***How Are You Feeling Today???*** (may trigger)

I just recently Registered at the local community College. God do I hate the process, it's so tedious. And on top of that nothing, absolutely nothing is explained clearly. I had to email a bunch of different people just to get clearer answers, ugh. I'm so happy to be done with that for now. I also don't feel very stressed out right now. It's funny, I very rarely feel ok, I honestly feel better being stressed out on some level. The stress gives me some security in knowing that I'm not certain about my sexuality, I'd rather feel uncertain about it because at the very least if I go one way or the other it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility in my mind.

Sometimes there are things I fear to say here because they will be taken the wrong way.

But if you think about it....

Kaleb28 wrote: I honestly feel better being stressed out on some level.

If we were talking about alcohol. Or drugs. Or porn. Or sexual activity.

Would we not think 'that person's addicted'?

It's often come to mind, that we often seem to act as if we're addicted to our anxiety. Not saying that's what it is. Just saying, sometimes it sure seems like it.

Snaga wrote:It's often come to mind, that we often seem to act as if we're addicted to our anxiety. Not saying that's what it is. Just saying, sometimes it sure seems like it.

I agree to some extent, especially with people in the ocd forum. For us (them?) Anxiety seems to be a way of confirming that our fears are irrational. We get used to it for so long that when we aren't anxious it tends to feel weird. I know in my case when I don't feel stressed out, i end up dreading the next stressful episode and that's why I don't like feeling... comfortable? For lack of a better word. For me I do my best to not be certain in what I want. It's the inverse of most people with ocd. They want definitive answers. And yet when I'm given the option to get a definitive answer, I get scared, like my life will be ruined if I confirm my anxieties. For me that is the root of my stress and anxeity

Kaleb28 wrote: For me I do my best to not be certain in what I want. It's the inverse of most people with ocd. They want definitive answers. And yet when I'm given the option to get a definitive answer, I get scared, like my life will be ruined if I confirm my anxieties. For me that is the root of my stress and anxeity

I'm not so sure there's as much difference as you think. With OCD, in this forum anyway, folks often don't want to accept an answer, despite clamoring for one. And being afraid of the 'wrong' answer. I feel as if this is splitting hairs.

Kaleb28 wrote:We get used to it for so long that when we aren't anxious it tends to feel weird.

Yes. How many times have people in this forum gotten anxious because they stop feeling anxious? More than a couple...

I’m feeling really manic right now.

I don’t even know how to fully explain how messed up everything feels, except I just want to cry and I feel like the world is laughing at me and punishing me.

So I guess it started with the Encanto characters again, and the sick people making very inappropriate art (shipping a fifty year old man with his UNDERAGE niece, and these people are prolific and unapologetic. They fail to see ANYTHING wrong with this, and their excuse is “they’re just cartoon characters i don’t support this in real life.” I DONT CARE. YOU DO NOT DO THAT CRAP. ITS INAPPROPRIATE AND WRONG. It’s really hard not to accidentally stumble across it too, and my OCD of course has to be like “hey you’re starting to like that now. You think it makes sense.” No! No it does not make ANY SENSE! And I do not like it one bit! (See now my OCD is also going “why the f*** you lyin’, stop f****** lyin’” but I’m NOT! And there’s no resisting feeling like there used to be which makes it even worse.)

Another thing that happened was I went to my works company picnic (as much as I didn’t really want to, but there was a chance to win a trip to Disney and I haven’t been there since I was really little and it’s the only way you can enter to win) and there were a lot of kids there (unsurprising, also partially why I didn’t want to go) I happened to see this little girl take a sip of her drink and my brain goes “you thought that was hot” NO I did NOT. I’ve seen little kids do that thousands of times, STFU.

Then tonight at work I had a train of thought that began (sort of) innocently. I had remembered finding out years ago that a VA in an anime I watched got caught with CP (which made one line in an ep way more disturbing than it was supposed to be in hindsight) and I was like “why do some adults think it’s okay to prey on kids? Like why do they like that? Why does it even exist?” And my brain suddenly goes “you know why. Because it’s taboo and you secretly think it’s hot” NO! NO! NO!!!

Also doesn’t help that I’ve been getting worried that I’m becoming a sex addict. I’ve probably brought this up before but it’s like…I read a lot of smutty fanfiction and consume a lot of smutty art, but it’s not the only thing I consume. There’s times where I desperately want cute, innocent stuff like fics about characters realizing they’re in love/confessing/ telling that they’re pregnant/ or just wholesome family things. Also silly fics/comics. Especially ones that are like meme formats where km like “yup they would totally do that!” And very rarely about sad things (I read a fic that involved the death of a dog and the owner grieving afterwards and I sobbed because I had to put my dog down a few months ago and it’s still really raw). But I also listen to smutty audio, like role play sort of things where it’s someone pretending they’re having sex with me (pre-recorded of course) and there’s cuteness sprinkled in too. But I looked up the signs of becoming addicted to sex and it’s like I was suddenly feeling all of the signs at once (I know I know, OCD strikes again. Didn’t think about it until just now). But like I sometimes worry about the amount of sexual things I consume. I mean I don’t really sneak around with those things (except around my family cause that would just be embarrassing if they knew). But there are times when I feel like I constantly need to masturbate and even the slightest thing that has nothing to do with anything sexual could cause me to orgasm (and you can see how my OCD could go nuts with that one). Part of me wonders if it’s me trying to live vicariously through the characters because I’ve never had a serious relationship before and never been intimate with someone before and I’m really lonely…and part of me wonders if it’s a result of my abysmally low self esteem.

Honestly I haven’t been in touch with my OCD therapist lately. I’ve been to focused on getting into a good rhythm at work that I forget to keep checking in with her. So she closed my file but said that if I needed to start treatment again I could. I sent her a message because I think I really do need it. Honestly I need a lot of treatment. Not just with OCD. I have insurance now so I can start getting the ball rolling. Also doesn’t help that I’ve been out of my meds this past week or so, and that probably isn’t helping.

Tl;dr I’ve been off my meds cause I ran out and keep forgetting to ask for more and my OCD is going bonkers with the same crap that it pulls all the time and I apparently haven’t learned a thing

Also realizing that I compulse way more often than I think I do. I think most of the intrusive thoughts I have are me conjuring them up to “test” myself and then when I don’t get the reaction I wanted I freak out.

Idk I’m just really scared and I wish I could rip these “feelings” out of my chest. I miss how I used to be. I miss when I was super confident I didn’t like this stuff (oh boy and here comes the OCD peanut gallery going like “yeah you always liked this, stop lying to yourself”)

I know the thin on I need to do is to just let the thoughts and feeling wash over me and just let them be and they’ll go away on their own but…I just…I can’t do it. I wish they weren’t there in the first place. I know thoughts really mean nothing and neither do feelings but my brain just can’t seem to agree with that (of course it won’t, it’s plagued by ocd. Throw the whole brain out into the garbage). And I still curse myself for looking at that freaking shota. Again if I hadn’t looked at that crap none of this would be happening. (Not true it probably would still happen, it’s just wishful thinking on my part)

I just feel so nasty and gross rn. Just earlier today I was feeling sort of okay and then that train of thought from earlier happened and now here I am :/

Not feeling good today, scoob.

It really just feels like these “feelings” have taken over and are now my desires when I know they never used to be. I just hate this so much. I know realistically that can’t happen, and I hope to god I didn’t just discover that I actually do like that. I know I’ve felt disgusted by it before.

I’m starting up therapy again, so I hope I can actually get through this time.

I’m still questioning things as far as my sexuality goes. I’m pretty sure I’ve only ever had crushes on guys, but most if not all wet dream I’ve had only involve other women. Any dream that involves men was wholesome and it made me very happy, but almost never risqué. It’s really weird. I’ve never really desired to be with another woman.

Oh I am feeling so many things I don’t even know where to start. I finally thought my OCD had gone away. But no, it’s come back again with a different theme. I know I am not what my thoughts say I am, and when I am calm and rational with zero anxiety I can even roll my eyes at myself. But when the creative thoughts come through, the ones that scare the c**p out of me, or the ones that feel very real and make me question who I am; at that point I don’t know who or what I am. It’s scary, especially when I am going through harm OCD this time.I am stressed, sad because I am not what my thoughts say I am. I never have been and I don’t ever wanna be. The anxiety waxes and wanes and so fo the thoughts, but I am constantly waiting for it to get worse. For that panic to set in where I feel out of control and feel like I actually can act on these thoughts (when really I am not capable of it). Idk if I have impulse control disorder (I have never had impulsivity issues). But my thoughts sometimes definitely fo feel like urges and impulses to act. I am so scared of that. But better days are not far away. For all of us. Keep going because we are stronger than our thoughts and we are not our thoughts.

I think it's a mistake to think that OCD ever goes away. Much better to think of lapses in anxiety spikes as being in remission. I have a feeling OCD is managed, not cured, or fade away.

At least, to me that's the safe assumption.

So it's harm OCD now? I'm not surprised. I rather feel as if POCD is only partly sexual in nature and has some overlap with harm themes.

Remember that if such thoughts were something you'd act on, you'd have done it. You are in control, not those thoughts.

Gwendolyn wrote:But my thoughts sometimes definitely fo feel like urges and impulses to act. I am so scared of that

When thoughts are confused with desires, it is important to check your thoughts with practice. To acquire experiences of loss of control. That's what makes our mind more stable