xod_s journal:plz feel most free to respond

Heaven will provide when it comes to protein.

I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb in my class (referring to my performance).

I will do good in school. I will do good in school. I will do good in school.

Is it better to have control over your body or with your body?. B/c the latter seems pretty d--- underscored.
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I'll admit. I didn't do the proper accounting-ish pages and Excel pages b/c I was to d--- inatttentive ~2 weeks ago before the break I was anxious to rest over,although I got plenty of anxiety from that time as well,still unresolved.

I sure have a thing for "emotional viscerality",eh?.

Does anyone else kind of wonder if the NSA watches regular forums like this somehow?.

Okay:"Happy things"

http://www.glogster.com/media/2/3/56/62/3566297.jpg

http://www.geeknews.net/images/2007/09/ ... e-math.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pWMaH_EJv1o/T ... 0_5716.JPG

http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb2010 ... eason7.jpg

When I was little and watched "Pinky and the brain", the part in the intro where Brain goes thru like an x-ray machine and you see gears inside his head really got to me and I wondered at times if my brain was like that and trying to imagine and earnestly "force-think" my way to control those gears with my impulses of thought.

Decades later I came across metnions of the "computational theory of mind" or something like that espoused in nuerosci and Analytic philosophy. The brain as a machine,a computer,an automaton which is something which resonates a lot w/ my perceptions or at least perceptions I have had.
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Right now I feel resignational. I'm not going to do the homework which is due for submission on paper at 11,at this point it'll be brain-wracking anxiety done in a drag race like manner. But I am not fatalistic. The feeling of resignation applies to homework from the days before the break,the days when I started to give leeway to sinking into my thoughts with the thought of the school break being on the horizon.

Soon I will ask my mother if she can drop me to school. Thoughts of anxiety of heckling about how juvenile I am for asking my mom to drop me off,thoughts of a crowd saying I'm lazy and exploiting the tax-payer funded education instituitions popping up are one such thing which pops up when I ask for a request like that.

"my best" at thinking up a response to such a thing is something I can't really surmise to do right now. I have to go to school. I'll listen with the expectation that today's listen doesn't tie to closely to that of the past two weeks and even if there are more requests for other homework from past weeks I won't be afraid thaat I'll "get my a--- kicked" (mark-wise) for not having done them.

Better-ness is coming soon.

Doing the "stopp" technique

"Stopp"

Take a breath

O-I am thinking about whether I should do my homework here now even if its going to get dark soon
I am reacting to how I feel I should do finish homework here,thinking it'll be done better here rather than at homeI am feeling tired-ish in my mind at least

P-this is "fact" in the sense that it is how I authentically "feel" mentally,some weariness and not wanting to be heresomeone else would see this as a moment to go around somewhere around the school and regain nrg to do homework in this same building in less than 3 hours whereas I doubt that I can do that

P -the best thing *for me* to do would be to go downtown and "rest" with the sensation of leaving the college for today,for other it'd be recieving my homework much sooner,for this *situation*?---there is no foreseeable "best" I can recognize as of now

I live in Canada and now I'm getting weary of ppl talking about "the future" [for "first world countries" "-_-] which'll mean shiny,expensive electronics all around,a ubiquitous internet presence and everyone apparently not being under or unemployed and presumably being ultra-always work effiecient and effective late 20 somethings,living in the suburbs with their own little nuclear family and doing a job which there education was meant to lead too---=_= honestly ytf do we still espouse this when not only are projecting a semi-lie but that projected fantasy is only suppose to be the f----n baseline from which every first-world country is suppose to function from when clearly most of the southern hemisphere not to mention significant enough amounts of the first-world itself can't get itself up to that friggin gear?.

I say this b/c frankly it cheeses me off how so many students are told that the higher education they get the closer they'll be to a cool job nearby and doing the suburban life-feel* . D--- it >_< , I was in that boat for a long time >8( !. Albeit "hyper-obliviousness/naive one-track mindedness about how ----the frig am I saying "-_- most of my life has been in.x.s power fantasizing and nearly no action,esp. with a triad of optimism,and action,relaxation,work ethic manifested and bundled up in love. God knows how much of my life has spent,me trying to look for seemingly inherent patterns to reality--me gettin written off as weird o b/c of that.

So friggin much to be said about realizing (active verb) and knowing your self-direction lived when it comes to living in the present --- =_= not that many "normal" ppl are very friggin good at that either.

* I admit it starting to change a little bit with the realization that whole fleets of skilled trade workers are going to have to be replaced--me personally with my uncoordinated a--- ,lack of socialability or affinity for blue-collar culture and slowish physical ability make me less inclined to the stuff but all the best to anyone who can do it.
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See this chart? http://sidetrack1.deviantart.com/art/Th ... -492067639 . No need to read the description but it helps.

Most of the planet has always existed underneath the SDi orange layer. We f-----g act far to f---g often like the end and be all highest reality is the SDi blue and that f--r utilitarianism strongly has something to do with that.

That whole "relevant,young,20-something copuple with an active social life and cool jobs" is the fantasy projection of the SDi orange layer ,utterly neglectful of how even significant enough swaths of the first-wrold can't f----n pull that off!!. I'm refferring to all of those who spent years in tertiary ed on a lofty area and still can't get jobs >-< ,other then scarce-ish "hardly different from what I did or could've been doing in high school" stuff ---WTF Dx< !!.

._. Okay honestly,the guy who still technically has never worked,the guy who's juvenile in a "not a very good economy participant" sense,who can't drive, who is not marriage material, highly unlikely boyfirend material,unfond of being freind material shouldn't be talkin. That's the msg I feel society gives me, "don't bite the hand that feeds you--ppl who live in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks,put your money where your mouth is, you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?,etc,etc----why not xod_s?^2" .

.____. So much feedback I can give to that but one thing I'll have to mention is my Asperger's,my autism---ppl think that to make a person it's only 2 parts: social and individual. No it not. Please f---g stop doing that. Developmental factors are still to f----n taken for granted even if we do live in a world built around Anglospheric culture, where everyone is supposed to be a literate ,capable and compotent attendent to whatever the f--- this stupid --refer here to ~2 paragraphs before 3/14/14 http://sidetrack1.deviantart.com/journa ... -434616487.

^2 I get written off as useless as quickly as any wittingly lazy person or untalented immigrant or (look I'm going to f----n bring this to light b/c d---- it!,don't act like it's not at the back of the head!) impaired person is. Thing is the latter is suppose to have sympathy given ,if not at least a lp-serivce metion that they need to be be percieved in a socially sympathetic way. the former?, your" fair game" for taunt and whatever the f--- callousness the world wants to dish at you,supposedly deservingly.
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What gets me though is how on that AQAL chart in the pitfalls section under "instictive self" the "pitfalls" section lists primitive developmental psychology pathologies [and] autism and an entire branch of philosophy http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.p ... nomenology gets written off life this http://meetville.com/images/quotes/Quot ... 191604.jpg.

Aaahh,potential highfalutin ablism which I can "take and make my shield",ouh-la-la,makes me wanna do this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1TyWS0-r1Q

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In the face of so many teritary educated young ppl who'll wander around from job to job for a few years doing stuff not to much different from what a high school can do?--i'd like to say that whoever does pull off the "I went to university,got a cool job and live with my fine life-partner in the suburbs" shtick will imo be the last of a dream of "modern aristocracy"--- ._. it s---ks when ppl settle and say "[as long as it [the job] pays the bills". What the h--- ever happened to the idea of wanting to better things by making a meaningful contribution by merely being educated and doing a post-tertiary sector job?--was it really more or less an elusive fantasy?. A "carrot on a stick" to make labor force kids pull the carriage?.---Was it just,is it just me?.

When I entered community college I soon learned that the actually "labor" of science (doing experiments) is terribly underscored and it p----s me off that ppl are presumptous enough to think that everyone,anyone who enters a sci program is going to be/will be fine at doing this---does the idea of transferring cancer-causing liquids on a weekly if not daily basis via tubes which you must get the technique done for,for the rest of your life plus not contaminating anything else,sound like something appealing to you?. Like something as any two-bit greedy "I wanna be a doctor b/c money" p.o.shizz should be doing?. Do you like working with tools like a mechanic does?. One person told me how it felt like that for him (nice guy,by the way ).

The idea of feeling like Beaker from the Muppets for the rest of my life isn't appealing to me. Niether was programming. It's less "it's like learning a language" to me as much as it is "using the 'rules of reasoning' to make stuff",finicky though it is. I can articulate a lot but d--- how in recent times I've realized I can hardly reason or do logic--I skirt way more on the side of "emotionally charged" and am happy to be able to that and more."Truly" systemic and methodical is something I apparently have done little of--not that many others are good ar doing it or even identifying it -_-. How many Bertrand Russel's are there here?. Thus I liked last year in general arts and sciences,God bless are the lovely teachers in that program.
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I like the program I'm in now.

With this out of my system,rambly ash and pessimistic crud though it is,there's really only one other thing I want to expand on. It's race related and unlike this I don't feel as much an urgency to get it out soon.

Happy thing. Lion cub cloud http://netdna.walyou.netdna-cdn.com/wp- ... 908373.jpg

The line between where philosophy ends and psychology begins is a d--- hard one to find.

xod_s wrote:My mind is a stubborn a-- completionist,not wanting to do anything else until it covers the thing which it seeks to cover. In this case it's writing out a buncha stuff a---every teacher who's every written me off whether overtly or in their mind as just another shiftless,lazy weirdo student. I want them to look at all the s--- I've written,have their jaws drop,slowly turn around to me and my usual sleepy-ish gaze and be f---- afraid of what I can think of them. Next time they apply the write off "you did nothing the whole time",plz f---- think again.

I kinda feel like apologizing for that Nov 02, 2014 2:13 pm entry bit of wanting my teachers to be afraid of me,so I can expound on my own concerns. I'm sorry,it really feels sometimes that I care more about my own problems than I do about school .__. although I'm well aware of how effed I'd be without school.

It actually being cold enough to be making some light snow outside has made think that I've got to reconsider weekend homework doing methods when the thought of going out to the cold and snow or ice is a turn-off.

Happy stuff
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0nQeZrvatA

http://www.elephantsandeaster.com/post/ ... igeon-meme

Among the things I've had today were lots of leftover green tea and guanaba (which my mom says can have a drowsing effect) leaves mixed into some milkshakes I made this morning. I even used a bit of green tea left plus guava leaves in the water which I used to boil perogies with.

I put those perogies in tupperware along with some leftover liver and small pickles,since yesterday I tried out pickles alongside the meat I ate and found it be nicely accompanying,imo.

Thing is though,I ussually don't like anything caffeinated and while the shakes were overwhelming not tea leaves (there was peanut butter,oats,plantain atol,crushed nuts and maybe oats in the first one (the second one was much less in quantity), the thought that said caffeine mainly from the tea leaves themselves is streaming in my blood kinda bothers me. I really wish my sister didn't leave ample amounts of tea behind so often .

I just ate all the perogies and I have a worry that my body has been and is going to be like working like an industrial chemical plant this day b/c of the stimulants like caffeine from green tea, whatever drowsy sensation inducing components there are in guava leaves, the particular composition of liver plus the starchiness of plantains,perogies etc are gonna jive around my body tonight.

Ah well. I wouldn't like to sound "complain-y" about the great food combinations I've been having today.
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Of course I'm a "smart guy". How come I *feel* "juvenile" for having to ask other ppl for help on simple things which I feel are (or should be) beneath me to ask?. It's not all ego.

Happy things

http://sidetrack1.deviantart.com/art/Sk ... -301091516

http://www.picsgag.com/wp-content/uploa ... icture.jpg

Being the obsessive little completionist that I am when I put on a cracked podcast (one done live about movie plot-holes) the tab crashed but I'm not going to act on my impulse to "complete" listening to the podcast by going on the website again. I have a worry that I'll let something as topical as that play b/c of the bad habit I might have of "ignoring" (maybe more like not paying attention--intentionally or not-intentionally need not apply) to ppl.

What was I gonna say?. Ah. These workbooks while neglected by me,I want to do over the winter break b/c there actually do-ably fun once you get past how lagging behind I am. It s---ks that I gotta reduce my "ideal vision" of reading dozens of books,esp.non-fiction ones before the school year end to maybe not even 1/2 a dozen and the ones I'm thinking about are ones which I didn't finish completing.

Cool when you realize something nice about unpleasant,eh?.

http://img.pandawhale.com/49177-breakin ... -7ck6.jpeg