xod_s journal:plz feel most free to respond

Otter wrote:

xod_s wrote:HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND NEW YEAR !

Just seeing this now - I hope you had a great holiday and great new year ahead - Xod.

It was alright. I actually got a fair amount of things I'd been meaning to get around done and thus far my new year hasn't been to bad,at least when it comes to the decisions I've gotta grow to adjust to doing. I appreciate the sentiment Otter.

I've realized some things like how a lot of my issues stem from a lack of self-affirmation more particularly a lack of self-confidence. For a long time, I've found it unneccesary and have used information, knowledge and philosophy* as a kind of "armor" in a way, instead of self-confidence. "After all,who needs self-confidence and the shaking it can get when you have the verity and/or consistency of facts and perception(s)?", my thinking goes.

*by extension, a thing which comes with the kind of deep emotionally charged thinking I can habitually do.

The last year-ish I've been steadily learning about what negation and emptiness really mean though but have only recently recognized "self-affirmation" and the qualities related to it. For me at least, self-confidence might do me better prior to self-acceptance since with the phrase self-acceptance my mind goes "self-accept?,self-accept what?,what's there to accept?,in my myself?,..but the self is an illusion...[x,y,z etc]". Self-confidence is a primer for self-affirmation and will help me develop a sense of not being "groundless" and bewildered at what relevance I hold or factors hold.

A resolve to my anxiety follows after.

I think that patriarchy has afforded me, that if I live on unmarried I won't get 'bashed' the same way as women who live on unmarried do*.

* the (somewhat perojative?--I hope I'm not offending anyone ) word 'spinster' reflects this,I think.

I have to remind myself that with the girl/woman I'm thinking about hatred wasn't the only thing I learned from her.

I'm afraid that, in staying with my family for so long I'll be 'emotionally stunted'.

You know when it comes to religion I've always had a rocky relationship with 'classical (mono)theism' Abrahamic style,ever since I was little. In a sense,I can say that I'm an atheist but definitely not anti-religious with inclinations to scientism like say Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins, but nor would I say I'm even anti-theistic.

This really resonates with me

God does not exist. He is being-itself beyond essence and existence. Therefore, to argue that God exists is to deny him.” (Paul Tillich, Systematic Theology. Vol. 1. Chicago: University of Chicago Press. 1951: 205).

I remembering looking thru wiki pages at about the history of atheism in different religions and this variant brought up by Paul Tilich astounds me,not the least b/c he's got some philosophically going on with (I would hope ) an honesty. I've read "The courage to be by him" and the influence of Heidegger on him shows. Astounding how he still believes in Jesus and in a social mechanism created by him ("a Church"). It's brought up in a handful of paragraphs during the last part of the "the courage to be". Thinking of God as "the ground of being" really puts a new twist on what nihlism means.

`_` And all that while (maybe this is one reason why it was a fairly complicated read)..he didn't even mention love. Had it been mentioned, I have this hyperboleous thought in my mind that the original manuscript would have like started glowing and exploded taking Paul Tilich with him "^u^ .

Part of the appeal I find in that quote is how it's unconventional statement of what God is kinda of puts a thrust to make thinking a neccesity when it comes to making the connection btw God and some disturbing ash s---t humanity can evoke. Oh,the paradigm shift which would be brought on phenomonology and teleological frameworks few ppl ever really understood in the first place and struggled to math up with irl.

Now the ethics which could be come with that quote/centered on such a conception of God might turn out fairly different than what classical monotheism has made so far but...meh, I'll get to ironing that out eventually. For non-theistic religious ethics I've found Buddhism quite handy and astounding in it's capability to pull that off although I'd really be interested in understanding a Kantian take on ethics.

Of course what I say here like anything is subject to flux.

If I honestly could say my more "full" spiritual orientation,it's that you can call me,treat me and think of me as a monotheist as you please but behind the conviction one might have I'm really more of a "panentheist with transtheistic aspirations"

Transtheism is a term coined by philosopher Paul Tillich or Indologist Heinrich Zimmer[1] referring to a system of thought or religious philosophy which is neither theistic, nor atheistic, but is beyond them.

Sure, I suppose the way it can be seen, my belief lends itself to agnosticism b/c of how I'm 'working with gradients' ..

A cosmotheologically functioning God of classical monotheism who is followed by adherents with something which usually is not much past surpassing stage 2 on Fowler's stage of faith development with a nigh-animistic fervor is likely there as well but tbh someone I'm getting to dang weary on waiting on for functioning,even though I'm sure he can handle criticism against him.

Gender inflective language not being the least among the heat given to along with the problem of evil ,scientism and more things about relational ontology.

I guess if someone called me a deist, I could take it it as a perojative if it weren't my prioritization of love.

Biology thought: I have a hunch that when it comes to the evolutionary history of heterotrophs, scavenging might have come before predation, when a micro-organism decided to pick at the no longer living remains of another micro-organism and not when one had a newly realized 'craving' for consuming another living micro-organism.
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I once read on wikipedia that intellectualism is a form of consequentialism/ teleology with an imperative undertone that "the best action is the one that best fosters and promotes knowledge" which sortas goes with the "going after knowledge for knowledges own sake".

However clinging to that premise even when life itself is put at risk can backfire terribly on a person and their endeavour to the point that it's an empty and destructive Pryrrhic victory.

Similarly I could act on my desire to find out more about the whereabouts and doings of a person I have mixed feelings towards. I tell myself i'd be promoting my knowledge of her but in all honesty what would happen 'more strongly' is that the negative feelings,most esp.the hatred I have towards that person would increase, as I have not yet gotten a hang of letting go of these feelings which have been with me ever since her "reappearance".

I fear, I wouldn't be "going after knowledge for knowledges own sake", I would be "going after hatred for hatred's own sake" which I would like not to develop into a bad fixation, esp. since I have feel very conflicted about hanging out with her face to face. Something I tell myself when I feel the urge to look her up on social media (only a leftover myspace account from the pre-Obama era is comes to mind /I've seen..) and how afaik she hasn't even left comments on accounts of her previous friends.

In a romanticized way, I kind of think of the program I'm in, as a big sisterhood which follows the motto of the three musketeers. I don't know how I, a tag-along is relevant to all of it,but I like them.

I worry that the same way,how for months I was acting with a passive-aggresivity towards things I associated with my sister's friend and imagining what she would do in x scenario might happen with a person I've re-encountered with.
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The future is not relevant. There is no past,only a present. There is no past, only a present. There is no past,only a present.

=_= Sharp thoughts--saw someone I have mixed feelings about--know what program they are in.

-Last years-ish and the year before that I got into martial arts basically to one-up my sister's friend which is a pretty unlikely thing to,let's put it that way

-That lead to a one-track mindset of digging up info on martial arts,it's history and movements all the while becoming an implictly aggressive jerk..`_` I never got around to understanding anatomy of it though

-Recently I have a strong inclination to think that someone I used in a program under the umberella of the department of programs where my sister's friend goes too

..=__= >_< God please help me; don't let me go down the same road again

The point of most of the 3/11/15 entry simplified
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[color=#F0040]Wont get into >_<[/color]: A spiel about how maybe a lot of things I've gotten into in my life,the closest thing I got to an aggressive competitive impulse comes out of not being one-upped by ppl I would not like be one-upped by or imagined competitors like someone doing something stupid before I make it in time to reach a point and/or demonstrate something bad about said competitor and/or prevent a problem.