You deserve to find yourself a pretty lady that you're into more than this girl. Even better, the girl you deserve is equally into you. You just have to find her!

I'm not a stalker but i have had feelings of a similar kind to yours. I have also been stalked so i have a handle on both sides.

The other poster is right. YOu have to let go. I know you don't want to. I know you don't feel ready but you have to work on it. It is selfish of you to keep on doing what you want since its only causing upset to the other person. YOu really should put her feelings and need above yours in this case because she is in the right and you are in the wrong.

If you don't deal with this properly this time, there's a very good chance that this will be a repeating pattern throughout your life until you are forced to address it.

I suggest you get therapy. In therapy, if its with a woman, you may experience the same scenario there. So long as you don't go stalking your therapist between sessions, then chances are you will gain from therapy. I did. I had a strong attachment to my therapist.

I think the way to deal with this is to try to think about the consequences of where this could lead for you if you keep on harassing this girl. The fact is that this girl will never want to be your friend. She hates you right now. She is scared of you. That is the effect that stalkers have on their other side. She should confront you and tell you to bugger off. She's not going to do it because i can't talk to her but i am telling you to bugger off for her. You are a predator. You are being a really bad person. And you are doing harm to someone else. You have to stop, now!

The consequences for you could be from anything from a complaint to the police right up to jail if you don't get a grip on your behaviour.

You are currently feeding your own pleasure. I know how hard it is to stop that. I experience it as impossible (and something i had to work through in my own time) but i've never had someone else on the other side fearing me. If i had someone on the other side, I know that i would be so ashamed to have someone hating me so much that i would instantly disappear from the scene but you seem to be more brazen than that. You might be deluded if you think you can win this girl over. You seriously can't.

I see you want to hold out until the summer. But doing so is not going to address your underlying problem. It will come back with a different person the next time.

You are probably suffering from a fear of intimacy and low self-esteem. I suffered from a fear of intimacy. Therapy resolved that for me. I strongly recommend you do it for yourself. Then a healthy relationship is possible.

fiftysix wrote:I'm not a stalker but i have had feelings of a similar kind to yours. I have also been stalked so i have a handle on both sides.

The other poster is right. YOu have to let go. I know you don't want to. I know you don't feel ready but you have to work on it. It is selfish of you to keep on doing what you want since its only causing upset to the other person. YOu really should put her feelings and need above yours in this case because she is in the right and you are in the wrong.

If you don't deal with this properly this time, there's a very good chance that this will be a repeating pattern throughout your life until you are forced to address it.

I suggest you get therapy. In therapy, if its with a woman, you may experience the same scenario there. So long as you don't go stalking your therapist between sessions, then chances are you will gain from therapy. I did. I had a strong attachment to my therapist.

I think the way to deal with this is to try to think about the consequences of where this could lead for you if you keep on harassing this girl. The fact is that this girl will never want to be your friend. She hates you right now. She is scared of you. That is the effect that stalkers have on their other side. She should confront you and tell you to bugger off. She's not going to do it because i can't talk to her but i am telling you to bugger off for her. You are a predator. You are being a really bad person. And you are doing harm to someone else. You have to stop, now!

The consequences for you could be from anything from a complaint to the police right up to jail if you don't get a grip on your behaviour.

You are currently feeding your own pleasure. I know how hard it is to stop that. I experience it as impossible (and something i had to work through in my own time) but i've never had someone else on the other side fearing me. If i had someone on the other side, I know that i would be so ashamed to have someone hating me so much that i would instantly disappear from the scene but you seem to be more brazen than that. You might be deluded if you think you can win this girl over. You seriously can't.

I see you want to hold out until the summer. But doing so is not going to address your underlying problem. It will come back with a different person the next time.

You are probably suffering from a fear of intimacy and low self-esteem. I suffered from a fear of intimacy. Therapy resolved that for me. I strongly recommend you do it for yourself. Then a healthy relationship is possible.

Did you ever forgive your stalker? Would you be friends with him if he wanted to?

Absolutely not! He was creepy!

Hi,

Are you getting any professional help for this at the moment? You still seem to be having difficulty coming to terms with the fact you have to brake contact with her.