Feeling Connected

it occurred to me that all the work i'm putting in to communicating with the others in the system, learning how to work with them, is more than just a way to navigate switching and stuff like that. it's like... ground zero of forming healthy attachments. that may sound really obvious but it's something that hadn't clicked with me before now.

i disconnect from people and situations because it doesn't feel safe to become attached, either at all or beyond a certain point. the idea of my partner proposing to me made me significantly dissociate earlier today, which made me think something was wrong with me. the point is, though, it's not that i'm some inherently broken individual who can't love or whatever internalised trauma #######4 my brain can come up with, it's because my brain doesn't know how to connect with people and feel attached without dissociating.

i know people bring up disorganised attachment with DID a lot but it's only just hit me just how big of a thing it is, and it just occurred to me that it's not just about outside people and outside situations, it's about the others in the system too. i'm still scared of feeling attached to them, or feel connected to them, and my brain comes up with "reasons" like them not being real, when it's not really about that. it's literally just that root cause of everything, that feeling connected and becoming attached is Bad and Unsafe.

all the work i've put in the past year, to talk to the others in the system and learn how to connect with them, is way more important than i realised. i feel safer connecting to them now. i feel like it's okay to feel attached to them in a "i don't need to be terrified of them poofing out of existence on me, it's okay to get used to them being here and connect with them" sort of way. i don't know if that makes sense.

i think it's like... this idea that connecting with the others in the system is going to help me with connecting to outside people too. i'm sharing my life with the others in the system, my body with them, my mind with them. we're not random fragments of identities or consciousnesses or whatever. we're connected. We're A System. we share experiences and memories. we're all connected to each other. that's only just clicked for me, i think. it's just kinda hit me that learning to feel okay with connecting and being attached to the others in the system in a healthy way is actually really, really important.

it's 4am and this is really rambly and incoherent and doesn't make a lot of sense but i wanted to get this out somewhere.

- alice

That sounds really good! Gives me a warm feeling inside .

Hi Alice,

This sounds really insightful, and I think you're onto something really good.

Making us think too, about our own system & inside relationships.

Thanks for sharing.

V2

Over the last ten years I have developed a connection to each part. Recently when Paul showed up it was like "oh yeah, Paul isn't a fictional character the twins just chat about, he's an actual part of me" And we welcomed him. He was quite violent and controlling but when we punched our ex a few times, shoved him, and the police did nothing because "we're a woman" as far as I could work out that was basically the only reason we were not arrested because reverse genders and we would of been soooo nicked we went to domestic violence courses - 3 times to make sure enough parts got it. They teach abuse dynamics and we read alot too. So now Paul is not only master of when someone is being unfair or unreasonable he also has no desire to be that way to other people. He was using his skills of manipulation internally to make us all work together. He doesn't like to be out because nearly everything irritates him - it's like he sees through everything and everyone from TV adverts to somebody trying to placate us on the phone when they've messed up and he doesn't take prisoners. So we have a connection to him but as an alter he can't really make connections because it's not in him to do that - he's basically an abuser but he doesn't abuse anymore which makes him depressed and hollow but he likes to see the others feel good. He says it's like he can almost taste how we feel but it's just out of reach. I guess he's a protector really, we saw him as an abuser because that's his actions in the outside world or was and I went through this terrible time where I constantly thought "omg I'm an abuser. I punch my bf. Nobody cares and they just let me get away with it. I'm an abuser, I don't know what to do" it was awful and then we did classes. And now Paul is a valued member of this whole person because as horrible as it is to be Paul, he'll tell you how horrible it is, he has such in-depth knowledge of abuse dynamics and contractive skikks, that he's incredibly lover and valued. I would not recommend being an outside friend of Paul or spending time with him because he's not fun really but we love him. So it's possible to connect with any part I think, even if they can't properly connect with you. Paul see's us like he's watching a really good TV show (our outside life) and it's got really #######5 lately and he's not having it. He's going to make sure all his pieces are back in place and better off emotionally. Which isn't connection, it's ownership and unhealthy but we're connected to him so that's what counts when you're in one body. If I met him outside I'd avoid him - he's laughing. He said "connection to others is all there really is in life. If you can't connect it's a terrible hell to live in. If you can then embrace it whether internally or externally" The twins, Paul, the overlord would all integrate in a heartbeat. Other parts wouldn't because they would be loosing the friends they have internally, their connections, and because they're not sure how integrating with the more difficult parts would make us as a person. So connection and attachment are brilliant but also come with loss and are sort of a weakness even though they are a massive strength and take strength to have even though one day you could loose them.

One day perhaps I'll make a connection without dissociation. I did once, I lost the friendship and was heartbroken but I survived so I can do it and maybe I'll do it again. Other than that once every outside person has been without a real connection. I got more upset loosing that friendship than when people had died and that's when I realised I'd actually connected with someone and had never connected with anyone before. Which is both sad but also a hope.

raptureblues wrote:all the work i've put in the past year, to talk to the others in the system and learn how to connect with them, is way more important than i realised. i feel safer connecting to them now. i feel like it's okay to feel attached to them in a "i don't need to be terrified of them poofing out of existence on me, it's okay to get used to them being here and connect with them" sort of way. i don't know if that makes sense.

This is something we're fighting through, too. The acceptance, and trying to learn HOW to connect with everyone. We've made great progress between Pixie and I. Less so with Kitten & Kaleb, and almost NONE with anyone else. It's a terribly confusing process. Seeing others are doing it and making progress IS encouraging. It's nice, too, that we're not the only ones having to "learn" how to talk to ourselves...

That "poofing out of existence" concern I think is more subtle and background for me, for us. I think we get that they don't and won't... but it's a fear anyway. I am just now starting to realize how much I have needed and relied on them, and getting to know them. The notion of NOT having them is actually terrifying.

raptureblues wrote:i think it's like... this idea that connecting with the others in the system is going to help me with connecting to outside people too. i'm sharing my life with the others in the system, my body with them, my mind with them. we're not random fragments of identities or consciousnesses or whatever. we're connected. We're A System. we share experiences and memories. we're all connected to each other. that's only just clicked for me, i think. it's just kinda hit me that learning to feel okay with connecting and being attached to the others in the system in a healthy way is actually really, really important.

- alice

THIS... WOW... that first line... This entire post was insightful and very similar to things we're barely beginning to understand... but this paragraph, from the very first line, puts it so well- so much of what we're thinking, feeling, and wondering. That connection you mention is something we're FINALLY accepting internally, myself and the others, that we co-exist and cant' and don't exist without each other. It's a massive realization and hard to come to terms with- yet, you state it so eloquently and so "matter of fact".
Thank you so so much for sharing this! It was NOT 'rambling' at all, but very very well thought out and helpful! Thanks for putting to words what we're struggled to think.

Sometimes, being connected is something that is tough to accept. We are co-aware and a lot co-conscious, though I sometimes can retreat to my own part of the inside world. But it also means, Theia (the host) feels like they have not intimacy because of the co-consciousness. Which in turn, can be sort of... displeasing for me, when I cannot isolate myself. We make do.

Communication is not our issue. At least, not for the host and me. There might be others lurcking, that we do not know of, or are barely aware of, but since they almost never front, it is not an issue for the everyday life. They feel like shadows passing by. Though it might be interesting to get to know them. But it could be dangerous too, as in, some trauma-bomb could blow up to our faces.

We will find a solution eventually.

-X-