Problems regarding relationships with women

correction....he never hears me because he soaks in ANGER!

You know I always talk through two voices: anger and empathy.

I don't want to speak through anger any more. I usually end up with empathy, but I refuse to be beaten up for trying to be empathic towards him. He doesn't want empathy from me, he doesn't want honesty from me...I don't know what he wants.

So...this is it (as Michael Jackson drew his last breath)...I refuse to leave his memory with anger. I really only have empathy towards him, and however his life turns out, I hope he gets the courage to find whatever he actually wants from it. Peace.

sweetcheeks wrote:...I've totally focused on helping him move towards (what he silently makes me believe he wants)...now that I've wished him well, this chapter in my life is now closed. If ever he wants to open it, he knows where I am.

O.K here we go again.

I am sure you must have heard that you cannot change a man. Neither can you change a woman. I guess the point is that you just cannot change a person.
First, your opinion that he wants you is totally based on false assumptions, there is nothing really that says that he actually does.
Secondly, if the guy wants you, he will just go after you, you don't have to get yourself to him. You cannot help him get what he wants.
And finally, you seem as if you were choosing what the guy wants instead of letting him chose. You go like "a relationship with me would be what makes you happiest", "we are meant to be together". I mean, that would definitely cut it for me. And there is nothing really that makes your statements true. You are basing them on the fact that you love the guy, that does not mean that he would be the happiest with you. It is similar to the story of me with the girl that chases me; she loves me probably more than my own mother and she thinks that she would make me the happiest but I don't want her at all, I would feel loved for sure but I won't be happy with her. You could think "how could you say that if you have never actually given her a chance?" the answer is I do not want to know and I do not care. I feel that if I start a relationship with her, my love life will reach the end and I do not want it to end that way. Now you are going "HA! FEAR! I am going to lecture you on fear once more", don't, there is nothing you could say or do to make me give her a chance. Neither can you do it for X.

About opening and closing the chapters of your life.

I am sure you have hear what people say about jumping in a relationship with both feet? Could you try jumping out?
If you chose to close the chapter, close it for good. I am sure he moves you emotionally but you must force yourself to not fall into "his game" again. You must convince yourself that once you closed it there is no going back. If he calls you, he is nothing but a friend. If he says he loves you, "it is too late now". If he wants you he would move the world around to get you back once he realizes that he has lost you, then you would have your answers and the decision to go back to him. Of course you cannot achieve this by just saying you are out, as the good liar that I am, you need to believe your own lie for others to believe it as well. If he does not care as I suspect, that would be the end of the story and both of you win.

The fact is that if he decides to open the chapter again and you will just jump on him again, it would just follow the same course that it always have. Close it and keep it locked until he finds a grenade to blow the lock open. Then you chose whether to open the chapter, not him. BTW, a grenade is not a call saying I love you, a grenade is actually going to your home personally with a nice flower arrangement. Now you are thinking "that is never going to happen," then close it for good and forget about miracles.

Oh I want to say that even tho everyone is different, we are all very similar when it comes down to taking action, are least men are. I am sure I think of a thousand different things when I am about to do something than my friends do but at the end we end up doing the same thing. For example, I am with a friend and I see a girl coming down the street
- my friend is thinking "damn I'll take her to the motel around the corner and bang her til the morning"
- while I am thinking "I'll take her to dinner and take her to my apartment"
At the end we both look away when she makes eye contact. Ya we have different thought process but the same reaction.

Perhaps X thinks differently compared to me but at the end we end up doing the same things.

Are you sure you're only 18? You're MILES in front of your years. Lol.

Emotions are very difficult to let go of, particularly when they are constantly activated. Don't forget, that here I'm expressing both anger and love in order to set me free. I happen to know all the techniques related to positive psychology and let me tell you...writing is THE best form of releasing pain. Being a teacher, I used to teach adult students how to become English teachers. One of the topics we talked about was different learning styles and how people learn. Part of that topic was talking about emotions in learning, which makes up the top 3 categories of adult learning principles. Interestingly, just about all the girls got it, the guys didn't: not one of them. We were talking about dealing with things we don't get in the classroom. For example, how often do you see classmates 'talking' to the person next door, or with their friends after the lesson about things that weren't clear? Usually always. It's through the process of talking that clarity occurs. It isn't the words you use, but the 'transaction' that aides the process of emotional cleansing. For students, not knowing something causes anxiety, albeit to a lesser or greater degree. The idea of talking it through reduces or removes that anxiety. Once the anxiety removes itself, then you have space for happy feelings. When you possess happy feelings, you're gearing towards understanding, because you look at information with emotional freedom. Hope this makes sense. AND so...the same applies in our personal lives. Funnily enough...I asked every class who talks about their upsets and problems with friends. The girls ALWAYS said they did, thus learning things and removing the emotional debris. The guys however, DIDN'T. Not one believe it or not. It was such an eye opener. So, it's no wonder that so many men turn into angry old men, and trust me, many do...it's because they've avoided cleansing years of emotional debris. They choose to 'hang on to' anxiety.

You know, talking and expressing feelings doesn't always mean you want an answer...most of the time, it's about removing sadness, anxiety and all things negative. It's about removing the debris. You can't fill your head and heart with love if it's packed with sadness. There's NO ROOM for love. That's what I'm doing in all these threads (well, a lot of them). I'm perfectly aware that X doesn't want me. In fact I knew that the moment he told me he was too busy (20+ years ago). I don't know why he keeps baiting me, and he does (100% sure of it). Don't forget, this is what baiting does...it seeks to protect the 'baitor' and makes the 'baitee' look like a 'quack'.

Close it and keep it locked until he finds a grenade to blow the lock open. Then you chose whether to open the chapter, not him. BTW, a grenade is not a call saying I love you, a grenade is actually going to your home personally with a nice flower arrangement. Now you are thinking "that is never going to happen," then close it for good and forget about miracles.

This is so true and THIS is why I ignored him when he stood right next to me on the street in 2001. He wanted ME to be the one to say "Hi X, blah blah blah". And you know what? I didn't because he STILL expected me to do ALL the work. He had left me with so many negative messages only a few years before that, and still expected me to JUMP to his expectations. All he was doing was showing up, giving ME an opportunity, rather than taking one himself. I've been very stupid...I've been feeding his ego thinking he's weak, but at the end of the day...all I've done is give him the impression I'm cheap, and not worthy of respect. You're 100% right m.q...it isn't up to me to assume anything. The reasons why he can't come near me don't really matter...it is up to him totally. My problem is being a mother. I've raised 2 successful boys, always doing things for them etc. I'm a giver by nature, I enjoy spoiling the people I love. I'm treating him like a disabled individual. OMG...the penny has just dropped. THAT'S IT. That's probably why he is angry: he probably feels like a disabled male and that's the last thing he'd want. He really IS angry with himself. (Don't worry...I'm not looking for another excuse).

The last episode of the happiness show was on last night. I'll post the link when it's up on the website.

You've been a wonderful ear e.q...you're an old soul for sure.

Men do not talk about their feelings because in our mind, talking about an issue implies that there is something that needs to be fixed. That is one of the reasons why I some times tell you what to do when what you are really trying to do is tell your story for me to hear it and be empathetic. I sometimes catch myself and stop but it is just our nature, I can't help it. So I guess it is not that we are afraid or that we are not in contact with our feelings or "hanging to anxiety" but rather that we do not need help dealing with it. I am not saying that women need help but that you talk about your feelings as a form of relief rather than seeking help. Of course it is a very good therapy but talking about issues for men just means that we need solutions.

I do not understand what "baiting" is for you because ignoring you certainly isn't in my opinion. One of the most important things that I live my life by is doing instead of saying because words do not mean anything, actions do. This said, unless X has done anything physically like writing a message in your front door with charcoal or getting on TV saying your name or any action other that "I think he checks my calls", everything could be disqualified as baiting. It seems a lot like "I am desperate for a signal of hope" on your part.

I don't really get what you mean about him being angry with himself. I am trying to imagine what it would be to be angry towards myself but that seems very unrealistic. The only reason why I think this could happen is by me doing something I deeply regret and I would probably just put it behind me and move on. By what you have said, X would be like "it is her fault" and wouldn't even give it much thought so it is very hard to believe for me that he is angry with himself. There is no reason for him to be angry with himself.

About treating him as a disabled individual, this could be an issue if you literally get paper towels to clean his face and you wipe his ass in the bathroom. I myself love to be treated as a little kid and I do not see why this would be an issue for any man unless it is just out of control.

...talking about an issue implies that there is something that needs to be fixed.

Therein lies 'The Problem'. A lot of people think that they are perfect and don't have problems, when actually - some do. That's why there is often a disconnect between men and women. Men think that they're perfect, when often, they don't recognise their own emotional needs, much less their partner's. That's why SO MMANY relationships fail, because one or both parties think they are emotionally 'well rounded, knowledgable, experienced, perfect' individuals. This is of course, a ridiculous thought, but a practiced one.

You're a clever kid, but you haven't experienced enough life yet to fully grasp the notion of being angry at oneself. I've been angry with myself a few times, but you need some hard knocks to appreciate what this means. You seem to be a 'go getter'...so you probably haven't made too many mistakes, and by this I mean REAL life mistakes. There are HEAPS of people who get angry with themselves, but those whose heads are buried in the sand of self pity, or delusional perfection won't see that they've made a mistake. My ex husband is one of them. He had NO self awareness. He thought he was perfect, or, too weak to confront his inner fears.

The girlfriend I referred to in an earlier post, is another one whose head is buried in the sand. She thinks she is perfect, or rather...more accurately, she thinks she'll find a man who will love her SO much that he won't see her imperfections, thus bending over backwards, jumping off highest mountains and swimming the longest rip tides to be with her. She has actually said this. It's all #######4 though, because at the end of the day, everyone wants some level of strength in their partners, otherwise they'll be living a life of martyrdom and unfulfilling comas.

As for the baiting, lol...you'd find this a hard concept m.q because you don't need to bait anyone. You're a 'go getter' so the fear concept is probably a foreign one to you. I actually did meet a guy a few years back who tried to bait me too. However, didn't even remotely work because I wasn't that into him. So, the notion of taking bait from someone who doesn't really move me is a ridiculous concept. All he wanted me to do is chase him, and to be honest - this is a sign of unrealistic expectations based on low self worth. I don't have low self worth, so I won't be carrying someone else's load. Everyone has a responsibility to carry their OWN load.

Let's get back to your topic. I have real clarity about mine, and you know what? The more time I spend away from X the clearer the picture gets. I think I'm just sad about the fact that he made out he was interested, but not enough to want to be with me. I'm really sad about that but hey...sh** happens right? ....

O.K...so how are things with your girlfriend?

Ya I know what you mean about people not recognizing they have issues and it is very very true starting by my father but I won't go into that.

What I tried to say was more like the following:
- I know I have an issue with math, I know I need to study more, therefore I won't talk about my issue.
if I was a girl it would be like
- I know I have an issue with math, I know I need to study more, I need to tell everyone about it.
So if you see me you would be like; that guy thinks he is perfect and that he never makes mistakes!

But of course there are many people that do not recognize that they have problems. And I must say that men specially have this issue because for some reason we can never be wrong. I myself am the type of person who is never ever wrong and it would take me forever to acknowledge you if you are trying to prove me wrong. I am the type of person that would argue with you on an issue for 10 hours straight. But I will acknowledge you if you are right and I like to be proven wrong because it helps me understand concepts that I couldn't understand before.

And yes I guess I just cannot relate to that anger... my biggest regret so far is like "damn that girl was a whore, I should have used a condom" and that is potentially life changing but it was not such a big deal for me, nothing really happened other than a few months of mental unrest.

Btw, my girlfriend is sort of late on her period at this moment, she says it happens often and I have always used condoms with her so I am not that worried, I would be if she does not have it by next week. I am not sure if sex delays it, I do not know how it works but she did not want to have sex today, she did some oral on me before I left today and it was great, she keeps surprising me. How bad is it to finish on her mouth? I mean she seemed scared when it happened but then she laughed so I guess it was not that bad and she has joked about it a couple of times today. Any insights about it?

God you're funny....

Please, do talk about your dad. It always amuses me that everyone I talk to has a story about "their dad"!
I must've been lucky. My dad was really great. We fought all the time during my teens, but that was because he was way too protective of me. It used to piss me off no end, but as a human being - he was amazing. He actually was always right, incredibly smart yet very down to earth. His dad forced him to do medicine because his dad was a doctor, but of course, my dad didn't want to do that so switched to architecture then finally decided on engineering. He was a truly brilliant man and a great role model. One of my girl friends thinks that's my problem. I know I said I wouldn't bang on about X and I WON'T, but he IS the reason why I'm never interested in anyone I meet. My friend on the other hand thinks that I can't find anyone because I had such a wonderful role model. He was an incredibly 'mentally' strong individual, yet creative and funny, sometimes with a scarcastic sense of humour, which is where I get mine from However, my dad rarely tolerated fools...

O.K...I'm in the middle of finishing my unpacking and converting my garage into a studio. I'll be back a bit later to give my 2 bobs worth about your situation. Thanks for sharing Lol...that's the beauty about the net right? I'm sure you don't talk to your mother about these things eh?