Problems regarding relationships with women

#1...your issue

Like I said in my post, it doesn't matter whether you do or don't read these mags, the fact that she, along with most women know that guys DO. This is a SOCIETAL issue that impacts everyone. It's like the notion that most western people deem muslims to be "evil". Why? Because the majority of terrorists are muslim fundamentalists. It of course, doesn't mean that ALL muslims are evil, but society deems "them" evil because it only takes a few bad eggs, if you know what I mean. I'm not saying that your girlfriend thinks that, it was just a theory, but a pretty good one. The only reason people feel bad about their bodies is because someone has led them to believe they aren't good enough. With women, who do you think that might be? MEDIA of course. I drive to work, and low & behold I see a bus in front of me with a MASSIVE advertisement right across the back showing gorgeous girls in lingerie. It's an ad for underwear. Women are constantly portrayed as sex objects/pawns in advertising, and so...the message is soaked in subliminally. Why don't you ask her?

#2.....X

I think I've reached my need to tell my story to the world. I've accepted the fact that X can't or isn't prepared to do anything. I'm a realist and don't have to convince anyone that my story is true. I've used blogging to release the hurt and pain that he's inflicted on me. If he wants to stay swimming in emotional sewerage, that's his choice. He has hurt himself, and me...and that is his choice. Like I said I'm not running after him anymore. He knows it's not right: he knows it's NOT up to me to go after him, he just looks for excuses to maintain the status quo. It's totally up to him now. There is nothing more I can do and he knows it. Like Dr Phil says...."Choose the behaviour and you choose the consequence".

O.K...Tthis is the last I'll talk about him. At the end of the day, I want to be loved, not hated. he prefers the latter.

Hey there!!

I wanna tell you about today.

I had a presentation at school so I had to dress all professional and stuff so I was looking all hot sort of like the guy from the movie Transporter but with some more hair. Anyways I went by her home after school to pay her a visit but yesterday she told me she liked blue flowers and I was like... where the f*** does one find blue flowers? Anyways I went to a florist before stopping by and made him paint some roses and a couple other flowers blue for me so I got her a nice arrangement of blue flowers. Ofcourse she loved it, she said she was kidding when she said she liked blue flowers but that they were they favorites now. Anyways she refused to have sex with me today lol I think she was trying to send me some type of message like "its not going to happen every day or whenever you want" and I understand it, I was actually specting her to do something like this eventually, anyways, I will worry about it if it continuous happening often. Also, we are going to be together for a month this Friday and I was thinking about getting her some red roses and one of those fluffly bears that say I love you... I think I should have left the blue flowers for Friday... anyways... what do you think will make a nice present?
Oh and I also wanna spend a night with her at a hotel but I am afraid she would think I am taking her for some sort of whore or anything like that. It is mostly because of the privacy that it offers. I do not know how to ask this... any suggestions?

You sound like a real sweetie that hides behind some form of bravado. I'm now starting to see that a lot of (young) guys need to "look cool", thus pretending that no woman will ever be the centre of their attention. For a guy who said only 2 weeks ago that "he couldn't care less if she walked away for good" to NOW wanting to buy her a bear that says...I love you I think you're quite taken with her actually. No guy would even remotely think of doing this if he wasn't smitten. Hmmmm, then again it could be a tactic to get her into bed "regularly"? You're either a real 'sweetie' , or a 'con artist' .Lol...

Be honest here....What you have in mind is perfect. I'm sure whatever you buy her she'll love, providing it's from the heart and not from a manipulative door stop. BTW...do you love her? That's a pretty big thing to say if you're (a) not sure or (b) don't mean it. Never lie, or it will come back to bite you

As for the hotel...hmmm, given your age, I'm not sure how she'll take it. I know at my age, it would be fabulous providing it's a 5 star and not some cheap "inn" with steel bedposts and a crocheted bread spread. Let's not forget that highly glossed mission brown dresser sitting on that FABULOUS mustard floral carpet (that's been down for 50 years). Lol.. Sorry, this is just too funny.
Crap...you're probably too young to even know what I'm talking about.

Seriously...just ask her. I'm sure she won't mind.

As for ....

I will worry about it if it continuous happening often.

Why?

It's still early days, and I personally think you're paying WAY too much attention to this side of the relationship. What you've said above implies there is a problem. You know it takes considerable time to get to know someone, even if you're smitten with her. In fact, PARTICULARLY if you're smitten. You'll find that if she actually falls in love with you...she won't be able to get enough of you, but this takes time. Guaranteed. You don't know each other yet...and given what you've said about her 'self consciousness'...she's HARDLY going to want to strip EVERY TIME she sees you, c'mon. You can't be serious ?
Just go with the flow...let her be who she is!

mrquestion wrote:i guess ur right but have you noticed how girls are sort of anti-social lately? at least here in miami people think ur a freak if you ask a random girl for dinner or stuff like that... they would be like... "do i know you?" ofcourse you do not... thats the point of going to dinner...
anyhow... i do not think i am a freak but maybe I am. i love meeting new people.

I don't know always worked for me in the past? are you dating in your class?

mistaben wrote:I don't know always worked for me in the past? are you dating in your class?

Hemm for real? when was your past? and where was it? I mean it is not working on the present. Nowdays if she says yes it is just one of those girls that has slept with like 50 guys and she has very low self steem because regular girls think it is bad for some reason... or perhaps they are scared that you may rape her or something I don't know... Im pretty sure they think it is a bad thing...

Sweetcheek,

You know there is a saying that goes like you don't know what you have until you lose it, or something like that. Right now I feel that if we split I wouldn't really miss her that much... I am sure I will miss the sex tho. But maybe if I lose her then I'll miss her a lot.

As for the bear well I know I have to get her something and if it is some sort of "anniversary" it must say I love you. I really like to plan things and make sure everything is perfect. If I am going out with a group of friends I will make sure that everyone will enjoy the trip before going to it. I am the guy who takes the time to make sure that every t is crossed and every i has the dot. So if I have a girlfriend I need to make sure that she enjoys the relationship and I will pay close attention to her, I wouldn't call it love but just my nature, anyhow maybe I am in love. I like to make everything perfect or as close to perfection as possible. For example I have no talent painting but I can draw any picture down to very small details, and as a matter of fact I did draw a picture of her and my drawing is now her profile picture on facebook.

As for the display of kool guy I don't really think that is my case, you see I am not really into what people think about me, if I were most of my friends wouldn't think I am gay. But they do and I do not really care. And doesn't the fact that I want her to be the center of my life sort of rules that out? I mean at least I want her to feel she is.

This morning I did not have to go to my school so I picked her up before her class started and took care of the day off we took yesterday, I hope we can repeat this afternoon. So that is pretty much fixed, my concern was not that she wouldn't want to be with me every time we were together but that perhaps I had done something the previous two times that discouraged her and she wouldn't want to have sex with me anymore and would do it just to please me or w.e.

Yes, the saying "you don't know what you've got til it's gone", is true, but only true for those who have little or no awareness. I know for me, having been an only child, and an artist (all my life really), I appreciate everything from footpath texture to the colour of the cracks within old building walls. In other words, I'm very in tune to the things that are important to me. That's why I've never let go of X for all this time, because I valued what he represented. It's very hard to see that now because of his hesitation and anger...it's clouding my reality. That's another reason why I'm so ANGRY with him, because I can see as clear as day that he values nothing other than his own "self emotional mutilation". I focus on beautiful things, and that always included him, but he focuses on ugly things, such as fear and failure. So, my point? ....the closer you are to knowing and loving yourself, the closer you will be to appreciating and loving the things that matter to you. In other words, you'll know and be quite clear on "knowing what you have". In fact, I've now identified my problem with X: I work from an ethos of "honesty", he works from an ethos of "dishonesty". I get angry at his lack of honesty, and he gets angry at my honesty. Anyway...

I have a story to explain the quote....a past next door neighbour of mine, a 53 year old man (and his wife who is the same age) told me his story. He went to school with his wife, so he met her when he was very young. They were great friends and dated too when they got to their teens. However, he moved on to do his "stuff" and so she also went off in a different direction after they finished school. He said they met again and dated for a while when they were in their early 20s but it faded out. Then, one day...she sent him an invitation to her "wedding". He told me that when he got it, he broke down and cried. He said he was "devestated" to the point of falling into depression. Anyway, a few years later, he married too. The irony is, when the school friend got to her early 40s she divorced and somehow found my neighbour. When she found him, he said he was ecstatic, and so he left his wife and married her straight away. They've been married ever since. He just adores her and shows her he loves all the time. It's such a beautiful story.

I have to go teach, so I'll be back to finish the rest later gator.

You know, the story is a lovely one but also a tragic one. They have no children and both love them. She is a pediatric nurse. She works with children because she loves them. Yet, she has none of her own. Why? Because of the time wasted on someone she didn't really want, and the same story for him. He loves kids too but he loves her more. It's still sad that two people wasted the best years of their life swimming in (dare I say)...fear, lack of awareness, lack of courage...WHATEVER... It robbed them of so much time. Whoops...gotta run.

...my concern was not that she wouldn't want to be with me every time we were together but that perhaps I had done something the previous two times that discouraged her

And here we have a classic example of FEAR...

My advice....LET IT GO. Let me guess what will happen if you don't?

You'll carry this thought with you every time she says "not now". You then, focus on the above thought, which of course, eventually, will make you angry (not at her, but at yourself and you won't realise it because you'll be to busy blaming her for something that you've thought). If you have no awareness, you'll "make HER pay for it" without realising that you're ACTUALLY making yourself pay for it.

WORSE STILL...if you think this is the case, you'll then start to believe it, which will lead you to sabotage and do whatever you'll need to do to PROVE that you've done something wrong. Why? Because that's what you are focusing on.

INSTEAD, why don't you try this....

Focus on thinking that she's really into you and that 'trust' is something she is working on. Given the evidence around the way she feels about her body tells you that TRUST, in fact, is an issue. Therefore, she needs time to feel totally comfortable with you, and that means, taking the time to make her feel that. So, you go about doing everything possible to make her feel like she can trust you. Instead of focusing on "what you've done wrong", you'll focus on what you do RIGHT!. When you make the decision to focus on doing the right thing (and feeling it)...there is only one destination...she will start to feel that she can trust you, hence...she feels better about her body, and safer with you.

At the end of the day, even if she ends the relationship, it won't matter because if you've done everything you could've done to work towards making her feel good, then the reasons why she leaves won't actaully matter. Does this make sense?
...
...
...
....