Problems regarding relationships with women

You know I am writing here as I watch the second episode since I am interested on watching the blond girl with the letter.

The thing about this video and what keeps popping to my head is how some people need therapy for this sort of stuff. I am not sure if it is a cultural thing but I come from Cuba, which in case you don't know much about it, is a very poor and undeveloped country so this thing about therapy is basically nonexistent. This concept of therapy to achieve "happiness" is a very strange concept to me. I guess I was raised to believe that everyone had the power of self healing and if anything happened, perhaps to me, I should be able to control my own mind, examine the problem, and take steps to heal myself. The funny thing is that nobody has actually told me this but I feel that it has to do with where I am from but it may just be me.

Let me show you what I am talking about.

I've seen this show and so many people that need advice and some sort of therapy to overcome all the sort of problems that puberty brings. And many people are actually very relying on friends and family for support.
So, puberty... let me tell you about me. I was and still am an extremely shy guy. And I was this sort of geek that avoided people and human contact at all costs. I would rather stay at home playing a video game or watching a movie and this was definitely being a problem for me. I was stuck with a couple of friends that my mother introduced me from her friends and we were not even in the same school. I was extremely terrified of speaking in a group of people and lets not even talk about the looks.
The thing is I never actually thought that I could get help for some of these problems so I do what I thought I was supposed to do; identify the problem and take action to fix them.

The first thing I did was to force myself to talk to whoever was next to me at my school. I felt like if I put this mask on and they were not able to see my real face so I became a really good liar and I am still. I like being the opposite of whatever people are just for the sake of arguing. Most of my friends believe that I am gay. But I made many friends and since I was interested on going against anything they were I made all types of friends.
I forced myself to accept any invitation to any event that I was invited to. I started going out to the movies, beach, parties, anything that people invited me to so I became the guy people called when they needed someone to go out with, I was the guy who never failed them.
By the time high school was over I had many many friends and I was constantly being called on for every extracurricular activity you can think of. I have so many friends that people still call me today when they need to make a group to go do something and all my friends love me.
The list of problems I had left was the looks and the fear of speaking on public. Just as high school was ending I changed my look and I am cute now. And my elective at college is Public Speaking. I am no longer afraid of speaking in front of a group, I now like it in a sense.

Another thing I find really weird is letting people or things affect one's mood. Like you say that X turns your world around and makes you sad etc. I do not think I could ever write a letter of forgiveness. People have done very bad things to me but I do not feel anger towards anyone.
For example, I am mostly unmoved when a girlfriend leaves me. This is so bad on me that my parents often think that I am depressed because a girl left me when I am actually hungry. I am not able to be angry or annoyed by my friends when they are being silly. I can't get angry when I lose anything, I lost a gold ring once and an ipod touch and my parents actually think that I sold them to buy drugs or something because I was not angry and did not make a big deal out of it. It takes something very big to change my mood. I sometimes wonder what would happen the that any of my parents passes away; would I be able to cry?

Anyways I could go on forever about this but I want to share something with you before I go to bed. A few hours ago my ex called me and I hadn't talk to her in a really long while. She needed me to go for her tomorrow in the morning and pick her up because her car broke somewhere and she needed a ride. I was totally going to say no because one, she has not talked to me in like forever and she remembers me now that she is in trouble, and two, to avoid her because she is my ex. I find it very disrespectful to actually have the courage to ask me to pick her up after such a long time without contacting me. Anyways I said I would go pick her up, I want to see what happens when I am alone with her. Would I feel attracted once again? Would I get overwhelmed with a wave of negativity? Perhaps she changed and I find her to be more "mature" now? I guess this will be the definite test on how I feel about her. I'll get back to you when I leave her at her home.

Make no mistake...EVERYONE needs to work on themselves. Why? Because all of us were brought up by our parents. It's a very difficult job being a parent, I know because I have 2 adult boys. Because my parents were very strict with me, I felt that they never gave me credit for intelligence. Many parents make this mistake. I always swore that I wouldn't do this with my kids, and I didn't. I've NEVER laid a hand on either of them, so I've never smacked them (only a lot of yelling...lol). I taught them to take responsibility for their actions and I did this by getting them to make their own decisions from a very young age. It worked

My eldest boy is a music teacher, spoilt but very emotionally mature, and my youngest is a very focused and dertermined young man. He is very entertaining and an incredibly strong character who loves self help books. Wayne Dyer is one of his heroes, and let me tell you...the girls love my son. He is the epitome of emotional intelligence. He is a DJ now, which he has been working on for a while. He finally got a job doing it and loves it. He was school captain when he was younger and always 'the leader' of his friends because I made sure that both kids would feel good about themselves. He has been a terrific role model for many younger kids and ALL my friends say they can't believe how well balanced and emotionally skilled he really is. I've never had a drinking or drug problem with either one of them, or behaviour issues...in fact...NOTHING! They were perfect (as far as perfect goes)! In fact, my youngest son tells me that I'm a bit negative, but he doesn't know how hurt I am or my story with X. In fact...X taught both my boys to swim when they were little. My eldest liked X but was a quiet kid who did as he was told. My youngest just LOVED X, as did all the kids that he the taught. This is a really big thing for me, and confirms that X is not a psychopath. Children are very intuitive and if a child likes an adult, rest assured...they are perfectly O.K.

As for the letter of forgiveness? It's a very powerful tool, and the reason why we should do it is to 'let go' of resentment. Do I resent X? NO. I say that because I know the MOMENT he opens up to me, all my anger will disappear. I actually feel his difficulty. Whether it's pain, I don't know. He may well have resentment towards me, which is why he feels 'stuck'. The sad thing is...he can't see that he has caused ALL his own pain. He keeps attacking me, because he NEEDS to let out whatever is blocking him; he needs to release all the negative emotions that he's built up. I managed to release all my negative emotions he gave me years ago, but because HE HASN'T...he is filling mine up again. Why? Because that's what he is focused on.

I know he wants me to go visit him again but I don't really know why. HE KNOWS it's really up to him now. He probably needs me to be in front of him, thinking that it'll somehow allow us to come together. I don't know what he bases this on, given he keeps pushing me away all the time. The only reason he pushes me away is because he hasn't dealt with all his negative emotions. I, on the other hand...talk till the cows come home (as you can see... ). Communication is SO important for releasing the pressure cooker, so to speak.

Back to the letter... for me, it's difficult because I feel so cheated, so RIPPED off! However, I do wish him the very best and I hope that he will live a happy and fulfilling life. I could never wish him harm, or pain ever. He is lovely under all the crap, and in a way...I do feel forgiveness, but also so much sadness. It would've been a true love story, and I'm sure it would've been such a happy one if he didn't constantly poison the possibility. I think about his face and all his angry looks that he gives me, and always feel so sad and pained by it. However, it's not my responsibility to heal him. He is the only one who can do that.

So, now you're back to the old girlfriend eh?
Interesting. Becareful If it's the girl you mentioned earlier that you still think about, then yes...you most probably will be attracted to her again. It's like me with X. If I stay away....after time, I'm perfectly O.K. However, if I see him...then of course, I fall for him again and again. NOT when he's rude to me though. I walk away hating him: doesn't last though.
I'll be interested to hear your news. Good luck with it.

The first thing I did was to force myself to talk to whoever was next to me at my school

I forgot to mention this bit. I think it's important.

This is EXACTLY why you're probably miles in front of your friends. Not only are you willing to 'go get' the right info...you ACT on it! You clearly have courage, and THIS m.q..is the power of ALL HEALING. I'm not suggesting that you need healing by the way...I'm just saying that you have what many people need. That's why so many people get angry when confronted by something that pushes their buttons. They feel exposed, like you can see straight through them. People like to hide, but they can't with intuitive people. My point is...you can do anything if you have courage.

I remember when I started my undergraduate degree in 1994: I was 35 years old and hadn't written anything since school. I still remember ringing a friend when my first essay came up. I was TERRIFIED. I called my friend and burst into tears, saying "I can't do this!". My friend said..."don't be silly, of course you can. It's only pen and paper and your imagination - nothing else". He was right! I'm almost threw it in, but I plucked up the courage, as I always do..and VWALLA! I got an 'A' for the essay.

I didn't get an A for EVERY essay after that, but all I did was take a risk. If I didn't take that risk, I wouldn't have the freedom, knowledge or experience that I have today. Funny enough...X was a huge impetus for me even wanting to go to university. I remember when we first spoke on the phone. He asked me a question I didn't understand. I was too scared to say "what do you mean?"...so I took and chance and said "yes" to his question without knowing what the hell I was saying yes to. That had a really lasting impact on me, which again...created a lot of insecurities within me at the time. I thought he'd not only think I was too old, too imperfect, I was Sh** scared of him thinking I was too stupid. It's ridiculous when I think about it now, but hey...sh** happens

Hey I just came back from my meeting with my ex but before I go into that.

What did he ask you that you said yes to? and how do you know that he wants you to go visit him? did he ask? if he did, isn't he supposed to be the one to go visit you?

So my ex... ok so I go pick her up and as soon as she came out the door her body was no longer perfect, I found her too thin. Her face was really skinny and her nose was weird. I got frustrated when she could not understand what I was saying; she uses to hear loud music on her ipod so she has messed up her hearing. I felt somehow irritated being around her because of having difficulties talking to her mostly. Anyways I couldn't really tell if she had lost weight or anything but for some reason I couldn't pick up all those flaws before. But still, when I was going to kiss her goodbye I wanted to kiss her lips. I didn't of course. I am not sure if I wanted to kiss her because it was her or just because she is a girl, I have wanted to kiss some other friends when I was kissing them good bye.

So I guess I should review my comparison once more. My current girlfriend is definitely prettier, she is shorter tho but I like short women because they are easy to play around with if you know what I mean. My current girlfriend have very good hearing and somehow she understands everything I say and I do talk really really fast. She is not skinny and she is not fat, I wouldn't like it if she gained more weight tho. I feel that I have some more reasons to stick to my girlfriend now. It was definitely a good idea to go pick her up today. My condition to pick her up today was that she would pay for the gas and I felt sorry for her when I left her at her home and completely ignored the fact that she hadn't pay for the gas.

You know what? I will call my girlfriend right now and tell her I love her.

... isn't he supposed to be the one to go visit you?

BINGO...thanks for reminding me what I already know and feel. For him to come to me, means ringing me and talking to me. He won't ever do that, because that's too easy. That's taking responsibility for what he claims he wants, and he wont' do that. He expects others to do his work for him. So, I go see him at work because that's easy, he's in sales. Interesting though...if the situation was reversed and I was the one selling, guaranteed...he would NEVER come and see me. Everything is all about him. He will NEVER reach out for [what he claims he wants], because (like you said m.q) he doesn't really want it. It's only my emotional attachment and wishful thinking that keeps me going back. In his world...my feelings don't count. Why? Because it's like the blonde reading her letter of 'forgiveness'. She says...." Dear mum & dad...you were so wrapped up in your own resentments...that you missed those around you." This is exactly what X is doing. He is SO caught up in his own self pity, that he doesn't hear what I say when I get there anyway. All he does is make me pay for his mistakes.

As for what he said...I can't remember the question because I didn't understand it. It's totally irrelevant now anyway. All I know, is that he has an extremely complicated mind who loves to blame instead of taking control of his life. I can't afford to spend any more time hoping that he'll get the courage to just be nice to me in the first instance, let alone ask me out, because I know it won't ever happen. There is no evidence to say he can or will do that. HE KNOWS the ball is in his court. It's not my job to go run and see him: if he can't or won't let go of his own self made resentments, then that's his choice. It's totally up to him now and he knows it: he's got my number. Really, what woman would keep running back under the circumstances that he's created? No one!

Anyway...let's talk about you

You know it sounds like you needed to go see the ex to appreciate what you have with your new girlfriend. So, maybe you weren't in love with your ex after all. You're very young so I think these experiences all go with your age. You'll have more clarity about these things as you grow because you'll have more experience and emotional insight. The fact you want to tell your girlfriend you love her is really quite powerful. I hope you're sure you mean it. Mind you, the fact you buy her flowers and presents already shows that you like her a lot more than you're prepared to acknowledge. That's really sweet, and how it should be. It's wonderful that you're focused on what you want and not on what you don't want. See...there are so many rewards when you focus on the positive and not the negative.

BTW...the 3rd episode of the Happiness show is tonight. I can't wait to see it. I'll post the link when it's finished. I think it'll be the last episode, but not sure.

You know, so many people treat relationships the same way that they shop...
They want quality products for the cheapest prices. This is what X does...he wants a quality relationship, but doesn't want to pay for it.

You know... about your situation with X. There are two spots where I would put a woman I could mess around with. I would either take you serious or I won't and no matter where you are placed you are never getting out of it, it totally depends on your behavior. If you are the girl that chases me, you are put into the not serious spot and I won't take you seriously, ever. Or if you make me work for it I would put you on the serious area.

X is clearly not taking you serious and he never will. It does not matter how much resentment he has or how unhappy he is by not being with you, he won't take you serious. For example, I have only put two girls on the serious place, the girl I am with now and my ex. And they both made me chase them with the difference that this last one I was not that interested on chasing her but I did it anyways just for the sake of being with a girl. Ofcourse I do not wanna lose her now after all the trouble. All other girls I have been with I just talk to them and they get all exited and then I just lose interest and no matter what they do I will always treat them the same way.
What I am trying to say is that the idea you have about X is that he has this dark cloud in his head that is keeping him from seeing clearly and acting upon what he really wants. If that is the case you may want to carefully examine that, I know that you already have but do it again. How sure are you that he really wants you? I mean, the guy have completely ignored you for 20 years, never been in any sort of relationship with him but you still chase him... I am sure that is a bad signal that you could be the one having issues.

Here is how things look once you get all the emotional things you have created out of the equation:

Girl meets guy.
Girl falls in love with guy.
Guy wants to be friend with girl.
Girl thinks guy wants a relationship.
Girl chases guy and guy rejects girl.
Girl keeps trying and guy keeps rejecting.
Girl needs an excuse to justify guy's behavior so she thinks he is confused and afraid.
Guy knows girl loves him but he does not want her love.

I know here comes the "why does he check my calls?" and "why does he call and hangup?".

First, do you have any proof that he checks your calls? and even if he does it, does not mean a thing, if I had access I would check the calls from everyone I know.
And secondly, do you have any proof that he is the one calling? and even if he did, I constantly get calls from everyone and they don't talk because the phones call by accident. Perhaps it is his girlfriend trying to figure out who the girl's name on his phone is.

It seems to me that you want to believe he does all this type of things so that you can have something to hang on to. Please, understand that the guy does not need to change, you are the one that does. Stop waiting for him to acknowledge you because he could care less about you. I won't acknowledge anyone who is not important to me, why would I? X is probably like "what do you want from me? leave me alone!"

I know for certain it would be a wonderful love story, one to make a movie about, but he does not want it and that is the end of the story. Perhaps because he is afraid of love stories or afraid of you, he already made his decision and he chose not to be with you, and there is nothing you can do to change that and he will not change it either. It is pointless to hang on to little things for hope. Stop for a second and think of all the bad things he has done to keep you away, is he worth it? In case you are going like "maybe..." he is not.
Stop trying to figure out what is wrong with him and focus on yourself. You know, you seem too certain that the guy has serious issues and that you are just a victim of his actions, and that tells me two things, either you are perfect or you have got some issues yourself. Perhaps you are a victim of your own actions. If the guy from the first moment said NO and you keep making yourself believe it is YES then it is only you hurting yourself. I think it would be cool if a girl chased me but if you do it for 20 years straight you will probably get a few big words from me. Even worse if you accuse me of stalking you.

You need to stop focusing on him and what is wrong with him and try to change your behavior. Perhaps if he feels that he will lose you then he will at least call you to say hello. I hardly doubt he will want a relationship with you but at least he will feel more comfortable around you knowing that you won't try to rape him at any moment.

sweetcheeks wrote:See...there are so many rewards when you focus on the positive and not the negative.

In a sense, aren't you sort of focusing on all the things you do not want from X instead of what you actually want from him?

You are a really smart kid. You're saying everything I feel from a "logical" perspective. The problem is...he has made me jump hoops for too long. I no longer will jump them. Thanks for sharing your opinion on what type of girl you'd take seriously too. This is a great insight, despite the fact that I do think people are a lot more complex and each one is different: no two people share exactly the same scenarios. However, you're right in the sense that he assumes I'll always come back to him. He even said it. He said to me..."you'll be back", and he said it such arrogance. He has an incredibly arrogant attitude towards me. It's actually very difficult for me to go to him ALL the time, and in all honesty - I'm having trouble respecting him because of it.

You're right about the calls - it doesn't matter that he keeps ringing and hanging up. The fact that he does it only tells me that he wants to keep hiding from me. You know, my youngest son has been reading a book called 'Think and grow Rich'. One of its key messages is this book is..."Power comes from making a decision. Once you make a decision and stick to it, fear falls away." He is right. Uncertainty creates pathology. For example, my son was adamant that he WILL be a DJ...he has been working on his music for years, but solidly all day (gave up his part time job) for the last 3 months in preparing to become a DJ. Here was me, starting to nag him about getting a job, and this is when he threw the book in my face and said READ IT! He is still on my back about where I'm up to. Low and behold, he got a job as a DJ last week. He got it over 900 other applicants and started last Friday night. He loves it. He has now created his next goal, in which he claims he'll have a resident spot in a night club so he can concentrate on his own genre. He is doing everything I've taught him to do...and so now I'm listening to him give me back the lessons I taught him as a child.

My point...I've made a solid decision as of today...(I kind of made it a few weeks ago, but X plays on my emotions. He toys with me, which makes me so angry. He did it 20 years ago and he is still doing it).

My decision is to make peace within myself, let go of the hurt, the pain and all the suffering he's caused me. It's time to write the letter of forgiveness so I can let go of his memory. I kind of do that through this thread. I use it to release the pain. He keeps building it and building it no end. So, now is the time to say that I'm sorry this is so difficult for him, and that I'm leaving him totally alone to gain his own inner peace, awareness and happiness. I wish him well in his life, and hope he meets and loves whoever it is that he really wants. Amen xx

Good place for me to finish.

In a sense, aren't you sort of focusing on all the things you do not want from X instead of what you actually want from him?

O.K, just need to mention this one...No, I'm not. I'm the one who responded to his initiation, I'm the one who goes to see him, I'm the one who has told him I think he is lovely: I even told him that I've always idolised him. He didn't hear any of it, because he was soaking in self pity. I've totally focused on starting fresh, smiling in the face of feeling scared: I've even apologised for reacting to his poor behaviour. Nothing I do works...I've totally focused on helping him move towards (what he silently makes me believe he wants). Fact is, you're right M.Q...he doesn't want it, not with me. I've actually focused on trying to get what I want from him, and he just spits in my face, every time. I won't be going back for more.

So...now that I've wished him well, this chapter in my life is now closed. If ever he wants to open it, he knows where I am.