What makes me the host? (mini-breakdown)

So, I learned in another thread that I'm not the "core" person. I know there's another thread on this but I HAVE to get this out. Also, this probably won't make a lot of sense because since learning I'm a part or alter myself I haven't slept. And my brain gets weird when I haven't slept.

I know I'm the host, I always assumed that meant I was the most complete person in my system. I'm the balanced one. But to learn I'm an actual alter myself. I can't take that. I haven't slept, I keep crying, I keep questioning every thing I do. I'm really new to all of this and and to learn that news so soon just...it devestates me. I told my husband, probably a bad mistake but I tell him everything, and he keeps telling me it's not true. I'm not an alter. I believe everything he says, but I kinda know I can't on this.

So what exactly makes ME the host? Because I'm not stable, some of the things I've been told Nadia would be far more capable of dealing with. I'm Bipolar on top of things, I take everything as a personal comment. What makes me so special to be the host? I don't understand it.

*trigger warning*
And why do I have to be the one to hear from my grandmum that my adoptive parents tried to starve me to death, only to find out Jessica won't eat because her "first mommy" said she couldn't (so my husband had to talk her into even trying popcorn last night) and then my new child alter Barbara apparently gorges herself on food (proof last night when I ended up throwing up but couldn't understand how I had eaten that much, throwing up my Bipolar meds too so I'm even more overly emotional today). Why do I have to be the host and the main alter out who has to deal with that stuff?

Why do I have to be the one to get tipsy today in an attempt to get myself to sleep only to have voices overwhelm me? Why do I have to hear Rachelle describe her last sexual encounter with a girl, a scenerio that as a bisexual who has only been with men wanted for myself? Why do I feel all the other alters are stealing my dream memories that have never happened to me?

I can't take this. I DON'T WANT DID. I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ALTER. I don't want to be the host, who has to deal with all of this. I can't do it.

...Okay. I think I got everything out. I HAD to. No one else understands.

I remember going through this myself. Being a part/alter does not mean that you are somehow less of a person. All the parts in your system are parts. You just happen to be the one who's job it is to actually live life. And that's a really tough job sometimes.

All of the parts in your system make up one person. Your part of that system, so you are as much 'real' as everyone else in your system.

You are uniquely suited to do the job of host in your system. I know you feel like you can't handle it but you can. Being bipolar doesn't help at all, I know from experience, but your a survivor above all else and that's exactly what you'll do.

I'm sorry to hear about all the trouble your going through. A lot of us here I'm sure have been through the eating issues with our alters.

Being host has its benefits. Things will settle down in your system soon. Your just now becoming aware, and that is a turbulent process. There's no way around that, but it gets easier.

It sounds like you need to ask everyone to give you a night to rest. Promise them that you'll help them with what ever it is they want to talk about, but first you have to take care of yourself.

I really hope you can get some rest soon, I know that will make things a lot easier. Best of luck.
-Geoff

I understand!
Meet Omnicell; he is the second host.. Not the original. The original was destroyed between 1 and 4..
I ( the second main host) was cocooned in the central brain by my protective alter that runs the system. I was protected to take over as host as soon as the trauma events of 1 to 3 subsided.

The protector alter brings the host out that is needed. The soldier alter was present when I was much younger. He held the outside world together as another host was destroyed at a younger age and withdrew back into the system. I am the protected host..

Its normal to hear voices at times...

Have you tried writing to your alters and working with them.

First of all, calm down and re-center yourself so that you can actually work on this issue with calm, clear, logical thinking.

Secondly, read this thread: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101763.html
It talks about the whole "core" idea, and how there probably isn't really an "original", but there is the possibility for one to exist.
(In a nutshell, DID is caused by interruption of proper personality development as well as trauma. What makes up our personality are bunches of neurons, and as a personality properly develops, those neurons go through structuring and adjustment processes to create one whole personality. If those process are interrupted, then the neurons stays separate, an un-finished structure, and from those separate neurons, the different parts/sides of the personality (aka alters) are created and developed. Thus, there would be no core, because there never would have been a whole personality/person to begin with, since the developmental processes for a whole personality/person were interrupted. I hope that made sense. Read the thread, I think it'll help you. You might have to read it a couple times for it to really make sense, though).

Thirdly, you know what makes a host the host? In my experience, I've found it's because they're the best ones for the job. Just like why a protector is a protector- they're the best ones for the job. You fit the role of host best. You're best equipped to handle everyday life and you're the most balanced of everyone else. Balance works both ways, not just for "bad" stuff, you know. Like Cassandra used to think that Rain would be a better host because of how mature, calm, logical, professional, organized, etc. she is. But she's not very emotional, she's a little too proper, she's very motherly (thus would feel restless without having to care for someone like a younger alter), and she doesn't "fit" very well in every aspect of our life. Cassandra fits the best for all aspects. That's what the host does. They fit the best for all aspects of the life. They don't fit mainly into one aspect or another, they're well-rounded. Think of other alters as squares, and the host is a circle. Squares are pointy and don't roll well, and really only fit where they have a specific spot. Circles are round, they roll just fine, and they can fit in a lot of places. Hosts are the circles of their system, the other alters are the squares.

Fourthly, I know it can be tough because it's change, and any change can be difficult to adjust to and accept. But when you get down to it, who cares if you're an alter? You still exist. You still have DID. You're still a part of a system/team. You're still a piece of the puzzle. NOTHING CHANGES except for the knowledge that you are able to call yourself an alter, and that doesn't really affect anything (in the big picture of things).
But here's a thread that might help you with that. It's when Cassandra was having a hard time, back when they still believed there was an "original/original core" (now, with learning new information, they're not so sure about that theory, but it still might be helpful to you). She was having a hard time just like you, so I'm sure you'll at least identify with how she felt. Hope it's helpful to you: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic74667.html


Lastly, be sure to take some "you" time. Be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself. Take a nap, listen to relaxing music, watch a favorite movie, eat some favorite/comfort food, take a nice bath, meditate, etc. Whatever helps relax and make you feel better, do it. "Mother" yourself a bit. It's ok to and it might help.

~The Hawk

I lied, one last thing.

You know, the host is who all of us inside are trying to help. Often to insiders, the host is the lucky one. Think about it. Hosts (usually) get the most time "out" because they're the ones dealing with everyday life, so the host is usually the one who get most of a life. There are rules set up when the host is in a relationship, there are rules set up to accommodate the host, everything inside is done in an attempt to help and/or accommodate the host. To most insiders, I wouldn't be surprised if they felt like their whole world had to revolve around the host, and I wouldn't be surprised if they felt that was unfair.

Yes, alters affect your life. That happens at times. But if it weren't for alters, EVERYTHING you have not correctly processed would affect you, all the time, every single day. Everything your alters took for you, protected you from, have coped with for you, all of that would be your's, all the time, and the fact that you have alters says you weren't and probably still aren't ready for that yet.
Not only that, but you ARE ALL THE SAME PERSON. You're just all parts of the same person. It's not like they're strangers taking over your body and trying to ruin your life on purpose. They're a part of you, you're a part of them, you're all parts of the same person and you're all trying to do survive/live the best you know how.

It can suck to be the host. But it's not all sunshine and daises on the inside, either. Remember that. It can suck to be an inside alter just as much as it can such to be the host.

The better question to ask would be "Why did we as a whole have to be exposed to situations that caused the development of DID?" But no one has the answer to that question, because no one knows why they get bestowed with the life/experiences they have.
Well, that's a bit of a lie. A bit of one, not a full lie. Because I have a theory of why we, ourselves, have been through what we've experienced. And that theory is that we have been through that much to learn and grow from those experiences, and have the ability to help, guide, support, advise, and give strength to others. Everything that has happened in our life has been able to, in some way, be helpful to others. So to me, that's a gift. Because of my life, I have the ability to help others in ways that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise; I have wisdom and advice that I wouldn't have had otherwise.(And in helping others, we often help ourselves).
Kinda makes me feel like Batman or something when I think about it. Experience tragedy at a young age, and grow up to be a hero, helping people. That's how I look at DID and the "why me" question.

~The Hawk

This is a great place to vent.

And why do I have to be the one to hear from my grandmum that my adoptive parents tried to starve me to death, only to find out Jessica won't eat because her "first mommy" said she couldn't (so my husband had to talk her into even trying popcorn last night) and then my new child alter Barbara apparently gorges herself on food (proof last night when I ended up throwing up but couldn't understand how I had eaten that much, throwing up my Bipolar meds too so I'm even more overly emotional today). Why do I have to be the host and the main alter out who has to deal with that stuff?

I'm so sorry you've gone through this.

I can't take this. I DON'T WANT DID. I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ALTER. I don't want to be the host, who has to deal with all of this. I can't do it.

This is a totally normal response and honestly, our host feels like this from time to time too. It's really hard. You can read about what we've said about this here.

Again, I'm very sorry you're going through this. It really is so hard. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for writing 'the hawk' as I agree with what you said and this helps me process stuff too and learn more. Now the initial shock is wearing off a little bit for me as host, or a host, I'm enjoying watching the way my system works and is currently in harmony together. I've found more peace working and being along side 'the others' now, but it was a shock at first to know I wasn't 'on my own' anymore.

Best wishes 'wrong lesson' I feel for you, hope these posts can help when you read them,

HI wronglesson,
I hope it wasnt the thread I started recenlty..but I feel for you and am having trouble with my being an alter like th e rest too. IT baffles me and I am trying to work on it. I have had DX of DID for about ten years an d in ful l blown therapy since, and it was recently on a phone call with mY T that i was told I was an alter. I dont think he mean t to do it that way, I honestly think He thought I knew and was reminding me.
I Do not eat ever ever. Food was used to mistreat me and screw with the head as a child. A part binges. Some eat okay. The littles are all about super sugary junk food..so we limit them. Food is poisen.So when that part binges ,she knows myself andothers will feel sick.We will focus on that as opposed to scary stuff. I can almost always tell if a part ate, I feel ill and heavy all consuming guilt..my clue that it happend. I dont think we have ever purged, But I am sometiems able to not let anyone eat for days at a time to balance things out. I do hoard food...jsu t cause I can. I never eat it and I give it to my inside & outside world family at some point and then re purshase a bunch and stash it...jsut cause I can.
You are th e host for a reason. I guess i still see it as an advantage like some have said in these posts to you. I know the alters suffer too,many of them. Most probably. I do beleive I am one of the main alters as I believe there are a small handful of us that actually are able to be very helpful in trying to run this place and make rules and accomodations where we dwell.
You dont have to overhwelm yourslef or get stuck on this issue or any DID junk. BUT, that is easier said than done huh? Do soemthing nice for yourself. Let yourslef know you ARE important, all of you is.

Thank you all for the replies and I'll definitely read all the links you posted.

I ended up throwing a temper tantrum (only way to describe it) in my head shortly after writing that venting thread. Since then I've had very little switches and the voices in my head had eased up. A couple of hours ago I started having switches again so I guess my alters decided I had a break and they needed their time again.

I'm still not happy about this. I understand more from your replies why I'm the host and that I'll have to get through this, but I am NOT happy. But at the same time, to be honest, I went through something like this when I accepted I was Bipolar. It took me eight years, and then I spent a week breaking down over it, before bam! I suddenly was okay with it. It's happening faster with the DID, I think cause I don't have the benefit of medication to "control" what's happening.

It's just oh so tiring. Which I know all of you understand. I'm so exhausted I can barely do my house chores, and despite I still end up having difficulty sleeping.

MY therapist told me to think of it as a gift. At the moment I can't even begin to do thaat, but I think I will eventually. But right now all I can this is gift? How is going through serious abuse as a child, causing DID, any kind of gift? I need to stop thinking that, but it's difficult.

Thank you all for listening to me.

This is how DID can be a gift:
I have a theory of why we, ourselves, have been through what we've experienced. And that theory is that we have been through that much to learn and grow from those experiences, and have the ability to help, guide, support, advise, and give strength to others. Everything that has happened in our life has been able to, in some way, be helpful to others. So to me, that's a gift. Because of my life, I have the ability to help others in ways that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise; I have wisdom and advice that I wouldn't have had otherwise.(And in helping others, we often help ourselves).
Kinda makes me feel like Batman or something when I think about it. Experience tragedy at a young age, and grow up to be a hero, helping people. That's how I look at DID and the "why me" question.

~The Hawk