Unintentional Imposters

This is something that's sort of come out from another thread but it's something we've wondered about in our system for many months.

We have times where someone is fronting who acts like me, or V1, or another well-known part, but afterwards we realize that it wasn't who we thought. Or we also have times where someone is fronting and has no idea who they are - we spend like the full day being confused and disoriented and whatever.

We had a bit of a revelation this morning that I think explains this. For our system at least.

See, I was talking with Viola, and asking her stuff. I remember 'being her' when she was fronting on Monday. But I don't remember her memories of being inside. I can't get to our inner world. She can. And I was wondering why when 'i' am 'her' I can't get at those memories from her.

I had this with Rebecca too, one time she was fronting and I was trying to pick at her memories cos she knows almost everything about the system. Rebecca explained it at that time, that only part of her fronted and the rest stayed inside, and that is why the part I was feeling out front, didn't have the memories I was trying to access.

What suddenly hit today, was that it's not just Rebecca who 'divides' like that when she fronts. (Typical of her though to only describe it in so limited terms that we thought it was just her, and intentional on her behalf.) In fact it's like a screen or a filter.

The 'inside self' cannot be known to the 'outside self'! In our system at least, there is a filter protecting the outside self, in fact all of outside in general, from the knowledge and memories of the inner world!

This explains so much! Like previous host who was so oblivious to all this, but we know experienced switching and stuff. When others fronted, they weren't just pretending to be her or acting like her, they may have thought they were her! Just different mannerisms, different opinions, different 'state of mind'. Because all the deeper stuff stays behind when they front! It's not just lost to the 'host', it's temporarily denied to the others when they front...

Except that filter is degrading. Got holes in it or whatever. And / or, some of our parts can willfully bypass it. Or when they front, not as much is filtered out...

So when we have someone fronting who's acting like me and says they're me, it isn't necessarily a deception. It's entirely possible that at the time, they truly believe they are me. Because they find themselves in 'my' body and with 'my' ID and 'my' music etc etc and just assume they must be me.

Heck that's why I took older Violet's name the first time I fronted! I thought I was her even though I felt younger and different and knew something was wierd. So I said I was Violet, cos I knew I wasn't Rebecca. It wasn't till like a few days later that we all knew I wasn't just an age-slided version of older Violet. So my first experience out wasn't willfully pretending to be her, I just didn't know enough of who I was yet, and ended up taking her name. lol.

Or when someone is fronting and don't know who they are, maybe enough of themselves got caught by the filter, but enough got through that they recognize that they aren't me, but they don't know who they actually are.

And as one of the 'main front people' most of my existance is on 'this side' of the filter, so when I try to go inside, maybe I do succeed but just don't remember it lol. I dunno it gets complicated and confusing.

But, for our system at least, I don't think anyone is being an imposter on purpose. I think they're confused. And I think that 'filter' or 'screen' is wearing apart, part of the analogy of the walls starting to crumble, which is why we're even aware of each other at all.

So I kinda want to tear that screen or filter down, but I also kinda recognize it's probably been an important part of our 'security' for a long long time...

V2

I'm not always able to recognise who is fronting or here with me either and I don't know if they know either. Information and knowledge is very controlled in our system. We did a system map awhile ago and drew arrows connecting us. Solid line arrows for those that can travel and leave there place in the mind and where they can go and dotted ones for where people can send thoughts. But it's more then that. It's not just movement and thought that is restricted so is memory and knowledge. Who knows what and who is allowed to know what is ontrolled and restricted. Occasionally memories are shared but infrequently and when they are shared it's very deliberately done. Except what the body is currently experiencing we have a rule that we can't keep that secret. Which is odd because that is one of the oldest rules. But Z seems to be able to separate memories so again with the controlling information. Also on the system map it wasn't just lines to me that only went one way some of the inside ones did a well. So I don't think the inside world is as interactive as some other systems. And I feel like I'm rambling so bye bye. I think someone is here with me cis thinks keep getting harder so real bye bye now

A filter to preserve some separation between outside self and inside world? Hmmm... That's interesting to think about. I wonder if that's why I can't get to the inner world, too. All my alters are in there, most related and/or connected in some way to each other even... but I'm the outsider in that regard. I wonder if there's a sort of filter or something similarly in mine.

The feeling or impression I got was, it's like part of the system's safety or security system.

As in, ok the host isn't supposed to know about the system so they can just get on with day to day functioning stuff. But more than that - when someone 'in the know' does front, this helps to ensure they don't call attention to themselves. That they stay covert because when they're fronting, they maybe don't have any of that knowledge with them, so they can't accidentally spill it.

But the filter was wearing down I guess, for 2 years or wahtever that Stephanie started recognizing the changes in her behavior and identity, cos when V1 was out influencing, I guess more and more of V1 was getting through the filter, and it became more and more noticable.

Not just to previous host, but her friends saw it too. At one point after Stephanie was gone we asked friends if they noticed differences in us versus her, and they said they did, and that they'd started seeing these differences several months before our breakdown/awareness actually came about.

I dunno, maybe it's all just crazytalk and handwaving. I also had 30 or 40 minute conversation with L---- this morning and that revealed a bunch more information and now I'm just totally exhausted lol. Just past noon here and I'm ready for bed.

V2

NyxX wrote:We did a system map awhile ago and drew arrows connecting us. Solid line arrows for those that can travel and leave there place in the mind and where they can go and dotted ones for where people can send thoughts.

That's an interesting idea. I tried to do a map once, it was difficult.. but I've got a better sense of things and better communication (with some) now... Might try it again, and consider this solid/dashed line thing. Thanks for sharing that, it's a great idea.

Zor wrote:

NyxX wrote:We did a system map awhile ago and drew arrows connecting us. Solid line arrows for those that can travel and leave there place in the mind and where they can go and dotted ones for where people can send thoughts.

That's an interesting idea. I tried to do a map once, it was difficult.. but I've got a better sense of things and better communication (with some) now... Might try it again, and consider this solid/dashed line thing. Thanks for sharing that, it's a great idea.

I just drew them as I was told to lol. So we had lines to parts I didn't know at the time and some I still don't know. Enough of them that I felt like I was making it up at the time but now I've met more I'm thinking that probably wasn't the case.

NyxX wrote:

Zor wrote:

NyxX wrote:We did a system map awhile ago and drew arrows connecting us. Solid line arrows for those that can travel and leave there place in the mind and where they can go and dotted ones for where people can send thoughts.

That's an interesting idea. I tried to do a map once, it was difficult.. but I've got a better sense of things and better communication (with some) now... Might try it again, and consider this solid/dashed line thing. Thanks for sharing that, it's a great idea.

I just drew them as I was told to lol. So we had lines to parts I didn't know at the time and some I still don't know. Enough of them that I felt like I was making it up at the time but now I've met more I'm thinking that probably wasn't the case.

Sometimes letting those that know more and better guide us is a good idea, right?

V2 I can relate and have also noticed variations in alters' memory depending on where they are in relation to the front.

This post has so many implications for things that we've been thinking about lately I'm really excited

We have so many problems with trying to identify ourselves/other parts because so many of our subsystems are filled with what we think are "splits of splits" that can only be very slightly divergent in their presentation. So it's like, well I'm pretty sure I'm her, but then so is she, and I remember this was supposed to have happened to x part I think is me a week ago, but I don't really remember, so maybe it's not me?? And a lot of them/us don't seem to be aware that they are actually an individual identity?

So spreading out experience has become a really valuable tool for us, both because with more experiences the little differences between similar parts become more exaggerated as they figure out who they are/who they want to be, and sometimes it makes space for parts who weren't self aware to realise that they are their own lil being!

The filter is an equally fascinating idea.
With all the system hopping we have been doing over the past couple of weeks, different clusters coming in and out of the forefront and me running around like a madwoman in the background learning all kinds of wonderful things about my headmates and listening to Alice make them crack up and then watching Ariel rock up and knock whoever is out at the front to laugh her head off, we've been learning a lot more about the way our system operates and who fits in where. Our latest theory on structure has had us exploring a group we are referring as tertiary alters, who feel "full" somehow and are all extremely distinct in personality but deeply connected to one another by, what appears to be, friendship. We are almost certain that these parts have access to a greater memory base given their proximity to the inner world, however when they are at the front despite them feeling fuller somehow there is no evidence of new memories or any sense that they have more of an idea of what is going on than we do. I related to what you wrote about the filter straight away because in retrospect it almost had a presence, this lack of, like we could only see the tip of the iceberg but could feel further down. I can't wait to start thinking about how this filter might be influencing us 'secondary' alters (brain lurkers), but I have a few ideas already.

thanks for keeping us thinking!!

this really resonates with us. a lot of us here didn't know who we were when we became aware of our own existence (emphasis on "aware"). we had to choose our own names though we all had inherent personalities and ideas about who we were from the outset. so a lot of the others would have a "who am i? am i me or am i [body name]? if i'm [body name], why don't i feel/act like [body name]? if i'm not [body name], why don't i know who i am?" breakdown before finding themselves.

we realised over time that our general memory recall is separate from us and monitored by a specific alter. that alter acts as a defense system that can control who fronts and what gets remembered. so each alter has to access the Brain Facts, as we call it, to remember much of anything. however it seems certain alters do retain some memories of their own that aren't in the Brain Facts. a specific alter recently realised that he had fronted years ago, beyond even his own awareness. he likely went by the body's name, and from what he said he wasn't aware of himself as a unique separate person until he resurfaced a year or so ago.

what you said about keeping the outside and inside separate really resonates with us too. our system seems to be structured in a way that prevents alters from knowing "more than they should", which leads to memory loss and identity confusion. so many of our problems lie in lacking awareness and going through cycles of forgetting and remembering and forgetting again. this likely served a really important function in the past, but now it causes lots of problems.

thank you for sharing, V2. it's nice knowing we're not alone in this.