Problems regarding relationships with women

Oh yes, we are both to blame, but you know what?

At the end of the day...if a guy can't look a girl in the eye and say hi, i think you're quite nice would you like to go and have a coffee? ...then what do you have? Easy answer....doubt, fear, questions, the what ifs. Sure anxiety is very real, but the only real way to overcome it is to feel it and do it anyway. So, you might trip - who cares? If the person you want judges you for tripping, then s/he isn't for you anyway.

BTW, you said I'm good at analysing and that this is what I'm focused on. The only reason I am is because X is feeding me abnormal behaviours. You only look at problems if they arise. Don't create them, and you won't focus on them. Fact is...focus on being you. The only reason people analyse is because the people with whom they interact gives them something to analyse. Here is an example... it's like this....you meet someone new. You think NOTHING of them other than just responding and interacting with them as they talk to you. However, whilst interacting, s/he tries to secretly steel your wallet out of your bag whilst talking to you. What do you do? You immediately think, hey...s/he isn't normal. What do you do? You STOP interacting and start JUDGING. So what seemingly seemed normal with NO need for analysis, suddenly becomes ANALYTICAL. This is a simple analogy, but it's the simple analogies that exemplify points.

So, the bottom line is...if you don't give someone something to analyze, they WON'T. Simple.

O.K got to run. Back later gator...

Oh god I didn't understand everything on the first post it was really hurtful lol

Anyways I do not see the relationship between weighting pros and cons and having a normal conversation, god my head hurts now that I read that lol

Ok, so I guess it all goes down to this. It doesn't matter whether it is a matter of control, fear, something pathological, or whatever could be wrong with it or whoever is to blame for it. The fact is that it happens and you have to deal with it.

If the guy doesn't smile at you it probably means he does not want a smile back. There is nothing to embellish about that, there is nothing to analyze, it is very simple.

You can't help it that I weight the pros and cons and I am talking about men in general, if I have to make a decision I need to be sure I am making the right one and I know not of another way other than weighting the pros and cons. I do not care if it creates complexity or whatever it creates, and there is no reason for it to create complexity in a relationship, it is just a reference to make a decision.

And ya if you can't go to a girl and ask her for a coffee you have doubt, fear, questions, and what ifs. And it is only natural but I really doubt that is the case. I don't think that at that point of your story he would be worried about whether you would deny him a coffee, you already knew each other right? He was clearly watching indifferently how you acted. Otherwise he would have asked you for a coffee. I mean I am younger, way more insecure with more doubts, fear, questions and what ifs and I would ask anyone I know for a coffee, even my ex if I find her at a mall, I will scream her name across the hall if I have to. It would be a different story for someone I do not know though.

Now, if I find the girl that has been chasing me and I do not want anything with her you can bet on me ignoring her, I would say hi if I just have no other choice but you can bet on me ignoring her at all costs, and don't even think about the coffee.

Oh and in case you are wondering about the baits, I have set a lot of baits for her after the topic came out in a conversation with her and under no circumstance have I actually taken her. You can convince yourself that no two situations are equal but as painful as it could be, he has never cared and he never will. Blame it on fear, blame it on whatever you want to blame it. But of course you already know this.

Anyways why do we keep arriving to the same conclusions over and over again?

You know the fact is that I love talking to you, mainly because you say I am smart and I guess I like that. And your story is really inspiring and sad. Also very interesting. I keep thinking of the girl chasing me and talking to you sort of gives me an insight into the hell she might be living. Lets just hope that your relationship with him is not even similar to my relationship with her because if it is you have probably wasted 20 years of your life and having bad moments about somebody that hasn't spent probably 1 year doing the same for you. Can you imagine talking to him now and that he goes like "heeeeeyyyy I think I know you! weren't you that girl that used to have a crush on me 20 years ago?" and then you would go like "ya.... 20 years ago..." That would actually be comical if you think about it but you will probably feel like throwing yourself out of a building or jumping in front of a speeding car.

It would be a different story for someone I do not know though.

BINGO...he knows me but he DOESN'T know me. That's the problem. There is all this EMOTIONAL stuff that's gone on, but on the face of it...nothing has gone on. AND so...herein lies the difficulty for him and for me. But you know what? It's only difficult if you think it is. I don't care about all the sh** in the past...it's so irrelevant now. The real problem is that both he and I are acting on emotions. He gets hurt, then he hurts me to let me know he's hurt. There is all this emotional sh** going on, both of us know it, but neither one can acknowledge it. God...I'm sitting here laughing as I write. Thank god I can see a mm of humour in all this tragedy. I tell you what else I think the problem is...you see, because he keeps ringing and hanging up on me (I've had it checked and confirmed so I know)...what he has established within me is a certain level of familiarity. I know this sounds pathetic, but on some level, I feel comfortable with him because of his calls. I'll tell you the pattern....he rings and hangs up, I send him a text. So, in essence, we both communicate with each other, but it's totally f***ed. But hey...nothing like an eccentric relationship right? ....I'm an artist and wanna be actress, so the pathological amusement, is actually pathetically normal for me (on some level). Lol.

I would NEVER text him if he didn't keep ringing. AND so, the pattern goes. What HE reacts to is my feeling comfortable by virtue of his calls. He is stuck between needing to keep ringing, BUT pretending that he doesn't call for fear that I'll judge him. It's a comedy of errors actually. So m.q...in a nutshell, your advice is WONDERFUL, but it's based on two normal human beings demonstrating normal behaviour. What we have here however, are two ABNORMAL sets of behaviour. That's why he and I are a great fit. We are as bad as each other. I'm just as abnormal as he is, but he doesn't see it, because he is TOO busy trying to look normal.

It'a all pathetic, I know! But somewhere within this bizarre behaviour, lies a comedy show.
As much as I love comedy, I want a love story now. Time to switch channels.
However, it's up to HIM to change channels. He keeps using the same remote control system based on never ready batteries. I wish he'd change to Do-acell batteries.

O.K....I'll be back tomorrow. Have to get ready to go out.

Ciao brother.

I'd love to send him a pack of Duracell batteries for Xmas, but I know he'll HIT THE ROOF. He HATES reflection.
I sure hope that one day he'll recognise his contributions to my behaviour. I'm a mirror for him and THAT's what he hates.

God I wish I could think of something to say but I am so tired I am about to faint... and you are about to go out... jesus! you sure don't need batteries lol

Gosh, I hope I didn't wear you out mentally. I was good at 'Truth tables' when I studied the module 'logic and arguments' during my undergraduate degree. You know what though? I think it's time to stop talking about X. At the end of the day, I can spend FOREVER talking and thinking about him and it never gets me anywhere. Yes, he is someone I've wanted for a long time: he led me to believe he was interested, but you know what? The only thing that I can honestly take notice of are his actions. We all know that 'actions speak louder than words'. I can speculate til the cows come home, but there is NO evidence that he wants me. All he is interested in is me chasing him. He is NOT a risk taker, nor is he driven enough towards me. Now that it's almost 2011, I'm going to be turning 50 in April, so I just can't afford to spend any more time hoping that he will get some courage. He needs drive to do that and he doesn't have any. You're right m.q...while ever he can see that I want him, he'll make NO effort whatsoever. He just isn't driven enough. To be honest, if a man thinks that the woman should do the chasing, which is exactly what he thinks, then I need to look elsewhere. Whether it's fear, anger or just lack of interest, all three lead to the same outcome. So, I'm wasting my time. I actually want a man who knows what he wants that can show me what he's made of.


O.K...on with my day. Hope yours will be a good one

God, I so have a real hard hard time understanding why you think that he wants you to chase him. Ok here is some good insight about men, I would only let a girl chase me if I do not care. It is not that he wants you to chase him, he is just letting you chase him because he does not care. I do not think he is afraid of going after you, he just does not care. I will bet my life on it, if a man wants you he will go after you no matter how scared or afraid he is. If he let you chase him then he just does not care. Don't blame it on fear, insecurity, anger or whatever you are blaming it on, the fact is, as painful as it is, that he does not CARE.

That fear and anger and all that stuff also play a role on he staying away, sure, but the very core of it is that he does not care. How do you make him care? I don't know if that is possible...

He has never offered me anything other than tears: so many of them, time and time and time again.
I want a man who can offer me smiles, affection and love. I'm can't afford to stay focused on someone who shows me nothing other than 'emotional paralysis'. He is the one who told me he's married, he's the one who keeps telling me to go away and leave him alone, well you know what? It's time for me to listen to him. Let him enjoy his self made misery. At the end of the day, what man would tell a woman to leave him alone because she tells him he is lovely?

I've been totally stupid and mad...I've had my head stuck in the clouds for too long. No wonder he doesn't value me. You're right m.q...whatever learning and wisdom is ahead of you, at the end of the day, you are absolutely right. The guy is the one to do the chasing, otherwise he does NOT value the woman. My father told me this, and he was NEVER wrong.

O.K...off to do a hundred things. Chat later gator.