SCID-D assessment

I like the link and it helped me understand my window of tolerance more clearly. When our crisis started our window of tolerance became so much smaller and our comfort zone shrank to almost non existent. What would have previously been green for us was now red and we were so overwhelmed all the time and had no clue how to make things better and desperate for help but no one we talked to seemed to be able to help us.

We understand more now and slowly we are trying to make things better but we are still afraid of pushing to far and going into the red and feeling like we are drowning in the bad again. Thanks for sharing.

I'm glad things went well with your T.

We thought the same thing as the clinic, really glad to read this.

NyxX wrote:I like the link and it helped me understand my window of tolerance more clearly. When our crisis started our window of tolerance became so much smaller and our comfort zone shrank to almost non existent. What would have previously been green for us was now red and we were so overwhelmed all the time and had no clue how to make things better and desperate for help but no one we talked to seemed to be able to help us.

We understand more now and slowly we are trying to make things better but we are still afraid of pushing to far and going into the red and feeling like we are drowning in the bad again. Thanks for sharing.

I'm glad things went well with your T.

I'm glad the link was helpful to you! Sounds like you went through a really rough time.
It makes sense that you will be taking small steps now. "Slower is faster", remember.

Bejer wrote:We thought the same thing as the clinic, really glad to read this.

Honestly, this really scared me when I read it. You also thought she was tricking me?
Is there something I am not seeing?
I am terrified of that.

Maybe it is foolish, but after three years I think I HAVE built up trust & attachment with the T. That's dangerous because even basic decency makes me excuse bad behaviour from people because I just want to salvage the relationship.
I really, really want things to work out with this T.
I'm going to ask all the same questions as last time when I'll see her today.

Hi fireheart, we thóught it, but after what you told here, we don't think it anymore!

I don't think it's foolish, at all, that you feel trust. I think you can trust thát.

"That's dangerous because even basic decency makes me excuse bad behaviour from people because I just want to salvage the relationship.
I really, really want things to work out with this T."

Tell her exáctly that? And indeed ask éverything that will help you be reassured. <3

Ex

(Have to go do my thing around the house now, talk to you later. Hope you'll have a good day!)

Thanks for writing, Bejer.

It's such a strange idea that one could trust their own sense of trust.

We also have to leave now & go do life things. Have a good day!

Yes, I hear you; that's a strange idea. How did it go? Gained some more trust? I hope so.

Thanks for thinking of me.

It was pretty intense.
No, my trust didn't grow. I think she thought to herself that it doesn't matter what she says (true to a certain degree) - she did ask me to think about what would PROVE that she believes me.

Most importantly, I told her about the sleepless nights spent in fear lately. She could tell how tired I am.

She noted that it's been retraumatizing (which I already concluded). One of the things she said was that it must be so scary to not even know if you can trust your own T. That has been one of the worst things about it indeed.
And to doubt your own experiences so much.
She drew some parallels to the past - how others' truths and feelings were always considered more important and more valid than mine.

I brought two toys that I still have from that period that I am having flashbacks to at night. Every time I look at them or touch them, I am right back there.
She held them as I told her about the period of time, which was somehow really nice.
We agreed that I will try to take care of them this week & she said that if it doesn't work out, they can stay with her for a little bit and listen in on therapy so they can also have some therapy.

I really hope I can figure out how to sleep again.

$#%^, flashbacks and insomnia, that sucks real bad. Do you have more help than just the T? At home, social worker, something like that?

I don't really understand why she couldn't diagnose you now, and I don't want to mind too much of your business, but I keep on thinking; isn't that where this whole thing gets confusing? But ofcourse I don't know the whole story, wasn't there etc, and I hope you'll think of something she can do, to gain back trust.

If those toys give you the flashbacks, please just remove them from your sight <3 <3 Giving the toys 'identities' who can also get therapy feels wrong. They are triggering for you, you've just been re-traumatised, this is not the right time to stir that up, in my opinion. If I remember correctly, you had to slow your T down before, with traumawork/phase 2 you didn't feel ready for?

First things first; deal with your problems with sleeping, the flashbacks, the emotional rollercoaster you júst came out of, with the clinic, she should be working hard on your stability now, not this stuff, in my opinion and I'm sorry if I'm out of line here!! But for now please just take care of your rest and don't have the toys within reach/sight when you go to bed (or at all; there's truly no reason you'd have to 'face that' nów). <3!

No, I don't have other help. But with some luck I'll be back on my feet soon...

You have a point about not doing trauma work. Ah, I really don't know. I was the one with the idea of involving the toys in the first place, not her. I said that I had the weird idea that maybe taking care of them would help, but I wasn't sure if I could do it and maybe I would rather leave them with her for a while. She didn't explicitly say it, but I think she is aiming for exposure ("if you can tolerate it").

She encouraged me to take them home, but did say that thing about how I can lend them to her for a while if it doesn't work out. I know it's weird, but it made someone inside very happy when she treated them as imaginary living things. It felt age-appropriate to someone.

Last night I made sure they were "well-taken care of" , and I managed to sleep through the night !!!!!!!

So, I don't know.

I certainly will focus on stability. Or, at least I will try to force myself to actually do that. I want to do trauma work because I want to feel better. (I know it doesn't work like that). I'm sick of the flashbacks and everything. I wish the past did not affect me at all.

fireheart wrote:I want to do trauma work because I want to feel better. (I know it doesn't work like that).

It really doesn't work like that. Maybe not all of you believe that? I know I have a part or parts that just want to forge ahead without considering our feelings, in the name of making progress, and that always backfires. What works toward feeling better is more communication and cooperation in achieving current daily life goals and meeting everyones's needs. I think maybe your T also has the belief that more trauma work sooner will make you "feel better," and that belief also pushes you to ignore what other parts are needing.

fireheart wrote:I'm sick of the flashbacks and everything. I wish the past did not affect me at all.

I think that grounding and stability in the present is the most important so that you can stand it when you have flashbacks and know how to back away from them as something you will deal with someday when you feel stronger.