***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Things have been fairly normal, now normal isn't exactly good but it's what I'm used to, so I suppose that's not terrible. I also have to sign up for spring classes soon. I've been thinking about my previous episodes and as bad as they were I wish I could feel that way again. Having the thoughts and anxiety without the real world feelings would be such a relief. Ever since this episode began over a year ago I haven't really gotten physically aroused that much, now I've gotten emotionally aroused but that's it. I read somewhere that denial is were you deny any of the logical reasons as to why you feel the way you do (in the case of sexuality) and I honestly think that if it weren't for my history with OCD this is exactly what it is. And assuming that this is a different sexuality I don't think I could accept it, because I don't want to feel the way I do. I either want to be attracted to women or to nothing at all.

I wish these feelings could disappear or that I could be comfortable with how I feel. I was watching a movie staring Kurt Russell from the mid 80's and he was very attractive. I know I've said this before but why did all this have to suddenly start finding men attractive in my late teens why can't I have the attractions I used to have. Sex doesn't intreast me as much anymore. I really wish I be ok. It's so hard to allow myself to be ok with my feelings. When I used to have my OCD episodes I use to force myself to accept these thoughts because deep down I knew I wasn't gay or bi but now that I'm faced with the very sad reality of how I currently feel I'm much more reluctant to do so. I wish that I was like this from a young age, then maybe I'd be less reluctant. Sorry for posting on here twice in one day I don't want to spam the forums.

Sometimes I feel the urge to act upon my thoughts other times it's not as strong, currently it's fairly strong and I feel like I'm fighting against it. I think that if I didn't care or if I were drunk (though I've never drank before) I could do it. That's part of why I'm afraid to drink because I think that I might act upon these feelings.

Hello, long time no post. Still not feeling the greatest.

It’s like I don’t even really care anymore.

I know a big part of it was a big revelation I had a couple months ago: which was that all the crushes I’ve had…weren’t really crushes at all. I mean they were but they weren’t yknow. Basically I would have these intense feelings/obsessions about someone because I’m trying to compensate/heal the neglect I felt as a kid. And I realized I was kinda neglected as a kid. Not intentionally. My mom was at work a lot and my dad honestly never really grew up himself. So I played by myself a lot. So I’m basically looking for someone that can “fix” me, when really the only person who can do that is…me.

But I still have terrible intrusive thoughts about kids and I hate it. I miss solely having nothing but genuine parental/protective affection for kids and not feeling like there’s some sinister ulterior motive hanging beneath.

But yeah it just feels like I’ve given up and don’t even care and I hate it.

Artninja1995 wrote:So I’m basically looking for someone that can “fix” me, when really the only person who can do that is…me.

Wise.

Sorry you're suffering, though.

It’s ok. I discussed with my OCD therapist that there’s other issues I need to address first before we can even begin to focus on doing ERP. Because ERP just was not working. I think it was partially because I just don’t know what to do with myself while doing exposures and it’s hard to keep focused on what it is I’m supposed to be doing. And partially because I have this intense fear that I’m gonna do this and it’s just gonna make things worse/I’ll learn that it wasn’t really OCD after all. I’ve been told to trust the process but for some reason I just can’t do it. And I keep having this feeling like “you know why you can’t do it. You know it’s not gonna work because this is how you truly feel” and I know that’s not true (of course OCD has to be like “are you sure about that?”)

Also, I’m thinking I just want someone to fix my terrible self esteem, which I know only I can do that. But it’s hard. How can I learn to love myself when I would feel like I’m just playing along and not being serious

No OCD and OCD in two scenes.

(No OCD)

Smell smoke! See smoke! See fire! [Start to panic]

(OCD)

[Start to panic!] Look for smoke. Look for fire. Nothing. But it must be there. Somewhere! [more panic!]

Otter wrote:No OCD and OCD in two scenes.

(No OCD)

Smell smoke! See smoke! See fire! [Start to panic]

(OCD)

[Start to panic!] Look for smoke. Look for fire. Nothing. But it must be there. Somewhere! [more panic!]

Has to be there! Quick, light a match and look for it! Oh no, what if that match started it.....?

Feeling extremely suicidal. Bipolar, ptsd, ocd, being trans, abuse and loneliness has broken me. I don't want to die but i can't keep living.

born2feel wrote:Feeling extremely suicidal. Bipolar, ptsd, ocd, being trans, abuse and loneliness has broken me. I don't want to die but i can't keep living.

Hello and welcome. I'm one of the moderators here. I hope you're feeling a bit better, now. I'm leaving this here rather than moving it to Self-Harm on account of you're posting to OCD, and I think we ideate suicide quite a lot, without it being a serious threat that we're going to go through it- we just want the anxiety to END. At least, I think that's what it is, I know when my anxiety spikes, I will feel suicidal also- but I'm not really, I'm just being OCD and want to be anywhere but inside my own head, you know?

However having said that, if you feel as if you are going to really do something to yourself, please present to ER/A&E without hesitation and let them know you are in danger.