How are you today thread (trigger warning)

We're kinda disappointed this morning.

We were supposed to have therapy yesterday but our T cancelled/rescheduled cos she's sick. (Again.)

So it was gonna be first thing this morning instead. We're up now cos we woke at 2am and couldn't sleep and got an email from our T saying she's still sick and wanted to do our session on the phone.

I emailed back and said no, we're not comfortable with that, so we want to reschedule again. Didn't say in the email but, its like, we have hard enough time feeling a connection to her in person. On the phone i don't think we'd feel it at all.

I don't know if we'll get to see her again for a long while tho. This would have been the last session for like a month, cos she's going on vacation and we gotta go into hospital for a surgery later this month. We wanted to talk about that cos there's a lot of fear growing inside about the hospital.

Mike is angry and saying he told us so, that we're wasting our time and money with her. That this is the sixth time she's last-minute cancelled on us. I know people get sick or whatever, things happen, but it does feel like it happens a lot. And even when she doesnt cancel she's late a lot too. Like we don't matter, there's always other things that's more important for her time and attention.

So I dunno. We're sad. We feel disconnected again.

I know it's not our place to comment, but I kind of agree with Mike. You need to be with a T who can support you.

We are ok it has been a busy day.

KawaiiKitty wrote:I know it's not our place to comment, but I kind of agree with Mike. You need to be with a T who can support you.

Thanks. I think we're gonna start looking again to see if there's someone else around.

Part of it is cos we can't afford to go more than every other week. But we last saw her in August. Now we won't see her till October. We really needed to see her before we hafta go to the hospital.

Questioning again if it's even worth bothering with therapy at all.

Hi Vs and whoever else,

It's definitely worth "bothering" with therapy, in my opinion, but NOT with someone unreliable. All the feelings you described are perfectly valid, and I think it's great that you felt strong enough to say that you only wanted to see her in person instead of settling for something that wouldn't really work for you.

And if you have to only see someone every two weeks, you definitely need someone who won't keep canceling. Miss one, and you're waiting a month to see them, if they can't reschedule.

If your current T is good with DID, then perhaps she has referrals she can give you. It's appropriate for you to explain why this isn't working for you and ask for referrals to other Ts who might be good.
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We have to work today and had a lousy night's sleep. It's partly because I've really upped my exercise recently and my body is getting used to it. But also some parts are very stressed out about our current schedule. Also, the littles get really upset last night because the husband doesn't notice when he's got a skin injury or infection and WE noticed a big red swelling somewhere. What's up with that? I'm so hyperaware of things in my body (most of the time, except when I'm not ) that I would never NOT notice something like that.

At least this time instead of getting angry at him, I was more aware that it comes from the littles being scared that something will happen to him, so I could feel that and cry about it. That is more motivating for him to take care of himself than me yelling at him, but I still have to tell him WHAT to do (like, you have to go see a doctor tomorrow...). So then we were all riled up and couldn't get to sleep, and we've been waking up before 5 each morning, not able to fall back to sleep again. And now I'm putting off getting ready to go to work.

Thanks Gangs.

I think you and KawaiiKitty and Mike are right... she doesn't have any DID training, we're her first DID patient, and she said she was gonna read up more and stuff but we don't know if she ever did.

We think about firing her and looking for a new T but then we feel guilty. People get sick. Life stuff happens. It's not her fault.

But then Mike is all, She's cancelled 6 times in 9 months. Always on short notice. Once it was less than an hour before our session. We've never cancelled or been late once. We're always on time and usually early. Maybe she could take our appointment times as seriously as we do. Maybe she should take better care of her health so she doesn't get sick so much. Maybe she's not sick at all, just using it as an excuse to take off early for her vacation.

And then there's fear and laziness and complacency... we know her, and she's close. It's so convenient to be able to just walk to her office. Having to find someone else, then meet them, go through all the introductions and stuff again, find out if they're any good or not, and nobody will be as close or as convenient to get to.

But maybe someone else will be more reliable and better trained.

It's so much easier to do nothing and just be passive and just wait till she's back. *sigh* And damnit this just spirals back to our attachment issues. We cling to people who treat us like $#%^ because that seems safer than being alone or trying to find someone new. *deeper sigh*

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Gangs, your husband's lucky you notice that health stuff for him. And good on you for recognizing that the fear/anger was coming from the littles, and knowing how to handle it.

Most of us tend to ignore that stuff or have a blindspot to it.

V2 etc.

6 times in 9 months is way too much:( I'm sorry you're in this situation, VioletFlux!

We went for another long walk today, this time about 4.4 km, just wandering the streets, pretty much aimlessly, listening to Disney music. Despite the music we had several episodes of being on pause., as well as general drifting many times. More than once we uttered phrases which made no sense as they came with no context whatsoever. These symptoms; are they worsening? Or are we just noticing them more?

We are reading The Haunted Self, a book about dissociation. It is very scholarly, and not for the casual reader. It has a companion workbook which, in an interesting coincidence, our T lent to us some time ago.

“Shame is a ubiquitous feeling in survivors, a result of evaluative conditioning of the self. It often remains silent and hidden, pervasively coloring the survivors’ experience. Shame is
overwhelming and entwined with fear and anger that obscure its presence. It can inhibit other affective mental actions, particularly in relationship with others (Nathanson, 1987; Tomkins, 1963). For example, shame can inhibit joy, sexual feelings, anger, sadness, and hurt.”
- The Haunted Self

Shame is a major issue with us. We have approached it in therapy on many occasions. It is hard to even write about. Just thinking about it puts a cold sensation in our chest, a conditioned fear response we feel.

“The mental action of recalling traumatic memories is “dangerous” (i.e., overwhelming), for a survivor if his or her mental level is too low to integrate them, when social support is lacking, or when the threat still exists. But with sufficient mental energy, mental efficiency, support, and actual safety, with this change of context, survivors can gradually integrate
traumatic memories and safely transform them into autobiographical narrative (episodic) memories.”
- The Haunted Self


We spent perhaps an hour or so at the library on the computer. We are home now and feeling anxious and don't know why. We wanted so much to call our T and ask if we could see her tonight but didn't. Our submissive alter Naomi wouldn't let us. A similar thing happened Monday when we called our friend _____ to see if she could talk and she said she was sort of busy and was it important and we said no, we'll be OK which wasn't the case at all. We are so easily led when in a vulnerable state.

Are we thinking about our relationship, such as it is, with our mother? It has long been an issue, one which we've kept hidden sort of. We don't talk about it, mostly because she is still alive and we (despite what she did to us) do not want her knowing we feel she is a big part of our childhood trauma. It would make things messy likely and that is a stressor we do not need. Besides, she's made pretty clear she has no interest in changing or dealing with the past. (We once confronted her about a pretty major transgression of hers and she completely denied it ever happened.)

Our relationship with her is a complicated one. We still strive for her (and our father's) approval, or at least some of us do. When we are with her we can feel rather small and childlike, but we're not sure who is fronting then, clearly one of our littles. We also become submissive, thanks to Naomi again.

Well shazbot. We asked a friend to go for coffee but she can't and neither can our brother. We sooo want to call our T and see if we can see her tonight.

We just hate feeling like this, like we're on edge but don't quite know why, sort of restless while being alone and lost. We are experiencing anxiety symptoms. It probably doesn't help that we haven't eaten today. We don't want to either, which can't be good and may be becoming pathological. Earlier today we were wondering how long we could fast for in an attempt to lose weight, funny how that is an issue now, it sure wasn't when we were a guy.

Writing does help. So does music, and anything Disney. We've been dissociating too much lately. We feel our writing makes no sense, a perceptual issue. We have felt like therapy sessions were very disjointed but our T says they followed some sort of progression. Our self-perception is often skewed. It is no help that our overall self-worth is, if we are to be honest with ourselves, is, well, abysmal. We don't like admitting it but if we look inside, really look, we have not the self-esteem we should.

“Each of the three phases of therapy emphasizes a specific set of economic principles. During the first treatment phase, stabilization and symptom reduction, increasing mental energy may be an initial goal that lays the groundwork for a second major goal, that of improving mental efficiency. In Phase 2, treatment of traumatic memories, mental energy and efficiency must be sustained and developed further for the patient to take major steps toward
resolution of his or her traumatic past and attain realization. In Phase 3, Personality integration and rehabilitation, the emphasis of therapy is on raising the mental level to a degree at which the patient has success in major areas of normal life.”
- The Haunted Self

We are entering Phase 2 of therapy and have been for about a month (we think). We have found it to be destabilizing and resulting in an increase of our dissociative symptoms. On the other hand, the work we are doing in therapy is worth it. We say that with a confidence we don't really possess; it is, we suppose, one of those 'fake it till you make it', or 'no pain no gain' things. In all actuality it is progressing slowly, slower than we'd anticipated (perhaps we were expecting some sort of dramatic breakthrough on the horizon?) due in no small part to our selves not particularly wanting to look at the past. We have somehow erected a barrier (which looks like a wall of fog) within between us and the past, or at least its painful bits. In a recent session we became cold with fear and our T gently steered us away from that path; clearly we are not yet equipped to see what was there. She is amazing at making sure we don't venture where we are not yet prepared to go.

“A core problem for survivors is that they often perceive attachment as a threat, and thus avoid it, but are also unduly threatened by perceived attachment loss. They are haunted by expectations of betrayal and loss because that has been their previous experience, and also because their perception-motor action cycles remain strongly influenced by the defense system, and thus they are unduly focused on threat cues in relationships.”
- The Haunted Self

There was a thread in the DID forum about attachment recently and we didn't quite understand till we read the above quote. We did post about our lack of close relationships throughout our life but it hadn't occurred to us exactly why; well, we'd figured it was due to not having proper attachment in our formative years, that we would perceive attachment as a threat had not occurred to us and we're not sure it applies to us or not. We'll have to give it some thought.

Here's another theory; because attachment for us meant to be hurt, abandoned, or abused in some way, we didn't develop proper attachment skills (if there are indeed such a thing).

Yet another theory; we were angry at our parents for not protecting us from the sexual abuse. Corollary to that; we also felt somehow that we deserved to be abused. Dialectical I know but probable. I expect the latter to have been far more damaging.

littleDaria wrote:
“A core problem for survivors is that they often perceive attachment as a threat, and thus avoid it, but are also unduly threatened by perceived attachment loss. They are haunted by expectations of betrayal and loss because that has been their previous experience, and also because their perception-motor action cycles remain strongly influenced by the defense system, and thus they are unduly focused on threat cues in relationships.”
- The Haunted Self

Big fat depressed 'yep' to that.

Looks like you're doing a lot of good work, littleDaria, good luck.

I'm having a weird day. offered on a house. working from home because of the hurricane. pops is in the hospital with pancreatitis - I'm not sure how severe it is, but he isn't icu so I'm guessing he will be ok.

I don't like weird days. I am not working too hard today. tomorrow there is no work.

I think actually it is best place for him to be because is hospital. good.

strange things happening today.

VioletFlux wrote:Thanks Gangs.

I think you and KawaiiKitty and Mike are right... she doesn't have any DID training, we're her first DID patient, and she said she was gonna read up more and stuff but we don't know if she ever did.

We think about firing her and looking for a new T but then we feel guilty. People get sick. Life stuff happens. It's not her fault.

But then Mike is all, She's cancelled 6 times in 9 months. Always on short notice. Once it was less than an hour before our session. We've never cancelled or been late once. We're always on time and usually early. Maybe she could take our appointment times as seriously as we do. Maybe she should take better care of her health so she doesn't get sick so much. Maybe she's not sick at all, just using it as an excuse to take off early for her vacation.

And then there's fear and laziness and complacency... we know her, and she's close. It's so convenient to be able to just walk to her office. Having to find someone else, then meet them, go through all the introductions and stuff again, find out if they're any good or not, and nobody will be as close or as convenient to get to.

But maybe someone else will be more reliable and better trained.

It's so much easier to do nothing and just be passive and just wait till she's back. *sigh* And damnit this just spirals back to our attachment issues. We cling to people who treat us like $#%^ because that seems safer than being alone or trying to find someone new. *deeper sigh*

People do get sick life does happen but you are the client and it is not your job to worry about her it's her job to consider your needs. If she has cancelled 6 appointments over 9 months, that works out at 6 out of 19.5 that means 31% (rounding up.) You said in addition to cancelling appointments she is also often late. That is unacceptable and shows that she isn't considering your needs and how her behaviour impacts you. I think you deserve better from your T.