Husband had an affair, please help

Also try to find a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists get paid to medicate the problem, and remember there is no medication for DID.
They do not get paid to listen to and help you figure out your problems, although some psychs do try on occasion.
5-30 minutes is standard timing in a psychiatrists office.
A psychologist on the other hand will listen for the full 50 minutes. they will suggest different things to try, different books to read and new ways to handle problems.
Together a psychiatrist and psychologist make an amazing mental health team for someone with DID.

Also be careful of what your husband is taking for headaches normally psychiatrists are not liscensed to prescribe headache medication or medicinces for migraines. You generally need to see your regular doctor and then be referred to a specialist for migraines and headaches.

Hope this helps.
Amber

Oh jeez, I overlooked the fact your hubby is seeing a psychiatrist versus a psychologist. ###$ the pill doctor. Pill doctors don't help people, they turn them into zombies. Get a psychologist, someone who will actually talk to your husband.

Hi again Lark

Yes, we found out very quickly that all this doc was good for was giving medication that did absolutely nothing for his headaches. So, he was referred to a psychologist who he saw today and told him everything. Now he has to go in to get a cat scan to make sure the headaches are physiological, so I guess the ruling out phase begins. Thanks for the advice, I'll pass the word along!

Ok Bates, and everyone else that can help me with this. How in the world do I deal with the different alters? It is so frustrating to deal with my husband when he is distant or mean, irritated, or agitated.I try to give him his space, but if I leave and go to a friends house or talk on the phone, he feels like I am putting him second to everyone else. He would rather have me sit around the house, while the funky alter is out, ignoring me and being very short. What do I do? Also, he seems to be slowly but surely falling back into his old habits of being distant, the closer that I try to get to him. When I was ignoring him and not talking to him(them) they were trying really hard to please me and "make things right". Now that I am trying to fix this broken marriage, I can feel him closing back up again. It's like, I get a better response when I am telling him what a piece of crap he is, vs. telling him how much I love him and showing him some affection.

Communication! Communication is EVERYTHING! Not just with him, you HAVE to try talking to the other alters! Learn as much as you can from/about them. Don't just focus on helping your husband, you're dealing with multiple people. You have to take the time to focus on each alter as well as your husband. It sounds overwhelming, but with a little patience, you CAN do this.

Ok, that I can do. I am always talking about somthing surrounding DID with my husband anyway. Anyway, now how to I talk to the others. I have tried to ask names and ages and I get nothing, or I'll get a joke made. The only one that really comes out and talks is the angry one. Also, while watching an episode of Big Love, my husband was triggered by one of the lady's saying "I want a Godly man". We don't know why, but all of sudden he asked me "Could there have just been an alter here during the past hour"? and I am like What?!? He couldn't remember what happened on that 1 hour show. So, I asked him his age and he says "12, really?" He said it as if someone said it to him, not as if he were answering my question. Is this how the alters talk too? Or was that my husband answering my question and just hearing them talk?

Guess they're being stubborn. Ask the angry one if they could convince the others to start talking to you.

Nope, alters will talk to you straight, cuz when they're in charge, they're in charge. The alter was just talking to your husband. When the core communicates with the alters mentally, it's called inner talking.

I don't know if i can help or not, but can only share my own experience. I've been dx with d.i.d.. I've also been happily married 8yrs. and sober 12yrs. so it's possible! Alcohol made me blackout a lot. Alters i didn't want to come out had free reign, without my knowlege, and kept me in denial of what had happen to me in the past, and a threat to myself and others. It's like playing with fire. I have not cheated on anyone since i've been sober. Instead of booze, try music, a book or movie. something that doesn't alter your mind.

When i get triggered i want to escape, any way i can. Staying sober and using something other than alcohol, has helped "us" stay in control of our actions, but we still need to deal with the feeling. I've tried therapy, and it's helped some. Being able to trust my huband, and communicate with him has helped the most. I can't trust someone after just spending an hour with them, that's crazy. When i'm trigger i try to ground myself with my husband, and try to talk about what i'm feeling. Many times when frightened, a child alter comes out. One that holds very unpleasant memories, that the rest of us aren't ready to deal with. following that, i get a rush of adrenalin and a protective alter comes out with the need to take over and control whatever is "threatening" me.

Having a loving husband and a "safe" place, has allowed me to slowly bring out the dreaded nightmare of my past to the surface. The child that holds memories would rather run, than face the fear, and has no coping skills what so ever, only alters. It is a terrifing, long, and painful ordeal to go through. To be of any help, it's all or nothing.

My husband has had to put up with a lot, but i can say we are closer than any couple i know. I couldn't have made it without him. He showed me i could trust him with my life, and in return i would never do anything to hurt him or betray that trust. He's my rock. It's a big responsibility and not for the faint at heart. You have a choice of whether or not you want to go through it. Unfortunately he doesn't, for whatever ungodly reason. If you stay, please get counceling for your children! There's only so much you can do to help them understand, and there may be things they're afraid to ask, thinking it would offend you.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do! Best wishes to you all!
Benny

ps. Keep in touch!

Hi Benny

Thanks so much for taking the time to help me out, I really appreciate it. Surprisingly my husband has never been addicted to alcohol or drugs, his addiction came in the form of sex. Porn, masterbation, sex, talking about sex, looking at almost all women sexually(family members or not), etc. So, drinking for us was occassional and we no longer do it anymore. We know now that drinking only makes things worse, eventhough he's admitted to me that there's already a "loose" alter around, even before he drinks, edging him on to get women drunk.

Anyway, I guess the hardest thing to deal with is I have suffered tremendously for 8 years now with having to deal with mood swings, cheating, ignoring me, loving me, hating me, etc. etc. So, I don't know if I have it in me, or how much more I have in me, now knowing about DID, to put up with whatever is to come until he's integrated or gets them under control.

I love him a lot and I am so sad and hurt by whatever horrible thing that has happened to him, but I grew up with a mother with Schizoprhenia, so I have delt with this type of relationship all of my life. I can't lie, I am ready to be happy. I too and tired of suffering.

I know the distance thing is probably one of the hardest things you will go through. All you are doing is trying to help, (and it does help!) but all he can understand in the moment is closing off and putting up defenses. Everything right now dealing with being Dx'ed and your rocky marriage, is triggering. He feels like he needs to hold on to his defenses (switching and dissociating) more than every... like you are trying to take them away (even though you are just trying to deal and help him cope)

My advice would be to let the alters know you are there for them, and back off. Write them and your husband notes of encouragement, and protection but don't push them to talk to you. When they trust you they will talk to you.

Tell your husband that when he is distant and closed off you cannot help him. Tell him that you understand that those qualities are part of his defenses, but in order for you to help him he is going to have to learn to trust you and be able to put faith in the fact that you are there to help him. Otherwise it is just going to put a greater distance between the two of you. Tell him you are willing to sit with him in the mud. To hold his hand and go through all the bad stuff. You want to know why the angry alter is angry and why the child one is there. Tell him you want to help, but he has to let you.

Do NOT feel guilty about taking time for yourself. That is one of the best things you can do for you and your husband and your family. Otherwise you are going to get burnt out really fast and you will not be able to help him.
Tell him that if you don't get that time, then you will not be very good for him when he needs you.
Take care of yourself and your children first. Then your husband. He does come last out of the 3 because he is an adult and has the capability of functioning on his own.

I hope this helps.
~Amber