keep on keeping on

I blocked him directly after the last therapy session when the T lifted an eyebrow over the fact that the message even got thru. no words needed.
I think I am at the point where I am getting over it. putting it into words here has helped.
so maybe it was meant to trigger and maybe not. maybe this is harmless fun to people who are not traumatized...
but I have to work with what it did to me. and for me it was triggering as hell.

I actually started to feel a bit of hunger last night and this morning. so maybe I am breaking the spell. I tried to look at too many issues at once to pinpoint cause and effect.
I had breakfast today. i bought cake, like a special kind of breakfast. Maya took over and went back to bed. when my friend came over she woke me up from deep sleep...

the Littles are weird these days. they are so tired. well, Maya is tired and often goes back to bed in the morning. Thamara is still holding her anger. she is doing it without the need of someone to help her co-regulate. looks good, she has really grown in her capacity to regulate herself. it is so nice to see that what we do, and learn in therapy, actually helps.

I do realize that we might have gotten too many new items in a very short time. it is like we are overwhelmed with integrating them into our home and life. never thought that was work too. we rarely get new items. I just ordered a special yoga pillow for good posture for our meditation practice, the last new item for a while. I think I will go and seek interaction with all the new things in the hope that we can make them our own.

it takes time to adjust to positive change, too.

the yoga pillow sounds cool. glad you blocked him. important to keep yourself safe.

keep on trucking, birdsong.

therapy was super difficult.
we wanted to speak about Thamara and the bad mood. she has become a lot more like a moody teen after the birthday. like the exercises in containing anger changed her. she is also very angry and I get to feel a lot of it.
It wasn't exactly the plan to have me front but somehow I got stuck there. then Thamara wanted to share memories about the mother, but she also didn't front to tell the T because the T is a woman too and she can' trust women. so she wanted an adult to tell but L didn't manage to front, so in the end I had to tell and L helped inside. Thamara seemed a lot older. More like 13 than 8.
I am not comfortable with all the emotion. not with the stuff tht seeps in and absolutely not with sharing difficult memories. there was just no way out of that situation without telling the T outright that I am an asshole and won't speak for Thamara.
the T reacted sober, no unnecessary emotions and no talking like we are a poor little victim. she honestly tried to help us with the situation inside more than anything else. I like that a lot. I hate pity. she took the little we shared without a flinch and without getting confused about time. sometimes Ts react like things are happening now and how are we supposed to stay grounded when they aren't.
we are still stuck with a difficult emotional situation. serious betrayal. injustice. random meanness. and the search for an inner solution.
the thing is, there is a memory of helplessness and betrayal. and that has to be honored. there is also an anger and rage about it today. that needs to be expressed somehow. but for Thamara it still sometimes gets mixed up. so she ends up with helpless rage and that seems to be a mix that is turned against us in reenactment of some serious violence. so we need some kind of past-present division and know that we can't make the helplessness go away with our tricks to solve it in the present. we need to find a way to deal with the memory of it. you can't regulate a memory, can you?
I know all the emotion stuff in theory. this one is tricky. we have to work for it, that much is clear. I hope we can make it without injury.
the T kept repeating that the solution is in solid core values. I know we build our system on that. but we never tried to apply any of that to the past. we will have to reflect on that some more. it looks like this is the Ts solution to deal with what she hears. core values. she felt very solid and strong in that although she didn't share any of her own. she is always just pointing us in a direction.

the pain is really bad today. feet. hands. back, muscles. face. like all our chronic pain problems at once. Barely made it back home from the train station. mild dissociation. its been ages since we got shaken like that. it was really difficult work and now there is more difficult work ahead.

Hi Asti,

We're glad that you talked to your T and that she responded in a way that was helpful to you. And we hope that you and Thamara feel better soon.

Charity, Mary, and others

y'all are strong as ###$. we have some inside who really relate to the anger rage helplessness and that age. we can't even imagine being able to deal with it. so Aelen and Marga just live in the woods and never talk to any of us. it all kind of sucks when you think about it.im trying to be helpful but maybe not doing a good job.

we think you are awesome.

BeccaBee wrote:so Aelen and Marga just live in the woods and never talk to any of us.

Same with Aurora17.

BeccaBee wrote:we think you are awesome.

Ditto.

MDs

the T actually suggested moving Thamaras room away from others so she can be alone if she wants to, gets some distance. teens... since when is she like that? it is hard to get used to the idea.
but I hope we don't have to make it a forest. she is really not so angry with us as she is with the mother. and possibly the T at times. it is real work to tell that apart.
right now it is mostly the question who can be trusted.

we are like the only system out there that has everyone grow older all the time. only Maya hasn't changed. we will be running out of Littles one day! I think the therapy shows.

I am not sure what to think about the values problem. so we have core values that keep us from revenge. but they don't solve the problem of where to go with the feelings of anger and betrayal. forgiveness is too big for now. all we can do is to be on our side.

I don't feel very awesome. it is super difficult stuff and we only take care of things for like 5 minutes on a good day.

I feel like we haven't made any progress with the mother/rage thing. Thamara is less aggressive and more like in a curling-up-and-leave-me-alone state. I don't know how to help. I just don't know.
Maya is not doing well at all. I am not sure what happened and she isn't able to express it. she has been in some kind of meltdown state for days. When I draw closer I feel overwhelm and fear and despair. We keep checking different areas of our life to see what went wrong. like the frantic crew of a ship trying to figure out where all the water is coming from.
it might be the heat. it might be that we had to cancel therapy for next week because we are in no condiction to travel for 4 hours when its 102° outside. is she attaching to the T? in the past we never noticed when she did.
is it that we will still have to do a 6 hour trip in the heat to interview the SE T next week? or that we see a new person and its scary?
Is it because she kind of lost Thamara as a constant playmate and there are new things going on? they didn't do well together when we first started but they have become like sisters. and now that relationship has changed completely.
Asti is not interested in learning or writing either. she is doing embroidery because she says that it helps her to not think at all.
too much fear of the future? too much difficult emotion about memories? Asti keeps going into hardcore avoidance whenever there are difficult emotions or relational things to deal with or physical pain.
the date? do we react to summer solstice? If we do I never noticed before.
a family birthday coming up? the facial pain?
I just don't know where to start or what to do, so I let Asti embroider thru the night.
we lost any rhythm and basically eat, sleep and shower at random times

So sorry you folks are still going through a hard time.

OMG, 102F? AKA 38.8C?

Empathizing with you and sending good thoughts.

MDs

yes, I meant 102°.
have I mentioned that where we live there is no AC?
except like in grocery stores.
guess where I will be spending time
(imagine I added a picture of me sitting in the coolers next to some chicken)

things don't feel super hard but I guess that is because the front people here are mostly numb.
I wish Maya would feel better. I am so sorry for her.