Alter in love was a mystery to me

Great job, Una. Congrats. Thanks for sharing this story.

MDs

Well, I thought I was pretty much done with DID, moved on. But no. Twice last night I woke up screaming, scaring the crap out of myself and my husband. The adrenaline rush was something else. The second time I realized the bedroom door was slightly ajar and making a tiny noise as air movements pulled it against the frame. This is something that often annoys me but never before triggered anything. This time I felt the terror inside.

I am so glad that this is happening now, when I know all about DID. If I didn't know, I might have done what many survivors do: assume the person in bed with me or in the home with me, or something else in the here and now, is somehow responsible.

While I am here, an update about the colleague from back in February. It got weirder. He grew more hot and cold, more and more unavailable, and I confronted him again about his increasingly erratic behavior. He gave non denial denials and other deflections. Then he sent me a long devalue and discard text message, about how I totally misunderstood his behavior, he was just trying to make sure I did not think he was into me, and I am too weird and he wants nothing to do with me. It was blatant projection. In a text.

Men, if any male friend tells you to get out of an unwanted infatuation by acting like you don't want her, acting like an asshole toward her, ignore them. Women are not fooled by that very old, very juvenile tactic. You will just prove you are an infatuated asshole.

Una+ wrote:Well, I thought I was pretty much done with DID, moved on. But no. Twice last night I woke up screaming, scaring the crap out of myself and my husband. The adrenaline rush was something else. The second time I realized the bedroom door was slightly ajar and making a tiny noise as air movements pulled it against the frame. This is something that often annoys me but never before triggered anything. This time I felt the terror inside.

Una, sorry for that experience, but not sorry you're getting a reminder that someone is still in pain. They (and you) deserve rescue, of course. Are there any changes you're looking at yet for how to deal with this? (Your hubby is a trooper!)

I've wanted so desperately to be over all this and be "normal." For weeks, everything in my life feels so secure, I wanted to believe we're close to healing. We're on our way, but to support what I see in occasional moments of clarity -- that we still have a LOT of work remaining -- I had my son do a printout (4 feet by 3 feet) of my system with every alter and a brief description of why they're here. This huge poster hangs above my bed as a reminder of how much work remains and for whom. Not a solution for everyone probably.

Thanks, Johnny-Jack. I don't have a therapist currently; I have not found anyone who is even remotely appropriate.

This week I woke up screaming again, and I said I had the wrong pillow. Okay... My best guess is another part that has been "sleeping" is surfacing; waking up in a strange place is very scary. It must feel like a nightmare.

So, there is a risk of middle of the night elopement in a fugue state. I need to implement a safety plan beyond what is already in place. In the event of an elopement I would probably be wearing only whatever I wore to bed that night. No shoes.

• I will use a pillowcase like the one I had as a child.
• I will get a medical alert bracelet or necklace to wear at night.
• I will talk with neighbors to find out who has security cameras viewing the street.
• I will find or create a handout that explains dissociative fugue states.
• I will orient someone in the local police department so it is established in advance that if I go AWOL it is a vulnerable adult situation requiring immediate response.
• If I go AWOL my husband will call emergency services immediately.

Just wanted to let you know that we're thinking of you, Una, and sending our support.

MDs

How are you doing? Your safety plan looks good, hope its not needed and you will stay safe.

I completed some of the tasks in the safety plan I posted back in November. And I came up with some other tasks. A month has passed and so far there has not been another incident.

On reflection, the screaming is a good thing. Screaming is not silent fleeing. Screaming wakes up other people, who can respond. I am concentrating on teaching my family what to do, especially what to say to public safety responders if I leave the house in a fugue.

During my recent crisis in the summer apparently I kept leaving the house. At first not clothed and then apparently when told to dress I did. Apparently it seemed like I didn't realize I needed to be clothed. I walked around the block. My bf followed me because he was worried I would just walk off but apparently I just kept walking round and round the block. To me it sounds like trying to orientate myself in the surroundings I was in. Then apparently I said I was 14 or 22, I can't remember now, and I wouldn't speak to any official person. The bf said I would talk normally to him, I seemed lucid, but if anyone else spoke to me I said nothing. When I walked Infront of a bus they put me in hospital. I remember not really understanding why I was at a hospital but I find it odd I ignored the staff because I'm not rude. I'm still not 100% sure if it was one alter or a couple of alters who were not up to date with current life but they definitely didn't know what was going on.

Your plan sounds great. I have a crisus plan but it sounds really useful to make sure relevent people know that if you wander off that you're a vulnerable adult, I may add that to mine.

Wow, Sarandipity, I am glad you came through that safely!

Here it is months later. It is all quiet inside, and I have been focusing on more external self care. I have an intake appointment with a new group of therapists for the PTSD. Fingers crossed that they can adjust to the extra complexity of PTSD and DID. If not, I can at least offer books to read, other therapists to go to for supervision, etc.

Some of my self care I've had to put on hold due to the coronavirus, but I have made good forward progress on some of the rest.