Suicidal thoughts **obvious trigger warning**

** trigger warning, suicidal thinking **

I have automatic suicidal thoughts every single day, for decades. Virtually any experience, good or bad, can lead to them. Once I get lost in them, I can ruminate about ways of dying for hours, more or less. I've identified some of us who seem to work together to keep them on place. Some are irrational, some feel pretty reasonable. They're mostly about avoiding or ending my emotional pain. I feel death by suicide is my inevitable future. I believe that more than I believe almost anything, yet I recognize it's just a constructed belief. Worse, it's a habit of thought.

I've identified some combination of alters who keep us holding on to suicide as an out and keep certain positive things from happening. The idea of having to live this life, being forced to continue somehow is terrifying. Having to live feels like a sentence, my punishment for unknown crimes.

At the same time, there's plenty of evidence I also have a strong life force and a will to live, for mostly unknown reasons. The desire to survive is probably the same as everyone else's. Humans are mostly pre-wired to keep breathing.

It used to seem repugnant to me, to hurt a little, even if they're me. But we're all moving closer together and we know we're all one person. I thought I had a point here. Maybe not. Maybe I just feel like getting this logged along with all the rest of my posts. It's a major part of us and we usually post much more hopeful things. We rarely display the dark side, which is just as much us as everything else.

I wish there were death booths, like there used to be phone booths. Drop in a quarter and you vaporize, quickly and without pain. I love that idea. Maybe in the future, when the planet is too crowded. It's a bitch sensing what you could have become, knowing it will never happen.

*Trigger Warning*
I can relate to this post a lot, as much as I hate to say that. Usually suicidal thoughts for me creep up after something negative happens. It can be something like missing an assignment or having an argument with someone. I also fall into that bad habit of thinking of all of the ways I could kill myself and it's hard to stop the thoughts once they start. I also have that part of me that wants to live. I think it's just because I have too much respect for myself to kill myself, but it could just be self perseverance, like you said.

I could never inflict physical pain on myself, and I don't know if that's because I don't want to feel the pain or it would be too hard to hide the scars. I feel it's more of the second one so usually I resort to imaging killing myself over and over again mentally until I feel better. For some reason it works. I'm not sure why, but I feel it's better than the alternative which would be to actually kill myself in real life, where I would only be able to do it once. I also think fear of the afterlife keeps me from killing myself since I have no idea what awaits after death and I don't think I want to know to be honest.

It feels good to get that off my chest. Thank you for making this thread.

I lost my brother to a self inflicted gunshot wound.

I will never know what he was thinking or why in those last moments.

I know that for me, with the grief I have experienced from a loved one's suicide. I will never inflict that pain on the people who love me

Sometimes i will get a little visual of how easy it would be to drive into an overpass at 80mph. but hey, you def don't wanna mess it up.

Have you seen the hypothetical design for the euthanasia rollercoaster?

I think I struggle more with anxiety about my health and dying. I am fairly convinced I will die youngish. and I worry about leaving my daughter. I worry about having money and a legacy for her. I ruminate on increasing my longevity.

I am grateful that I do not struggle with suicide or self harm.

I think it can be important to talk about it.

Keep fighting! Keep walking!

i have struggled with this for as long as i can remember, even at 9 or 10 years old (briefly).

at some point, sometimes even when things in my life seem to be okay, i'll have it triggered. i used to think it was always just me but have realized that i don't think it is.

i had an experience a few years ago where i was experiencing very severe suicidal thoughts and depression triggered by a lot of stress, and something pulled me inside and kept me trapped where i was talking to what i assume was an alter (but who i had never known about/talked to before) who was making me feel those feelings and was telling me i had to do it, why i had to, etc. it was so intense that it took everything left of me to fight it, and it was so scary. i never had that type of thing happen before, and to this day it still confuses me and scares me because to be trapped like that is terrifying.

at other times, as much as the thoughts and urges are there, there is still the ability to at least resist and get away from them a bit easier.

i also struggle though because there is not the option of going to the hospital for help (inadequate services), so it adds a whole other layer of fear when it's strong and i try hard to fight.

but it has always been an out for me too...and it's the default when things feel impossible and overwhelming which makes me sad because it is not anything i care to feel even though years ago at times it was almost a relief to feel it since i knew there was a way out..but i was still trapped in a dissociatve aspect while also going through it..so for me, it seems it can change aspects depending.

we feel suicidal on a daily basis as well. Even on good days, good moments, the thoughts of escaping through death can be a preoccupation. And a contradiction. I love moments of solitude with nature and am grateful for the opportunity to experience being alive on plant earth. Yet i want to die. daily.

I do and don't choose to live for the people around me. Of course I do because I have people in my life I don't want to abandon. But living for other people doesn't get at the core of the problem. For me it avoids it.

It used to be I had a few suicidal parts, and was compartmentalizing the feelings, but as we merge we identify with each other and share these type of feelings. Suicidal and SH included. This is hard. I have always believed a lot of my splitting is a form of suicide. Not of the body but of the soul. Each part, at some point did not want to go on and "be" any more in the current situation. Leading to the formation of a part that could. But that is us, and not all.

Through the help of my T I embrace these feelings without action. Suicide feels like a choice. That there is an option if that is what I really want. But I avoid acting on those feelings. Like being mad. I can feel mad but I don't punch, kick and scream at people. I feel suicidal but I don't harm the body.

it is not a complete solution. But avoiding the feelings makes them worse for us. We can't compartmentalize like we used to. so I try to engage it like any other emotion I am learning to engage. and choose carefully what my actions well be in response to that emotion.

but it sucks.

perpetuo27 wrote:i had an experience a few years ago where i was experiencing very severe suicidal thoughts and depression triggered by a lot of stress, and something pulled me inside and kept me trapped where i was talking to what i assume was an alter (but who i had never known about/talked to before) who was making me feel those feelings and was telling me i had to do it, why i had to, etc. it was so intense that it took everything left of me to fight it, and it was so scary. i never had that type of thing happen before, and to this day it still confuses me and scares me because to be trapped like that is terrifying.

i had something to say to this but I can't keep the train of thought. I'm just going to leave this here and hope I can construct my post later.

Violarules wrote:

perpetuo27 wrote:i had an experience a few years ago where i was experiencing very severe suicidal thoughts and depression triggered by a lot of stress, and something pulled me inside and kept me trapped where i was talking to what i assume was an alter (but who i had never known about/talked to before) who was making me feel those feelings and was telling me i had to do it, why i had to, etc. it was so intense that it took everything left of me to fight it, and it was so scary. i never had that type of thing happen before, and to this day it still confuses me and scares me because to be trapped like that is terrifying.

i had something to say to this but I can't keep the train of thought. I'm just going to leave this here and hope I can construct my post later.

Ok I think I make the post now. I was going to say that the trapped feeling you had reminded me of when I used to have nighttime visual/auditory/tactile hallucinations. I felt completely trapped, even though I knew it was own mind causing it, but the hallucinations would tell me negative things, like that I was worthless and that no one cared about me and that I had no friends and I couldn't trust anyone. Whether or not they were trying to drive me to suicide, I don't know, but it feels like they might have been.

Just wanted to stop in and say, like other have, you are not alone.

I've been dealing with severe depression for 5 years so far, and have only just last year started meds and therapy. Even right now I'm getting a bit into a bad place again; I have a existineal theory, a so called "Death Plan" (which I will not go into detail here as it is somewhat mildly triggering) that basically feeds into my depression and sucide idealtion- I managed to claw my way out of the theory's pit when i first began meda, but now that I[ve been forced to keep literally everything inside because *possible v mild trigger for mentiion of father and vauge possible abuse* my dad is super intense about my schooling and only really cares about that, and sees me trying to tell hima bout it as "victim playing" and "excuses" which ishurting me and keepin me quiet im falling quite fast back into the pit but mpst of that is a topic for aother post

The thing's that have helped me have my been others -I know they won't let me die, and I can't fantom taking Life from my little, Light, even when I'm staring suicidal thoughts in the face- and finding things to stay alive for, or util to. They're kind of goals really- finsih this video game, write this book, see this place, etc, etc, then you can off yourself. And since I keep finding stuff I want to explore and see but can't right now, It;s p much ensuring I don't die until it
s (the goal) done.

I hope this can be some kind of help. Stay strong!

-Wolf

Dear John,

Once I thought what would I do if a person I care about committed suicide. From all the people that crossed my mind at that time, the only person I thought I wouldn't reproach was my mother. She has had some difficult moments in her life. I wouldn't want her to ever do it, nor has she ever thought about it. But if she did, I wouldn't reproach her act.

When I read this post I felt sad, because I wouldn't want you to end your life. But even that may be a selfish thought. You've shared with us some very rough experiences in your life, at an age that no one should experience any of that. So, I don't want to reproach any thought you may have.

I do wish to tell you that your posts have taught me a lot. That I enjoy reading them. And that I am glad that you post, and that you exist. I really wish you were not in pain, and even more than a death cabin, I wish there could be a "free your pain" cabin. A booth in which we could leave our pain aside.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Having to live feels like a sentence, my punishment for unknown crimes.

I don't want you to feel punished daily, for crimes you never committed. I want peace for you, harmony and happiness. So, I wish your will to live to be strong, and that life finally brings you happiness. If at a moment this were not the case. I want you to know, that I don't reproach your actions, and I wish you peace.

Sea

We can relate to this post, both as someone(s) having these thoughts and feelings, and as the granddaughter of someone who succeeded.

As we've worked to gain clarity on our thoughts, feelings, and experiences as individuals, we've come to a place in our journey where Aurora13 and I struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. As someone impacted by a family member's suicide, we have contracted with ourselves not to act on these feelings. But the feelings themselves can become unbearable at times.

We wish for peace for us all, and for each/all of you.

Charity, with Aurora13 nearby