Husband had an affair, please help

Thanks Lark,

I am trying to get things figured out and understand him now, in ways that I have NEVER been able to understand him before. That's such a good idea, I will write them letters letting them know that I am here. I know that they may have trouble trusting me because after the affair, things were horrible. I was talking so down to him, filing divorce papers, I left and went out of town for 2 weeks, and even hitting him out of being so angry. And, my husband, or an alter or two, has made it known that they don't really trust me.

Ok, now I try to tell my husband when he's being distant, cold or mean, and he denies it. He( or someone) tells me that he's not doing anything, he's not being etc, etc,. So, it's very difficult, but I am definitely going to try this.

So, thanks you so much

It is really hard for us to admit that we are being distant.
It makes us feel like we are being bad, or that you are a bad person for distancing yourself. Also if people recognize that we are being distant it means our facade has been seen through.
I don't know if this is the same for your husband, but I thought I might give you some insight as to how we react when people tell us we are being distant.

But then I get over my own selfishness and accept their help.

I hope this helps.
Amber

Well I'd also distance myself and have a hard time trusting someone after they scolded me, threatened to leave me, and smacked me on the way out. So I wouldn't call it selfish, so much as being afraid of that person, and probably a lot of self-hatred.

Lark, I think you are right. My husband has such a hard time dealing with not being in control of his mind. That seems to be what he talks about most. So, I can see him not wanting to admit or maybe not even believing that he's, "out of control", so to speak, even if he's being distant. And it does help me tremendously to hear what you all have to say, because my husband says a lot of the things you all say, and for whatever reason, it's always more believable hearing it from someone else. So, thanks.

Ok, Bates, now my husband is a genius, who has a very high IQ. He makes video games for a living, and it's very hard work. Now, the things that I did before were all BEFORE I found out about this split. Why wouldn't he be able to see my reactions were because of the affair and not because he can't trust me? It's like he doesn't remember that I can be trusted and have done a lot for him, for all of them. I have taken him back repeatedly for the times that he has cheated in the past, took care of him for the 4 years that he was out of worked, cooked, cleaned, loved them all unconditionally. The most he ever received from me was talking to, or arguments, about the things that he was doing wrong or needed to be doing to help me with his children, but still love never the less. So, why would I be the one that can't be trusted? I feel like I have proven myself worthy of that, despite my reaction to the affair .

Just cuz you recently discovered his DID DOES NOT mean he hasn't been this way for a very long time. Maybe an important women in his life ###$ him over, and now he has a distrust for all women or maybe a certain type. Or even its not really his own distrust so much as his alters who hold his memories of pain.

i hope you don't take offends to this, because i care and would like to help if i can. you mention the "affair" a lot, are you sure you are over it? (second stupid question) you mentioned he has a sex addiction. are the kids safe around him? i hope so! it's normal for us to have an alter that is very sexual, but not one that looks at everything sexually. that is a trait more common with pediphiles or sexual deviants.

you mentioned wanting him to help take care of the kids. even if his intentions are good, he may be afraid to be around kids. i would never hurt a child, but i didn't want to be around kids for the longest time. certain ages especially, would bring back horrible memories. i love children, and would protect them with my life, but don't have a clue when it comes to raising them. no one ever showed me the right way to do it. it's painful and hard to admit something like that.

i don't hate kids, but fear keeps me at a distance at times. it's that way with other people too. sometimes i just need space. when growing up, closeness often meant something bad was going to happen to us. running away to be by myself was safe. that's not going to go away over night.

i'm sure it is hard to deal with someone multiple personalities, and it's good that you want to get to know the various alters. but.... having d.i.d. is very hard. i've been trying to understand mine for years. it's not that easy. eg. one still wants to stay in denial, no matter how much i learn about it. it's terrifing to lose time, having alters pop in and out, not know if you're coming or going. IT REALLY SUCKS BIG TIME!!!!

like bates said, communication, communication! i have only one person i trust enough to share my "problem" with. he helps me remember things, is patient when i get confused, and listens when i need to talk. he dosen't freak out. he encourages me to talk about things that bother me, and dosen't say "well, that's stupid". one of the biggest fears for most of us is to be unvalidated. why would anyone open up if they were made to feel like they didn't matter. like, so you had a rotten childhood, get over it! i'm not saying you would do that, but for us the fear of getting re-injured is very real. oh my! what if i cry! that's not being strong ! i might switch to that helpless child! oh no! i'm a freak! god this is so hard to face! i'm lucky to have a great partner!

BENNY

Hey Bates,

Yeah, I know, and I guess it's hard to keep remembering that this is not new, just recently discovered. I guess the not knowing what caused this or why he has this bothers me a lot. So, tell me, if these are all parts of him, just fragmented, wouldn't these make up who he is as a whole?

Hey Benny,

Your questions aren't stupid at all, they are actually right on point and I am glad that you asked them. I know that I do mention the affair a lot, but I guess it's because it is what brought the DID to light, and I am over it only as much as I can be, if that makes sense. Well, I am not worried about him being around the children. I am not sure why, but he has never been close to the children. He has always been really mean, or cold, even to them, so he pretty much has stayed away from them, where they would always go places with me. They never liked to be around him. Now-a-days, however, he's better and oddly, the sex addicted alter has hibernated. My husband was obsessed with sex, but now it's like, according to him, he only hears voices "coaching" him to look at women sexually. But, I have noticed the change. No more gropping, grabbing, forcing me to have sex, making sexual inuendos, all of that has stopped. Now, as far as watching porn, looking at women sexually, masterbating, fantasizing about other women, he says that he doesn't do that anymore. He gets the "urges" and voices telling him to look at porn and women, but he swears that he doesn't. But, if an alter takes over, would he know if he has looked at porn, matsterbated, etc?

You are absolutely right. I have thought that in the past from a movie that I saw where the man had been sexually abused as a child and didn't want to get close to his children because he was afraid that it could happen. So, he was mean, cold and distant. That could be why my husband has been that way all of these years, or an alter has.

Thanks for bringing this up. I do try not to over react and think like "my goodness, what if one of the alters do something to the kids" because I love my kids so much that I think that would cause me to his the door running . But, what I do is, try think logically and maturely and since the relationship between my husband and the kids is starting to get better, I keep them with me if I know he has a headache, or I notice a change in him. It's still a chore for him to not disconnect, so he never ask me to leave the kids with him anyway.

Thanks so much for you words and concern, that too makes me feel better to know that people who live with this also think some of the same things I have before.

good, i'm glad you understand. i know kids always seem to think everything is their fault. sometimes they put on a brave front when it comes to loving parents. it might comfort them to talk to a qualified professional.

i hope you and your husband can heal together, and life gets better soon. there will be ups and downs. don't get discouraged. i've always found that when things are at their worst, a break through is right around the corner.

peace & love
benny