xod_s journal:plz feel most free to respond

-Didn't finish making matching music to a short story as I have to for an assignment

-In regular prevailing pattern I missed a bus got a bus after

-On my way out of the bus and while walking across the street someone asks me for 75 ¢ ^1

-Someone asks me if the bus that me and others are in line for goes to Upper James street.I have mixed wondering over whether it was bad to think that it was going to be another person asking money. How I don't like it when I let ppl down by not being able to give good directions^2 .I say that I don't know but I do know that the bus goes to Mohawk college

-A person comes up to me before class to talk to me about how I joined his group.He was the first person at the time to form a group online for the assignment.We talk about ideas,if we have any.He says he doesn't like how it's worth 20% of our mark.I don't think I do either.

-I go to class (developmental psych).Things are fine and fun but I cave in to having to badly go to the washroom during some slides on theory of mind,Vyotsky,language and grammar development (just my luck )

-I do this shortly before the break my teacher was gonna give us anyways.I find out that the orange slices I put in my sandwish and put in the sandwich grill^4 makes for an awesome non-starchy rival to bananas in sandwiches

-Classes finishes and I go to that other bus stop in back side of the school b/c I don't wanna walk all the way to the usual stop.Two #35 buses stop in front of the college but neither goes downtown as many expected.As I'm walking to the usual stop I see the downtown #35 en route to the crowd and I go back.

-I accidently elbow the topa someone's head of the way in as the bus gets crowded quick making me go the back.That same person is reading a comic book I notice as it's time to get off at a stop.

-Timing for the next bus is good.This whole day I've wondered how much sugar from horchata and fruit has been running thru me and able to dilute.

Oh what ^5 does it mean to be egocentric aside from saying "I" and hinging yourself a lot ?


^1 I know that the notion goes that it's a good thing to donate to ppl -_- ..when it happens in a location like a mall almost half the time you there and esp.when you en route to something like catching a school bus the affinity to do so is open to question '''-_- ..I don't want to talk about how to know when to do it and the sensation inside of finding something troublesome ''-~-

^2 My spatial intelligence is lousy.Just ask what developments it needs for me to learn to drive =_=

^3 I like to help/I saw that as helping via giving what little knowledge I do know,although to me and other ears it might ring in as a sedgeway to small talk.No,doy xod_s .It says Mohawk right on it -_-

^4 God I love that machine .Outta all the electrical kitchen appliances out there,this is great for having to make the ordinary sandwich,heated up,toasted up and have all that stuff inside compressed and heated.

^5 More

I would be sorely p----d [a rare time where I inadvertedly wrote the swear word as I was caught up in anger] off if on one of the forums I write all the stuff I've posted got taken down b/c the forum down.

I'm saying this b/c for one forum I go to they send out msg's every few months asking for donations to keep it running.If forum admins are reading this plz tell your members if your forum is gonna shut down okay?.

If that were to happen I'd copy and paste the shizzle outta things onto word files.

Execute,speak,act like it's "normal" debating,reasoning and philosophy but (always) prepare like your going to be hit hard by the deep stuff.

I forgot to say this before.

I'll probably come back to this once I were to listen to the found recordings on my pen.When I asked my race and ethnic dynamics teacher when is it that a person's opinion on culture isn't racist she said it's when it's not ethnocentric^1 .Also she would keep asking a person if you have something to back it up.Particulary numerical data like stats which is something that isn't easy for a regular non-sci of any sort person to get `~` .

I personally don't think I speak with ethnocentricism as I don't care for my Canadian background or my Salvadorean background or even for "ethnic belonging-ness" -~- in general and I've even been influenced in my own way from the sorta sentimental writing of Wade Davis who speaks on the destruction of irreplacable worldviews,lifestyles and culture.If anyone thinks differently of me like if I ever seem to be having blindspots PLEASE bring that up to my attention.I do invite ppl to correct by any means possible on this topic and the openness of an internet forum is one of those ways.


^1 and others may bring up further bias which compels me all the more to talk of the topic with much more reason in it's construction and articulation so that when I express myself authentically it is without (or at least heavily minimized bias) where others are still free to point out any of what they think are blindspots in my thinking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQEn6zJtjHo

1 Corinthians 13:2 (NIV) "If I have the gift..and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge..but do not have love, I am nothing."

I'm starting to think and wonder whether I have any "right to complain" if I never fufill the quasi-social and emotionally prescribed doing of clicking up and marrying a girl whether...[let me rephrase that]

I'm wondering if I can still be knowledgable and live without ridicule for not having been in a loving relationship instead.I mean how can you live to be so knowledgeble but not have love.Does that make you any less of a person?.

I put up that Biblical quote b/c it mad me pessismistic but I thought of that Biblical quote b/c I was thinking.What would it make of me 2 continue on accumulating knowledge when I have such trouble loving and having faith in the existence from where I get that knowledge?.

If I felt like wanting a more religious feedback on this (which this isn't about) I'd go to another forum.That's not the point.It's that you can be very knowledgable but be like persecuted by how you have such disbelief in love and what that means to other ..*only* b/c you never felt that emotionally and socially prescribed anticipation of being at some age before early 30's and clicking b/c of having a gf or bf?.Is it "egocentric" to think that there's is no love but only the raw substance of knowledge b/c you were let-down a/o frsutrated by never feeling it yourself?.Is it like "lashing out" to others to be so uncomprimising with unfavorable info b/c you feel no hesitance to be callous b/c you never had that assuasive agent called love which apparently a lot of ppl by your age have already felt?. OH f----n social clocks and how they make us and so many look pathetic!.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD-1OW_ziyY

Friday is Valentines and for some that might mean a day of love but to me I can make it mean an occasion that happened in '64 on that day.An event bringing a person to 1/2 century track to that day .Valentine's day is my dad's birthday so I guess I'm "blessed" for the oppurtunity for it to mean that instead of a typical "day of love" .

The only sort of polyamory that might find wide acceptance is "marrying your job".The goal of so many thats promoted which means only more to maybe a never-have-technically-work-yet-and-making-me-less-likely-for-real-sympathy-and-openness-from-ppl ,hardly has social skills 22 yr old "man" so labelled who's gotten his a--- kicked around by jacka--- math teachers/callous uninsightful f---ks who never realized how they f---d with kids lives that way.Kids like me who wanted to "marry their jobs" (I use to dream of being some scholarly Ph.D scientist before reality's gradual residual embedding into me)

[Girl walks off very angerily saying "I can't take this anymore sir" b/c of how vulgar a backrow of guys can't shut up

"Kate please wait"

he looks at the class and says

"Look when I was in high school there were guys [20 something] years old in class.Guys who could already shave ...we did a lot of dumb things by the railway...those ppl grew up to be some of the best ppl ever"

you aged [antiquated derogatory word for Italian ppl,I'm sorry Italian ppl but the coincidentally Italian ppl I've meet in the d---baggery of this city has left a foul scent on me which I often wish would go away from stereotypes from .b.s. like the Jersey shore show doesn't help though the thoughts of this one blonde Italian girl who was a bit surprisely open to listening to me does] b----d =_=

You went a/o saw that bulls--- of being from a different country,not having your post-secondary edu recognized by the Canadian government,have to be like 20 something and in high school became a math teacher and was still an unhelpful f--- when your teaching the grade 9 academic class!.A class for kids who might very well from the f---n beginning know they want to go to university!?.And you have that real estate selling sleazewad in there as well b/c he was one of your f---wad greedy b----d students who is insenstive and a freak?!.I didn't want to be a tradesperson you dumb f--- !.WHY THE F--- WEREN'T YOU CONSISTENTLY NICE WITH THE SLIGHTY HIGHER A--- LEVEL CLASS AS WELL !.

F--- !.If my life before I was 12 is just semi-hazy blur of "childness"/ninez (albeit an *autistic* one =_=) it's more prone to fondness from me than that s---hole period of being btw 12-17 and in the other schoolboard.


I know d--- well how you can probably look at me from the afterlife as well.You weren't *that bad a guy* but still made for a (unwitting -_- ?) d---k of a teacher ]

When you get married are you supposed to feel that by the end of your life you have no regrets for how you lived your life b/c the path you had including all it's decadent indulgences which you were gleeful in and all the unrelenting hinderance you meet,without it you wouldn't have meet your married partner?.Are you suppose to be like you are not suppose to have any thoughts that "you've gotten a prettier one,a more understanding one,a more co-operative one etc?" )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFz6pCAJ ... 69QQwI6F4w not clean song

My sister once said during that c---y year when I arrived @ the high school SJAM and was wondeirng around like a homeless person around the school for math help/answers in what would be a stubborn a--- futile endevour to get the dang MCR3U1 credit and have the gateway to data management (stats),advanced functions and calculus b/c I wanted to roll alongside and struggle with the "elite" back when I thought I'd be able to handle/survive life sciences she said "maybe it was meant to happen this way".Was it meant to happen this way?.

Me getting my a-- kicked around.My autistic a--- kicked around for a dozen years?.First by the jerk kids who came up to me when the isolation of being a limp legged,un-socially communicatable apparent dips--- dumba--- even for a kid was interrupted,then the hypocritical Catholic school board for

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCAS2Cvf ... 69QQwI6F4w

which I am thankful for the religion class component of it and finding new ways and things to philosophize on was still mostly me surrounded by coincidentally HEAVILY Euro-centric Italian and Portuguese kids who f---n think there all that,like whatever the f--- part of Hamilton that is,is the only thing in existence when having NO F-----G IDEA WHAT THE *F---K* REAL A--- NON-CAUCASIAN DIVERSITY IS like that of SJAM b/c you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq_nNPDYQ0w

don't neccesarily hafta go 2 dang Toronto to see that . All this searing directed at particular ethnicities rage I've got >_< .Don't get me wrong.It's NOT the culture.. in this case..I've got issues with the stuff in other cultures including my own Hispanic one to an extent..it's the jerka--- who are born into that ethnicity and f--- throw it around like a label wrapping on'em making you by association make it seem like it's the whole group in a turn of terrible application which I hate myself for doing .



As far as another spiritual tip?.A common line for non-believers or those who don't choose to believe in something when they don't want to/dont want to be a believer in that?.Whenever ppl ask what'll mean if there is no God some replies including life is pointless and inherently meaningless (this leads to sorta a panic resulting in) therefore let everything burn or therefore (sometihng cruder -_-) everything is bulls--- or it's all absurd but you can assign a/o attach whatever meaning you want b/c of that (like one of boundless pit of consumerist materialist dominance-lust like so many f---wad marketers and corporations have made in cahoots with pop culture and stupid young ppl junk like YOLO a c---p a--- update on "carpe diem" which was already badly "mis-distanced" from the very original sentence on more like "seize the day b/c you never know what tommorrow has in store for you when your not prepared").

I got two-bits.*If* there is no God and/or higher metaphysical life principles underlying everything then it can very well be said that life is all the more precious **********BECAUSE********** IT'S ALL WE HAVE D:< you materialist dim-eyed wandering sniffers!I believe in God but I'm saying those two-bits if anyone who doesn't,is uncertain,a deist etc wants to take something from this "leave a token,take a token" tray of writing I've got.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMSoo4B2hFU

It's odd.With me while I suppose I'm a "minimally-practicing/highly unconventional Catholic" I'll admit to be quite the misotheist ever since I was little.Still am but my hissy fits eventually do calm down.When I read stuff from religions like Buddhism or Daoism though where a god and theism isn't neccesary if you dont want it thataway I actually thank God for providing an astounding system,ethics,morals.perspectives and all ,all bundled up in a religion structurally

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aemOWBkkUuQ

different/radically dissimilar from my own and the little knowledge I see it's practioners have when doing it.Actually that a major problem I find with practioners of ALLL religions and why ppl berate that the practicioners dont practice what's in their religions;simply put they're not very knowledgable on the whole religion themselves not to say what it means to deeply ponder on that,how/what it means for the execution of mundane living) b/c (maybe it's hints of essentialism/universialism in me in ways a bit off from Catholic tenets but) it makes me come back happier and refreshed when I see the same moral points brought up in Christianity and I know I can kick aside ~500 of secular Euro philosophy criticism just b/c I looked at stuff from a religion in topographically different part of the world.

All the grammar and spelling mistakes I've made.I'll the mental kicks to my a-- I'll give when I see how I wasted time on writing mostly (?) negative things on here when my sister told me on fb yesterday

"If you can experience three positive emotions for every one negative emotion, you dramatically improve your health and your ability to successfully tackle any problem you're facing."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gifwRthu9g4

Those youtube links are song I listened to while writing this


~~~~~~
These are just sounds that I like and that someone may find nice as well

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0-coASIjkQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxEVPe7XMcs

I forgot 2b charging my livescribe pen all thru this '~'

While I've summoned a surface glimpse of my mistotheism,a bit more on that?.

When I was little I didn't make my own decisions that's true but I all thought about how some omnipotent being was my puppeteer in a life already so full of restrictions.Supposedly all-loving but not much into making my life easier and happier which at 11 isn't to uncommon a request.What lil'shtick my parents could usually say like "you gotta have faith" or "suffering has a meaning" had little convincibility for me at the time and the stuff that his Holy Son did just seemed sort of "corny" and lacking in stuff that would convince me that this was God walking the Earth for sacrificing himself for a fulfillment for humans.

[Sorry Christ.I know about you better now but I'm being honest with revealing how I felt about you in those days]

Oh I could only imagine how when I do get down to falling in love,someone out there is gonna say I'm "clingy" -_- .

Motherflipper,I'll admit that I want/crave attention but not in the usual bull way of glamor,money and celebrity.Being an un-socialized child with a limp and social communication problems wandering around with niche knowledge wanting to spill out and be "dis-contained" growing into a still hardly socially acceptable man/economic participant who'd prob.be culled early if there ever was a culling for some reason ,who has major problems with crossing the bridge of socializing let alone building the steel bridge of "love" might have an executed performance of love that may be considered clingy be the unnuacned viewing.If you think it is plz bring it up with me asap motherf--- lest you make me go and make another tirade like how the expression "get a life" or even "social" life hardly bares a f----n candle of applicability to the billions not in the first world benefits of infrastructure and the bottom rungs of Maslows "hiearchy" (now network) of needs.

Did ya know that there's a philosophy of pain ? sho

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pain_(philosophy)

Combine this with whatever philosophy on suffering you got and you may b on to something `~` ..

Swear to myself;optimism.A girl won't pop up and balance me out b/c optimistic girls are high valued and likely to find themselves interacting with the "conventional" successful.Not that they shouldn't .

Optimism is more than favorability or Liebniz's "best of all possible worlds" .Once you start feeling it xod_s like you do pessimism than..whoa nelly the feeling will be exhilarating won't it ?.

It will.Drop the question at the end this time.

Night.

I caved into the pressure of the ambience to eat pieces of my dad's birthday cakes.As far as unhealthy cake eating at past 9 goes a sponge cake with a frosting sparkling over loads of berries isn't so bad.I thought about how I'll still keep to my rule of nothing past 8 but not for same reasons and not with the same accompanying imagery of why I'm not eating at that time.

I might be more open to tea more often at past 8.

I may have pretty much heavily given up on junk food but if they're ever be times that I don't have to be as hesistant aside from special occasions,*potential* time spent eating my own children.

I feel bad for going thru a particularly even more vulgar than I was complaisant^1 with sexual article earlier on today

xod_s wrote:I may have pretty much heavily given up on junk food but if they're ever be times that I don't have to be as hesistant aside from special occasions,*potential* time spent eating my own children.

Need I correct it with "*potential* time spent eating [with ] my own children?.

When ppl are trying to justify some bad and harmful things that they're doing and have some convoluted reasons for it maybe one way of changing their minds (or at least perspective/or a make them empathetic to what your saying) use some stuff from what .B.F. Skinner and Paiget got ta say on moral development and work with those kernels from there.

That might be the "quicker" way to get a person see why they might be thinking the bad things they think they do when you can't get your philosophy up to speed and par to discuss on that level/plane of thought.

^1 -_- b/c even I do and am guilty of that at times too -~- .

My mom's expressive demeanor of quasi-fatalism and complaisancy like a person's behavior is inevitable^2

I have suspicions about a certain cousin of mine.Their are suspicions that ppl have of others.Bad suspions that we wonder " is it true?,is it true?,is it true?". I've got to ask myself would I/do I want it [the terible things I suspect and speculate of] to be true?".How come/what better case for holding out a candle that ppl are good and didn't do something harmful ,a lapse or ommision of being continually unharming?.After all,do you want another person doing a bad thing in the world to be true?.And that some else was involved in the action?.

^2 IT NOT >:( most of the time.It not "the way of the world/the way the world works"--> we must accept it ,it's "we made the world that way".You can bring in counter-retorts citing the neurology of free will like your trying to take hits at credability (=_= when it doesn't suit you >:( ! ) but that does't diminish the choices that can be made (possible,not possible,feasible,not too feasible etc) and the d---- accountability that accomadates a choices.It's one d--- point of adulthood as a whole that comes with it >:( ! .

Come to think of it modern pop culture mowadays with it's crumbly a--- engaging of badly misunderstood in it's origins saying "carpe diem" seems to want to take away the accountability that ppl have for actions stemming from disposition and either charging agency,control or consequence to a factor related to them from the external or an interpersonal relation not an intrapersonal relation a/o interior conviction.It's been added to the image of the "teens to late 20's demo" for maybe like ~3 decades now even though the ephasise that there is a seperate exclusive ("unshared" -~-) object called "teen lifestyle" or "young ppl lifestyle"

It's too bad I've actually never really read that much ^3 b/c I wonder how my abilities would've developed if I actually had read a lot more (ESP.fiction) when I was little.I mean I know that maybe like 3/4 of my psych issues could've been alleviated if not easier to live with if I just written them down from the flippin beginning^4 .

^3 As failing the Onatario literacy test the first time around and having a bit a hard time summoning the effort need for round 2 retake ,in part to the stupid>_< behavior of mine in the months before that test can be said to be evident of.Though the first time around missing an essay at the time while sitting diagonal from a girl I had a crush o,on the day of her b-day and a school fundraising sleepover is a less-than-common reason for a distraction.

Months later I found out I failed it with a 280/400.This was in 2007. You need a 300 to pass and I saw the scores of kids who did pass. =_= For some stupid suspicon-arousing-reason-for-me the year after it just said "congrat you passed" with no indication of a score if you passed.Why the flip did they leave that out hmm...-_- ?

^4 When asking me dad once what he thought he just sorta stared at me before saying "it's a waste of time"

One of my aunt's is stick on her birthday today.remarkable number of birthdays for a ppl from an ethnicity in the tropics living in a famously cold country .

A problem with getting (really(?)) old is that the past starts looking more important than the future.It may be ^-^ a leading cause in "uncool" a/o overly "conservative" old ppl.It depends on who it is on whether that'll mean replicating the past or merely not going obsolete.

No offense to .J.K. Rowling and her fans but I think that when it comes to "plain looking" bespectacled fairly light skinned dudes with dark unstylized hair that naturally defaults to bowlcuts,Harry Potter ruined it for us and increased the ridicule -_- b/c even in a world of 7.2 billion that is still a pretty common look that you'll find in males among various cultures.

^1 A word that b/c of it's political connatations mainly I don't like.Neither do I like these ones

rational for the way it's usually used)
civilized
exotic
liberal
industrious
progressive
boring
purity
freethinking,freethinker
savage
"family values" (and the word value itself in some ways)
barbarian
conservative
self-*esteem* (I have issues wih what it is and how it's defined when self-value and even self-compassion would be more accurate and not as tied in to the conventional concept of "pride" and ego as much)