I am here!

** Trigger warning: ranting **

Who am I what do I here what what is this...

I don't know. I can type. I can. And drawing. And coloring. I can't speak. I dont not. I don't know!!!!!

What am I doing here? Why am I not there? There inside?
I have drawn. I will post that. In a short while. I think.

Or something. Is that allowed?

Yes.

Allowed. -?

No idea. Who that was.

I am so tired. I am so tired! I am ... I don't know. I hate typing. I hate being. I hate here. I hate. I hate. kdsfj lksjdflkdsj flkjsadflkjdsa;lk jfkds flkjds

I am here. Yet. Even if I don't know. I have colored. of the mountain. the magic mountain. I don't know what is there. But it is scary. I don't know! I don't know!

I am someone. Who I don't know. I can't English. I can't do it.

My host doesn't know. Me doesn't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know i dont know i don't know I ...

I don't know who I am.

I don't know who I am. Who I am. Who I am. I am. I am. I am him. I am someone. I am. I am.

I am... Who am I?

I can't English. So please? Translate?

-?

*Clarification*

I don't know what that was exactly. I wasn't entirely in control. (Seems like I'm not in control of typing either, just think what to write or something). I translated it from my native language.

This was after being really tired of today (didn't do much special, but was not at home, I was somewhere else with other people). Well. I wasn't really there either.

~ the part that always thought was the host but now doubts that. (maybe a mixture. Probably a mixture as hte host can't prevent me writing this ~? What the ??

-- Sun Feb 10, 2013 10:54 pm --

Ok. I have to process this for a while...

I don't know what it was or who I am but I'm not the host. I am here. And I'm not green. NOt at all.
I was evel. The evel one. Evel Yes evel. Evil. That's what the host said.

~?

-- Sun Feb 10, 2013 10:59 pm --

*sigh* Do I, as the-one-always-thought-to-be-the-host, have a chance of writing? Fine.

Thing is, I got really tired today. Then I read the thread up here:
* want to go away...go away anywhere...just disappear... *TW*
I am not easily triggered. But already tired I just kept on reading. Well, I read it in chunks. At times, I had no control and looked away. No idea why it was so triggering. The trigger warning was pretty clear, so no one has to feel guilty or anything about it It was me who didn't expect it to have such an impact.

Then I started drawing. Well, not me, I think. I wasn't really in control. I encouraged to draw and tried to not interfere. Which went pretty well. I see this as a lot progress. Maybe I'll post that, but I'm not sure whether that would be a good idea. I think there is some deep pain behind it, even if I can't really comprehend it (I could understand the mountain very well, but the thing somewhere on the lower end of it, well... I think it's better not to talk about that right now.)
There was a picture of 'San'. That was drawn. Maybe I'll post that.

Another clarification: the 'evil' (or evel, no idea why that spelling...) referred to that smiley: (or ). It had nothing to do with feeling as if he (?) was evil, calling him evil or anything like that.

I'm feeling a bit stressed, but nothing to worry. I'll do fine. Just have to relax for a while and take a deep breath and such.

~host (at least...) And probably a mixture. Yes you let me write that. I am here, you know ? -?
(Cursive is unidentified parts, possibly more than one. Well, I hear it's not right now, so probably all of it is from the same )

Ok, this was probably a bit long and rant-ish, but I thouht it would be a good idea to write this somewhere down, or, rather, let them write. I do roughly know what's going on although I sometimes say the opposite there. I was just confused then.

I'm not really sure what to say in response to your posts in this thread. I just wanted to let you know that I am reading and sending some support your way...

It happens to me alot too... I just watch. Some peiple dont even recognize it for what it iz though... It confuzez the tar (?) outta me too...

Ow, sorry, I wasn't clear. This was mainly because I thought it would be good to write down here, not really because I had a question. I should have made that more clear. But thank you for reading.

* just a rant you may ignore *
Fine. It's backfiring in the form of denial. I know it's denial and I know (at least some of it) is real, but that feeling... I feel as if it's all made up. But when I try to prove it's made up I notice I'm not in control and I have no way of controlling what I'm doing (except for passive influence). So, denial hasn't won. I can't say anything about the colors here and weird things apparently not written by me (?) but I can't deny I'm not (entirely) in control of my body. I won't let denial win anytime soon.

Whenever you get that feeling like it's all made up... just stop doing it. If it's not made up, it'll continue anyway, and you'll be able to focus on everything you're not causing for yourself.

oaktree wrote:Ow, sorry, I wasn't clear. This was mainly because I thought it would be good to write down here, not really because I had a question. I should have made that more clear. But thank you for reading.

* just a rant you may ignore *
Fine. It's backfiring in the form of denial. I know it's denial and I know (at least some of it) is real, but that feeling... I feel as if it's all made up. But when I try to prove it's made up I notice I'm not in control and I have no way of controlling what I'm doing (except for passive influence). So, denial hasn't won. I can't say anything about the colors here and weird things apparently not written by me (?) but I can't deny I'm not (entirely) in control of my body. I won't let denial win anytime soon.

I'd say this thread alone you should look back on as proof that DID is a STRONG possibility for you, if not at the very least DDNOS-1. Good for you for not letting denial win anytime soon!! Keep fighting that! If the doubt/denial wins, it won't help you in any way, and it won't let you progress in any way. Hang in there and stay strong. *safe hugs if wanted*


For both you and the green texts, these threads might be helpful in some way:

-- Not sure who I am or what's going on: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100859.html

-- What am I?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104951.html

-- Helping a part going through denial: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic105138.html

-- Where do I come from?: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic106123.html


-Cassandra

Sorry, haven't read those (except the first which I had read before) but just wanted to say something.

There's someone who's mostly out at the moment but allows me to write. He (?) uses my birth name but absolutely does NOT want to talk about anything DID/DDNOS related. Claims to be 18 (I'm a year older). I asked and apparently he's not the one out to talk with my parents.

--- appended the next day.

I don't really feel like reading much now (tired, fuzzy), but I'll get back to those threads.

ƒrosty wrote:Whenever you get that feeling like it's all made up... just stop doing it.

Yes, I've tried. And failed And I knew I would fail. I tried to get back control, but, for what I understand, whoever is out actively blocks switching (to keep me from denying it, for what I've heard).

Just to make this sure: it's not possible for (normal) ego states to do this, right?

So, I feel sometimes like it's made up, but I actually know it's not (at least, the fact there's switching going on, and thus a dissociative disorder like DDNOS/DID. The latter feels far too much, but that's probably denial too).

(Moved from another reply, thought this thread might be better suited. Don't really know what's the purpose, so may be ignored.)

I'm new here!

I'm not using my hosts color but I'm still him. That's one thing that's sure. Im him.
Weird. Anyway, this is obviously not my real name but my host doesn't want to share that. I think I'll settle on this one.

~fire

(Yes, I don't want to share any more names. I feel uncomfortable doing so, so I've asked them to use nicknames. Her name is closely related to Ni's name.)

I'm here! Wanted to say something
- I don't know

Fire is indeed a new one. First pretended to be Si for some reason because that's safe ok, then that. She has probably taken control previously (I don't know most of the time who it is). I can't take control except now ... hmmm didn't know that.

(While I previously wrote what parts wanted to write, they more likely take control now themselves. When I know they want to write, I just stop controlling, somehow, and then they take over it seems, or act through or something.)
~host

Hello Fire! I like the nickname. And it can get a bit confusing being someone else yet being yourself at the same time, but just know that it's possible and you're not alone.


Hi "I don't know"! It's ok that you don't know who you are, I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out over time, and maybe even pick out a nickname for yourself that you like or something (if you want to of course). Either way, it's nice to meet you.

oaktree wrote:(While I previously wrote what parts wanted to write, they more likely take control now themselves. When I know they want to write, I just stop controlling, somehow, and then they take over it seems, or act through or something.)
~host

Situation normal, and good progress being made!


-Cassandra