xod_s journal:plz feel most free to respond

This might seem kind of stupid but in access class today we were suppose to show a pinting of an entry,a comedy movie which we put in last week.

>_< To my chagrin I couldn't find either the printing I made or the correct file and when I asked the peson next to me what to do,thinking about how it'd be a comedy movie off the top o my head I thought "Hot fuzz" with Nick Frost,(I saw a DVD of Cuban fury earlier today and the words "Cornetto trilogy" were in my mind).

-_- Then thinking while typing it I'm thinking to myself, (the person I asked to my right being a woman with a ring on one of her fingers--the demographics of my program),"did I pick that movie b/c of the title [and sophomoric as it might be to mention it the innuendo which can be read in it -~- ?]

Chicken or the egg scenerio:which came frist?,me not being up for thinking about comedy movies or my h--niness speaking?...
________________________

This school year is wrapping up:the theme of this year has been addressing the past . to me it has been represented in the reappearance of someone who I used to like, would like to hang with w/not a romantic aspiration like I do when I cross one of my sister's martial arts practicing friend but there is not a chance in h--- that I'll be getting feedback from "person Z", I feel esp. after the vindicative and disclosing undertones of the msg's I sent.

I've kind of felt ashamed for how b/c of ignoring her for the entirety of first semester, I was "rebounding imaginarily" in my mind b/c having coalesced my feelings and thoughts enough to feel strong enough to engage them.

It's hasn't been pulled off very well, but meh,the effort counts

{>_< Factor man!.Part of me feel that ppl who aren't going to be able to marry should be compensated w/superpowers or something!}

She was one of the few things I kind of feel better about in a time period when I lived in a reality I feel sorta icky for having put off w/the stuff I let myself put up with in that schichole (the first high school I went too).

Whatever though. I'll get over this patch.

I don't want the exams to kick my a--- . I don't have access at home. D-- how draining it can be just to think about these kinds of things. I ussually don't really mind engaging with them but d--- it >_< my marks are kind of precarious right now!.

>:I I still haven't even checked thru the catalogue for CE course enlistement.

Ugh ~ -~- .

-The bus strike apparently didn't happen

-the old printed sheet I spoke of yesterday was scrunched up in my back-pack (Stealing Harvard) was on it

-I'm losing the mood to do part B of access

However mediocre my last submission I can now study in peace for exams next week.

-Issue on hand?: the uncanny-ness of none of the semester 3 or 4 course I'm going to have to take being available thru CE ..I'll look into that more

[b]I WILL PASS ALLL MY EXAMS AND COURSES! >8I[/b]

- Dx< Auuuughh >~<, #_@ !!!. The exam I wrote just moments ago which I steadily did,until I felt ocnfiendt that I'd at least get a pass--to submit I had to "copy and paste" it not drag it into the folder only the teacher can see! >~< .

Dx And I deleted the file before seeing that instruction ! .

I hope that a drag and drop has the same outcome as a copy and paste now >~' .

-Thinking about someone you used to have feelings for during an exam is not a good thing >~<

-Part of me feels like coining an alternative word to materialism,since it's not always about naturalistic scientific materialism;tanglibilitism.

-I have a feeling that a lot of emotionality,mindset and attitude that goes with being "a warrior" can apply to the spirit of activism as much as soldiery.

When I was little

I use to be the kind of person who used to think that when he was going to study, I'd literally have to be at a desk for hours on end,looking through study content. A cartoonishly one-sided mentality and it compounded the anxiety issues I have w/thinking that I have to/need(ed) to be seated for time on end for things to sink in, disregarding how fruitless and nigh-futile things could feel at times and not to mention making me less physically active,esp.in regards to my back.

Dx< AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

I DON'T WANNA FAIL ANY OF MY EXAMS >_< ;_; !!!

Precarious marks. Only an Access exam in the morning. -_____- I've been in no mood to study this week.

Judgement calls ahoy! >~< . >~< "--so frazzled is my mind. Me and thinking that I might have found a way to get a hang on life outside of/without school,work or even intellectualizing but not being able to 'put it into practice' *

* Notice I excluded 'movements' of the bodily sort..I've been meaning to get to that -~-

My own mind can get frazzled in it's turtle pace. My emotions are turmultous sometimes. The "voice of resolve" in my conscience,my will or volition....it screams even though when it talks to "mind" or "emotions" it might get carried away unless one of the other two is in "Spanish (speaking) mode"..

..I'd be interesting to try out so much as a whole week *thinking* in Spanish `_`..I wonder what I'd find out..

Attention,cognizing,execution performance...apparently for all the heady embroidery I can do,a lack of self-confidence is what it is.....

-_______________- D-------------n

I'm doing this "hot new thing" where I proceed through my day,telling myself "I'm free" even from lingering over what could have been improvements in my practice of day to day living.

-~- Even if the outcomes of my exam marks might throw a wrench in all this in the next few days,I'd like to enjoy the liminality and not be afraid to do things simply b/c I didn't do what I could've done better before,better.

It s---ks how it feels like the only decisions I can ever do well are one's of rejection or abandonment (b/c apathy). -_-

Review of my journaling this yr thus far:

-mentions of an old crush,mentions of anxiety and putting up with my rpogram and I'm cooler w/much shorter entries.

No surprise to anyone;I had an unhappy childhood and must stop fussing over things.