Tips for figuring out who you (plural) are?

Breakthrough. I am so happy. Stuff that has been on the edge of my awareness for a while came more to my awareness yesterday night. I knew it was coming and made a conscious decision to be open to it. When it happened, my ears started buzzing and I had severe nerve pain in my neck. After I wrote it all down, the pain went away and I went to sleep.

I have realized over time that the way my DID is, is that there are parts grouped together behind the front, influences the part or parts hosting. Some are more subject to influence than others. I have been feeling overwhelmed not knowing who I am or if I am anything, or if this is even real. But last night I located who I am. I'm a very influence-able teenager who somehow holds together "Legal_Name" and holds the mannerisms and other things that make up the essence of our social being. I have a name but had forgotten it for the past 20 years.

Also as part of this new awareness, I learned who Alex is in relationship to me, who Unnamed girl is in historical and functional terms, and who is the housewife in historical terms (before she was a housewife, she was a bossy little girl). I got a kind of map/image of how we fit together, and today I understood another daily life part, too.

It is a relief to know who I am, that I am a teenager. I go around feeling like a teenager so much of the time, and feeling sort of guilty about it. But I feel like a teenager because emotionally/developmentally, I am a teenager.

I understand why people might want to list their alters in their signature; it's because this feeling of knowing makes all the difference, and takes a lot of work to get there. But it's not something you can share with the world.

Nondescript wrote:Breakthrough. I am so happy. Stuff that has been on the edge of my awareness for a while came more to my awareness yesterday night. I knew it was coming and made a conscious decision to be open to it. When it happened, my ears started buzzing and I had severe nerve pain in my neck. After I wrote it all down, the pain went away and I went to sleep.

I have realized over time that the way my DID is, is that there are parts grouped together behind the front, influences the part or parts hosting. Some are more subject to influence than others. I have been feeling overwhelmed not knowing who I am or if I am anything, or if this is even real. But last night I located who I am. I'm a very influence-able teenager who somehow holds together "Legal_Name" and holds the mannerisms and other things that make up the essence of our social being. I have a name but had forgotten it for the past 20 years.

Also as part of this new awareness, I learned who Alex is in relationship to me, who Unnamed girl is in historical and functional terms, and who is the housewife in historical terms (before she was a housewife, she was a bossy little girl). I got a kind of map/image of how we fit together, and today I understood another daily life part, too.

It is a relief to know who I am, that I am a teenager. I go around feeling like a teenager so much of the time, and feeling sort of guilty about it. But I feel like a teenager because emotionally/developmentally, I am a teenager.

I understand why people might want to list their alters in their signature; it's because this feeling of knowing makes all the difference, and takes a lot of work to get there. But it's not something you can share with the world.

This is awesome! I hope you are feeling some sense of relief from learning more.

I can totally relate to feeling like a teenager. I have never felt my age and most of the time feel like I am just pretending to be an adult.

Breakthrough. I am so happy. Stuff that has been on the edge of my awareness for a while came more to my awareness yesterday night. I knew it was coming and made a conscious decision to be open to it. When it happened, my ears started buzzing and I had severe nerve pain in my neck. After I wrote it all down, the pain went away and I went to sleep.

Yay a breakthrough!! Nondescript Did your ears ever stop buzzing? Mine started buzzing when I first became aware of my system but the noise never stopped!

Xoxox

Nondescript wrote:Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I will reply later, but I want to update on this.

The night I wrote this post, I decided I couldn't both want to get better and refuse to acknowledge my parts, so I made a list with some details of alters I am aware of, along with some attributes I know, and sent it to my therapist.

In therapy lately I have been having this sensation of these different voices talking clearly in my head, wanting to speak, which is progress from at first when this started happening and I would barely be able to speak or describe what was happening. In daily life, the experiences vary, but therapy is a different space.

After sending the list, along with an additional trigger happening (that I should have tried to avoid but it came from nowhere), I can't keep track of myself and feel like all these parts that I haven't had any contact with for ages are active. Some are quite volatile, leading to a feeling of emergency for some other parts. It's quite odd sensations. It is clear that there are different minds operating independently, at the same time, that have totally different experiences. This isn't a surprise to all of us, it seems, but it is overwhelming to some. As well, at least one or two are unaware or in total denial.

What a mess!

While this constitutes a crisis for some, it is progress if I use the opportunity properly. Which I intend to do.

How's it going nondescript? Making progress?

am4kds wrote:This is awesome! I hope you are feeling some sense of relief from learning more.

I can totally relate to feeling like a teenager. I have never felt my age and most of the time feel like I am just pretending to be an adult.

Thanks for celebrating with me. It was a relief for half a day. I was really happy. Then I got triggered and got all messed up. I think the best part of my discovery might be that my husband was really supportive and positive. Of some of the details, he said, 'this is so amazing, you have to write a book some day," admiringly. Usually I feel ashamed of being like this, and his positive thoughts helped me and other parts of me.

I have a mom friend who has some trauma history who one time was faced with an unpleasant (but not really traumatic) situation. When she was telling me about, she said she felt in that moment, "ok, somebody better come deal with this! Oh, shoot, I'm supposed to be the grown-up!" haha! So I guess it's a relatively common feeling. I think these days I have become heavily influenced by a part of me from when i was 17. maybe I'm kind of no one. But I'm mostly that part, with that name, as much as I can say I am anyone.

Congratulations Nondescript! You worked hard for this! Well done.

Nondescript wrote:I understand why people might want to list their alters in their signature; it's because this feeling of knowing makes all the difference, and takes a lot of work to get there. But it's not something you can share with the world.

Never say never. I predict very soon you will be ready to uncover your system in your signature. That is one of those transitions we all face, and it is a big one. It marks a moment when we finally feel safe enough to risk coming out online. Know that if you ever have regrets you can erase the signature content and the erasure will apply to all your posts, not just your future posts. It will apply to all the posts you have already made.

For me, creating my signature involved a leap of faith. In some ways it reminded me of my wedding ceremony. It signified that I formally recognize and acknowledge my insiders. It was scary for all of us but also liberating. And validating. Also, it helped to cut through the periodic fits of denial that I experienced for the first year or so after my diagnosis.

You're doing great. Carry on.

You see to discover things at a fast pace now, and i think its great. For me even coming out online seemed super hard but it got easier. <3

Im-pure wrote:You see to discover things at a fast pace now, and i think its great. For me even coming out online seemed super hard but it got easier. <3

Thank you! In terms of speed, I think I benefit because I have a stable home life, a healthy and supportive husband, a couple of RL (distance) friends I can talk to, and, as a teenager, a few parts of me woke up and started this whole process of understanding and self-communication. I just didn't exactly know about it. So "we" are not starting completely from scratch. In March, though, I am going to assume some care for my aging, disabled mother when she moves to my area, and that could be a total disaster, or send everything underground.

I am having anger issues. I thought they stem mainly from a particular teen alter. (See thread: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic149386.html) His signature is that he swears and talks under his breath, complaining about being stuck in this body taking care of these kids, etc. He has kind of a fast energy to me. But today I had one of those angry-for-no-obvious-reason episodes while my husband was around. My husband is not very observant so I don't expect much help from him.

Situation: Socially uncomfortable interaction, combined with getting children in car and deciding what to do (because I failed to plan). I felt "desperation" and even suicidal as a 'made feeling.' I had been feeling "not right" all day (and all life, haha).
*trigger parental anger, mention of taking care of children*
I took the baby to the bathroom.

According to my husband, when I came back, I had changed to being angry and impatient, eye rolling, bitter. Nothing happened in the bathroom to precipitate this, but before this all happened, I did find myself in an awkward situation. When I am like this, I believe children are bad and my husband is my enemy. Except I don't really believe that. My memory is fuzzy but not gone. My speech was short and clipped, as I angrily made and described plans. For a moment, a look of recognition passed over my husband, and he said with big eyes, "your face looks wider," and I felt that "talking through" feeling, that he was talking to someone else, who received the words and seemingly chose not to acknowledge them. (My husband later said it was just at that moment that it seemed very obvious, but that my overall posture during this whole period was more slouched, tense, my eyelids set differently, yet he couldn't say that this wasn't just angry body language... and promised to notice more next time this happens.)

Then when I was putting my daughter's shoes on after we arrived, I snapped to awareness and saw myself being impatient and rough (and was horrified.) I fought to get forward, say that my actions were wrong and apologize, and put the shoes on gently. But soon after, the bitter one returned and I was struggling to "act right" and "feel right," but I couldn't get there.

After making some crazily bitter comment to my husband, and then feeling the angry teen start to get his angry energy/swearing under breath going, I was at least able to shut myself up. And on top of that, out of "no where," I felt that suicidal desperation, like everything was going bad, and my clothes felt itchy and uncomfortable, and I started to feel I didn't know where I was (and sensing I was in my childhood.) Then I lost sight of my husband (in the actual location) and wandered to the edge of the location to get some space. My body was very difficult to move, stiff. It felt a little like that on the way to the location, too.

Next I found myself in a different location and another alter, a pleasantly motherly one I recognize, was there engaging a group of children including my own, no signs of the anger. But as I watched I still felt "off" and aware of the desperation, just not feeling it. The end. *end trigger*

The desperate feeling seemed to be from a child or teen. My husband said I seemed like a teenager during the episode.

All this is typical for me, nothing unusual. What's unusual is for me to pay attention and try to understand my inner dynamics.

Also, this angry gesture, like a certain movement that I do when I get into these states, sometimes happens when the angry teen boy is around, but is it possible his anger triggers the teenager girl, and the girl is the one that does this gesture? Or vice versa? Or maybe my alters aren't that distinct and they share traits like that. Hmm.

Or I am overly pathologizing a normal experience? I know all parents experience anger. I experience my own anger, too. These other experiences seem more intense and reactionary, and not in my mind or control. My husband and I talked about how this is a familiar state, and he just thinks of it as me--after all, it answers to the same name and functions in my stead--but also said it is different from me and somehow a manifestation of DID, in his opinion. Still, so confusing. I need to stop having these episodes.

post-script: I also remember I kept feeling very self-conscious about my weight, and feeling "fat," which is not typical for me. But there is a teen alter for whom this is an issue. And she has been active lately. So maybe it is her.

I wonder if it can sometimes be like a chain reaction, where Alter A triggers Alter B, and then a protector comes out on behalf of Alter B, but that protector's methods trigger Alter D, who responds with panic and suicidal thoughts, which triggers Alter E - and so on indefinitely.

Sometimes I perceive that my 'shifts' can be very gradual, almost like a.. boiling-a-lobster phenomenon. But sometimes I feel so totally overwhelmed with crowded, conflicting, all-over-the-place thoughts and emotions going nuts, and I'm not sure if I have one, very strong and intense persona coming up on me, or if I a group of them are all flying off the handle together.

Just wondering because (and I could be mistaken) your post makes it seem like you had at least 3 personas (not even including you) cycling in a relatively short amount of time (the angry male teen, signs of the female teen and then a motherly one). But even that doesn't seem to account for the suicidal feeling, the 'made feeling' you mention (I have to look up what a made feeling is). I don't see an assignment of the suicidal feeling to any persona. And then it's also like, what triggered the angry teen one in the first place? You say he gripes about having to "take care of "these kids". Did a child alter freak out? Does the male teen mean having to take care of your flesh-and-blood children, or your child alters?