Who really knows you?

Realised today that with a person with DID it can take alot longer to get to know them. I think the guy I work with has DID, I see his alters. I saw one today that I don't see very often and I realised to get to know someone with DID they have to share their inner world.

This made me realise how vast my own inner world is and that my current partner is really the only person I've ever shared any of that with.

Also as a side note I got to the bottom of "who is in love with him" It's Fortune (one of the twins). I ruled out everyone else and I asked her what she would say to him if she could and it was all lovey stuff which isn't really like her. And also he looks like Batcho (the other twin) so it makes sense now. Also she only ever deals with the horrible office lady so it also makes sense I haven't felt it for a long time because she hasn't been around him - probably of her own choice. My other clue is Rose is often pushed forward to talk to him because she talks with genuine care and only one of the twins could force that (she's their mother) and also probably why Rose has bad smelly ears because then he won't want to go near her. My ears only smell when Rose is present, which is really really weird but it's true, my partner also has noticed how they can smell and then not smell randomly. Gross and weird.

So my question: who knows you? (as a whole and who knows the deep dark secrets of your mind).

Not a soul

Our T comes closest, but ultimately, no one but us.

MDs

nobody.

1. I'm taking some secrets to the grave. no apologies.
2. People suck. Not worth trusting.
3. This is the only place I talk about my actual life.
4. Anytime I go out in public. it's basically just this RPG everybody else calls life. I only feel safe at home. and I don't like a lot of visitors.
5. once my daughter is grown I can go full Rambo in the woods and she can visit her old crazy mom out there.

I am also learning that apathy is a feature of this CTE/TES #######4. so there may be a reason, I just don't give a ###$.

As we're co-present and use passive influence a lot, the closest people around me (ones I live with, have to live with a part of the year and the ones I talk with a lot and really trust) know about my system. We tried to hide it, but it just kept leading to the same arguments : you don't pay attention to anything, you don't listen to what I say, you have no consistency, you're too sensible why are you like that ? etc.
But most of the people who knows never met anyone (officially at least) beside me. Letting people knows we're multiple is a thing, letting people knows us or a part of us is another one.

The only one who met some insiders was my ex-girlfriend (doesn't have DID) and two ex-best friends (both have DID or OSDD).

Noone knows us.

We barely know ourselves/each other, in several ways.

Our closest friends know about our DID, and have met a few of us. Our best friend knows a few of us, a bit.

But like BeccaBee, there's some secrets we'll never tell, some things will never be spoken or shared.

Fluxes

Like VioletFlux we barely know ourselves and everyone outside knows way less than we do.

Most people only get like one or two pieces of a huge puzzle. Even over best friend, who knows that we are multiple and has spoken to some others, is only scratching at the surface of who we are and what is going on in our mind.

Sometimes I wonder about longtime ex-partner of one former host, because one little has memories of this guy, interacting with us like he was a child himself. Either the ex did know that we have a little-me, or he was multiple himself and we both didn't know, that alters of us did interact . It would explain a LOT in this relationship...

Anyways... consciously we share almost nothing with outsiders. I am confused enough myself with everything that is going on and I am struggling to understand it. It would be even worse for others.

I'm pretty much the same as all of you. Keep myself to myself, don't trust people, realised I don't know parts of myself as well as I thought.

When i saw the part who I don't see often come out in the guy I work with I realised to know him as a whole person it'd take getting to know his inner world because where did he go? I don't really think about it with myself. The guy I work with might not have an inner world or he might, I don't know but it made me realise because of how DID is other people don't know me because of this inner world.

My partner/bf asks questions of "what does this one like, what does that one like?" "who is it that does this and who does that?" I don't think I would of noticed my ears coming and going if my partner wasn't around. I wouldn't of noticed and I wouldn't of found out who had bad ears. I'd of just thought sometimes they're ok and sometimes they're not. My bf was asking alot of questions and wanting to know who he was talking to alot and it got to much for me so we agreed on a couple of weeks break of that unless I bring it up because it's necessary which he has stuck to but it's made me reflect more.

Having someone ask questions is actually a good thing, even though I didn't like it because I felt under a microscope. The other night my bf took Mandy out to get food but she got the giggles and told him "I have to go, I can't be in a burger shop giggling it'll look mad" so she pulled forward Patrick who will always draw Rose a little forward and he stumbled when he got out of the car. Rose said "oh great he's drunk" His thoughts were "oh great I'm wearing a fluffy pink jumper...who cares" then a guy was walking in behind us and he thought (luckily he didn't say it out loud) "what the f are you looking at" but when the guy said thanks because he was also holding the door open with his hand he realised the guy didn't care "he's" wearing a fluffy pink jumper. Then, because he was drunk, Mandy decided to get the next easiest available person to her which was no-one. No-one doesn't like social situations yet so Patrick said "I have to go sit in the car" Patrick sat with no-one in the car and they had an internal conversation. No-one felt frightened by a guy walking passed so Patrick said "don't worry I've got him" and kept telling no-one she's ok, she's safe. She said to him that he doesn't want to sit there with her and he said "I gotta get away from the wife" (Rose) in a jokey way.

When my bf came out of the burger shop Mandy shared all this with him because she was now laughing about all of that and not what originally set her off. The bf asked "where was he" meaning Patrick because he was drunk. It wouldn't of occurred to wonder where he was if the bf hadn't asked. So Mandy asked him. He said he was in the pub. The bf asked the name of the pub and the street so Mandy told him. It's not a name of a pub I've ever been in. The bf said Google it. Beth is the Googler so she Googled it. A drawing of an old pub from the 18th century that had been knocked down a hundred years ago came up. The description was basically it was full of dodgy people and eventually after a hundred years it was shut. The description of the pubs clientele annoyed Patrick and he thought it's not a nice way to document a old place.

If Mandy hadn't shared any of what happened internally the rest of me wouldn't remember it. It's not actioned in the outside world and was in reality just internal dialogue between a couple of alters - it's not "real" in the conventional sense, it's internal conversation with imaginary things - a drunk guy, a frightened young woman, a giggling child. The rest of us wouldn't remember that and we certainly wouldn't of found out the name of Patricks pub or looked into it without sharing it.

My bf is not a big fan of psychology. He seems to simply want to know each alter and know what's going on for me internally. He doesn't try to analyse it, takes it at face value and sees the funny side when it's funny. But I'm actually finding it helpful. At first I found it intrusive and I thought he wanted to use my condition against me somehow. It was heightened because he noticed how I was different at different times, more than just mood changes and I felt incredibly exposed. Mandy told him everything and still tells him stuff because she doesn't see it in a "mad" way, she sees it in a "it's how it is way" and sees it as "ok" so she doesn't have the hang ups and fears the rest of us have of being hospitalised or medicated.

When i asked the question I guessed most people would say there was nobody who knew them or their therapist or one or two close people.

In a world where everyone had DID conversing about alters would be normal. You'd go visit a friend and say something like "Patrick really wanted to see Pixie today" and the friend might say "no problem" or "Pixie is busy planting flowers etc" at the moment. It'd be "normal" and I think it'd actually be ok.

I didn't really have a point to writing this. I don't know if I've accidently made points. I was literally just sharing.

Have great days.

we had a T who at least knew more than anyone else.
by now I think that some of the 'veterans' on this forum might know us best as a system.
you also only know a part, because our offline life looks different...
DID is known to be a lonely thing. even amoung us, the knowing and understanding is limited.

birdsong87 wrote:we had a T who at least knew more than anyone else.
by now I think that some of the 'veterans' on this forum might know us best as a system.
you also only know a part, because our offline life looks different...
DID is known to be a lonely thing. even amoung us, the knowing and understanding is limited.

I find I can be alone but not lonely. I don't know what lonely is. I think it's alot of how it starred for me. I was the first child and had imaginary friends. Batcho one of the twins is the one I always remembered even when I couldn't see him anymore by about age 5. I saw him outside once after a trauma and in the middle of that becoming on going - he was sitting on my stairs and said "I'm coming" I kept half expecting him to actually show up, as an outside person, but the rest of me knew that wasn't going to happen. I think partially why I feel connected to the guy at work is because he looks so much like Batcho but I also know that's just coincidence. Later in therapy I realised Batcho is an alter. I had other imaginary friends when small but I don't remember if they were my other alters.

Back to about loneliness: my life could look very lonely but it's not felt. Mandy will go out for the day with the Twins or just Fortune or with no-one too. They look at stuff together, they share experience of it and they sometimes say things like "I used to go there when I was..." Which I take to mean it's similar to inside world. I shared a bit of a day out to a museum here and that's why I can remember their internal bit because otherwise I'd only remember the museum - what was physically done. I can be alone but not lonely which I put to be like a child who has imaginary friends. I don't mind sharing my internal life a bit with my bf now but I don't need to if that makes sense - Mandy likes to because to her it feels "normal" and we let her since we're pretty sure this guy doesn't have alteria motive especially because he cried and gets emotionally upset when one alter leaves and another comes in if he sees it. He says it's like watching someone die and he finds it hard - Mandy explained when we die we all die together, we all have to live some kind of outside life because that's fair and that their just going to do other stuff internally - but it made us trust him slightly more and he seems to have accepted it although he was depressed and emotionally effected for a couple of days when Mandy and no-one left him and Rose showed up. Also when Mandy said I have to go now for the first time and Karen switched in he didn't take that at all well and started crying. To us it's just normal. We thought Karen actually died once which was terrible but she hadn't. The twins have played with "I'm dead" for as long as I can remember. Even as a small child and they were imaginary friends they'd kill eachother and then come back to life. They did it last night when I was getting out the bath. I had this odd superstition from young that if the water drains out the bath while you're in it then it sucks your soul down the plug hole and kills you. Which I grew out of btw. But when I was getting out the bath last night I thought of it and Batcho said "you can kill yourself by believing the plug killed you?" and he tried it and "died" and I nearly fell out the bath because he fell away from the body. He's not dead, he's back, but temporarily like a child playing a game "he died" I got interrupted typing this and have no clue why I am. Apologies.

-- Sat Apr 13, 2019 12:44 pm --

Oh yes, I was writing why I believe it looks lonely but it doesn't feel lonely. And that I think it stems in part from feeling alone as a child and having imaginary friends to compensate for the lonely feeling - that's why I wrote the last reply.