Helping a part going through denial?

Okay, so we've all been there I guess..

Nin isn't in denial about having DID - just "a few" of the alters.

Yesterday I got through to her that, yes, while both me and Piz are blonde inside (and even though Piz prefers brown hair now but still has blonde hair inside), we are not the same person How this logic came about I am not sure because there's plenty of blondies in here. But anyways..

Now it's 21 who are "accepted" as alters:
r, aurora, frankie, emma, anastasia, frida, anya, m, isalin, polar bear, l, eliesa, jacob, cassie, lianne, leo, cornelia, piz, no name, aicha, nin

2 are "maybe accepted" as an alter: key & hay lin

the rest (about 5 I think) are indeed not.

So how we do help her? I know she's just overwhelmed and time will help, and I don't mean like how do we help her realize we are real, I'm meaning more how do we help her so she isn't so overwhelmed and has to use denial to cope?

I don't think you can prevent the denial, necessarily. I think denial is a natural response, and all part of the process of coming to terms with something huge in your life. We all experience denial about different aspects of DID: for some it's whether we have it or not, for others it's what could have caused it, and for others it's the number of alters or how they present themselves, etc., etc. I don't know if it's possible for you to 'slow down' how quickly alters are presenting themselves, but even if you did, Nin would likely still experience denial for a time. It's just the way the mind works. The way I've come to think of it is: denial is a sign of authenticity. I would be mighty suspicious if I just accepted that I have DID/alters/all this stuff, just like that, after a lifetime of not knowing about it. That would feel fake, I think. No-one could be expected to just go 'Oh, OK' about all this and keep going. It takes time, and denial is what happens during that time. I know it hurts those inside to be denied and doubted, after all, you know you exist But from her point of view, she can't yet be certain of that. She'll get there, just be persistent

Thanks

Yeah I know it's natural and like I said, I don't really ind the denial and all of that - I was just wondering what's good to do to help her when she's like that.. I mean, whether or not she believes me to be real can be upsetting sure, but I get over it pretty easily. What I'd like to do though is something to help her. Like today I tidied a bit in the apartment for her so she didn't have to do those things on top of the overwhelm already. Any good ideas for stuff I/we can do to help her just in general so that she doesn't get so overwhelmed (which in turn starts up the denial, of course)?

I like what you wrote about denial It's hard not to take it personally sometimes but when the reasons she gives for my so-called non-existance are as lame as they were this time I really can't be bothered being upset hihi

You're nice I've heard the others talk about you many times hihi

That's really nice of you to tidy for her, I bet she appreciated that Sometimes it helps me if other parts can make me laugh! Gemma is very funny, and sometimes, even if I'm doubting she's there, she can say or do something that makes me laugh and feel better. And Abi can get that giggly, little girly feeling that just makes me want to giggle all day. That helps. It both makes me feel better, and convinces me they're really there are the same time. Two birds with one stone, kind of thing, but I appreciate it's not always possible, especially if no-one's feeling particularly like laughing. I hope Nin feels better soon.

No one's really sad or anything like that so I'm going to try that hihi Thank you I'm not the most humorous but emma is way funny and so is Frankie so I'll talk to them about cheering her up a bit One for all, all for one, right? Hihi

It's hard to "help" denial. It's really something that you just have to keep at bay to make sure it doesn't swallow you (or anyone else) up, but otherwise, you kinda just have to let it run it's course.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply listen. Don't try to advise, don't try to really help, don't really try to cheer them up. Sometimes, all someone wants is to be heard, and know that they're being heard and understood, and that's it. Venting isn't like complaining. Complaints look to be solved and usually have an answer. Venting doesn't look to be solved, only heard, and usually there is no answer, or at least, not a clear one.

Another thing to do would be to focus on that part/alter and what they DO know, what they DO like, what THEY want to do. Throw out anything that doesn't need to be done, throw out any focus on reality or the system or DID, and just focus on THEM and what THEY want/like/know. If they don't know much about themselves, you can either focus on helping them discover more about themselves, or you can focus on what they do know. Like with Kyra, it's helpful to her to focus on video games and play them a lot when she's out, because it's something she likes, it's something she knows (we have the old super mario video games and a super nintendo), and it helps her to not focus on how confusing, different, weird, or unreal everything can be/seem to her. Video games allow her to enjoy her time out, and they're a great thing to fall back on if she doesn't feel up to exploring new interests or stuff like that.

It's hard enough just for the host to accept DID. Imagine how hard it can be as an alter, especially if they didn't front much, or never heard any voices, or had never been in the "inner world", or stuff like that. All of a sudden one day you've got people tell you that the voices in your head that you're suddenly hearing are alters and that you have DID and that you went through trauma. That's a lot to accept! I mean, look at how much hosts struggle with doubt/denial, and they usually have the most proof/experiences to support it being true!


Accepting the truth can be like...trying a new vegetable. You know it's good for you, but you're not sure how it'll taste, and you might not find how it looks that appealing. So you stall, waiting in uncertainty as your mind wonders how it'll taste, what it'll be like, if you'll like it, etc. You know you'll have to eat it eventually, and that it'll be good for you no matter how it tastes, but you're going to question it until you muster up the guts to take that first bite.


We hope that these parts/alters feel better soon. Best of luck with this situation.


-A mixture of us(?)

I'd let her vent here but I'm just nervous about people kinda just blowing her off, you know? I don't usually get very protective hihi, but it does happen sometimes I know she has her girlfriend though hihi so they do talk about it and stuff But with her not being out much anymore it doesn't happen as often. But we'll see hihi

I think focusing on her a bit might be a good idea hihi She gets kinda depersonalized (what if I'm not me? What if I'm just some new alter and I don't even know it? What if I don't exist at all? kinda thing) every time she gets overwhelmed by the number of us. I get that though hihi, we're like almost 30 people or something that we know about now hihi and that's just a lot to take in when you're not used to the idea of it

Thanks

lifelongthing wrote:I'd let her vent here but I'm just nervous about people kinda just blowing her off, you know? I don't usually get very protective hihi, but it does happen sometimes I know she has her girlfriend though hihi so they do talk about it and stuff But with her not being out much anymore it doesn't happen as often. But we'll see hihi

She doesn't have to vent here. She could vent to you, to others in the system, to the SO like she already does, to a journal of her own, anything like that. Or, if she wished to vent on the computer but not here, you could always send messages to yourself (we found out that it does work). That way, she can still vent, and maybe even to others in the system, without it being posted for other users to see and such.

Another thing you could do if you felt comfortable allowing her to vent on here is make a thread with the proper warnings and make it entirely clear that this is venting only. You could even ask for no replies if you wanted. This place is free for all of you to do what YOU want. (And I know that not only would none of us blow her off, but some of us would certainly understand her. Especially Kyra).

lifelongthing wrote:I think focusing on her a bit might be a good idea hihi She gets kinda depersonalized (what if I'm not me? What if I'm just some new alter and I don't even know it? What if I don't exist at all? kinda thing) every time she gets overwhelmed by the number of us. I get that though hihi, we're like almost 30 people or something that we know about now hihi and that's just a lot to take in when you're not used to the idea of it

Thanks

You're welcome!

This has been happening to us lately as well, even for those who have been used to the idea for a while! It's a lot to take in any of this, much less when there's a lot of changes and such happening. It's easy to be overwhelmed. That's when you just gotta take a step back, take a breather, and say "Nope, not focusing on this today, focusing only on me and what I want to focus on".

One of us wants to ask a question, we hope that's ok. They're just curious... when you type "hihi", are you meaning it to be pronounced like "hi-hi", as in the hello "hi", or "hee-hee" except just spelled with i's..? (Hope that made sense). You don't have to answer if you don't wish to, of course.


-A mixture of us(?)

Sorry, it's a laugh as in hihi/hehe/haha

Thanks for the replies

lifelongthing wrote:Sorry, it's a laugh as in hihi/hehe/haha

Thanks for the replies

It's ok, no need to be sorry. That's why that someone wanted to ask. I guess half of us were reading it as "hi-hi" and half of us were reading it as you meant it, as a laugh. So they were curious as to which one you meant it as, is all.


-A mixture of us(?)