Ethan the Alien's Misadventures! [Journey Thread!]

Thank you, I appreciate it.
I ultimately just wish I knew the truth. I don't care much about "was it (this label specifically)?" so much as I care about just.. Knowing what happened.
It pains me knowing that I will have to spend so many more years in so much agony to be able to learn more about myself and understand myself better. It pains me knowing that after those years, once I DO one day start to uncover more, I will only have to go through more agony. Lately I've felt this way sometimes and I just think to myself and question if it's really worth going on. I'm not in any danger or anything, I just feel hopeless I think sometimes. I question if doing all of this work is really worth it? Another part of me is going "eh, 20 years of trauma, what's another 10 more?" (In a light-hearted way, ha).
In any ways, I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday and my next session is next week. I'm just glad that I am no longer dreading on this stuff like I used to. It used to be so suffocating I couldn't focus on anything else, so I'm just glad that I'm at this point now, at least.

It is worth the effort.

Livign in peace rather than in pieces is worth the effort. It takes time, baby steps, but it's worth the effort.

Thank you

As a teenager at least, I always remember feeling like "why am i like this? Why am I so depressed and suicidal and miserable? Why am I seemingly struggling so badly?" and yet at the same time I genuinely, sincerely, full-heartedly believed and accepted that I had a decent life, had no reason to feel those ways, and am lucky and privileged and normal, so it didn’t make sense why I was the way I was, and even would tell people I don't have any mental health struggles whatsoever.

And all of that is still true, but under a different perspective now.

It feels like a lot of other people can pinpoint some of the things that gave them certain things, like triggers, or certain alters as just two examples. And I .. cannot do any of that? I can’t tell you who my alters are, what my system is like, what “inner world” I do or do not have, or describe it to you or even know what an inner world is; I can’t tell you names of alters and describe to you in any significant detail what those alters are like let alone even the most utmost basic information either; I especially cannot tell you what they remember that other parts may not remember; what emotions those alters do or do not or may or may not hold; I cannot tell you what roles those alters may or may not have and i especially cannot tell you why they exist, or if “they” even exist at all.

I cannot tell you why certain things make me feel, or not feel, a certain way - if I'm even identifying a feeling correctly in the first place.

I can’t tell you the trauma and abuse I’ve experienced, not really, and I can’t go into detail because there are quite literally no details to even have access to in the first place.

It feels like I have no life story. Like I'm a half-baked rough draft idea of somebody’s #######5 joke of a character.

Like the people around me, people with DID/OSDD, seem to have a much better understanding and a much better grasp of their DID/OSDD and their alters and their trauma and abuse - and no I am not talking about people who are 10 years down the line in therapy, these are people who haven't been able to have access to therapy who know so much more, and no I am not talking about "TikTok Fakers" either. I am talking about real people who genuinely have DID or OSDD, whether they are self-diagnosed or not, who do not have access to therapy and/or haven't been in therapy long enough to even do any kind of trauma work at all, let alone even basic therapy work, and yet these people are so often capable of telling you the kinds of abuse they went through and the trauma they experienced and how it made them feel, or what certain alters they have, why those alters exist, what trauma that alter holds, stuff like that. Even people who haven't known about their DID/OSDD as long as I have (and that's not saying much since it's only been 2 or 3 years since the start of my questioning) know so much more and have so much more access to their feelings, memories, and overall knowledge of their trauma, abuse, and their system and alters.

What I'm trying to explain basically is that it seems like my dissociation is extremely strong, maybe "excessive"? I've always felt like nothing I've experienced warrants such strong dissociation to a point I've gone my whole life telling people and feeling like "nothing ever affects me." Like people with DID/OSDD obviously will have a lot of amnesia for their childhood and life in general, but it has always felt like my amnesia is so much stronger and more excessive. Like there's just.. Nothing. I mean obviously there are SOME memories - I don't think it's possible for EVERYTHING to be gone - but I mean there is basically nothing, and I don't know how to get this through to people. I notice it in the way other people are able to talk about having really bad flashbacks and really bad

I have more memories from when I very temporarily lived with my grandparents for like a few months at age 4 because that household was so much healthier and non-traumatizing that even my therapist told me "I think this is the most you've been able to remember about your childhood" when I talked to her about some of the memories I have from living there, and I can quite literally, and I need you to understand that I am not exaggerating, count on my fingers how many memories I have from living there. It's so difficult to explain to people just exactly what I mean by all this without the direct experience, but hopefully I'm making sense.

My therapist explained how "dissociation works to keep emotions away, so if you're not able to feel those emotions and whatnot, that's pretty substantial dissociation" is essentially what she described. She also pointed out how the example of how I forgot that we made an appointment together over email and I forgot about making the appointment and also she said that I had asked her the same questions I asked her over email which I didn't know until today And she said how that's all examples of pretty severe dissociation and I said how I always thought "passing out and switching" would be the "most severe dissociation" and with her explanation of like the dissociation keeping emotions away, she said how in the example of someone say "passing out" she said how those people are still Feeling the emotions, they're just too overwhelming and intense. Versus say me who like. Is "never affected by anything."
I talked about how I feel like a lot of other people with DID seem to remember a lot more about their childhoods than I feel like I do and I asked if she felt the same way, like if she would agree that it seems like I remember significantly less about my entire life and childhood than most other people with DID do and she said she would agree too and that it was a big reason for her diagnosing me.
Her explanation was validating and makes a lot of sense to me.

I always believed that my amnesia isn't that bad, if anything "nonexistent", but I think it may actually be quite more severe than I think and it's strange to think about. Did anybody else think that they had minimal to no amnesia, only to realize that it's actually probably a lot more severe than what's probably typical? With some other stuff me and my T were talking about, it seems like she was saying that my amnesia is a lot more significant than even other clients she's had with DID.

What helps to figure things out is a lot of patience and a lot of introspection and a stable, everyday life. I could not pinpoint anything about my system - heck I was not even aware of having DID ! - before I started stabilizing my daily life.

It took me 1 year after the breakup with my latest abusive relationship before I started being aware of my parts. I still discover new tiny bits and fragments from time to time, and I notice them because they fall into place and I'm like "OMYGASH I DID NOT KNOW IT WAS THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE". I did not know I was still missing bits and fragments before I felt them "fall into place".

Un-tangling all your parts takes time and a lot of stable everyday life. This is why starting with the book "Coping with trauma related dissociation" is a good idea because it helps to manage emotions, feel safe, organize everyday life... And also "Healing the fragmented selves..." because it also teaches you how to un-tangle your parts so you can have a better, bigger picture of what's going on inside.

Not everybody has a rich Innerworld: we only have what we NEEDS as an Innerworld. Lastly for me it's just some vague mist-like environment, sometimes bright sometimes dark, a few pieces of furniture as needed, nothing more. Sometimes a backdrop of some natural environment but it feels like a theatre backdrop. And it's okay. I do not need more at the moment. Sometimes I need even less and my Innerworld feels like chatting online on Discord, but inside and with my parts.

It's okay to need time to untangle everything. It's okay to need time to remember things. It's okay to be traumatized AND having grown in a materially "acceptable" environment. Because disorganized attachment is enough to give you DID. Because the constant sensory overload from autism is enough to give you DID.

Because every traumatizing situation has a tiny bit of a silver lining to it, even if it's only "I'm still alive... so it was not that bad, was it?" Yet it was enough to give you DID.

The same fall that makes the rubber ball bounce, breaks the crystal glass. It's not the glass' fault for breaking. It's not the ball's virtue for bouncing. It's merely the meeting of an essence with a circumstance.

I'm pretty sure part of the reason I've been so, so fragile and easily emotional lately is because dissociative walls are starting to come down a bit, and my therapist agreed. I know I really only update this forum thread when I'm under distress, but day-to-day life, ""nothing affects me, I'm never really emotional at all"" and this experience lately where I've been so fragile and emotional and easily triggered is a new experience for me, so I felt like it had to do with dissociation starting to lower a bit since I've slowly been trying to be more Aware and whatnot and my therapist agreed with me.
I got to vent a bunch about how unfair and ridiculous it is that I would get yelled at over literally anything. I could breathe the wrong way and I would get yelled at. And just how unfair it is that I had to live every day of my life like that and how my brain is still always on alert, overthinking my every action and everything I do and say and feel out of fear I'll get abused again and it's awful and ridiculous and unfair and my therapist was like this is like the first time you've really expressed so much anger and frustration towards your parents (in a therapy setting) and I was like Yeah. Yeah.

You are absolutely right it is awful and unfair that everything you did was seen as "wrong" by the people around you. Of course you are now supper sensitive emotionally after all of this! Nobody can go through this awfulness and remain calm and unbothered.

yeah it makes sense to be upset about that, it is super unfair what happened to you and to have had to live like that.
It is really sounds like a good sign that dissociative walls are starting to come down. but it can be a lot when we really take in all we have had to endure to get to the level of disassociation we had gotten to.

-- Tue Aug 08, 2023 12:42 am --

yeah it makes sense to be upset about that, it is super unfair what happened to you and to have had to live like that.
It is really sounds like a good sign that dissociative walls are starting to come down. but it can be a lot when we really take in all we have had to endure to get to the level of disassociation we had gotten to.

Oh man


******** TW for discussions of organized abuse and programming (nothing in-depth, just kinda mentioning it)
I was told ages ago that having a difficult time trying to figure out your system and understand it and whatnot is a common experience in people with DID who have been through organized (sexual) abuse. I tried to ask on Tumblr if this is true and of course I know social media isn't a reputable source, but it's not exactly easy to find information about such topics, let alone be able to find an answer to that question specifically.
But one of my Tumblr mutuals (who is a survivor and is pretty educated on this stuff) responded and confirmed that:
"Yes this is very common. Organized abuse usually involves things that actively prevent people from learning about their systems, and even more so if (programming) was involved. Not only does organized abuse tend to cause very large and complex and inherently confusing and complicated systems, but there are often rules against talking to other parts or parts from other subsystems. In (programming) there’s usually therapy-interfering programs that block people from being able to make progress in therapy and this can often include not being able to learn about your system or remember what you’ve learned previously. Parts are often way more secretive and may not want to say who they are or what their names are. I’d say that not being able to learn about the extent of your system for a long time is a hallmark feature of organized abuse."
And this all was so validating to me because ! That's me! That's us! This is what has prevented me from figuring out my DID and figuring out my alters for so long! I had no idea that it was a common experience of survivors of programming and/or organized abuse.
I always thought it was odd that my alters just refused to ever speak or be open about themselves or anything, like it's forbidden somehow. There's so much terror and it always felt strange to me, like that shouldn't happen for at least most systems? It didn't seem like something that most other system I've known in the past to have talked about.
And I think I guess it makes sense. Anyone else who went through abuse/trauma that didn't involve somebody trying to intentionally keep their alters silence probably wouldn't experience this if their alters weren't. Directly told and abused into keeping themselves secret?
I know DID/OSDD automatically comes with SOME amount of, like, "secrecy", but mine just felt.. Excessive.. Out of place, as opposed to what others seemed to have talked about and experienced?

"I've said too much" is a common thing that alters will say to me.
"I'm not supposed to talk to you", "I've said too much", and generally telling me to go away, shut up, etc. are all the most common things I get whenever I'd try to communicate internally, in the past and still now. Me just trying to speak internally is sometimes enough to make internal parts uncomfortable enough to want to feel like even noticing them is "too much."
I've had alters directly say that I'm "not supposed to know about this" this being DID/alters.
Some become aggressively angry that I've noticed them, that I'm speaking or trying to speak to them. Like I'll ask a name or anything about them and the response is a very aggressive "shut the f up, leave me the f alone, as if I'd tell you (anything about me)", stuff like that.

And I ended up talking to my therapist more about this and talking more about WHY I question organized abuse specifically (it's because my artwork and writing go beyond "typical" sexual abuse, they involve things that I have only known to happen in organized sexual abuse, such as being forced to be a "child porn actor" for child sexual exploitation material (in like a group setting-)..) and I talked about how I would want to find a therapist who is more specialized in organized abuse and programming and we both agreed that it would be helpful and she's help me find one of course!
I told her that I haven't shown her any of the artwork and writing I've done that have to do with organized abuse type of 'themes' because, well, those feel like the most vulnerable of mine, I still don't even.. Share them with my friends. I said that those are part of the reason why I suspect OA, because they really only have things to do as seen in OA situations, as I said.
But also because of some weird memories.
I talked about those in a previous post in this thread, but to recap
- Weird memory of being at this relatively large house, in the backyard, where there's a hottub and a pool. It's like a party is happening, I don't know if my brother is there, he's nowhere to be found from my recalling of this, and it's just me, my dad, and other random guys I don't know. Most of them were in the hot tub and I feel like I recall being in the hot tub too, but that's about as much as my memory goes, I think.
I don't even know if that memory is real or just like. A dream, I don't know
***** TW for description of a possible genital injury
- I have a memory, or maybe a dream again I don't know. Being on the toilet and being scared because of blood? I don't know if I'm peeing blood, if blood is coming out of my butt, or something else. I feel like I remember my dad and maybe two other guys on the outside of the door, for some reason I'm like. Watching this memory from the perspective of the outside of the door, which is. Impossible, which makes me feel like this is a dream or something fake. But my dad and maybe two other guys on the outside of the door, discussing something. Don't know what.
Maybe these things are fake, I feel silly.
I often feel really stupid for questioning if I could have experienced organized abuse and programming. It feels completely impossible. But after explaining all of this to my therapist, she agreed that it's not, like. Completely impossible. And, like I said, that she'd help me find a specialist.

I send a lot of moral support your way. It is very brave of you to look for answers.

I just want to add that there is no need for heavy programming in order to cause a terror of "telling the Secret of the abuse" and a lot of amnesia. What I went through with my family caused me to have such fears and the constant conflict between "I need to tell somebody" and "I must tell no-one" was awful. I just wanted to remind people reading along that it can happen even without organized programming.

And that it is possible to recover from it, step by step, day by day.

as far as the outside perspective like you are looking at yourself from outside the door, sounds like could be related also to the level of disassociation you could have had at the time. i have memories where i feel like that at the time, and like way above myself, but i think it's just the effect of being disassociated as a child?
Anyways, so sorry, whatever is behind these. I know some things don't make sense to me what they have meant and i feel like some part of me is not gonna ever totally know.

-- Sun Aug 27, 2023 1:39 pm --