For those of you who partake......

I was going to post this to the Borderlines' thread of the same name. But, I thought our different traits (e.g., emphasis on control?) justifies a thread here:

With increased legalization of cannabis, I'm curious if pwNPD have found it helpful? (harmful?).

For me, it was instrumental in seeing myself honestly -- the long-term patterns, a new context for past events. I smoked every day for over a year. I have mixed feelings about its benefit at this point. It makes it hard to maintain day-to-day continuity of plans, projects. But, that loss of focus was part of how it helped me. I have a tendency to get too single-mindedly into plans and projects. Typically, if I started to face myself I'd distract myself with a new project -- and then beat on myself to be perfect, forgetting that misguided idea to look inward.

When I smoked the first time (with a young work friend who wanted to get me high) I was overwhelmed with paranoia and anxiety. Now I'm convinced it was my conscious mind losing control of what it spent a lifetime protecting.

I didn't have an epiphany about myself. Over a year pieces of the puzzle came together. A lot of it was self-examination while straight, reading a lot, etc. But, a lot of it came together while stoned. Usually this was just seeing things differently, or two pieces coming together in a way it wouldn't if left to my ordinary rationalizations.

I didn't seize on these things as if I was receiving divine thoughts. I knew I was stoned. But, I'd keep whatever it was in mind and over time it proved to be a key to the puzzle.

Example: A few months ago I was thinking about what caused me to have these traits. I could think of a dozen things and that vagueness made me question how significant my traits are. I dismissed that my first 6 years were it. How could it be when I remember nothing of it?

While that was my topic of thought, one night I was stoned and realized: I have exactly six memories of my mother, and they're all bad (inappropriate, abusive). These weren't repressed memories. I've recalled all of them occasionally throughout my life. I just never realized they were the only ones -- and there are no good ones.

That's how it was for a year as I put things together, weighed their significance, etc. My mind gave me what I needed to know when I needed to know it.

The way I see it: alcohol makes you feel good by making your problems go away. (Later you feel worse when they come back with a hangover.). Cannabis makes you feel how you are while your mind is open enough to take it. (And then you feel refreshed the next day. Perhaps with some things in clearer focus.).

Even now, smoking occasionally, if I feel anxious I consider what's going on with me; what I might be unsettled about. It usually comes to me. I often think of it as a "getting honest" session. I like this better than a day-to-day haze. It hits me harder when I'm not acclimated to it.

All I can say is it helped me a lot. But, everyone's different. Studies exist indicating cannabis can hasten schizophrenia in those already disposed to it. We probably are. Be careful.

I saw a thread in this forum where they talked about cannabis making you more aware of your SuperEgo (sadistic, hyper-critical). I immediately understood what they were talking about because I remember when I felt I could distinguish that part of me while stoned as a distinct entity, not all of me. Like I was telling it, "dude, chill."

PS: I've had no trouble quitting. No urges. For me it's not addictive at all. I've been addicted to nicotine. I believe I easily could be addicted to alcohol if I drank. (I believe I have been when I drank a lot in the past.). But, I had no trouble quitting after a year. There were no cravings. Maybe just muscle memory, an urge to reach for it out of habit.

Thanks TTL for sharing your story. I see a lot of NODs here but rarely do any of them share anything about them in the way you did. It is important because it helps clear some things about NPD, and there is a lot to be learned from it.

I will say I have had pretty similar experience with cannabis and it definitely helps clear some things and open the brain ways and doors in such a way that lifetime mysteries can be solved if we make some effort in that direction.

You have done an excellent job in posting good posts here that will be of help to many here.

Truth too late wrote:I was going to post this to the Borderlines' thread of the same name. But, I thought our different traits (e.g., emphasis on control?) justifies a thread here:

With increased legalization of cannabis, I'm curious if pwNPD have found it helpful? (harmful?).

Depending on the strain it makes me able to feel emotions, including old pain, but it also makes me daydream more obsessively.
I've stopped smokin atm for about 4months now, because of attempting therapy heh. Smoked for about 12 years or something.

I smoked a lot of weed back in the day, but I gave up because it began to make me feel anxious and hyper self conscious, and I grew to hate the feeling of not having complete self control, which is why I gave up all the other drugs too. It also made me lazy and unmotivated. I'm sure if I didn't quit I would have turned into a typical loser stoner.

Ecstasy, now that's were it was at. I felt connected to everyone, it was incredible. There was no judgement in my mind, it was like all the barriers came down.

TheLord wrote:it definitely helps clear some things and open the brain ways and doors in such a way that lifetime mysteries can be solved if we make some effort in that direction.

That reminds me: I should have stressed I was already in crisis for 2-4 months and literally at the end of my rope. It wasn't like cannabis performed a miracle by itself. Cannabis helped me understand things I was already painfully accepting. (TheLord, thank you for your kind words too.).

Akuma wrote:Depending on the strain it makes me able to feel emotions, including old pain, but it also makes me daydream more obsessively.

I like indicas (body stone) more than sativas (mind high). Hindu Kush is my favorite. It's the most serene feeling. But, I like a strong head-slapping sativa sometimes too.

I also grew my own stuff (I'm a narcissist. Surely I could do better than I could buy!). The slow pace was relaxing, learning to read their needs. I never thought I had a "green thumb." I learned a lot and it's nice to know how the stuff I smoke was handled. To open a jar and remember when it was a seedling. I miss growing, but I have enough to last 2 years at the rate I use it now. (I won't grow to sell. Too risky.).

Nightdrive wrote:It also made me lazy and unmotivated. I'm sure if I didn't quit I would have turned into a typical loser stoner.

I quit when I was 21 because I felt exactly the way you describe. But, that's also when I took a sharp turn towards being who I wasn't. I often wonder if 35 years of being an unmotivated stoner would have been better than being successful -- but disordered, alone, hurting others, dishonest to myself and others.

It's easy for me to say that now from the security of being able to retire early and live in a haze for two years, not having to worry about anything. (I was working part-time just to get out of the house, associate with a different type of people, etc.).

The last >2 years has been typified by that kind of bitter irony. A lot of regret, and yet the realization that I may not have been able to see who I am any other way. I don't want to revive the "something larger than myself" theme in another thread. But, things about how this unfolded seemed more than just coincidence. The ironies seemed unusual. It's hard to explain. It was humbling, which is never bad for an N.

When someone reaches that hitting bottom and willing to let go, I think cannabis can help a lot. I don't know if I could have understood myself when I was 21. It's different looking back on the effects of being disordered. When I was 21 I assumed the choices were trying harder to be who I needed to be, or being a loser. And, a nagging awareness I could be mentally ill if I let it. I couldn't face that nagging awareness until I realized my life had been what you'd expect from being mentally ill. I don't know how I could have faced that at 21. It seems like it had to be what it was. All I can do is tell 21-year-olds to consider whether living a mentally-ill life is worth it. It could be better to face it early and lead a more normal life. (I don't know if cannabis would be helpful at 21 when facing one's traits without the benefit of hindsight like I had.).

TheLord wrote:it ... opens the brain ways and doors in such a way that lifetime mysteries can be solved if we make some effort in that direction.

I thought about that more. I've gone to bed with a question on my mind (e.g. how to solve a programming problem) and woke with the answer.

I think cannabis is like that. But, I'm awake when the thought comes to mind. Less risk of the conscious mind quickly turning it into a forgotten dream when waking from sleep. It's like I'm a spectator to a half-conscious dream, closer to that subconscious process.

I'd call it "dreaming while awake."

That's why I think the common sensation of paranoia and anxiety is fear of that contact with the subconscious, what might emerge. The kind of reaction you have when leaning back over a cliff when rappelling the first time, or deliberately stepping out of an airplane the first time you parachute. The great unknown, faith in something entirely out of your control.

Truth too late wrote:I thought about that more. I've gone to bed with a question on my mind (e.g. how to solve a programming problem) and woke with the answer.

I think cannabis is like that. But, I'm awake when the thought comes to mind. Less risk of the conscious mind quickly turning it into a forgotten dream when waking from sleep. It's like I'm a spectator to a half-conscious dream, closer to that subconscious process.

I'd call it "dreaming while awake."

That's why I think the common sensation of paranoia and anxiety is fear of that contact with the subconscious, what might emerge. The kind of reaction you have when leaning back over a cliff when rappelling the first time, or deliberately stepping out of an airplane the first time you parachute. The great unknown, faith in something entirely out of your control.

There is an interesting connection in that Cannabis affects the sleep pattern and acute withdrawal f.e. usually leads to extended / deeper hypnopompic states - maybe due the thc getting metabolized faster than cbd who knows. In any case, the hypnagogic/hypnopompic state is characterized by an absence of defense mechanisms, reality-check and comes often hand in hand with hallucinations and forms of synasthesia. Apparently you can learn to use this state for problem-solving, by meditation or autogenic training. Not sure though what cannabis does psychologically to make access to deeper meditative absorption possible, was never able to figure that out, except for that the more energetc strains tended to give me an positive, rushy feeling in the heart-centre and one-pointedness in concentration practices was way easier.
Paranoia and anxiety on the other hand side from my experience were always completely strain-dependent, not dependent on the potency.

That was a lot to read, so I skimmed it. Weed makes me "normal". I don't have to worry about my urges, generally ill approach people or be more open with random people. I tend to smile and laugh more, it also gets rid of any physical pain I may have and helps me sleep.

Am I the only one that listens to music in a trance while high? I've never seen anyone on here really mention music while high.

jipped wrote:Am I the only one that listens to music in a trance while high? I've never seen anyone on here really mention music while high.

Cannabis helped me see deeper into myself about 3 months after my shattering began. It made me feel very vulnerable, paranoid, anxious. If I hadn't already committed to rooting out what was wrong with me, I would have stopped because it was overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

After 5-6 times over two weeks it was much better. As I loosened up and went with the flow things would come to mind about what I was constantly pondering (what's wrong with me). I would make connections to how things in my past were related. It played large part of getting inside myself, being honest with myself, feeling comfortable with myself.

I have about 2200 songs I've collected over 18 years. They started speaking to me differently. I think the first one was two years ago. I was listening to Buffalo Springfield's Mr. Soul and I instantly thought "that says so much." I wouldn't discover cNPD for another 6 months.

After learning about cNPD and understanding myself better, I've been shocked at how many of my songs spoke to me about something I never understood. If you browse that thread you'll find some I posted there. I've been using some with my avatars. I have a lot I'm waiting to use. There's also a thread on the BPD forum where I've posted some that stood out to me in some way.

It seems like being self-aware has opened up a part of my mind that is more creative. I used to pick songs by how they made me feel. I didn't think about what it meant. I didn't have a deep "appreciation" of music. It was more like defining who I was (without realizing it). I chose songs as "this is who I am. If someone listened to all these, they'd get a feel for my 'vibe.'" It's funny looking back on it because I had no idea what my vibe was, I was clueless what those songs said, etc. I was going through motions which happened to be correct in ways I didn't realize.

Weed makes me feel more normal too. I'd write more but I'm off to work. For me, it really helps with both my NPD and BPD symptoms. I'll expand on this later.