Husband had an affair, please help

by **Pookie Bear** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:54 pm

It can be very scary for your husband to be experiencing so many changes. DID Sourcebook is a good book that explains alot. If you have not read it, consider doing so. Chances are good that there is something that he is repressing because DID just doesn't happen. I have found that whatever event happened will surface when the person is ready to deal with it. Good luck and keep us posted on how it is going.

Pookie

the way you described it initially in this post its obvious you are frustrated, and the way its worded sounds like you are trying to make him look like a liar. granted, he may not have DID and hes just rationalizing cheating on you cause once every blue moon he needs to ###$ something different. and theres no magic test to prove if someones multiple or not. i think you should do what bates said, find a therapist who specializes in DID and both go see that person and start working things out, help him get his alters under control, help save your relationship from dissapearing due to a mental disorder.

control over ones alters, is step one to being able to function properly in society.

by **mrslspinks** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 3:59 pm

Hello Pookie Bear

Thanks so much for responding to me. I do have the DID sourcebook, it was actually the very first book that I read and it was/is very, very helpful. When I don't look at the affair, and focus on the rest of his life I feel quite sad for him. My husband started running away from home at 11, with no apparent reason of doing so and continued until he was out of the house. He gets these horrible, horrible migranes that immobilize him to a point where he can't do anything but go to sleep. I feel so bad for him and I want to help him, but I guess, on the other hand, I get confused by the things that he does or says. Yes, I am sure that it will surface, but there is one alter we call "the angry one", that my husband is terrified of letting come out completely and talk. He thinks that he will die if he lets him take over, so he fights as hard as he can against that one. But thanks again for your advice.

by **mrslspinks** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:05 pm

Hi Jonh21

I must admit it is rather frustrating. I get moment where I think "why in the world wouldn't you have told me this BEFORE we were married" but he swears that he told me about the nightmares and the "split" in his brain. But yes, you are absolutely right. I am trying really hard to stick this out and be there to help him through it all, but I really hope that I never have to endure another affair. I couldn't handle that, at all. I grew up in a home with a schizophrenic, alcoholic, drug addicted mother, and it was very unhappy. I never thought that my unhappiness would continue. Anyway, thanks so much for all of your advice, again, it helps me so much to actually talk with others with this disorder...especially when you all say the things that my husband and the others, have said.

by **Mr. Bates** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:30 pm

lalalark2 wrote:I can't speak for everyone, and I don't think I am an expert, but from experience and research I will answer to the best of my knowledge.

Will my husband ever remember what caused him to develop DID?
This is dependent mainly upon your husband, his alters, cooperation, and if they are ready and willing to do the work. I think that most people with DID remember the abuse as they are ready and able to handle the memories. Having a memory is sometimes just as painful as living through it. When you were a child you were not strong enough to live through the abuse so you create an alternate personality to handle the abuse for you. As an adult you are physically and mentally stronger and (theoretically) ready to handle those memories. while you may not agree and be very emotionally disturbed by them, the memory of what has already been done to you will no longer kill you like the abuse had the ability to do. (sorry this is so long) So as you become stronger your mind and your alters release memories as you are able to handle them (so far in my experience this is what has happened) and sometimes if it turns out to be too much, your alters or mind will block that memory again.

My husband switches a lot, at least we think that's what's happening, when he falls to sleep or when he's falling asleep, because his body convulses all night long. Or he wakes up, throughout the night dizzy, or using his left hand to use the bathroom and he's right handed. Is there any signifigance about the night time?
This could be a memory. Everynight for about a year when I first moved out to college I had a flashback and then an apperance of an alter, at 11:36:23 pm. I could have been sound asleep for 3 hours before hand and I would wake up in terror having a flashback at that exact time. I even unplugged my alarm clock and kept my cell phone away but it turns out my body was programmed to do that. Mathematically the time works out to be 6-6-6 and my body was trained to inflict harm or remember harm when that time occured. For him it could be something along those lines, or it could be something more simple where he finally has downtime and the alters are using it to their advantage to get some of their own time. A few of my alters are different handed. I definitely get dizzy when certain alters come out or if there have been many alters out in a short amount of time. Also I used to not be able to switch back with some of my alters until I fell asleep. It was like the door was shut and they didn't know how to get back. So my roommate would stay with them or check on them until they fell asleep and then try to wake us up shortly after to see if the switch was made. I also get terrible migraines from switching.

Also, everyone was really drunk the night of the affair, does that make a difference in the behavior of the alters?
Since alcohol and drugs lower your inhibitions, it is very likely that your husband was dissociating and other alters were comng out. Sometimes alters are there to abuse alcohol or drugs because it is their purpose to medicate the system. If that is the case cooperation needs to be established asap so that something worse and more dangerous doesn't happen like driving under the influence.

I hope this helps.
Amber

I think that expert thing was directed at me, which definitely gave me a good chuckle, cuz there's definitely no such thing as an expert on DID. Some of us are just good at helping others. Good answers, by the way, couldn't have said it better myself.

by **DaRkStaR** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:07 pm

Hmmm, this is a tough one...
I can share that one of my alters is a "slut" alter and when triggers arise, she'll seek the "wrong" love once taught to be "real". If that makes any sense. I may be confusing myself

sorry!
Seeking therapy for DID and finding the source, as others alluded to, sounds like good advice.
Best of luck to you,
~DaRk

by **mrslspinks** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:40 pm

Hi Dark

Yes that makes sense.I don't know what happened to my husband when he was younger, but I know that when this lady propositioned him, he says his mind "snapped" and he remember feeling very scared and wanting to get out of there. He said he told himself he had to get out of there. So, does switching happen constantly and frequently? I don't know if her propositioning him was a trigger or not, but if it were, why would he end up back at her house, in her bed?

*He told her, after she propositioned him that he needed to go home and check on me, and she said that she would go with him. After they came home to "check on me", he had to help her back up to her apartment because she was too drunk to walk alone and they ended up having sex.

by **Mr. Bates** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 9:32 pm

For some, switching is a constant thing. Her proposition was definitely a trigger. Why would he end up in bed with her? Because when you trigger, you switch. Triggers cause switches. So from the time that happened to the time they went to her place, that was the alter. Then he came back briefly, and tried escaping with the "need to check on my wife" bit, but then the alter took back over and thats what lead to them going back up and having sex.

You need to work on your mystery solving skills.

by **mrslspinks** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 12:56 am

Hey Bates,

I always figured that, I am definitely a thinker. I am a stay at home mom so I am constantly thinking, and I did figure that. But, what didn't make since to me was that, he got out of the situation, but she was still there, just at our home now. What would have caused him to switch back, if he was afraid?He was out of harms way, out of her home and into ours. Now, I was passed out drunk and she was still there, so maybe that caused him the alter to take over again, but he was safe. So, if he was safe, why would he swithch back? Also, my husband's sex addiction, or sex addicted alter, makes him see any woman as attractive, as long as they are not too fat, too thin, too old or too young, everyone else is fair game. Can an alter actually be that sex crazed?

by **Mr. Bates** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 2:00 am

Of course an alter can be that sex crazed, why not? Just cuz you're in your own home, doesn't mean you're safe. Or even simply feel safe. I mean she did follow him, the little whore, she knew what she was doing. So how can he feel safe if the skank followed him. You run from a stalker, look outside your window, there they are, watching. Do you feel safe in your own house? Of course not. In his mind, he was still in danger.

Husband had an affair, please help

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