Unintentional Imposters

VioletFlux wrote:[...] I can remember a few bits and pieces of what happened the rest of the evening, but it's like it was a dream? Foggy, indistinct, bits and pieces. I do remember when our friend returned, she could tell something was different, and asked who I was, and I remember saying 'Violet'.

[...] So I wasn't entirely blacked out... but I wasn't really there either. I don't know who actually was there, but I'm sure they thought they were me?

Violet

this is how it is for me whenever someone switches out with me. my awareness jumps, but i have hazy dream-like memories to somewhat fill the gap, but it still feels like lost time even if i didn't black out. most of us here didn't know who we were at first, either because we'd forgotten (or been made to forget) or because we'd only ever gone by [body name] and never realised that we were multiple at all.

maybe whoever was out didn't know who they were either? or ended up confused about whether they were you or themself? we sometimes get that, where if i've been in the "pilot seat" too long, anyone switching out with me has a hard time shaking off my lingering presence and can get confused about who they are, if that makes sense. you could maybe ask in your journal if anyone knows who was out?

either way, i'm glad you got home safe. i hope things become clearer soon.

- alice

Thanks Alice,

I'm sure whoever it was, they were confused or they did think they were me. I don't think it was someone being deceptive.

I've been emailing with our friend a bit today and she was all "I Knew It!!" when I told her about blanking out at around 8pm, said she could tell immediately something was different. She said when she asked who "I" was, that "I" acted surprised or startled by the question...

She also reminded me of a few things that were discussed after that. I did remember one thing, but had like 100% blank for two others. But when she mentioned those two subjects, then I could remember the gist of them.

I don't remember them as a conversation I was a part of though? Like, I remember that the topics were discussed, and I know the results of the conversations, but I don't remember actually participating in them. It's more like... reading the synopsis of a movie? So like, you know 'what happens' without having actually seen it.

Violet

That is a description of 99% of our memory. It's like remembering what you learnt from reading a book or sitting in a class but not like we personally experienced it. Then I start feeling like did this really happen or do I just think it did? And then I start doubting myself and our experiences. In the past I've just expressed what I think is true alot and just done it with conviction and people just don't realise how unsure I am, or I have just kept quiet and said nothing . But lately I've tried to be more honest but that seems to just confuse people.

This thread totally strikes a chord with me cuz like recently Zor had a super hard talk with his wife and she's kinda mad at/about us, myself, Kitten, etc... Cuz like we've been around like forever and sometimes were out and never told ppl. We just like pretended to be him to like hide what happened, cuz like no one knew (not even Zor most of our lives)... She said we, cuz of this, were "dishonest and manipulative"...

Then again, she also like has a super simplistic "they exist to protect you, they have no right to interfere or exist in the real world" kinda view of us, too... Like, ok, sure... maybe like whatever happened that like caused us all to be was like a shared "protection" thingy- but it's not like I exist JUST TO PROTECT HIM. Sure, I have more of that like role than others of us, but it's not like it's the all-consuming character trait or focus of my life. *smh* Honestly, I think she's like not getting it and she's partly in like denial about it all cuz they've been married so long and never figured it out or something. IDK

But this like being out and hiding it kinda deal... totally get that, and it's not "dishonest" if you're like pretending to be the usual host, the person ppl that see the body expect the body to be. Cuz like we're all here all part of the same like body and together we're like "us". So like if _I_ am out, to the world it's still the same person... I'm just a diff part of us... Just cuz I don't kick and scream and demand to be called by my name and roll with it when I'm called the body's name isn't dishonest, it's just not like shattering their reality and their expectations... cuz really, all of us in here, Zor included, are PART OF ONE like being... the collective of us IS who we are... so any ONE of is is still US. Even if not like the one the world expects or a given person wants or thinks it is.

{\Pixie/}

Zor wrote:This thread totally strikes a chord with me cuz like recently Zor had a super hard talk with his wife and she's kinda mad at/about us, myself, Kitten, etc... Cuz like we've been around like forever and sometimes were out and never told ppl. We just like pretended to be him to like hide what happened, cuz like no one knew (not even Zor most of our lives)... She said we, cuz of this, were "dishonest and manipulative"...

Then again, she also like has a super simplistic "they exist to protect you, they have no right to interfere or exist in the real world" kinda view of us, too... Like, ok, sure... maybe like whatever happened that like caused us all to be was like a shared "protection" thingy- but it's not like I exist JUST TO PROTECT HIM.

{\Pixie/}

Wow. That sounds really hard. The whole point of DID is to be hidden, so it sounds like she needs more education about trauma-related dissociation (or needs it repeated until she gets it). You were pretending to be like him because what other choice did you really have that wouldn't blow up his life?? Alters don't just protect--they serve a lot of different functions. Does she realize that Zor is an alter also? There's no person in the system that isn't one. Just because he's out all the time and looks like the body doesn't make him more real than you.

I think she isn't getting, or doesn't want to accept, that ALL of you together is who she is married to.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Wow. That sounds really hard. The whole point of DID is to be hidden, so it sounds like she needs more education about trauma-related dissociation (or needs it repeated until she gets it). You were pretending to be like him because what other choice did you really have that wouldn't blow up his life?? Alters don't just protect--they serve a lot of different functions. Does she realize that Zor is an alter also? There's no person in the system that isn't one. Just because he's out all the time and looks like the body doesn't make him more real than you.

I think she isn't getting, or doesn't want to accept, that ALL of you together is who she is married to.

So I think she's in a bit of denial and struggling to come to terms with this. We've known for about 5-6 months... We've been married 16 years.

So to see me as an alter, a piece of the whole, is very hard if not impossible. She sees the others as "pieces of me", not us all as "pieces of a single whole". And since they don't look like the body and have different internal lives and I do not, she struggles to see the reality of their lives and how they can be reconciled with the reality of these other pieces of us all existing.

I think if I can get her to understand that I would not be who I am without these pieces of us, if they didn't exist... maybe things will get better- and I think time will help, too..

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Wow. That sounds really hard. The whole point of DID is to be hidden, so it sounds like she needs more education about trauma-related dissociation (or needs it repeated until she gets it). You were pretending to be like him because what other choice did you really have that wouldn't blow up his life?? Alters don't just protect--they serve a lot of different functions. Does she realize that Zor is an alter also? There's no person in the system that isn't one. Just because he's out all the time and looks like the body doesn't make him more real than you.

I think she isn't getting, or doesn't want to accept, that ALL of you together is who she is married to.

It is like SUPER hard... We've slowly tried to like get to know Zor cuz he IS the one out all the time and never knew we existed at all... so we got to know him, ppl he knows, etc... and ultimately that kinda blew up in our faces... some of us didn't know we weren't like our own person, and that was an issue, too- but mostly it was ppl like outside feeling like they'd been lied to by Zor cuz they found out through like technical ways that we're all connected, like one person- and they thought immediately it was like evil deceitful stuff...

Even after like knowing about us and the doctors saying what's going on they don't wanna like even consider it's legit... sadly his wife is kinda hostile cuz of this mess, too- "they interfered with my life, they had no right to do that..." and like "they lied to people" - not technically true. We talked about US, our lives... and only two of us knew it was like "inside" and not like out there... and like you point out, how could we like say "oh hey btw... this is like 'inside' and you won't understand this but..." heck WE didn't know what to call it and the "terms" for everything until recently.

For a long time we thought EVERYONE was like this... Kitten and I knew, but cuz we're like co-conscious and stuff, and we like thought literally like everyone has this sorta like existence... "Part of me says..." and like talking about "inner child" etc... It sounded like us, our kinda like thing... it wasn't until kinda recently we realized it was so diff. By then... it was like too late and stuff.

IDK... it's gonna be a super hard mess for a while. I can't write in our journal cuz she's been reading it- and I DON'T want to like share everything I wanna with Zor with his wife. Not necessarily even if she was super friendly about this. It's personal between us, within us, and I wanna keep it that way- it's like writing down thoughts cuz we can't like share them directly *yet- it IS a goal for us.

{\Pixie/}

Zor's wife has no right what so ever to read your journal. All stuff inside your system is purely your things, YOU decide what you wanna share about it and what not. You can't read her mind either, the fact she can do it to you because you are so traumatized your mind is in parts, doesn't give her the right to do such thing.

Floralie wrote:Zor's wife has no right what so ever to read your journal. All stuff inside your system is purely your things, YOU decide what you wanna share about it and what not. You can't read her mind either, the fact she can do it to you because you are so traumatized your mind is in parts, doesn't give her the right to do such thing.

Yeah, he was surprised when she started to like talk about things we had written in it... Super shocked like.

{\Pixie/}

she has no right to read the journal you guys use. it is private and personal and it is not shared with her by default just because she is married to zor. anyone claiming they have a "right" to read such things is, going to be blunt, a controlling asshole. if zor felt okay sharing it, that's one thing, but then again that'd be up to all of you.

it sounds like she and some other people are taking it personally when they shouldn't be. it's my number one pet peeve, when someone sees you suffering, or sees you cope in a certain way because you're suffering, and makes it about them. saying you should trust them, even if your trust issues are by association from past trauma and (mostly) not personal. saying you shouldn't have "lied", when you weren't even aware of what was going on in the first place. what are they expecting?! it's so entitled!

sorry this makes us really mad, i'm sorry you're stuck in this mess right now. i don't know what to suggest other than looking into zor's wife coming to a therapy session maybe? if she heard stuff from the therapist, maybe it'd change her perspective. it might just take some getting used to as well and over time things might settle down. if they don't, we're at least always here for you guys.

- alice