Alter in love was a mystery to me

BeccaBee wrote:is alter 2 still in love with the other man?

Well... I have come to appreciate that "in love" covers a lot of emotional territory. It is fair to say her original emotion was longing, and he was her object. But longing for what exactly? She was an identity fragment with no prior life experience so what exactly did she want from him? She wanted him to return to the void where she was trapped and be with her or take her away with him. She wanted human contact. Don't we all? At first she had literally no idea that anyone else existed. He and the void were her entire world, and she had no sense of self apart from the longing for him. Nor was her longing even remotely erotic. Other parts of me experience erotic, sexual feelings, but she did not.

The longing remains, and he remains the object, but post fusion longing is far from her/our dominant emotion. Chief among them has been remorse, guilt, grief. Some working through continues even now, years later. None of this experience is in any way her fault. She is utterly blameless. Others among us may have sinned, but she is innocent.

I still maintain that she was created by an accidental (?) projective identification from him. So what did he want? And why? How much did that have to do with me? Is he walking through life throwing off introjects into other people?

Thank you for continuing to update. This post gives me insight into how a system can work, and shows how increasing integration can increase the experience of ambiguity. I guess this goes with getting beyond black-and-white feeling and thinking patterns. Wishing you well in your ongoing journey.

Yes, with integration there does come ambiguity, at least for a time. Certain dilemmas that previously did not seem to exist, because parts of me saw only one side or the other, now are very prominent. And seemingly intractable dilemmas may turn out to have solutions.

A few months ago I did another round of self-assessments, including a new one, the Compass of Shame Scale (CoSS; see link below). Despite years of self work, my problem behaviors continue: avoidance and withdrawal. So I decided to focus on them.

This week I did another Impact of Events Scale (Revised). The IES-R is used in the diagnosis of acute traumatic stress and PTSD.

Back in 2011 when I first came here my IES-R score was 68 out of a possible 88. Severe distress. My subscores were: intrusions 29 out of 32, avoidance 15 out of 32, hyperarousal 24 out of 24. My scores and my actual distress would have been even higher except that I was in therapy specifically for PTSD, not avoiding, so I couldn't score the avoidance items very high. This is ironic because it seemed to me at the time that talking about events leading to my crisis, thinking about them, etc. was causing distress. So avoiding would have been better, healthier, right? It felt that way but no, everything I read said avoidance was a problem. Those first months of therapy were incredibly awful but I am so glad I stuck it out. (I was getting appropriate therapy; that is crucial.) The trick was to calm down and stabilize in safety without resorting to avoidance.

Now, late 2016, my score is 12. INT 6, AVD 3, HYP 3. I have been avoiding less certain matters I need to face but that means higher stress: more reminders, more triggers. Still, the score is only 12 not 68. The intrusions are a bit high but once I deal with some stuff they should go back down. And the AVD score reminds me I need to make some phone calls.

In 2011, could I have avoided even less and faced more? Frankly, no. At the time the intrusions and hyper-arousal were so severe that I barely managed in my day to day functioning.


DID Forum: Compass of Shame Scale

thank you for the update. what an incredible difference!

Do you think her influence was to keep things organized? Why is it still going lmao! Basically, without having read all of it....The different people reconnecting why this alter had some much love for some one. The best thing she could of have said his problem was her problem or same gender people don't understand that with this inner world communication stuff it is very much a problem. I like how you put that. I would have used that love for me, love me first then we will worry about the external...For me, i had problem with self love I draw confidence from others inside one of the great ways to notice the benefits.

Wow, this thread has gone almost 5 months without an update. I forgot all about it! And now it has 45,000 views, another Wow! My signature links to it, but that's about all. A web search returns no public links to it from outside the DID Forum but there may be links from password-protected sites.

Team78, to answer your question: No, this alter's influence was not to organize anything and her longing for this other person was not directly about the other person except, as I maintain even now, her longing originally belonged to the other person. That gets into some very theoretical stuff.

I still have some therapy work to do to be fully "well" but there is no urgency. Also no therapist! I keep looking...

i wonder if you would feel free to share about how you interview possible new Ts.
we have 4 appointments with possible helpers within the next 10 days.
i really want to keep us from wasting our time but most of all from getting hurt too much by Ts who claim they can help but then they dont know their $#%^.
we've dealt with those conversations before but it took us more than an hour to find out if the T is really qualified or at least willing to learn and i was hoping that you could share how to get there more quickly and with less casualties

Re finding an appropriate therapist the Sidran Institute has good advice. On their resources page for survivors (link) read "How to Choose a Therapist for Post-Traumatic Stress and Dissociative Conditions" in English or Spanish.

Recently I began again looking for a therapist. I met some lovely, skilled, caring people but when it comes to DID they just don't get it. Example: One listened to me outline the internal conflict that I continue to struggle with then brushed it aside, telling me never mind that, he's more interested in talking about my childhood. Argh!

I have a case manager helping me now, but the resources are slim indeed. At least the case manager is asking me the right kinds of questions, following up, and learning. I have introduced her to the DES including the adolescent and child versions, and to some other resources. I suspect what is going on here is that I am helping her help other clients who are struggling with dissociation. This is good but does not help me directly.

More and more therapists are contacting me, asking for referrals: for themselves seeking supervision or consultation, and for their highly dissociative clients who need a therapist with experience diagnosing and treating DID.

This is progress but it sure isn't linear!