Ethan the Alien's Misadventures! [Journey Thread!]

Thanks so much!

Thanks so much!

Hello again everyone!
Therapy has been going really, really well. I'm so appreciative of my therapist, things have been perfect so far. She's been so validating and helpful.
Since getting diagnosed and trying to figure out my alters, I've slowly been seeing the patterns of my alters better. It's like I'm seeing how distinct we really are. I've been able to understand my symptoms so much better, too.
Lately, at times, I have moments where it kind of hits me and I think "###$, I don't want this disorder, I don't this at all, I wish I never had this disorder." It's tough. I'll be alright though, I think. I believe things will get better, even if just for a moment.
It's kind of been a huge mixed bag lately, as you can tell.

It's wonderful that things are going well, Ethan.

Yes, I'm pretty sure we've all had those moments where we've gone "This is awful and I really wish I didn't have DID. This is horrible. This is exhausting." I once said to my friend LJ that "I don't know why some people think that DID is 'cool'. This is awful." I don't think I've ever met a system that thought this was 'cool'.

But it's great you are positive about moving forward and that you've got an affirming therapist.

Take care,
Vi

I completely understand both points of view, the "cool" and "uncool" ones.

The "uncool" one is about the trauma and dissociative symptoms. The "cool" one is about the identity fluctuations and the Innerworld life.

Most people outside of the DID sphere only focus on the visible, "cool" aspects and do not understand the pain underneath. They lack information and knowledge on the subject.

At least the "uncool" aspects can be healed and the "cool" ones can remain past healing!

A lot has happened since the last time I posted here.

Since we're finally able to not constrict ourselves into "Just Ethan," we've been able to lean more into expressing ourselves - exploring ourselves. My language has changed really drastically, as you can probably tell; I've often been referring to myself as "us" in therapy sessions, and it's always weird to notice myself doing it.
We have a part named Tea (he/she pronouns) who is extremely hyperactive, to a very noticeable degree. I think he was fronting at our last therapy appointment because during that appointment I was extremely hyperactive in a way even my therapist noticed and found surprising (not in a bad way). And then later in the appointment I noticed that I wasn't hyperactive anymore and my therapist noticed too.
People always say things move really, really fast with DID, but this all feels so instantaneous. Just my sudden language shift and starting to see and recognize my alters as "separate", when I never saw them that way and always went out of my way to tell others that I *don't* feel that they're separate.

I still have my moments of denial; actually I'm Ethan as I'm typing this post and I'm usually the one with self-doubt and denial. I know that if I'm thinking about DID a lot, talking about it, having denial or self-doubt pertaining to it, or if I mostly refer to myself with I/my pronouns instead of us/we, then I'm probably Ethan haha.

My therapist is so wonderful, I think we hit it off really well and I feel safe with her so far (and I think the fact that Tea(?) seems to have fronted and was so overtly her hyperactive self says a lot as well).


Another thing that happened; I mentioned to her how Tea flaps his hands rapidly to a point of getting tired, and hand-flapping is a stim that I have just in general, but Tea tends to flap her hands a lot more often and a lot more rapidly. And I mentioned this to my therapist and my therapist started to ask questions; "is he the only alter that flaps his hands?" I said no and mentioned how "I've heard (hand-flapping) be called stimming" - I was testing the waters haha. She then nodded and said "yeah! Do you have any other stimming behaviors?" and I said yes and brought up some other examples. She asked if I knew why I did them and I said it just feels fun/nice. I think she was asking those questions because she might be catching onto my autism symptoms haha. I'm hoping next session we can talk a bit more about stimming behaviors and perhaps expand to talking about autism in general. I hope she does catch onto the fact that I'm autistic (I'm not diagnosed, but I'm certain I'm autistic, so bear with me here haha).

I am glad things are going well with your therapist! Congratulations on the progress!

*******TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE (NO DETAILS, JUST MENTIONING IT)*********

I opened up to her about the "repressed memory" we had remembered because I was really struggling with it.
I write a lot and draw a lot of stuff pertaining to this memory, just really raw and unfiltered stuff. And I was struggling with that a lot, like I was writing stuff and drawing stuff back-to-back-to-back. I've cut down on this since the last therapy session last Wednesday, but that was basically my week last week.
I have these moments every so often, going on these "sprees" or "episodes" of writing, talking, thinking, and drawing a lot of stuff about this repressed memory, and during these episodes, though I didn't realize this until recently, but I also struggle with being really hypersexual and seeking out things to trigger myself when I'm in these episodes. I never attributed this stuff to DID or possible alters or anything. I've always just felt like maybe I just enjoy "dark" artwork or that I'm a messed up person. I mean, I've always known that it had to do with the possibility of it being real, but I just have never been able to be okay with calling it a real memory, so I never felt that I could say that the feelings and content in these poems/drawings/etc. could hint to anything real or any real feelings.
I spoke about some of this with my friend sometime last week about it all and they reminded me about substitute beliefs, which I always knew were normal and A Thing in DID and I've known what they meant, but them reminding me of the term has made me really want to look into it more. And since I have recently, I feel so.. Understood. Like I have found a term that makes me feel so understood and validated.

Also, my therapist was very validating as always when I told her about it all. Actually, after I had finished explaining all of it, I was shaking and on the verge of crying and then fine again. She noticed it as well and pointed it out and I still look back at that moment where I was shaking and on the verge of crying in denial and self-doubt, like, "but it doesn't even affect me, the shaking/crying was just ... something else!" It's scary the lengths DID goes to make you deny anything and everything, no matter how direct, overt, and obvious the symptoms are, to yourself and others.

*******TRIGGER WARNING END**********



*******TRIGGER WARNING: describing substitute beliefs in the context of rape/sexual abuse*********

Like, the content in my writings and drawings talk about feeling like a dead body, or "becoming" a dead body in order to feel as if what's happening isn't really happening, and in order to dissociate and not have to feel what's happening to us. It (I say "it", but it's multiple writings) talks about how we would stare into the window above us where the bed we were being raped on was and we would stare at the night sky and "become a dead body." In other words, dissociate and look away at what's happening so that it's not "really happening." Dissociate from the body so that we aren't feeling it, and look away so that we aren't seeing it. That way, it's not actually happening.

I understand this completely as being very normal when someone, especially a child, is being raped/sexually abused in some way. And it makes complete sense and directly describes very specific feelings. I just can't tell if those feelings are real, if I'm making them up to just write sick and twisted stories and poems. I'm not currently in denial of this memory, or my DID, but that was how I felt towards this all. I figured, well, "isn't it obvious that someone being raped would feel these things? Anyone could write these feelings, it doesn't mean they went through it themself!" That was how I always explained it and felt that that was what was happening. And of course in a way I do still worry about that, but finding out about substitute beliefs makes it make so much more sense to me. I saw substitute beliefs described as "a dissociative mechanism that explains what cannot be accepted OR REJECTED" and it makes me feel so understood because I've never been able to accept or reject any of these feelings/beliefs/memories.

*******END TRIGGER WARNING******

-- Sun Dec 04, 2022 12:03 pm --

Not to make another post like almost immediately, and I'm not currently in denial, but I finally thought of a way to explain what I thought was going on.

*****TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ABUSE******

I thought that like. "Well, duh, anyone could guess what it feels like for someone if they were sexually abused." Like to me it's obvious that someone going through sexual abuse would, like. Dissociate, go limp, and just "let it" happen. To me, it's obvious that someone who went through sexual abuse would feel like a limp doll or something, be able to dissociate and not feel what's happening to them. I'm sure you've seen it all the time with people's artwork and it's such a common thing people talk about where victims will go through some kind of "frozen shock" where they aren't moving/aren't responding. I don't know, I just thought, like, anyone could conjure up theses feelings based off of these accounts from sexual abuse survivors. But I'm starting to wonder if that really is true.
I'm actually genuinely wondering, but not out of denial, out of genuine curiosity. I can't tell if the reason I feel this way is because it's true that most people would be able to conjure up fake sexual abuse feelings like this or if that's not as true as I think it is.
I mean, I know that people can make up fake feelings and write about them, like write about feelings a character in their stories has, or whatever, but I hope what I'm trying to explain makes sense. I also know that no-one can tell me whether this memory is true or not, or if these feelings are real or not, I accept them as my reality in the current moment. I guess I just want other people's input upon reading this haha.

*******END TRIGGER WARNING********

My understanding is that while people can imagine things with their minds, and come up with vivid images, when memories have body sensations attached to them, there was something that really happened to cause those body sensations.

Your body can't make up things that it didn't experience, and no it's not obvious that that's how someone would feel. I can picture what you're talking about, but my body doesn't have a frame of reference for it, so when I think about what you're saying, I don't have any body sensations associated with it.

I see. Thanks for the insight.
I guess I'll have to have a better understanding of "body sensations." My current stance is that I don't experience body memories or body sensations pertaining to this stuff, but I truthfully just don't know. I guess I'll find out with time