does anyone have advice on accepting trauma?

possible future trigger warning for this entire thread, just in case.

i’m looking for advice on how to accept the fact that i have trauma, especially trauma that i don’t remember, that caused my DID. it’s so hard to believe that i have it when i don’t remember it, which only makes it harder to accept as real. i’ve only had a few very small flashbacks that i barely have a grasp on, so vague that i can’t really remember them at all, and when i try to remember and accept those things, i can’t.

a friend of mine told me that when i (and most people) deny their DID, it’s largely because they can’t or don’t want to accept that they have trauma, often times trauma that they don’t remember. that it usually comes from being triggered, like touching a hot stove, and now you retreat back into what you feel is safe to make the pain go away. this is very, very true for me personally. when i get triggered, i start denying anything happened ever, and i freak out. it’s so hard to accept that i have trauma. i tell myself “i have trauma that i don’t remember, and that’s okay. i accept my traumas and my alters wholly”, generally as i’m going to bed, but i don’t think it’s working as much as i’d like it to.

i’ve realized that because of this denial and avoidance of my trauma, i’m most definitely an “ANP”—i’m incredibly trauma avoidant, and hugely a denial part when i know my other alters aren’t like this at all. when kat is fronting, he’s very sure of our DID, and kind of thinks i’m a bit of an idiot for denying it i think. i think he’s an ANP as well, but very different from me.

so i’m looking for advice on how to come to terms with the fact that i have trauma that i don’t remember. i don’t know how to process it. i feel like i might split and become even more trauma-avoidant or something, i don’t know.

i wish i didn’t have DID.

-grem

Hi Grem

Tbh I'm not sure what will help you.

Our host accepted it eventually because the alternative (that she was slowly going crazy) was worse. Being told she was did and therefore not responsible for actions taken that she couldn't remember was a huge relief for her. But we think that was only really possible because we were in the middle of a did crisis with huge chunks of time missing and little and mute alters fronting frequently which tbh made us look less than emotionally stable. (We got to see a psych origanaly because our gp thought we were on the edge of a nervous breakdown we were just lucky he was did trained and spotted it) even with the relief of knowing she wasn't crazy she still tried to deny that did was a perminent thing, that she wasn't the origanal etc ( laughable as she has no memory before the age of 13 - when she was created -she was the last of us to split) whenever we were quiet she would think the diagnosis was wrong and worry that she really was crazy.....


Comparetivly our partner has a system that is probably osdd 1 of some sort. He struggles to accept it because for some alters there is no major distinction just a "foreign" influence, he doesn't feel like a different person yet to the outside world there is a noticeable shift in personality. Generally there is no amnesia but there have been sporadic stretches of amnesia for information, (event remembered but conversation missing) And the kicker is when the influence is heavy he doesn't understand why he acts like that. He will apologize profusely for acting to childish/aggressive/foul/shy/radical change in appetite or taste etc because he is horrified the he acted like that.. in those moments when I remind him that if the action is out of charector and he didn't want to do it if he is so strongly opposed to those feelings they probably weren't his, those are the few moments he accepts. For the rest he is addement "something is wrong/happening but it's just me". I think this comes out of fear. Fear of who or what he will find if he looks at the trauma that started this.

Heavy denial is part of being host. And until you feel safe in the present you won't be in a place to accept the past.

Hi

I seem to be what you call an ANP - going by description ..yet I have no memory of feeling there was anyone else inside in the time I originally fronted for college and work period of life.

I seem to then have disappeared from daily life except for occasional fronting when friends 'I' had made from college/work etc wanted to meet up or to pay respects when (RL) family members passed

I have no memory of trauma either (from early life) but found myself up front again after the body suffered a stroke and seem to be 'stuck here' ever since.

I have no memory of an inner world or what it looks like. I have daily communication with one 'entity' who describes herself as 'a Tulpa' and 'my twin', She claims she 'can't get back' either and was on the same side (moving towards the front) at the time there was a strong feeling the body was experiencing a medical emergency.


I seem unable to reconnect with the inside at all right now or even know who I am supposed to be calling for. Yet I was told by the protector that I am 'the summoner'. The protector disappeared once the body had the strength to stand and meet our basic daily needs without his additional strength/influence. Fortunately we have not been too severely affected physically although speech has been slower to return and taken more work to even get a few 2-3 word sentences out in one go. Apart from this memory (short term) and fatigue seems the biggest issues.

I don't know if this will help in your case (OP) but as I have no memory of Trauma upsetting me and nothing in the last few months has triggered anyone else forward. I'm just trying to get on with the stroke recovery and keep 'my secret twin' to myself (in RL - not mentioned her at all to the few people I have had contact with since coming out of hospital).

Yuna

i have always had awareness of at least some traumas and knowing that the others (alters) existed inside (not what they were though), but my knowledge of all of that was on and off at different times depending on how much i was able to handle at any specific time.

it was very difficult with certain traumas that came up, worse with bits and pieces that made no sense and then questioning if it was real or just made up. even now, i don't know a lot of the worst stuff, or so i believe, because i keep hearing that something really bad happened with nothing else coming up with it.

all i can suggest is giving it time. you can't really force acceptance, it's a process. take it a bit at a time because it can be too overwhelming.

The whole "how to accept trauma" is called... therapy. You will find informations regarding how to do DID therapy in the books and documents talked about in this thread: dissociative-identity/topic219302.html

I sometimes need to make things concrete and less abstract so I found the following analogy worked well for me.

If I had a physical scar on my leg, it wouldn't make sense to deny it was there.

If sometimes the area around the scar were tender, especially if I bumped myself at that spot, then it would be obvious that the wound under the scar had not entirely healed.

If sometimes when I got a bump or turned my leg in a certain way, I felt a sudden, sharp pain under my skin, it would be obvious that whatever caused the original scar had left a remnant inside that was continuing to cause me pain and might be extremely dangerous for my health and life. Even if that weren't the case, I didn't know the nature of whatever it was lay under the surface and I had enough evidence that it is toxic and damaging to me and my health.

So I need to do something differently.

Acknowledging there was a problem would be a first step. Next would be admitting I needed help and then seeking it. Be willing to encounter and deal with some pain would be a necessary step in my eventual healing.

Keep things separate until apn are willing to be less tough on those traumatized. We had our ways of making things more real just make sure it is time to be looked at in that way. I'm more into to trauma side, id your system in that way . I'm more of a less ap to believe system then and obvious traumatized now.

Eliseahorse wrote:Hi Grem

Tbh I'm not sure what will help you.

Our host accepted it eventually because the alternative (that she was slowly going crazy) was worse.

Heavy denial is part of being host. And until you feel safe in the present you won't be in a place to accept the past.

These two statements are so very true for us, too. As host, I've struggled to accept it- even though I've suffered a nightmare-memory recollection of a time Pixie was M... (trying to be considerate of traumatic terms triggering people). Most of that trauma is locked in Angel's memories as he lived it.
We have nightmares- sometimes very graphic and even physical sensations ones... and I often see them... but it's easier to think "that was someone else, not me". It feels dirty, shameful, terrifying, and deeply hurtful to consider (much less accept) that this happened to "me".

But the big thing for me has been what Eliseahorse said - the alternative is that it's some sick warped fantasy of a "crazy" mind- which is worse to consider... and fantastical... it's not reality... even if that means the terrible truth is what it is.

There's no one or best way to get to acceptance... That's a personal path. It's different for each person. The best I can offer in terms of advice is, listen to your system, trust yourself (all of you in the system), and even if it feels awful, if there's truth to it, accept that history of it even if you struggle to connect with the feelings and pain of it. It's a slow process and it doesn't need to rushed. In fact, I think it's probably better NOT to try and force or rush it.

-Zor