Tips for figuring out who you (plural) are?

I have been going through this initial waking up crisis for a couple of months, where I realized and started to accept I have DID.

Unlike some people who have alters who know who they are and who others are, it seems like much of me doesn't know who we are, except that we are different from some others. Many still don't know we are a we. Many of us (all of us?) are going around in a fog so much of the time that it is hard to figure anything out. When I try to do "grounding exercises," I get flooded with terror or end up derealizing and zoning out even more.

It's not as if alters are showing up and introducing themselves. I have to wait until they come out on their own and then try to find a pattern, for the most part. If my SO notices differences and asks who they are, they either say "I don't know," "what do you mean?" or "I'm me, same as always." A few of us know who we are or are slowly discovering as we slog through history to try to identify ourselves. It's very complicated and arduous.

I mentioned to my therapist Una+'s mention of doing collages or pages in a notebook for each alter. I've always despised that sort of thing, fearing it would exacerbate the condition or create "narcissistic investment," but my therapist said before we can get better as a whole, we have to know who we are in plural. So confusing.

Any thoughts on how to clarify the process?

If you don't like doing art or writing, try going inside and talk to them. Tell them how you genuinely feel. Let them know you understand they're cofused and so are you. Tell them you want to get to know each of them. You can let them know you're scared because this is all new to you and it's new to them too. Maybe through communicating with them you can get a sense of your system. Don't get discouraged if they don't respond right away, just keep talking, be honest and genuine. Don't forget to tell them that you love them.

When I first accepted and realized what was happening to me, I started talking genuinely. Just saying things to whoever was listening. A lot of the stuff I said was what I said above. I would beg for someone to talk to me. Then one day Mother showed up and she became my confidant and guide to getting to know them.

Then shapes and figures were revealing themselves a little bit. I could get a good sense of gender, emotions and some by the job they did. I knew there were 4 including Mother. Then Mother said, "when you want to get to know someone dear, shouldn't you start by asking their names?" So I did, and I got my first name, then several came forward and introduced themselves. I ended up with 8 names. Mother, Kenzie, Alex, Richard, Jason, Charlie, Jessie and Chaz. I was overwhelmed. I had to write it down so I would remember. It's been amazing.

I think talking to them went a long way to them trusting me and being able and willing to talk to me. Charlie told me there's a few more but they prefer to stay in the shadows for now. I still talk to them though, I get no response.

Maybe you can help them find their names and identities. I think it will be helpful. My T kept telling me to talk to them when i'd get frustrated, I knew they were there but wouldn't talk. It paid off in the end.

Good luck and I hope you get to know them. It's a wonderful experience.

firelamb67 wrote:If you don't like doing art or writing, try going inside and talk to them. Tell them how you genuinely feel. Let them know you understand they're cofused and so are you. Tell them you want to get to know each of them. You can let them know you're scared because this is all new to you and it's new to them too. Maybe through communicating with them you can get a sense of your system. Don't get discouraged if they don't respond right away, just keep talking, be honest and genuine. Don't forget to tell them that you love them.
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Good luck and I hope you get to know them. It's a wonderful experience.

Reading your post, I realized how I am trying to make this into some kind of puzzle i can intellectually figure out, but that's really not the answer. This whole thing has something to do with me not being able to handle what's happening inside me (even if in reaction to things happening outside of me) and the answer is to look inside, talk inside, etc.

What a pain. I know it can be enlightening and all that, but the last thing I want to do is look inside. I am stuck outside and I am out of touch because this is all too much for me.

When I was a kid I was aware of this elaborate non-physical world that I existed in. As an adult I finally lost touch with it, or it didn't seem real or important anymore. I thought it was a sign of maturity and maybe even healing. It turns out it wasn't a sign of that, it was a sign of me being completely cut off from myself. The world I remember still exists, and there were other parts of it that I had confusing hints of as a child that still exist. I'm just not in touch anymore. And this thing that's happening now, this waking up, involves me needing to get in touch with it.

I want to make it into some complicated tasks that requires very impossible to understand steps so that there will be a good reason why I am not in touch. But your post is a reminder that's not so. If I try to be open, that's how I'll learn about my other parts. I have to admit now that I want to know intellectually but I don't really want to know all the way.

Thanks for your excellent post, and for sharing your beautiful story of learning about yourself. I love reading what you write! It's inspiring!

Nondescript i can relate to you a lot. I even think we had a host switch sometimes this year because i definitely dont feel like the same person i was late last year/at the beginning of this one. I think i am co-hosting with someone else and it makes things a bit confusing for both me and people around who did notice the changes. If i look back at the time i even joined this site i dont even recognize the ''me'' who was posting...so its all like a process of getting to know me and all of us basically.

For us it was really mainly just about waiting and being patient. We all had a lot to figure out before we were ready to get to know each other, but once I (the host) stopped denying everything and REALLY dove into it all, REALLY trying to contact without making up excuses, concious or subconcious, we made great progress. Good luck to all of you!

-- Thu Sep 18, 2014 3:14 pm --

For us it was really mainly just about waiting and being patient. We all had a lot to figure out before we were ready to get to know each other, but once I (the host) stopped denying everything and REALLY dove into it all, REALLY trying to contact without making up excuses, concious or subconcious, we made great progress. Good luck to all of you!

Nondescript,

I've wanted to reply to this but I have not been myself this week.

Nondescript wrote:I want to make it into some complicated tasks that requires very impossible to understand steps so that there will be a good reason why I am not in touch. But your post is a reminder that's not so. If I try to be open, that's how I'll learn about my other parts. I have to admit now that I want to know intellectually but I don't really want to know all the way.

When we started I only knew of three of us. Those three because they had always been there. All the rest have appeared during some crisis, small and large. It has taken all this time to realize that "A" has been co-hosting with me, and responding to Amy. I kept asking my T and my husband about this feeling I had, but even they were having a difficult time discerning her because "i've always been moody like that". Now that we know it is obvious, especially looking back at my journals and other writings. But in the midst of it the amnesia was so strong. I have had a tendency to assign certain feelings and behaviors of unknown parts on known parts until it is figured out; like a lot of Justice's stuff I loaded on Melissa, but it never quite felt right. We had to wait (3 months) to be able to communicate with Justice once we were even aware of this other part.

I think that all these "crisis" are periods where a little more of the amnesiac barriers are dropped. Some take longer than others. At this point I know and recognize A, but she still doesn't recognize me.

Nondescript wrote:I have been going through this initial waking up crisis for a couple of months, where I realized and started to accept I have DID.

Unlike some people who have alters who know who they are and who others are, it seems like much of me doesn't know who we are, except that we are different from some others. Many still don't know we are a we. Many of us (all of us?) are going around in a fog so much of the time that it is hard to figure anything out. When I try to do "grounding exercises," I get flooded with terror or end up derealizing and zoning out even more.

It's not as if alters are showing up and introducing themselves. I have to wait until they come out on their own and then try to find a pattern, for the most part. If my SO notices differences and asks who they are, they either say "I don't know," "what do you mean?" or "I'm me, same as always." A few of us know who we are or are slowly discovering as we slog through history to try to identify ourselves. It's very complicated and arduous.

I mentioned to my therapist Una+'s mention of doing collages or pages in a notebook for each alter. I've always despised that sort of thing, fearing it would exacerbate the condition or create "narcissistic investment," but my therapist said before we can get better as a whole, we have to know who we are in plural. So confusing.

Any thoughts on how to clarify the process?

Hi,

We ask around inside, we write, communicate to an extent. We still "glitch"so to say, some in our system dont seem to know aswell, and when they front, there seem to be an confusion going on. We ourselves are mostly influenced one way or another, so it makes it more complex. Its not cardboard boxes for us. You could ask what people inside like, their dislikes for example. leave notes ( if it is possible, voice it inside so some people know ) Its difficult.
Most of the time we dont know really what is going on, who is speaking, if someone is out or not.
Inside talking seem not always to work for us unfortunatly, adding only more confusion, sometimes asking "did i fill in, or was it an answer from some one else?"
I think its an matter of patience.
I dont know if there is some point you can go work from, like, an point of communication possible?
We very much relate to the fog thing Inside
Just our 2 cents i guess.
For us it came overtime I think, can honestly not remember. remember very little tbh, how communication starts, as if we find ourselves directly in it at times.
I think time is the best answer, having patience. mostly there are slightly clues and may come across something that "clicks", or an name pops up for some reason. Just keep going even if it feels there is no progress. Dont chase, give them space, invite them, let them know you listen.
Not sure if this is helpfull
Other people in this tread have given great advice in our opinion. many resonate and nod
~mixture?

Still not quite sure what's actually wrong with me, I tried this talking to myself tip, and for example I said to myself: "Can you please write me something". It felt really stupid because I thought "of course I write something if I decide to write something". Then suddenly I realize I had found a pen and paper and written stuff down without realizing I'm doing it. Even though I do remember getting the pen and paper and feeling that I know what I'm doing, now when looking back at this (it happened 10 minutes ago), it seems like it was someone else. And it feels like it happened two weeks ago. Don't know what to make of this, it seems it would be easier if I had actual personalities that everyone else could see too, now my behaviour falls under the category of quirky and weird and maybe too childish for her age. Also been accused of acting all the time, because I guess my personalities seem like they are someone, but very caricaturistic versions of that someone.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I will reply later, but I want to update on this.

The night I wrote this post, I decided I couldn't both want to get better and refuse to acknowledge my parts, so I made a list with some details of alters I am aware of, along with some attributes I know, and sent it to my therapist.

In therapy lately I have been having this sensation of these different voices talking clearly in my head, wanting to speak, which is progress from at first when this started happening and I would barely be able to speak or describe what was happening. In daily life, the experiences vary, but therapy is a different space.

After sending the list, along with an additional trigger happening (that I should have tried to avoid but it came from nowhere), I can't keep track of myself and feel like all these parts that I haven't had any contact with for ages are active. Some are quite volatile, leading to a feeling of emergency for some other parts. It's quite odd sensations. It is clear that there are different minds operating independently, at the same time, that have totally different experiences. This isn't a surprise to all of us, it seems, but it is overwhelming to some. As well, at least one or two are unaware or in total denial.

What a mess!

While this constitutes a crisis for some, it is progress if I use the opportunity properly. Which I intend to do.

scharah wrote:Still not quite sure what's actually wrong with me, I tried this talking to myself tip, and for example I said to myself: "Can you please write me something". It felt really stupid because I thought "of course I write something if I decide to write something". Then suddenly I realize I had found a pen and paper and written stuff down without realizing I'm doing it. Even though I do remember getting the pen and paper and feeling that I know what I'm doing, now when looking back at this (it happened 10 minutes ago), it seems like it was someone else. And it feels like it happened two weeks ago. Don't know what to make of this, it seems it would be easier if I had actual personalities that everyone else could see too, now my behaviour falls under the category of quirky and weird and maybe too childish for her age. Also been accused of acting all the time, because I guess my personalities seem like they are someone, but very caricaturistic versions of that someone.

Sounds to me like it worked! You went inside, asked for something and someone responded. You have found a way to communicate and that's really good. If you keep going inside and talking genuinely, maybe one day someone will talk back.