SCID-D assessment

Wasn't she also harsh about your past, not long ago? Is she the 'rub it in'/'sensational' type? She's clearly not stabilizing you now and that's her freakin' job. It's hér job, especially after being your T for three years, to watch your window of tolerance. It's perfectly fine that you come up with ideas and you don't have to be right about those ideas. It's also perfectly fine that different parts want different things. Therapy is to help you with that, not to just go with the sentiment the T likes most or something.

Tom Oortwijn is a specialist, who has room starting from november. He's too far away for me, maybe you try? To be more honest, I don't like how your T treats you. She probably means well, you probably feel that and trust her because of that, but this is not responsible (that she never arranged a replacement T, just in case, either. That she started talking about quitting years from now, neither. And that frase 'it must be so scary to not even trust your own T' gave me the shivers. I'm trying to be very careful with what I say about this because I don't want to make things worse, but it's been on my chest and that frase sounds insensitive to the least)

So maybe two of your gutfeelings are right; a) she means well, you can trust thát, b) she has no clue.

The thing with the toys is another mistake of hers. You took them with you to tell her that they triggered you, instead of talking about grounding when you're triggered, she encouraged you to 'work with them' at home, on your own, right after the stuff with the clinic. I'm actually quite pissed off. We're talking safety here, and your mental health.

Maybe you're afraid to tell her to slow down? Maybe you want to 'perform'? Be a good patient? Make her proud? I SO hope that's not the case.

Ex & B

Hi The Gang,
Thank you, I think your analysis is spot on.
It's intimidating because I think depression is playing up again, and daily life seems very threatening. Having goals seems impossible. Enjoyment even more impossible. A future? That's like imagining a color that doesn't exist yet. In that sense, maybe the past is easier to focus on because if I can "just fix it" then maybe I don't have to be miserable all my life?
But I guess that belief is very skewed.

Hi Bejer,
Sadly, that T is also too far away for me. But thanks!
It reminded me that there are options...

Yes, those gut feelings are probably right.

I am afraid of not getting better, that's my main fear. I'm afraid of running out of time. I'm afraid that this is just how it's going to be. I still haven't gotten better... maybe I just haven't had the right help, but I am afraid that the right help maybe just doesn't exist / or is utterly unavailable.

I do think the unconventional stuff, like with the toys, helps. But I need more structure and guidance. Some way to be caught when I fall.

I sent her an email saying that I need more guidance and that I'm scared she doesn't know what she is doing and that I certainly don't know what I'm doing & that I don't think I can get better by myself.

I think it will probably hurt her feelings. I also asked about session times in the email, and she just replied telling me the session time, but saying nothing else. I feel bad about it, but at the same time, it's true. If anything, I need a careful approach to trauma work.

Ok, I added a more elaborate, friendly explanation.
More about how I need a clearer plan with grounding exercizes and such, that she will also keep in mind and remind me of.

You shouldn't need to be worrying about hurting her feelings when expressing your honest thoughts and feelings because she is there to support you with those thoughts and feelings not the other way around.

fireheart wrote:I am afraid of not getting better, that's my main fear. I'm afraid of running out of time. I'm afraid that this is just how it's going to be. I still haven't gotten better... maybe I just haven't had the right help, but I am afraid that the right help maybe just doesn't exist / or is utterly unavailable.

I'm so sorry:( It's not true. I feel that way often too, but it's really not true. It's how people who have early childhood trauma feel, because of it. It's not true. The situation isn't perfect, in T-land, but the right help dóes exist.

fireheart wrote:I do think the unconventional stuff, like with the toys, helps. But I need more structure and guidance. Some way to be caught when I fall.

Exactly. And; right time, right place. No unconventional stuff without thinking it through and putting your wellbeing FIRST.

fireheart wrote:I sent her an email saying that I need more guidance and that I'm scared she doesn't know what she is doing and that I certainly don't know what I'm doing & that I don't think I can get better by myself.

I think it will probably hurt her feelings. I also asked about session times in the email, and she just replied telling me the session time, but saying nothing else. I feel bad about it, but at the same time, it's true. If anything, I need a careful approach to trauma work.

She's your T; she gets payed for this. Please don't worry about her feelings. Your concerns are real, even if it was all 'projected flashback', which is not the case, they're real and I think it's very good that you expressed that. That's what therapy is for. And I'm sorry that she ignored that. I think that's a boundarie thing; 'modern' DID T's approach the boundaries different than 'PD T's'. For a good, evidence based, reason.

There are options!! I'm not giving up as well! Let's not give up together!!

-- Tue Oct 02, 2018 7:44 pm --

NyxX wrote:You shouldn't need to be worrying about hurting her feelings when expressing your honest thoughts and feelings because she is there to support you with those thoughts and feelings not the other way around.

Exactly!

What you are doing with the triggery toys is not therapy, it is "white knuckling". And your T really, really doesn't know what she is doing with you, if she thinks triggering you like that is therapeutic. Please listen to us, slow down, stop experimenting.

Una+ wrote:What you are doing with the triggery toys is not therapy, it is "white knuckling". And your T really, really doesn't know what she is doing with you, if she thinks triggering you like that is therapeutic. Please listen to us, slow down, stop experimenting.

<3 This.

Hi NyxX,
Yes, that is true. Thanks for the reminder. I'm just very afraid of messing up the relationship.

Hi Bejer,
Let's not give up together, indeed.

Hi Una,
Thanks for introducing me to the term "white knuckling". I found something about how there's "white knuckling recovery" in reference to AA and it describes perfectly how I refrain from a lot of things and it's making me feel depressed/hopeless, rather than empowered/recovered.
In this case, I assume you refer to being exposed to the triggers without being given means to deal with it/stay grounded?

Yes, I will listen to you all and focus on slowing down and grounding.
My plan is to focus on building routines. Eating & sleeping. Then when that's fixed, add in yoga in the morning. Then focus on adding more opportunities for joy. Then hopefully practise with more tools for grounding.

(And inner communication, too. At some point. I remember that it helped a lot with stability in the past.)

fireheart wrote:I assume you refer to being exposed to the triggers without being given means to deal with it/stay grounded?

Yes, this. And more. White knuckling is trying to keep it together by sheer willpower. By "bearing down", "doubling down", "trying harder", "muscling through" and so on. People do this instinctively. And it may seem to work, sort of, for a while.

By the way, exposure therapy is used for PTSD but is not recommended for clients who have severe dissociative symptoms in addition to PTSD.

fireheart wrote:My plan is to focus on building routines. Eating & sleeping. Then when that's fixed, add in yoga in the morning. Then focus on adding more opportunities for joy. Then hopefully practise with more tools for grounding.

(And inner communication, too. At some point. I remember that it helped a lot with stability in the past.)

If the communication isn't there anymore, it certainly isn't the right time for traumawork, I think. And yeah; basics. I hope you felt better, today, and that you'll sleep well tonight <3