Husband had an affair, please help

Gosh, it's almost scary the way that you all can answer these questions the exact same way that he does. I guess I am able to believe you all more because I feel like you all have no reason to lie, and he does. Yeah, I am very angry at her for propositioning him and following him to my house, and he hates her. The angry alter came out and revealed to me that he had thoughts of killing her right after the sex ended. Of course, my husband didn't remember threatening her until she told me and I told him. So, you guys are all confirming things for me, but how do I find my happiness. I have suffered a ton in this 8 year relationship with the mood swings, the cheating, the unwanted sexual advances, the being used sexually, the distance with me and the kids, etc. I have loved and loved and loved some more. I know that I am strong enough to stick it out with him, but what if another affair happens? Do I accept it?

Also, Bates, you are absolutely right about the sex crazed alters, when my husband was rubbing on her leg, I was sitting right there, not to mention he's(an alter) has had sex with a family member, right next to me. Yes, I can write a book about my life.

First thing's first, you REALLY need to stop distrusting your husband. What his alters do is not his fault. You can't help your husband if you don't even trust him. There is no "if he has another affair", its "if his alter ###$ another girl". The alter isn't married to you, remember that, so he's not obligated to you. You can't think of your husband as one person. Yeah alters are different parts of his mind, BUT they are still their own person. If someone's roommate stole a car while the person was miles away, does that mean that person ALSO stole the car? Of course not. Its the same idea. You can't hold any of that against your husband. He has a mental disorder that he doesn't know how to control. Get him the help he needs to control it. Show him more love than you ever have shown him. Trust him more. Don't feel betrayed by HIM because his ALTERS did something wrong. Your husband seriously needs to communicate with his alters, either by journaling or a therapist, or even both. Once again, do NOT just go to any old therapist. Make sure they specialize in DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS.

Hey Bates

I have to say, I love you straight to the point, no holds barred, comments. I really appreciate them. I swear I am going to try that much more. We have been looking for a therapist that specializes in DID and this would make the 4th therapist that my husband has been to in the last 7 months. So, he's kind of feeling hopeless at this point. I am going to try harder to trust him and remember that he's not at fault. He tries to communicate directly with the alters, ask questions, let them "take over", but they don't. They only come out at random times, normally while he's working or while he's asleep. But, I will do better, I promise. When you say journaling, is he suppose to write in a journal daily, to communicate with the alters? What is he suppose to say? (these are questions I KNOW that he'll ask me)

A lot of people like that about me. I don't beat around the bush, I cut through that $#%^.

Journaling is basically pen-palling with yourself (and your alters, of course). Write a letter, leave the journal in a place the alter can easily find it. Or he can write a list of questions that you can ask them if they come out while you're around.

I hope this doesn't upset anyone, but I feel like this needs to be said. Although DID absolutely and completely exists, your husband has not been diagnosed by a professional. I know some people have had bad experiences with shrinks, but just to remind mrslspinks, he may or may not have this disorder. There are some really, really bad people out there who will lie about their mental health in order to get a "free pass" when it comes to doing things they shouldn't. Remember the movie "Primal Fear"? I sincerely hope your husband isn't one of those people, but you have to consider the possibility for now.

Also, even if his alters are the ones cheating on you, they all share his one body. If one alter gets an STD, your husband brings it home to you. If the kids see one of your husband's alters kissing another woman, they see daddy cheating on mommy... they won't forget that. I have nothing but the utmost respect and compassion for the users on this forum, but you have to remember that this is your life. If the conditions in which you are living cannot be resolved, you have to take care of you and your children first. Your children are watching you and they do know what is going on, even if the details are not clear to them now. Supporting and loving him doesn't always mean you have to be married to him if his alters continue to have sex with other women.

If your husband does get help and is diagnosed with DID, this forum is a great place for support... for the both of you. I truly hope there is an outcome that will bring you peace and happiness in the long run. It won't be easy, but he can get better. I wish the two of you a lot of luck.

That's a good idea. Get divorced while your children are still young and impressionable. First they'll think it's their fault. Then they'll think daddy is leaving them cuz he doesn't love them anymore. And no matter what you tell them, that thought won't change and they'll grow distant from him and blame everything on him. And then he'll start to believe it really is all his fault, and hate himself. He'll be a lonely man. Even if he got married to another woman, he'd still feel emptyness inside, knowing his own children hate him. If he really is DID, and not faking it, then that is the worst suggestion you could take (No offense, Chickadee). Don't consider it a possibility. That'll take away from helping him. If you get paranoid about something like that, you'll just push yourself away from him. Actually see a DID shrink before you even consider the possibility he's faking it. Until the shrink can give you a definite answer, only do your best to help him, not judge him.

Chickadee, you sound like someone who's been hurt one too many times. Not all men are liars. Don't judge us all based on some other guy's mistakes. And please don't be seething your distrust into others. That helps nobody.

Hi Chickadee

Thanks so much for your repsonse and it's very much appreciated. That was my issue before, whether or not he was using this and pretending to have DID. However, my husband has lived with this since childhood and it has effected other areas of his life as well. Running away from home, repeatedly, as a child, living on the streets, running away to different states, stealing from his jobs, all for no apparent reason and all before he was 18. Not to meniton, blackouts, memory loss, he saw a therapist at the age of 11 and doesn't remember anything about it except crying. This is the first time that there was an affair during our marriage and we have been married for the past 3 years. (the first that I am aware of, rather). I have also experienced meeting angry, uneasy, sex addicted and once even a kid that likes to come around during sex or when I initiate sexual things. There is a long, long, long list of things that go on with my husband, which makes me believe that he's being honest about this. Also, for the first 3 months after the affair, he never mentioned the different personalities and different things that go on inside of his mind. He just wanted to accept responsibility for what he did and everything that went along with it, even if that meant divorce. So, it is confusing because of the contradictions, but my husband was/is ready at any moment to give me a divorce, if that would make me happy. I don't think that he really has any reason to try to trick me, at this point.

But, I definitely know what you mean, that has been a concern of mine, but when I look at his entire life and not try to isoloate the our 8 year relationship, it's definitely DID.

Hey Bates,

Divorce isn't a part of my thought process right now. One thing that I have always known about my husband is his views on marriage and adultery was NEVER, NEVER something he would have ever intentionally done. Not to mention, I have learned more about my husband in the last 6 months than I had in the past 8 years and I think that leaving him, as hard as he's been trying, would probably do a lot of damage. Now, the psychiatrist that my husband was seeing diagnosed him with PTSD and told him that he had to be running from something in his childhood, to run away for no "obvious" reasons. He also completed the questionare and he had severe everything depersonalization, amnesia, dissociation, and identity alteration. The only thing that was moderate was derealization. Now, the issue is when my husband gets into therapy sessions, he doesn't tell the therapist everything that they may need to know to diagnose him correctly. I don't know if there is an alter out during the sessions or what, but my husband goes and pays for an hour, but only spend 5-30 min. in there and comes home with more Lexapro or Noritriptymine or anything to get rid of the headaches.

Don't worry Bates, after you give me that smack in the face, I have more strength to stay and try to help him. But, I can't lie, I do worry about my children.

Glad I talked some sense into you.

As for not telling the therapist. You need to tell your husband he HAS to talk about it in order to get proper help. Also, ask him how much of each session he remembers. See if he even remembers talking to the doctor. This will determine whether or not an alter stops him from telling the truth to the therapist.