SCID-D assessment

fireheart wrote:Yes, I agree. ANP and EP are very limited terms...
I also think that EPs can be host. Having separate lives would be scary to me - it must be distressing to find out! And yes, it doesn't fit the description of OSDD, and if you adhere to the strict ANP/EP theory also not to DID. Just goes to show that the theory is limited.

Exactly. And yes, that was very scary. After I found that out, I started digging in old e-mails for pictures (we never kept any pictures of ourselves. R thought this was just selfhatred) and BOOM, I SAW who B, Er, R, J and I were, all of my life. Different people, almost, it's crazy that nobody noticed. They always thought of changes as phases and stuff. And we also changed environments.

fireheart wrote:Yes. I'm starting to think that maybe I should see this as a success. I had a lot of parts front during those years. Lately the switching has been less, more co-consciousness... It felt like the parts "told" me about the trauma and that's how I found out. Sometimes I can also recall periods of amnesia like that now, too. It's like they "tell" me what happened or sometimes at least parts of it.
Maybe I am actually finally integrated enough to NOT be considered as having a dissociative disorder...? Because 8 years ago dissociation WAS my main problem (looking back), and I've come a really long way. Maybe my working theory should be that I had OSDD/DID and the therapy work paid off ?

I honestly deleted that suggestion because I didn't want to invalidate anything by accident, but what if that would be the case indeed? If the therapy was good, eight years could've done a lot!

fireheart wrote:My T tried really hard not to suggest anything, but of course I don't know if she did anyway... I think that I came to her with a list of parts. I didn't think it was DID or anything like that, I just somehow knew that there were all those parts. Don't remember how I found out, but I do remember clearly that I didn't think it was DID. And then I started to realize that I was losing time very regularly.
I don't know how that even fits into all of this.
But if I want to stick to the theory that the therapy integrated me enough - maybe that's why lately I think I've been losing less time and felt less separation.
During the interview I kept thinking, my answer 2 years ago would've been so different. Maybe you would have believed me then...
But ###$ the clinic. They were really stupid.
If my theory is true, it would be a very positive thing !

The clinic is rubbish, either way. It could be a very positive thing, and please also allow yourself to doubt it might that happen. Your experience with that clinic was bad and perhaps you don't know yet how that has affected you. But, yes, eight years is a lot and it would be just awesome if you've already came very far. Which, come to think of it, you have, either way. <3

Bejer wrote:Exactly. And yes, that was very scary. After I found that out, I started digging in old e-mails for pictures (we never kept any pictures of ourselves. R thought this was just selfhatred) and BOOM, I SAW who B, Er, R, J and I were, all of my life. Different people, almost, it's crazy that nobody noticed. They always thought of changes as phases and stuff. And we also changed environments.

Yes, I can imagine how that works. We can also see the alters in old pictures. It can be very unsettling. (And I also don't keep pictures, it is too confusing and feels weird...) I would think the changing of environments probably masked some of it to others around you? (And to yourself?)

Bejer wrote:The clinic is rubbish, either way. It could be a very positive thing, and please also allow yourself to doubt it might that happen. Your experience with that clinic was bad and perhaps you don't know yet how that has affected you. But, yes, eight years is a lot and it would be just awesome if you've already came very far. Which, come to think of it, you have, either way. <3

I've gone back to feeling angry and misunderstood/unheard. I am going to ask my T to contact vdH again. He helped her to determine if it was a dissociative disorder, some years ago.
The clinic's dismissal just... it doesn't sit right with me. My gut tells me that it's incorrect.
I would really like to thank you, Bejer. It means a lot to have someone to talk to about this stuff. <3

fireheart wrote:Yes, I can imagine how that works. We can also see the alters in old pictures. It can be very unsettling. (And I also don't keep pictures, it is too confusing and feels weird...) I would think the changing of environments probably masked some of it to others around you? (And to yourself?)

Unsettling indeed, yes! Sorry you went/go through the same. Although the 'shock' gets less and less here, I hope that's the same for you.

fireheart wrote:I've gone back to feeling angry and misunderstood/unheard. I am going to ask my T to contact vdH again. He helped her to determine if it was a dissociative disorder, some years ago.
The clinic's dismissal just... it doesn't sit right with me. My gut tells me that it's incorrect.
I would really like to thank you, Bejer. It means a lot to have someone to talk to about this stuff. <3

Totally understand that and isn't her diagnosis just as official then?? What I also don't understand; the group you 'applied for' is about traumawork, right? Why need the lable DID to have trauma's that need traumawork? That doesn't even make sense. And they also have groups for C-PTSD?? What's up with that? Are they just finding excuses to not take in as many cliënts because business is not going so well for them or something?:?

You're very welcome and the feeling is mutual!

Bejer wrote:Although the 'shock' gets less and less here, I hope that's the same for you.

Yes, it was a lot harder at first.

Bejer wrote:Totally understand that and isn't her diagnosis just as official then?? What I also don't understand; the group you 'applied for' is about traumawork, right? Why need the lable DID to have trauma's that need traumawork? That doesn't even make sense. And they also have groups for C-PTSD?? What's up with that? Are they just finding excuses to not take in as many cliënts because business is not going so well for them or something?:?

Well, the issue (or at least my personal issue with it) is that even though vdH, she, and I all agreed upon the diagnosis, she never changed it in my file. So, she didn't diagnose me officially. I am also going to discuss this with her, because I feel like it leaves me in a vulnerable position if I would need to change Ts. Before, I never saw the relevance of pursuing diagnosis if we agreed & the treatment is tailored towards OSDD/DID.
It wouldn't have mattered for the clinic anyway, because they insist upon doing their own diagnostics.
The group is their "skills group", working with the book. Honestly, I'm starting to think that they just don't think that I would 'fit' in their group. Maybe they just don't think I need it. The reason I wanted to do the group is because T and I have started to work with the book and I found it very challenging and wanted more support with it.
The clinic advised me not to work with it anymore, because it would supposedly stand in the way of integration. I think that's #######4. The more I focus on parts and doing parts-work, the more integrated I feel.
They also have a group for C-PTSD indeed. I have no idea why they didn't even mention that to me.

It's fair to say that I am not a fan of the clinic.

Also, I'm glad you feel similarly about talking. <3

This is getting so weird. The T who diagnosed me also adviced against getting too involved with the 'experts'. Since I got triggered in the same way by that book as by the books of Alice Miller, who turned out to be a very abusive mother, and since O vd H referred me to that T with unhealed DID (like, WTF?), I don't know 'what side to pick'? Because on the other hand, that same T who adviced against vdH, also refused to refer me to that clinic of horrors when I asked, because she wanted to 'try herself first' (pfff, there's still so much anger there). So, her opinion doesn't mean that much in this case, but now even that clinic adviced against.. Is this some kind of ego fight between specialists or something?

That she told you that they've diagnosed you but didn't make it official indeed makes you vulnerable. And it could be confusing for clients with trust issues (I'd fly through the roof if a T would do that to us. It's, what, done within a minute, to put 'diagnosis DID' in your file? Why not just do that? What's her 'agenda'? B). Fireheart, this should be 'the best country' for this and here we are talking about very crappy situations in T-land!!

I hope this turns out well for you. Maybe even consider changing T's? This really is a mess and it's all on your plate now:( (I'll tell you how my appointment with a new T on Tuesday went, just in case:))

Was being a coward before; want to connect on social media or something? I'll 'open my PM' in that case. If not; all good. <3

Interesting perspective... I have to say that the reason they didn't want me to work with the book because they don't think I have OSDD/DID. So it would supposedly make the dissociation worse, because it refers to talking to parts, etc. It was again very invalidating because when I said that it was helpful, they said: "Yes, there are general things about sleeping and things like that. Maybe that was helpful to you." But, no. It's mainly the parts work that has been helpful to me.
But also, I haven't been through programming or stuff like that, so I probably wouldn't pick up on those subtleties about the book like you have.

It's really messed up in T-land over here.

Let me know how it goes with the T.

I need a bit of a break to calm down from all this stuff, but I like the idea of connecting on social media. We'll just have to think/talk about it some more.
Take care. <3

Hi fireheart, yes, a break, I completely understand. We had major flashbacks after that positive post in our journal, because of getting paranoid about this subject, so same here. I'm sorry if we made you restless with our intense response to this. My experience indeed is different, with the programming and stuff. And I probably sometimes 'confuse' 'corrections' fromt T's with mind-control, so my triggers can also be 'over the top'. We'll go back to talking less about that stuff because it scrambles things up in here (as well). Again, sorry.

Take it easy, good luck tomorrow/this week, it's up to your T now to reassure you. <3 <3

You didn't do anything wrong!
It's just all very intense stuff.
I'm sorry you had major flashbacks.
Hope you're okay & good luck with your appointment! <3

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Oh phéw, guess I was projecting then Yeah, it's all very intense. An easy fix for early childhood trauma would be awesome.. a very easy practical fix making it irrelevant if a T is an ok person.

We're ok now, thank you, and we hope you are ok as well.

(I did not see what was in that next post and I'm sorry you went through that 'oh no I want to take that back' feeling)

<3!