***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

Surprise surprise, when I tried to remind myself that I’ve never ever been attracted to kids or minors I get this sinking feeling like I’m lying, but I know I haven’t???? It feels like it’s now a “well-established fact” when not really, it’s only been a sensation that’s slammed in over the past few months. I typically notice the age old pattern. OCD gives me something to obsess over and I feel like crap for a few weeks (well it’s whittled down to a few days now) and then I’ll eventually compulse myself into being like “nah don’t worry you’re good” and I’ll feel okay for a few days into lol the next big stressor comes. Like I said, the age old cycle of OCD that we all know and loathe.

I know realistically it’s from me just being exhausted from doing this same song and dance for over a year and my brain keeps trying to find more things to disturb me. I know I’ve only ever been attracted to men my age or older (and it’s funny my brain will try to tell me im attracted to both kids and women, which makes no sense. Kinda like how when my TOCD was really bad it would often tell me I could be attracted to guys only if I “admit” I was trans, otherwise I was a lesbian, which again makes absolutely no sense).

Before the spike it seemed like pedophelia was rarely ever mentioned or seen except on true crime shows/edgy comedy shows/occasional Reddit story about someone who’s friends dad was one of their moms new boyfriend was one and that CP was only ever found if you actively looked in the deepest corners of the dark web. Now it feels like it’s everywhere all the time and that it’s apparently almost stupidly easy to stumble upon CP (hearing other people talk, idk how exaggerated this is and I don’t want to find out) and I’m just paranoid about everything. (And of course I get the thought of “well if you stumbled upon it I bet you would look at it” which…no. Just no. That’s gross)

For a while I kinda forgot about the fifty billionth damned shota comics…or not really forgot but didn’t really think about them while in an OCD induced panic, and now they’ve been creeping up more recently, which I do not like.

Ugh can I just go back to how I used to be, when I knew and was confident that I didn’t like what these intrusive thought make me feel. I know it’s impossible but I’d really like for that to happen.

Honestly I'd be far more comfortable with myself if I had a history of finding men attractive because than I could say "oh see this is perfectly.normal your are just overreacting" but no I don't have a history of that sadly. I'd honestly.be better if the things I used to like about women where still the same but no I've literally lost certain things that I used to like about women. I think the only reason I struggle with this so much is because sexuality is a core part of our lives and to have such a massive shift is a very big thing to cope with. I literally get the same anxious feelings I get when I see an attractive man when I see an attractive woman because I associate attraction with anxiety which proves that these attraction are real.

I want to convince myself so badly that this is OCD but the rational part of my brain knows that that's not the case. The main reason I feel sad isn't because of fear (I don't feel that at all) but because I have to give up my past, the only thing stopping me from doing anything with a guy is that sadness I get from knowing I wasn't like this

Day 3,852:

I still feel pretty uneasy the concept.of homosexuality doesn't terrify me that much hadn't really for 7-8 months or so it's just taking a lot to get used to. The thing that scares me the the most (after thinking it over a lot) is the idea that I have to change my life around I don't want to. Homosexuality doesn't feel like the end of the world which saddens me because it means it's not OCD

On the plus side in order to distract myself I've been playing Japanese Job Simulator 1999 other known as Shenmue

Kaleb28 wrote:the concept.of homosexuality doesn't terrify me that much hadn't really for 7-8 months or so

I mean I'm not terrified really, just scared things won't go back to normal

(Trigger Warning)
I was literally tearing up a few minutes ago God am I envious of those of you that have OCD I'm stuck like this forever and there is nothing I can do about it my sexuality has literally changed I was repulsed by men for seven years now I really want one, there hot (especially there chests) I can masterbate to them I literally read a gay man's post got horny and masterbated and I find the idea of kissing a woman disgusting (which I used to love before) I am everybody's worst nightmare God are you lucky to have OCD

Kaleb28 wrote:God am I envious of those of you that have OCD

Says the man who is obsessing and posting to OCD....

Try to hold judgment until you get to those appointments...

Snaga wrote:Says the man who is obsessing and posting to OCD....

Try to hold judgment until you get to those appointments

I mean I think the best I can do is mentally prepare myself for the worse and hope for the best

And part of that is being ok with my current feelings. It angers me that I can't be ok with it, but than it makes me feel uneasy when I feel more normal with my current feelings, It makes me think that there's a world we're I can actually live with it. I'm going to leave it at that. Knowing myself I have a tendency to extend things beyond reasonable limits haha

I have 1 week until my appointment, thise is gonna be the longest week of my life

Welp, back again with the OCD that’s even worse. It’s like I almost genuinely feel like I’ve “warmed up” to the idea and I hate it. I know I keep saying that every time but it just keeps happening. Which, of course it will, it’s OCD, it’ll keep going in an endless loop. But like if I try to check to see if I like the thoughts I get this feeling like I do but I would never do anything like that! And I know I never had that before (even though it tries to say it’s always been there when I know it hasn’t). If I was really an actual, I wouldn’t have felt immense relief from compulsing myself to conclude I wasn’t. And my attraction to who I actually like is still just gone. Not to mention the SO-OCD has been coming back too. I’m just so confused anymore. Like I know I’ve been horrified and sickened by the concept of CP and the paraphilia. Also didn’t help that apparently two actors that I love were listed on the manifest for E*steins plane (which I’m not sure I truly believe, cause like why did the pilot continue to fly the planes if he knew what was going on???) but I still feel really sad nonetheless) and it’s just like…why does it even exist? And why does it seem like more and more people are getting caught? (I know it probably is partially because it’s constantly on my brain so it will feel like it’s just everywhere). But I know I was happy being attracted to older and same age guys. I know I mostly knew what I wanted in a partner, both romantically and sexually, and I was comfortable in what I liked sexually. But not that’s all just gone out the window.

It’s weird though, it’s doing that thing where it’s telling me like “you can either be attracted to underage guys or adult women”, similar to what I’ve mentioned before when I was dealing with TOCD “you can like guys but that means you’re trans, otherwise you’re a lesbian.” Which makes absolutely no sense (of course it won’t make sense, it’s OCD).

I’m sorry if this was just a bunch of nonsensical ramblings. My brain is just really fried

I've been feeling better this week the thoughts are still arousing (I don't expect that to go away) but there isn't as much anxiety, I guess it pays to not check. I'll be talking to the psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm pretty scared I hope they'll still think it's OCD though I have my doubts