Diet / health sabotage

This is something that's difficult for me to talk about, but maybe folks have some suggestions.

My original role in our system is diet and fitness. I've been working at this for over 2 years. Lost a huge amount of weight and building muscle, getting active, etc etc.

Recently we figured out that Melissa was snacking when she's watching her cartoons. She'd eat healthy snacks when available, but if not, she'd find something else. Not upset with her, but trying to understand. Then we noticed hunger has been really massively increased. I can usually resist it. Melissa can't. I don't know if the teen can't, or doesn't try.

Then it came out about a week ago, that we think Mike is the reason for this. He seems to be a protector, but he sounds kind of lazy? Or that he was happier when we were obese.

He basically said he didn't have to worry that much when Stephanie was host, because:
"fat chicks are invisible, nobody bothers them, nobody wants anything to do with them. You idiots are gonna get yourselves hurt. The older one dieting and working out, the younger one dressing up with jewelry and makeup, you're gonna draw attention to yourselves and get in trouble."

So where before he could just take it easy and not worry that much, now he feels like we're making more work for him, and I'm worried he's trying to make us regain weight, because he thinks its safer?

I just threw out a bunch of non-diet food that's turned up in the fridge, and I know I have to be way more vigilant again about what gets bought, what gets eaten.

If anyone has tips or suggestions though on how to manage the situation, I'd really appreciate it. I really don't want to see the 2+ years of progress be lost.

-Violet (1)

Maybe there is a way for you to talk to Mike about this? Or for your therapist to talk to him? There is a safety concern from his side, and those reasons always seem to weigh the most in the end (in our experience). Perhaps if you can show him evidence that things are different now (and being fit would not bring you in an unsafe position), he might start to feel differently.

I'm just freely associating now, but what if you would take up a self-defense class or something like that to reassure him?

Also, if you are feeling more hungry, it may be a sign from your body? If you've been undereating for a while, there comes a point where your body starts to protest.

we solved this by starting to practice kickboxing.
it is one of the hardest workouts out there, good for strength and cardio and agility.
very tough sport that burns a ton of calories.
it also gives us the ability to punch people, faster than they can ever see it coming, and punch hard.
it doesnt make sense to compromise with your health by being overweight to protect yourself when you can use your fitness and strength to protect yourself.
go find a self-defense or martial arts class. boom, safe again.

L with Annett who is our health freak

Thank you both for the replies.

We haven't been undereating, but have been eating healthy and appropriate amounts. And I do a lot of cardio, an hour a day usually. We aren't at a healthy weight yet but we've made huge progress.

I've just tried to talk with him. Mostly I talked a lot, he told me to f--off a lot, but at least I knew he was there and listening. And I did get some feedback in the form of feelings and images, along with the swears.

I explained that being safe from outsiders isn't much good if we die of heart attack, stroke, or diabetes. And I suggested we could take a self defence class. Or he could start doing some weight / strength training. I hate that. I could do the cardio, he could do the strength stuff.

This did bring up one other thing though. It's not just a safety thing. This was more through feelings, but I get the sensation he is afraid of the body getting more feminine.

Like there's nothing feminine about being a big human blob lol, but the more weight we lose the more 'curvy' we get and then the teen is going to put us in clothes that highlight this more, and I think that is bothering him?

I did tell him we could get him some clothes that'd make him more comfortable maybe? We'll see how that goes.

Thanks for the suggestions and advice!

-Violet (1)

we once took time for everyone to paint how they see the body and what they would like it to look like. we also marked areas we feel uncomfortable with. it was a revelation to see how areas some were proud of caused distress for others. and how much gender impacted all this. maybe it could help you too.

Thanks, that's a really good idea!

Several of us have created images of what we look like inside using a website. It's sort of idealized / anime / cartoonish but it's really helped us with visualization.

We haven't really thought about or asked what areas of the actual body other parts dislike or are uncomfortable with. We'll give that a shot.

-Violets 1 & 2

fat = safe for us, too.

we struggle.

We've been revisiting this topic / these thoughts, as the diet sabotage seems to be getting worse again. It's like, intrusive thoughts or whatever? I don't know who they're coming from.

Like just writing in the journal how we gotta get focused on dieting again, and 15 minutes later someone's thinking it's time for a snack or something lol.

And someone is very excited because tomorrow is apparently 'national donut day'...

The only thing we've managed to not mess up is excercise. Still doing that every single day, but the diet is like, all over the place.

Like from a diet point of view, it feels like we're a weak-willed loser. How do you complain about having trouble dieting when you keep buying icecream for the littles or someone hijacks the body and buys donuts or some other 'forbidden' snacky foods. And like we know it's not that we're really weak-willed, but then we think maybe we are using the DID as an excuse and we really are losers or whatever.

We dunno what to do... or we do know what to do but we're having trouble doing it.

Not sure if we're even looking for help or advice or whatever, just venting a bit and trying to come up with a plan to keep us sticking to the program. It worked for 2 years. The past 6 months (basically since the DID thing blew up) we've been stuck / stalled. And afraid we'll start gaining again, or maybe we already have...

V2, with input from V1

I don't really have any answers, but I think you should give yourself some credit for exercising every single day. That is really admirable!!

I've been too busy recently to do the type and amount of exercise I want and need, and we've really suffered because of it. Starting next week, we will have more time, and have big plans--usually we work out 6 days a week because there's one day that's always too busy for that.

But don't just gloss over that ongoing accomplishment--it's major!

For sweets, we have a general one dessert or treat per day rule--small, not more than one serving. Would some kind of rule or limit that wasn't a complete ban be easier to stick to? And maybe a food log?

Thanks Gang,

The one dessert / one treat per day rule sounds like a good idea. That way noone's being completely denied, we're just trying to keep it managable. We already keep a food log, via a website / app, but unfortunately not all of us update it. Eg. if someone 'sneaks' something, or one of the littles dig into the icecream when we're not looking, it hasn't been recorded.

We're also starting to realize that this is just one of a few areas of life that we've let things sort of get out of control. Just trying to get our head around stuff and losing sleep over it all.

V2