Need Support

Thank you both. We still struggle during weekends. Charity realized this time that beneath all of the pain is a profound sense of emptiness. But I'm sure that she'll talk about this later.

Mary

I have to admit that things are going better in several ways now that our life is settling down. There's still the matter of arianna, who's 2.5, sending us very vivid mental images to try to describe her emotional pain. She's nonverbal.

***TW for mention of violent imagery, no details ***

The visuals, which are too graphic even to post with a trigger warning, are not actual memories. They're purely metaphor for her emotional pain. The emotional pain is so intense that it spills over to others in the system (me/Charity included), and incapacitates us often on weekends.

The nature of the imagery has changed from showing violent actions and/or an adult voice saying horrible/insulting/violent things to scare us into a non-functioning state. As many here know, sometimes what seems to be a frightening adult is really a frightened child. The only difference here is that we've known for quite a while that it was really arianna. When she realized this, she stopped sending those images/voices.

We confined her to her room for everyone's safety, something that we never do, and had one of the teen protectors look after her. arianna began throwing things around in her room in anger, but she soon stopped because we told her that she would have to pick up everything that she'd thrown.

It was after that that she sent us the latest visual image, which was of herself rather than an imaginary adult persecutor.

***End TW***

It seems strange to say, "Well, other than that, things are going better for us." Sort of like, "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" But it all makes sense in a way, and I'm the kind of person who avoids analyzing things, because I'd rather just honor the feelings.

As to what's going well, some of us can't help waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Charity and others

MakersDozn wrote:
It seems strange to say, "Well, other than that, things are going better for us." Sort of like, "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" But it all makes sense in a way, and I'm the kind of person who avoids analyzing things, because I'd rather just honor the feelings.

As to what's going well, some of us can't help waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Charity and others

1. that's hilarious! (not sure that you meant it to be) it's old enough history that that is not a mean joke, right?
2. yes I know what you mean. sometimes excessive rumination and analyzing is just another way I distance myself from emotions.
3. yes - always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm glad things are "going well". and I hope arianna starts feeling better soon. button was about that age. now she is Amy, who's 4. but it took her a long time to open up to us. she was very shy. and she couldn't talk or see for a long long time.

you've dealth with a lot lately. work and house were stressful for quite a while. plus the car things and family stuff! I hope you are cruising into a smooth patch!

BeccaBee wrote:

MakersDozn wrote:It seems strange to say, "Well, other than that, things are going better for us." Sort of like, "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" But it all makes sense in a way, and I'm the kind of person who avoids analyzing things, because I'd rather just honor the feelings.

As to what's going well, some of us can't help waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Charity and others

1. that's hilarious! (not sure that you meant it to be) it's old enough history that that is not a mean joke, right?
2. yes I know what you mean. sometimes excessive rumination and analyzing is just another way I distance myself from emotions.
3. yes - always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm glad things are "going well". and I hope arianna starts feeling better soon. button was about that age. now she is Amy, who's 4. but it took her a long time to open up to us. she was very shy. and she couldn't talk or see for a long long time.

you've dealth with a lot lately. work and house were stressful for quite a while. plus the car things and family stuff! I hope you are cruising into a smooth patch!

Well, we were a toddler when JFK was killed, and we grew up with the urban legend about the parallels between Kennedy and Lincoln. Back then, the Lincoln joke was considered very dry humor.

Thank you for validating my need to simply feel rather than analyze. That's who I am. We have enough analyzers inside, and they do a very good job of it. But we also have many who are simply more suited to simply being with their feelings. We each have a right to be who we are.

It's taken decades for us to learn how to balance safety with authenticity. We're still learning.

And thank you for telling us about Amy. We've seen her post here. We're really glad that she's accomplished what she has, and we're sending her cheers.

Charity and others

Maybe one of these days I'll actually believe that our co-workers respect us, and that they don't see us as a neurotic, mentally unstable freak.

Charity and others

Hi,

Balancing safety with authenticity. That's seriously scary to even think about. We decided a long time ago to NEVER tell about our DID. We even lie to hide it when people ask about stuff they don't understand. But I wish we didn't have to lie. Sometimes I think how neat it would be if I could have friends and just be me sometimes and everybody thought that was ok.

I don't see you as a freak. I think you're smart and really help people on the forum.

Iain

Thank you, Iain. We're glad to count you and yours among our real friends.

Had a horrible weekend. Saturday we were incapacitated all day with a migraine. By yesterday morning the migraine was gone, but our emotional struggles weren't. And aren't.

Right now we feel like throwing a brick at our window of tolerance.

MDs

Hi MDs,

Sorry your weekend wasn't good. I'm glad the migraine is gone, sorry the emotional stuff is still getting to you.

I hope things clear up for you quickly!

Violet

Thank you, Violet. Right now there are several of us trauma-holders with intense emotions jumbled up like a cubist Picasso painting. Or a bowl of spaghetti. Or a bunch of brassieres that get tangled together despite being washed in a separate mesh bag. Tangled.

I don't want to deal with any of it. I don't want to deal with any of the others. I want it all to go away. I want to live moment to moment, without obligations. I want to be formless and inert. I want to not be.

But I'm here. We're all here. In one big jumble.

Charity

Hi Charity,

I'm sorry you're all tangled up like that. I've been there, it's not a great place to be.

Do you have anything you can use to help you to just be in the moment, even if it's just for a while? Something fun or distracting for you to focus on?

Like for me, I'd set up a playlist of my very favorite music, turn it up really loud, and then do something distracting. Focus on something, like a simple work task, or a game, or even some cleaning. Between that and the loud music, it helps me forget all the other problems and entanglements, and I can just be me for a while.

Violet