Identity Crisis! Answer ASAP, if you can?

We need help. Please?
She told our parents we aren't demons. She thought she was helping, which I understand. But now the dad says the mom is really worried. Faith tried to explain what happens when one of us fronts, etc... But I was thinking about coming out during a therapy session (our next one is on Thursday and we're not sure if we can wait that long) and explaining to the parents what we are, answering questions, etc... But the dad thinks she's just making all of this up. My God, you can't tell a child what she sees and experiences, believes and thinks are fake! He just thinks we're a bunch of voices in her head telling her to do things (that's not true either).
And then I wonder if I should even come out during therapy or not. If the host should just tell the parents that yes, it was in her head, and yes, she will tell "the voices" to do away and they will. But we won't stay down for long, no matter if we want to or not.
And what if there isn't a we, if there isn't a "us" or a "we" and what if we're just all fabricated "alters" "personalities, trying to make it in a world that "they" know will not except "them" and "we" should just go away and because "we" are not there and were never "there, here" and "we" are just nothing but a bunch of jumbled thoughts.
And "who" cares who it is right now? And does it really matter? And "I" don't know what to do to help "us" and should "we" just lie "our" way out?
But "we" can't ignore the fact that when "she" comes out again, "she" won't remember at first, "Why am 'I' here" and then it'll all hit "her" like a brick and "she'll" think back on the memory and know that those weren't "her" fingers typing on the keyboard...
~And I'm still cold, always cold~ And they still refuse to believe "us", and so why should "we" even bother with any of "this" and "I'm" still confused about everything...
Shadow

So, I'll try to help... I hope it helps.

Desiria wrote:And what if there isn't a we, if there isn't a "us" or a "we" and what if we're just all fabricated "alters" "personalities, trying to make it in a world that "they" know will not except "them" and "we" should just go away and because "we" are not there and were never "there, here" and "we" are just nothing but a bunch of jumbled thoughts.

There is a "we". You are very real. You are not just a thought.

Desiria wrote:My God, you can't tell a child what she sees and experiences, believes and thinks are fake! He just thinks we're a bunch of voices in her head telling her to do things (that's not true either).

This.
Think of everything you experience. That's not just imagined. What would be the use of it? Why would you 'want' all the confusion? You aren't acting. Have you ever tried to? How I become sometime, I just can't act like that. I can't fake that voice. At the very least badly. Remember - denial is common. Very common. Maybe even part of DID.

Do you need your parents to believe you? I stopped caring about that a long time ago. I stopped depending on them. Yes, for a place to live, but not emotionally. Not anymore. And it was such a relief! Yes, I would like them to see why I dissociate and that they are at the very least part of the cause, but I don't expect my father to fully recognize what he has done (not that I blame him, but I do blame him for not getting help himself so he passed it on).

A thread of mine that might help. It's about how I handled denial once:
All so surreal (venting) *TW see post*
Another thread dealing with denial (just in case you didn't see):
Done living this lie
You've probably already seen this one, but just in case:
*DDNOS/DID RESOURCES: symptoms, common questions, etc.*
And this one:
FOR ALL WHO QUESTION HOW THEY HAVE DID/THINK THEIR'S IS ODD

I hope this helps. I'm sure you'll get through this.

shay
in
hurry
but
no
one
lies!

no
one
fake!

all
real!

this
all
real!!

it
matter
who
is
who
because
even
alters
want
be
themselves.

shay
no
want
act
like
cassandra
anymore!

shay
no
want
hide
anymore!

and
that
ok!

that
shays
right!

all
deserve
freedom!

all
deserve
acceptance!

all
deserve
understanding!

all
deserve
care!

all
not
deserve
hide!

therapist
could
help
with
everything.

therapist
could
help
explain.

if
shadow
-

shadow?

that
shays
name!

full
name.

shay
nickname.

but
if
shadow
come
out
then
therapist
and
shadow
can
help
explain
and
answer
and
show
together!

then
maybe
parents
see.

if
not
then
therapist
can
see
how
blind
parents
are
and
know
that
they
be
problem!

shay
hope
this
help.

feel
better.

shadow
might
feel
like
shadow
but
even
shadows
are
very
real.




~s
h
a
y~

Desiria wrote:And what if there isn't a we, if there isn't a "us" or a "we" and what if we're just all fabricated "alters" "personalities, trying to make it in a world that "they" know will not except "them" and "we" should just go away and because "we" are not there and were never "there, here" and "we" are just nothing but a bunch of jumbled thoughts.

If there wasn't a "we", then you wouldn't be here posting. None of you would exist, have names, or anything like that. You are all very, very real. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

*Possible Trigger Warning, talk of DID development*
I know this has been said before, but I'm saying it again.
We all start out with neurons that help to form our personality.
DID is caused by trauma/extreme stress (not necessarily abuse), and the interruption/disruption of the personality developmental processes.
In normal personality development, the neurons will become structured, they'll "meld" together in a way, some will be kept, some gotten rid of, and in the end, they will be fully structured and form a whole personality.
With DID development, the structuring process gets disrupted/interrupted, and so the neurons stay separated. These separated neurons form "sides" of a personality, and it's these separate neurons/"sides" that later create/develop into alters.
Basically what I'm saying is that you were all there to begin with, or at least, the blueprints for you to be developed were always there. People with DID start out "split", and all alters are created through needs in childhood. Alters might not have further development until later on or they might develop more as they go through life, but the "blueprints", the beginnings, of the alter were always there. All alters that are here were always there, even if you weren't aware of them or don't know about them yet or didn't know about them until recently. So all of you most certainly are here, you have always been here, and none of you can just "go away" or "disappear" because you're all parts of the same person and parts of each other.

*End Possible Trigger Warning*

Desiria wrote:And "who" cares who it is right now? And does it really matter? And "I" don't know what to do to help "us" and should "we" just lie "our" way out?

Lying is never a good idea. It won't help you, it won't help therapy, it won't help the others, and it won't help you to progress. It matters because you all deserve the freedom of being yourselves, and you all deserve to be cared for, loved, accepted, and understood equally. You all deserve to be treated well, and you all deserve to be/feel safe enough to all be yourselves.

If your parents aren't going to believe you, then I'd just write them off as a lost cause, and just stop bringing it up/talking about it as much as you can. You may have to start "hiding" a bit behind the same name and sh*t like that, too. It sucks, and you shouldn't have to hide, but sometimes it is needed in order to lessen the amount of sh*t you get from the parents.

If you think they might believe you if you can have your therapist help you talk to them about this stuff though, try going that route. Sometimes people won't believe anything until a professional shows them the facts and explains away their doubts and sh*t like that. (They shouldn't believe a pro over their own daughter, but unfortunately, that's how some parents/people are).


Best of luck with all of this.


-KAT

Sorry, no colors. I'm typing on 3DS.
I feel empty. Worse than last time. I didn't even remember who I was, just absolutely empty.
I still feel empty, just not as much...
I tried killing myself, mentally. Cross wrenched the knife out of my hand, but I still couldn't feel anything. Nothing.
Maybe I'm just that- a demon. Heartless
Emotionless
Maybe I just don't feel like myself
Because I certainly
don't feel like myself now...
Just
like nothing
Shay-Shadow? Sister? (Is it ok if I call you that?)
Help, someone. Please?
-Shadow,
(Nothing, Blank?)

We are trying to help you, but only you can choose to take our words to heart.

-KAT



shadow
can
call
shay
shadow
or
sister.



shadow
not
demon.

not
heartless.

if
was
heartless
shadow
would
not
care
about
any
of
this
or
feel
bad.

sometimes
shay-shadow
feel
nothing.

sometimes
there
too
much
to
feel
so
shay-shadow
stop
feeling.

it
not
last
forever
though.

maybe
shadow
just
going
through
change.

maybe
shadow
need
explore
self
and
redefine
self.

maybe
it
help
to
make
lists
of
things
about
shadow.

what
shadow
like,
what
shadow
not
like,
what
shadow
want,
and
so
on.


this
thread
might
help
shadow.

it
about
blank.

blank
is
blank,
or
least
feel
blank.

here:
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic105520.html


maybe
blank
and
shadow
can
discover
self
together...




shay-shadow
hope
shadow
feel
better
soon.

shadow
need
take
care
of
self
and
do
things
to
help
shadow
feel
better.

shadow
deserve
that.




~s
h
a
y~

It's Vance. Or, at least I think most of that empty feeling I was getting was from him.
Vance is white. No, I'm not impyling a racial slur. His hairstyle is like Jack Frost's, his hair is white, his skin is ivory, even his da** clothes are white! His eyes are blue, like ice blue. (Pale blue?)
He says he going to numb all of our emotions and then kill us all, and put us in the Cells, then start over again with Cross and Dallan.
(God, our life seems a hell of a lot like some twisted soap opera now...)
Honestly, everyone hates Vance. I'd honestly feel sorry for him if he had emotions. He says that emotions are weak, and that he doesn't need emotions, so I figured he was some kind of robot. I asked him (He answers questions, but they usally have very cryptic answers or they're very curt) and he said he's barely. Barely human.
I'm more of the "if you talk to me long enough I'll make you feel like hitting me either way" person, while Vance is really more of the Jedi mind trick sort of person. He uses telekinesis, (can throw people around rooms, etc...)
it's really hard trying to fight him.
It's like punching a brick wall. I'm "black" in terms of color of my (aura? energy) and Vance is white, so it's sort of funny how he's hard to fight but easy to fight at the same time...
More next? Sorry I don't have much time to type and think he's coming back again... *sigh*
-Shadow (Was back...)

vance
wrong.

must
fight
vance
all
together.

must
stand
together.

vance
should
not
kill
anyone.

vance
should
not
take
all
emotions
away.

l.c.
and
luna
rarely
feel
emotion.

l.c.
nearly
always
apathetic.

but
they
help
others
not
hurt
others.

they
not
take
emotions
away.

they
help
others
to
be
apathetic
when
needed
in
certain
situations.

that
it.

vance
wrong.

it
weak
to
not
have
any
emotions.

vance
the
weak
one!

it
take
strength
and
courage
to
show
emotions.

it
take
strength
and
courage
to
show
feelings
to
others.

it
strong
to
have
emotions
and
show
them!

kat
used
be
like
vance.

kat
learn
kat
was
wrong.

kat
learn
real
strength
is
to
have
emotions
and
show
them
when
appropriate.

kat
learn
real
control
is
to
not
let
emotions
blind
or
control
you
but
to
still
have
them.

kat
learned
it
take
more
strenght
to
let
tears
out
than
to
hold
them
back.

kat
learned
kat
was
the
weaker
one.

kat
stronger
now.

kat
much
stronger.

kat
better
too.

kat
help.

kat
lead.

kat
teach.

vance
could
help
if
he
choose.

nothing
wrong
with
any
of
you!!

you
not
need
a
"restart"!

you
not
need
anything
vance
wants!

just
like
apathy
have
appropriate
time
and
place
emotions
have
appropriate
time
and
place
too.

both
are
useful.

both
are
helpful.

both
can
be
had.

shay
hope
things
get
better
for
shadow
and
everyone.

stay
strong
everyone.

we
all
fight
hannibal
together.

it
help
make
it
easier
and
we
stronger
together.

shay
hope
you
all
stand
together
against
vance.




~s
h
a
y~

Just some things I was thinking about last night that I didn't get to post, condensed in letter format (You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, as I'm sure you guys have enough stuff on your hands. This doesn't have to be answered now, as I feel much better than I was feeling before.

I feel tired.
Typing takes too much energy.
Moving takes too much energy.
Breathing takes too much energy.
I promised I wouldn't hurt the body, so I won't, but I feel absolutely horrible.
"We" aren't real, are "we?"
"I'm" a demon, and "I" need to go. Leave. But a demon should enjoy ruining a person's life, even if it meant theirs was destroyed.
A demon shouldn't cry themselves to sleep. A demon shouldn't want to die however many times so that "she" can live"her" life and be free of "me", at least.
Maybe "she's" faking, "we" are not present, past, future, anything.
"I've" killed "myself" five times already. I've always came back.
"I" don't care anymore.

Hi it's Vance. Vance has changed priorities. Vance wants to help Shadow. Vance knows that we are not faking. Vance does not know why he does but he does. The rest of us have tried to convince Shadow but it's not working...

I wish someone would tell me I'm a horrible person. That I don't deserve this, don't deserve anything that I'm a bad little demon and deserve to be punished, because I do...
There's no reason for us to be here. Faith hasn't really gone through any kind of trauma. She got bullied 3rd-4th grade, like, every day, came home crying...etc. But is that really neough of a reason? It was only verbal, after all.
*You can't pull on a cat's tail if a cat doesn't have one, so you have to pull on something else...*
Shadow [Demon?]

HI there i might not be of much use but thought id try and give you some encouragement.

I dont know how you feel on a personal level as im a single personality but i feel i can offer some small advice and some words of comfort. In terms of relationship with parents you are in the same boat as my girlfriend and her bubbles (just new to this and none have been noticed by anyone before so i dont know names). Her Dad doesnt visit her and thinks she is a drama queen and her mum just doesnt want to admit it to herself, her mum is still in total denial. I thought that some of the advice ive been given has been helpful and id pass it on to see if it helps any. For example if your parents dont understand or dont want to understand then find a good friend or partner who you can trust and confide in or find a good counsellor who you like and who has experience in dealing with DID. Im not sure about US law as im in the UK but in the UK you have the right to see as many counsellors as you like till you find one that you are comfortable with. You have made huge steps already by thinking of or having made yourself known to the family and now its up to them to believe it or not. It might take a bit of time for them to understand i mean hell ive known about my girlfriends bubbles for half a year and thats me just clicked whats going on! I think its important to know you are not the only person going through this as some people on this forum who are more qualified to tell you than me would say.

Ive come to recognise when my girlfriends bubbles are there and to be honest that was before i realised possible DID. Now ive done some research i feel a lot better and more able to deal with her and her bubbles. It might just take some time for them to come round!

Not much sorry but hope it offers some encouragement and i wish you the best.