xod_s journal:plz feel most free to respond

I need not work myself into an emotional up-set like I did last posting.
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My perceptual satisfaction is meet by love,my intellect and ethics by life,how I relate to the external and my volition--by doing my best.

It's more than being authentic and honest.This requires doing me having the faith and self-acceptance to do my best. Note to self: find a definition for "conviction".
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I kinda feel like apologizing to the monitor if it ever feels like I submit more postings than then they readily approve of.

Listening to Enya. Something soothing for a change in spite of how I don't know what I want.

My mind is a stubborn a-- completionist,not wanting to do anything else until it covers the thing which it seeks to cover. In this case it's writing out a buncha stuff a---every teacher who's every written me off whether overtly or in their mind as just another shiftless,lazy weirdo student. I want them to look at all the s--- I've written,have their jaws drop,slowly turn around to me and my usual sleepy-ish gaze and be f---- afraid of what I can think of them. Next time they apply the write off "you did nothing the whole time",plz f---- think again.

F--- man. How the saying "those who love to be feared,fear to be loved' f---- resonates with me right now,making me put a value judgement on myself that I'm a bad person.

If I do what's in the 1st paragraph then I lag behind homework,feel overbeared and wanting to drown myself in rumination and the d--- vicious cycle repeats. Do I just drag my feet even though I'll do mediocriticity and know I could have done better but decide to not f---- look at the fast and trudged with whatever construed spirit of "do your best! " I can summon?---I don't know.

The way many dismiss the importance of friends,say they can do without any or say* they don't need nay,that's not a skill;it'll slowly kill you in the inside even if you are apparently super talented

*YES b/c contrary to popular f---- opionin *IT IS* f---- important and vital to ACTUALLY *STATE* sometimes the s--- we take for granted and don't readily recognize as skills
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Dudes I write "plz feel most free to respond". I'm cool with feedback.

I am juvenile. I am lazy. I am cowardly. I am shiftless. I am a liar. I exploit ppl's hospitality imo. I can't socialize for the life of me. I am a failure as a first-worlder. I can't drive. I don't really know what kind of f---- tone my voice has when picked up by you guys.

Concepts like "action" ,"relaxation" and "optimism" were alien to me not to f---- long ago after crawling out of the resignational fatalism which is ticks me off about my parents,God forbid I conflate it onto the rest of Hispanic culture,that resignational fatalism which could make us seem like dimbulbs.

I am surfeitted but I'm not a bad guy. I DO wanna do f---- homework . But f---- first I wanna resolve all my issues and I can't f---- promise you how long it'll take. You'll ridicule me for it,calling me a shiftless,"slow",useless,talentless b---d but I WILL f---- do the tasks assigned by you oh nigh uberpowerful world as soon as you f------ let me do what I want to do without calling me juvenile!. I'm not gonna be snorting coke piles at some rizty nightclubs for days on end you jack---- in spite of what a stereotyped 23 yr old is suppose to do.

I'd like to be somewhere,preferably a hotel, f---- away from my family with a non-limited amount of money for food and rental so I can sit there writing stuff in journals. I' m ticked off that my irl journal's pages recently got mixed up d---n it! >x( . As much as I like one of my counselors,his optimism "doesn't suit me". Weird thing to say I know,I know he's trying ta help me but the kinda angst I have I feel more assured will go away after some days trying to gain emotional clarity. In f---- isolated introspection w/out a world which'll give your a-- heat for not having done tasks.

Do action,action,action . No intention better. Do action,action,action I tell you flawlessly or die.F--- man that's how it feels right now. Weird a--- feeling when you doubt whether air is gettin to your brain cuz you close your mouth a lot, and your autistic so apparently almost anything physical you do is a disco-ordinated mess,and ya feel juvenile and laughed at for having to "learn to breathe",ya like yoga fan ppl but "learning to breathe" right now is to big a request for such a f----- small thing. YTF >_< does everything for me seems like I have to start at ground f---- zero. Retain attention you jack---- !.Whatever the f---- that means.

Education feels like such a sham but you value knowledge but ppl who don't value knowledge are aceing thru there way to 6 digit paycheques,gonna obliviouslessly pig-boss the world from a Fortune 500 company seat while you know and feel you could kick their a--- had a bunch of stupid s--- not happened like a---hole math teachers in Cathedral high school who had no f---- IDEA >8( how much learning calculus wouldn't meant to you but you didn't have the triage of action,relaxation,work ethic manifested and bundled up in optimism now and you just friggin wish you could take your realizations of what you have now and send'em to your past self to prevent so much stupidity but it's selfish b/c you did a lot of good in life even though things internally s--k for you,someone was improved along the way to the s---ky state you are now and ya just wanna cry and just wanna say your sorry and you think about how much s---y human behaviour is said to be the tension btw us working thru "evolutionary remnants" and not everyone being everlastinly on par with f----- postindustrial demands,requests and stimulation and you think about how much ppl unwittingly make "appeal to.." throughout their whole life and wonder if it's bad that they've been operating that way and f---- man,I wanna do my f---- homework >x( .

My life was meant for more than likely becoming something close to a receptionist. i can live with that,I can love that---all these thoughts of versions of me "I could have been" had I had the realization of the triage which I do now in the past----the "green,orange" and "amber" pasts here http://sidetrack1.deviantart.com/art/Th ... -492067639 are what I could've scovered and solidified accomplishedly---but my concept of love might've still wavered and s---ked. In this current state I know that by covering the "G.O.A" section on here,the levels before that,will be covered and "take care of themself" and the color bands after will be waiting when I have a more clear mind.

Just what does this mean?. That society is right?. That I am immature?. That I am juvenile?. Or that it's an inept fool like any other when it comes to buckling up and addressing old a--- questions that could've been in you even since your were a toddler in a way that doesn't translate to "your deluded and ineffectual". There's a f---- reason why the oldest questions are sometimes the most important f------.

Teacher: I see you didn't finish the entire online quiz. Why's that?.

xod_s: it's b/c I couldn't find the spots where I was suppose to the other part of the quiz. The link led me to some place irrelevant and there were more activities to fill in,on the quiz then there were in the chapter which the quiz was for

Teacher: Why didn't you message me before that you couldn't find it?

xod_s: B/c being the lazy hack that I am,I only did the quiz after hardly being able to muster the motivation to carry out the action,hours before it was due

Teacher: -_- ...

Finished the HR homework which maddened me-I found the missing quiz page on elearn -_- ---now to get my a-- kicked by the remaning homework.

Unambigiously fatalistic. I wanna be optimistic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmGVh99kg1Q

My brother used to watch Elliot Hulse's videos. At 3:56 "The problem is that your to much in your f---g head already and your using your head to attack your head even more so there's going to be even more energy up in your f---g head.Your way to heady"

`_` Dang so that what that means. -~- Gosh I hafta socialize. Thinking,if Bruce Lee was still alive and active well into the years when Youtube got introduced all the anecodotal stuff he'd say might be done in vids like what Elliot does.
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Makes me wanna talk about my exercsing habits lately. I haven't had any since September-ish. Went to some fitness classes in the school gym and even my sister was there but I stopped going soon after. Partly b/c of the negativity I elt for my behaviour a year ago and partly b/c I did not want to risk getting my a--- kicked and lost in this program. Something which I've been holding back--like holding my back againest a wall to not let a flood come in,which is getting f---n shakier now,starting with when I purposely ignored my d--- homework two weeks ago >_< ; I barely passed the second Word test,the results were seen by me an hour or so before .

Not being able to get to much into how I felt the "heavy contrast" btw last year's eating habits wand this one's which includes a come-back to casual junk food and late night eating, I'll admit that if I were to exercise some more I wouldn't be so antsy but finding a prime moment to start a habit?--that's a tricky ash thing to do as friggin well `_` .

One speculation: I won't be able to do anything until the semester ends.

Aditting that I get "all intellectualizing" at times to form a buffer btw the simplicity of a thing and what it means and how feasible it is to pull off,but my mind will make it seem non pull-off-able.

Routine tasks,established tasks,established skill quadrants to do,doing action,doing routine action and typing--reasons why to me being an employee working in related office admin is as comfortably close to manual labor as I'd like to be ^_^ .