Tips for figuring out who you (plural) are?

Hi - I'm new here and I have just been diagnosed DID. I'm so frightened of what my life will look like. I've been diagnosed with GAD, MDD, and DID since a particular crisis that happened two years ago. I haven't been able to shake it and my life has been messed up ever since. I'm on a myriad of meds - I'm an insomniac and I'm no longer employed. I read about others in this post knowing about alters, their names, ages, likes/dislikes etc., even though I speak to myself incessantly, I don't know any "others" - perhaps I would try some of these tips to see where it goes - personally, I'm afraid of what I will find. Is this common? I know I should love who I am and all of me but right now I don't really know....I'm terribly depressed and often suicidal...I have an awesome trauma specialist working with me and he seems to know when I'm not "myself"....trained eye for it. I often lose time and don't know how I got where I am, I can sometimes "see" myself doing things like through a foggy window..but I don't control what I do...it's so scary - I'm afraid I might have been misdiagnosed but it sounds like I haven't...any thoughts?

knewme wrote:Hi - I'm new here and I have just been diagnosed DID. I'm so frightened of what my life will look like. I've been diagnosed with GAD, MDD, and DID since a particular crisis that happened two years ago. I haven't been able to shake it and my life has been messed up ever since. I'm on a myriad of meds - I'm an insomniac and I'm no longer employed. I read about others in this post knowing about alters, their names, ages, likes/dislikes etc., even though I speak to myself incessantly, I don't know any "others" - perhaps I would try some of these tips to see where it goes - personally, I'm afraid of what I will find. Is this common? I know I should love who I am and all of me but right now I don't really know....I'm terribly depressed and often suicidal...I have an awesome trauma specialist working with me and he seems to know when I'm not "myself"....trained eye for it. I often lose time and don't know how I got where I am, I can sometimes "see" myself doing things like through a foggy window..but I don't control what I do...it's so scary - I'm afraid I might have been misdiagnosed but it sounds like I haven't...any thoughts?

Since you're kind of in an unstable state, you might want to be careful about contacting other parts of yourself without discussing it and having a plan with your therapist or other support people first. Sometimes I end up with awareness of kind of scary stuff. It's ok because I have support and one of the other parts of me is good at dealing with that, and we cooperate.

I'm sorry you've been going through such pain. I used to have a terrible problem with feeling suicidal and it was so stressful. (I guess in my case another part of me still has the problem, but I don't know.) It's good you're aware of the need for self-compassion even if you're not there yet. I'm working on it, too.

It's very common to be afraid of what you'll find. It's super scarey knowing something is there but not clear on what it is. If you've done your research, which you should do btw, you'll understand most DID is believed to be caused by severe trauma. Traumas like emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. The reason DID develops is because a part of you splits off to protect you while you were being harmed. It's a survival/coping mechanism and for some, like me, it litterally saved my life.

You just gotta take it one day at a time. It takes time to heal and learn to cope and going through it all can be very painful. But it's worth it to come out on the other side feeling better. You'll have your good days and bad, but the triumphs you make surviving the bad ones feel so good. You get to feel one step closer, it's just that there are a whole lot of steps.

Your T will help guide you. Sounds like you have a good one, from what you say and that's a really good thing. Sometimes it can be hard for some people to find a T who recognizes it and can treat it.

You have people inside that took care of you when you were unable to protect yourself. Talk to them. Tell them you appreciate what they did, that you love them. Tell them how you feel, chances are some of them will feel the same then one day one will step forward and talk to you. I used to have endless conversations, dialogue, and chatter in my head all the time. When I started talking, all went quiet. It was weird. Once I stopped fighting it, and spoke genuinely about my appreciation and love and fear, they eventually came forward and now i'm learning about them. It's been hard.

My SI girl, Jessie came out last night and gave me a black eye. My SO had to restrain her, and kept talking to her, then let her cry it out until she passed out. But she was hell bent on wanting to hurt me. She's calm now. I love her and wish I could take away her pain. I can, in time as I deal with my issues and learn. Until then I let her know I love her unconditionally. My black eye will be gone in a few days, but her pain will be there for a long time.

We'll get there one day and so will you.

Thank you for both of your replies. Good advice. I'm in a bad place now but hope for better days...

Nondescript wrote:my therapist said before we can get better as a whole, we have to know who we are in plural.

Exactly. Don't worry about narcissistic investment in separateness; at this point your system clearly needs a little more internal separation and delineation, not less.

-- Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:17 pm --

Knewme, I like your screen name! You may have heard this before, but it is worth repeating: where you are right now is right in the middle of the hardest, most scary part of your journey. Stay with it. It gets better.

I don't know about all this asking internally stuff but what do I say when I'm at my T office and just appear - it's awkward as hell and Not sure if I shud just leave or what?

Btw - are flashbacks always so frightening and bad?

knewme wrote:\what do I say when I'm at my T office and just appear - it's awkward as hell and Not sure if I shud just leave or what?

How about saying what just happened: You "come to" and find yourself in your T's office, and you don't know if you are there by appointment, or what. Ask what did you miss!

Your T should be able to fill in some blanks for you, and sooner or later these reports of what happened during your episodes of lost time will help you begin to not lose time.

-- Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:45 pm --

knewme wrote:Btw - are flashbacks always so frightening and bad?

They stay that way only as long as you remain phobic about them and try to suppress or avoid them. Therapy, with a therapist who is competent to treat trauma and dissociation, is really, really helpful.

Im-pure wrote:Nondescript i can relate to you a lot. I even think we had a host switch sometimes this year because i definitely dont feel like the same person i was late last year/at the beginning of this one. I think i am co-hosting with someone else and it makes things a bit confusing for both me and people around who did notice the changes. If i look back at the time i even joined this site i dont even recognize the ''me'' who was posting...so its all like a process of getting to know me and all of us basically.

Thanks for writing this. Do you feel like you are co-conscious to a large degree with the co-host? I feel like most of me is co-conscious to some degree, but there are times of amnesia, even semi-long periods (days) at times for parts of me. But the co-consciousness is somehow not onsistemt or straight-forward and makes things seem very choppy at times.

I think back to when I seemingly had a host change, right before my recent pregnancy. I became very different somewhat suddenly during a health crisis when I was emotionally very concerned about my ability to function. But I was still there somewhere. I was kind of watching and sometimes re-emerging to be my usual serious, depressive self, but most of the time my actions and ways of dealing with things were very different, influenced by the writings and philosophy of a certain health authority as well as affirmations, guided imagery, and a vigilant focus on living life for the sake of healing and health. She left the past completely behind in order to focus on physical healing, well-being and emotional survival. She transformed my body in a positive way. It was amazing in that I (she) healed myself of a major problem and then helped myself cope with a pregnancy that that part of me apparently brought about. But in the end, she disappeared, and here I am again and I don't understand 'where' she is, if she's anywhere. Maybe it wasn't a host change, but something else. It's very confusing.

am4kds wrote:When we started I only knew of three of us. Those three because they had always been there. All the rest have appeared during some crisis, small and large. It has taken all this time to realize that "A" has been co-hosting with me, and responding to Amy. I kept asking my T and my husband about this feeling I had, but even they were having a difficult time discerning her because "i've always been moody like that".

This is the thing. Those who might notice are used to me being however I am. I think it takes a new situation or crisis for me to notice or figure things out. Who "they" are is hiding in plain view.

am4kds wrote:I have had a tendency to assign certain feelings and behaviors of unknown parts on known parts until it is figured out; like a lot of Justice's stuff I loaded on Melissa, but it never quite felt right. We had to wait (3 months) to be able to communicate with Justice once we were even aware of this other part.

This is a very good insight. I think this is true with me, too.

am4kds wrote:I think that all these "crisis" are periods where a little more of the amnesiac barriers are dropped. Some take longer than others. At this point I know and recognize A, but she still doesn't recognize me.

At least there's some value to the crises. I'm happy you've learned about A. I hope she'll soon wake up to you more.