Can I get my alters to communicate or show themselves?

I think I have DID but I don’t know how to make it clear

I wish I could have everyone in the front at once but it doesn’t work that way

I’m seeing this therapist and I want to tell her I think I have at the very least OSDD, but I always manage to seem fine in the meetings so she never gets to witness me switch

It takes an immense stressor to force that out and it’s not a pleasant experience so I would rather not trigger it

But I feel like understanding these fragments may help me to find unison ultimately... or to understand why they exist.

I don’t know why this happened, I was 9 when I had a significant trauma but they say you have to be younger than 8 for trauma to cause DID.

Maybe the cut off isn’t too precise? Or maybe I just don’t remember my trauma.

I feel in the dark here, about the existence of my alters. They only show up when triggered to and they take over so inconspicuously sometimes that I don’t know I have switched until it’s over

And it leaves me questioning, was that a switch? Or... did my personality just- change a bit

I want to distinctly know all my alters but I feel like there is so many that would be impossible to keep track of it all

You can imagine the confusion I feel, about who I am is very very torn but that’s beside the point

The frustrating part is that I can’t just sit down in a room and talk to them or interact

Because they only are me they don’t exist without assuming the body other than in the form of thought that serve to argue with me in my thoughts sometimes

But I can’t have a conversation with them they speak as they please and I can’t force them to respond

It’s more like interjections to my own thoughts but if I were to stop and try to reply to one there wouldn’t be a convo just only more interjections


I’m so busy arguing in my own head that I don’t know who I am and can’t make pertinent decisions about my life. Like career choices or, sexuality, or religion. I don’t, know who I am because I’m many

It’s so frustrating

I keep thinking it will all just go away if I can take control but that doesn’t make it go away

The switches and the arguing and interjections will still happen you can’t just ignore it

I just want to know who I am in all of this but I don’t know because the line between me and then is so unclear sometimes. Other times I can see it clear as day. Other times I forget they’re there, and slip into someone else without even knowing it till much later. I don’t reslly understand.

I guess I’m asking how do you have oversight? How can you bring them to the front to converse with each other in a room without arguing and bickering! Or having a panic attack

I cant communicate with mine either. They talk as they wish as well. I feel your frustration. I have heard that 9 is the cut off for forming DID. Not positive though. I dont see how they can put a cut off time for how trauma effects someone anyway.

Hi Knox, glad you're posting.

I’m seeing this therapist and I want to tell her I think I have at the very least OSDD, but I always manage to seem fine in the meetings so she never gets to witness me switch

The sooner you start this, the sooner you can start getting specific help. Your T doesn't have to see you switch to begin this conversation. The first alters mostly aren't going show up in therapy until they trust the T. Not the alter regularly seeing to the T now, who may already trust the T, the other alters. (With DID, everyone is an alter or a part.)

Or maybe I just don’t remember my trauma.

This is extremely common in DID. If you have DID, chances are it began well before age 9 based on most published research.

I feel in the dark here, about the existence of my alters.

I think this is the way it starts for most of us.

And it leaves me questioning, was that a switch? Or... did my personality just- change a bit

Sounds like a standard switch to me. When you have DID and you notice a distinct personality change, especially one that's consistent over time, even though you're completely aware of it happening and don't feel confident saying "this is definitely not me, it's somebody else" -- it's likely another alter, not you. Next time this happens, you could try saying something to them while watching from inside. Maybe "hi, my name's ___, what's your name?" or "I don't think we're the same person, what do you think?" Maybe don't do this while driving a car or standing on a cliff? No point in shocking someone not used to being talked to like that.

I want to distinctly know all my alters but I feel like there is so many that would be impossible to keep track of it all

Wanting to know is a huge advantage towards knowing! You'll handle it over time, it sounds like you're starting with a good attitude. You want to know. There are 75 knowns alters in my system at this point. It has taken us some time but we're able to keep great track of everyone by writing down key details as we get them. When I don't record it, it can fade quickly.

The frustrating part is that I can’t just sit down in a room and talk to them or interact

Because they only are me they don’t exist without assuming the body other than in the form of thought that serve to argue with me in my thoughts sometimes

But I can’t have a conversation with them they speak as they please and I can’t force them to respond

Communication will happen as long as you keep that open, eager attitude, get some outside help, and don't fall into overwhelming denial. It's inevitable, based on everything I've read in DID literature and on this forum.

I keep thinking it will all just go away if I can take control but that doesn’t make it go away

Ironically, the idea that you it can or will all go away probably won't go away for quite some time. It will keep happening, it's how alters who take care of life stuff and don't hold trauma tend to operate.

I just want to know who I am in all of this but I don’t know because the line between me and then is so unclear sometimes. Other times I can see it clear as day. Other times I forget they’re there, and slip into someone else without even knowing it till much later. I don’t reslly understand.

Not to understate what you just wrote, but this is completely, utterly normal for someone with DID. It's the normal day-to-day experience for me/us. We still can't always answer the question "exactly who is fronting right now?"

Thank you, all of this has been really helpful.

Hey Knox,

So there's a couple things we've learned (or we're still learning lol) that we can share. Also we're like not yet having reliable communication, like not at all. It's sporadic at best, comes and goes, etc. We're getting better tho, like slowly getting there.

So first and maybe biggest thing is to be patient. Like be patient with yourself and patient with your other parts. DID systems are like, meant to be secret and hidden and stuff, it keeps you all safe. So there's a lifetime of keeping hidden and secretive and stuff that you all gotta overcome.

Trust is another big one, like they gotta trust you and you gotta trust them. So again take stuff slow, be respectful to each other, and try not to upset each other and stuff. Don't say mean things about them, that kinda thing.

This $#%^ can be really scary sometimes, and some parts themselves can seem really scary or nasty or whatever. But you're all like in the same body and brain, you're all part of each other kinda thing? And the ones that might seem mean, are like that cos at some point it was the best way to keep all of you safe. So even if some are unpleasant at first, don't like 'retaliate' or whatever. Just treat all of them with kindness and patience and love, or at least friendship.

And a big one that some of us are still struggling with here, is acceptance. Like not just about a diagnosis or a label or whatever, but honestly truly accepting the others. And accepting that some really bad $#%^ hapened to us, even if we don't remember it or know all the details.

And accepting that those stray random thots and feelings and stuff in our head really aren't 'mine' or whatever. Accepting that the 'wierd' or 'random' urges, like to do things "i" don't wanna do, really aren't just 'me' being wierd but are the desires or needs of our other parts.

Cos communication isn't just words, right? It's not just like, "hey fellow headmate how are you today?" It's emotions, its desires, its abstract random thots.

When we're channel surfing and feel a wierd 'tug' to stop on like some show for like 5yo kids or whatever, instead of like automatically thinking "ugh thats stupid why would i want ot watch that crap?" its realizing "oh maybe one of the littles wants to watch that." and then either you let them watch, or at least you explain why you can't right now. (Like you got people over and don't wanna explain to them or whatever lol.)

That's not to say you should stop trying to talk, just be more open and accepting that the 'answers' you get might not be straight up words. And maybe they just don't wanna talk now. Maybe they wanna talk at times that's not good for you too. So I guess another thing is to learn compromise and stuff. Like, you're sharing this life so you can't always get it all your own way.

Anyways I've rambled on enough I guess. Take care & good luck!

Viola

p.s. we journal a lot. Like write in a book. Like a diary I guess. Sometimes that helps cos the others can write back. Not often for us, just sometimes. But it helps anyways cos it helps us focus our own thots and they can read it even if they don't write. It also helps when the doubt and denial hits. Like we can open our book and see like, 3 or 4 different handwritings, doodles that one of the littles have made, read $#%^ we can't remember cos it happened to someone else, etc.

One of the hardest things for me, because we have a lot of co-consciousness, is remembering that just because I know something, it doesn't mean that everyone else in here knows it. Or understands it. Things that seem obvious to me are not obvious or understandable to, for example, the littles. I (or whoever) need to explain things to them in a more basic way. Even our plan for the day.

Lately, I've been trying to talk out loud more (when I'm alone) to sort of narrate what we're doing, just like you would with a baby, and that seems to be very grounding and soothing to some of the very young ones (I guess).

We also try to journal, and we use different colored pens to keep track of who is writing. One of the hardest things for us is seeing feelings being written about that we're not aware of feeling at all. Or having parts writing back and forth in a conversation that *I'm* not really a part of. We just have to stay calm and accept that it's real.

Hi Knox, and welcome to the forum.

We have a saying around here: "Situation normal." Which means that what you're experiencing and describing is all part and parcel of being multiple, and is common to others here. We understand, and this makes it easier to be supportive of each other and to encourage each other.

Our system has been on this journey for a long time. We used to journal, especially before we knew we were multiple. Now we blog, and we post here, and doing so has become a journal of sorts. We go through periods where we have less to say, or perhaps don't have the energy or the words to say much. But the important thing is that we've developed a support system of people and resources to help us know that we're not alone.

We also have a very good T that we've been seeing for over 15 years. We had another T immediately prior, who we saw for five and a half years before she retired. Both of them have helped us immensely.

You've come to a good place. We hope that you'll find it as helpful and supportive as we have.

Mary and others

Hi,

It took us a LONG time to trust Host. I mean adults hurt us so we don't trust adults. Host spent a lot of time being really kind and super steady before we could even think about trusting him. He worked with our T just to learn to be a good host for us and that was HARD. There's no way we were going to just talk to him before we knew it was safe.

Good luck,

Iain