Is there always "somebody who knows"?

So my therapist, who has a lot of experience with dissociative clients, keeps telling me, when I'm confused about what's going on in some situation, that somebody knows, somebody meaning an alter.

An example I'll give is who is out when we're wasting time at work. It feels like me but I'm not able to stop it (or am I unwilling??) and it's frustrating. But this is just one example of some situation where we don't know who's influencing us, if there's influencing happening, if there's anyone else fronting, if more than one of us are blended together. We really can't figure out the full picture for what's happening, who's driving, who's influencing, who's present, who's watching, who's triggered, etc. etc.

I would be fine if someone is hiding the details I'm seeking, I'm sure they'd have their reasons. But I sit there in therapy, listening inside for some sense of what someone may know. I get definitive answers at times like "it's me" (gives name) or somebody says "leave me alone" but more often I get a sense of confusion. Like nobody knows what's going on but they know enough and are being honest to say they don't know.

It's not like even I have always known I was a distinct alter. I'm John and I used to think Johnny in front was just me using "my" social skills. Heck, I used to think what Mick, Ulric and Ryder did -- and they're all really different -- were just me too. None of them used to see themselves as separate alters either, they just did what they did. They were not thinking something like "well, I am not the host but I am going to do this."

So the therapist telling me somebody knows just doesn't ring true for us. I'm looking inside for any sense of an answer to "who knows" and I often get a clear feeling: none of us knows. Some of us think we or a particular triggered alter is probably involved but we don't know exactly how. Mick feels like he's in front a lot of the time but when I've been able to pull back (if that's what's happened), leaving him in front by himself, he feels like a confused kid, completely not used to being in front. What gives? If he's blended with a host but driving, he's not aware of doing that.

I guess what I'm saying is that many of us don't have a clear, distinct sense of our individual selves as being separate alters at all times. Some of us have caught ourselves fronting, doing things, and that alter wasn't even aware they were in front until some characteristic made it clear it was them.

It's really messy in here and the boundaries for some of us don't seem to be anything we've ever focused on until recently, since discovering this was DID. Of everyone here, Jack seems to have had the most distinct sense of being a different person, but that's not the norm and it's not universal.

Does anybody have a system where there's pretty much always somebody who knows what's happening, whether or not they're willing to tell all?

i am not sure if it's true in every system.

even though it's not the same as what you are asking, it is assumed (by my therapist) that i have an internal self helper who knows everything and who is all knowing. i am not sure if that means all the memories and knows all the others or what was meant by it exactly, but i'm not sure that is the case, although i do recall when i was a child one particular moment when a voice gave me a choice to deal with things then or not, but i was a child and didn't really understand what was meant by it. then i felt this vibration through my whole body from my head to my toes, and it was like all these memories and voices, sounds, etc. went up and away...which may have been that internal self helper perhaps in order to help/protect me at that time...though i may have the role of an internal self helper confused with the roles of others..i don't know..see...now i am confused lol

guessing with things is difficult without knowing for sure. i get confused and frustrated a lot because i want to know things, but it won't just come to me because i want to know it.

My system is very much like yours johnny jack. Like right now ive been wasting time on the computer for hours. Someone inside is telling me to get up and do stuff but I dont want to. Who am I? Right now i dont know, and i dont know why. I can feel one of the mums getting ready to take over because its time to go get the kids from school and thats not exactly optional, is it?

Like you, sometimes someone will say "it's me" or "I did it". Sometimes there will be finger pointing by the children "so and so did it", but Im not sure if they are being honest, or covering for someone else, or if they're guilty and dont want to own it. The only time I can say for sure I know who is here and who has done what is by distinctive mannerisms, behaviours or preferences (Like meat makes Asile feel sick, Emma talks fast and AT people rather then a two way convosation, Georgies paranoia.. like right now she keeps turning the web cam because she worrys the evil men are watching her through it)

I think as you get to know each state personally, things become clearer. Like above, I've learnt some of who is who because of frequent fronting and ive worked out why they do what they do.

But most of the time i have no idea who i am, what im doing or why. I dont yet have the focus, control of insight to be able to ask in the moment who is responsible for what. Maybe in time, if you keep asking the insiders who is responsible for this behaviour at work (in the moment, when your at work) maybe someone will eventually own up or you might have a light bulb moment. PS I think its a young child whos had enough rest and wants to come out and play.

We have an alter in our system that at very least knows the internal terrain in a way that no one else does. He knows who all the alters are, which most of us don't. However, these things he keeps mostly to himself. The other alters is a matter of him respecting privacy, but the terrain, I think he likes to be the one that knows all the places.

Anyway, I can definitely relate to the experience of often not knowing who is in front. Often lately I'll get overwhelmed by depression and lay in bed for hours on end. In that time I'll think that I'm the one present. Then I'll try to move my arm or leg to get out of bed and I won't realize that someone else is fronting and I'm just in the passenger seat until I realize I'm almost yelling in my head to get up, because my body won't respond to me and neither will whoever is in front.

I feel the same way, and T says the same thing.
it is messy, blurry.

Part of what is going on here is the therapist using a standard suggestion designed to build up a client's inner resources. It is not specifically a DID therapy technique. Another part of what is going on may be that you are at long last reaching the bottom of your personal barrel of monkeys ...er... self states.

In an integrated person there are no separate me's to speak up and say "I am the source of that" but here is the key point: Our separate me's have exactly the same problem that any integrated person has. Underneath whatever surface explanations we have for our behavior, whatever rationalizations, our deepest motivations are obscure unless we spend a fortune doing a psychoanalysis in depth, and even then we may not truly identify the source. Our deepest motivations, our drives, originate in the primitive non-verbal and non-conscious parts of our organism: our hind brains and our bodies.

We experience this lack of clarity often, much to our frustration. To make matters worse, we usually can't see each other on the inside, so we end up having to do a lot of guessing.

We've identified every monkey in the barrel, but sometimes the monkeys get tangled up among each other and we can't tell which ones are nearby.

MDs

At least we're totally cool monkeys

Iain