Done living this lie

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We all believe you're real here Shay. You have a voice here, even if you're mute. You are in obvious distress and I can only hope Cassandra will see everything you've written and communicate back to you - cause you're doing a great job communicating!

Is there any way you can express more of what you need to 'say'? Could you write? Cut out letters from a magazine and put them in an order that conveys what you need? Draw it out maybe? Or write more lyrics for her/us?

We all believe you and we're here for you as best we can. Best wishes!

I'm done living this lie. It's time to come clean. I can't do this anymore. I can't live my entire life in a lie.

Shay is not real. There never was a Kat or Kataki. There was never anyone except maybe Cassie. There aren't any boys. I don't lose time. I'm aware throughout all of it. It's all an act. An act I have to stop.

I was an impulsive person who did things, said things, and acted certain ways without thinking and then later regretted them. I still am impulsive, just not as much because I finally f*#king grew up a bit. I couldn't cope with the things I did or said or how I acted on impulse, so I came up with reasons to explain them. I'd heard of people with "darker sides" and I'd seen people lose control. So I came up with "sides" that I'd "lose control" of to explain the sh*t that I did. But it's time for me to come to accept that I'm simply a horrible person who's made some huge mistakes. No more lying. No more "sides" to take the blame I deserve to cope with. No more "sides" to take the responsibility I should have. There was never anyone else but me. Me, the out-of-control, cheating b*tch. Me, the needy, attention-starved brat. Me, the over-reactive, angry @$$hole. Me, the too-weak-to-cope-with-myself f*#k-up. It was all me. I just created reasons to try and make me seem like I wasn't such a bad person. It wasn't me, it was this part of me. Well, I'm done with that bullsh*t. No more. Time to stop running from the truth.

I don't think an apology could ever cover what I've done, here or any other place/situation. But, despite the fact that you may doubt, I want you all to know that I am sorry. I'm sorry for all the lies and all the bullsh*t. You all have every right to be angry/upset with me and have every right to dislike/hate me. I just sorta...started living my lie a little too much, and I didn't realize it until I was in kinda deep. I didn't mean for it to get so real. And I didn't mean to hurt anyone. But then again I seem to be a master at that, so I don't know why I don't expect it by now.

There's not much else to say I don't think... I won't disgrace this place with my lies again, so none of you have to worry about that. I wish you all the best of luck in your struggles, and I hope you won't let people like me affect you too much.

Hi tomboy24.

Oh, do I know those feelings! After writing the 'Full truth' topic, I have wanted to do the same. To just think that I'm completely crazy and off my head...that I imagined everything and that these new parts don't exist.

But they do. This is all true. I know how f***ng hard it is to accept and sometimes you really gotta let out those feelings of not being able to believe YOURSELF and your own feelings/emotions and mind/memories. I still struggle with it...I believe that I have manipulated my memory myself and made up stories to just get attention... But I did not. Truth is more powerful than any manipulation or brainwashing. It breaks free from the chains and makes itself heard and seen. No matter how much you try to push it away, it will keep coming back...

I really hope you don't leave... You're a great person and help here no matter what you think!

Is this Cassandra?
Are you struggling with denial or is this another part?
I am asking, not because I don't doubt that you feel that way, but because of at least one thing that doesn't add up:
You wrote this at 7:37.
at 7:46 your profile, to put it that way, wrote:

cdrtfghjoiuyhnmkoiu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(%)(^)(&)(*)($)(#)(@)(~)!!!!!

help!!

There are people who lie about the disorder - and if you in actuality had done that, for the sake of argument, I wouldn't feel neither betrayed nor hurt (though I don't know you as well as some others here so that may not be worth much) but I'd just hope you'd find help for yourself because I'd hate for you to be upset and have a life that you don't feel welcome in and that you were having symptoms such as the ones you would have then. I would want the best for you no matter what was wrong. I highly suspect this is your denial or denial part speaking because of your co-consciousness, being overwhelmed or something different entirely. I do sincerely hope you stick around because you've been a great help to me and to many others with your insight

We care about you. No matter who you are, what name you have and whether or not you're co-conscious or not. Just know you are cared for. It might not help to hear from someone who doesn't know you that well - but at least it might be something

Hey guys this is cassandra's bf, Michael. I just wanted to let you all know that Cassandra is fine, she is just having a little problem with denial. Everyone is still there, kat, rain, cassie etc. just a little disorganized at the moment. I wanted to thank you all for the kind words to her and i will make sure shes reads your comments. idk when or who will be on next but they will return. again thank you all of you, youve been a help to me and to her.

I am very happy to hear from you Mike. Please send her all our best say hi to cassie too because we care about her!! yes please say hi cause i will miss her people, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone – audrey hepburn Like I said, we don't doubt her (et al) here and we hope they feel better soon. She and all of her others are so welcome here and we will send kind thoughts her way. We hope you are good as well Mike. Warm wishes!

Um, I've had this line of thinking too. I've even had discussions with Jack or some other part that we're not real at all, just made up, all of us, including me. Yes, discussions with alters that we're not real. From one point of view, it's true. We know the age of the body when everyone either suddenly showed up or the time roughly when someone began to take on personal characteristics different from another part of, eventually becoming a part who believed he was different entity. Our mind created the divisions, though not always consciously.

It's a mind game, a pattern of thinking, that's happened over and over. Three problems for us. One, it's hurts the ones who are denied and many a little has come out later and cried unceasingly about how mean I am to do that. Two, all the strange events in my life that had been explained by us having DID and there being several of us suddenly don't have an explanation again. Three, I don't really believe we don't have DID.

Hey guys its Mike again. I just wanted to give you guys an update on Cassandra before i went to work. Right now Cassie, Lynn, Ray, LC, and Luna are back, the others minus Cassandra are also there but more or less are unavailable. From what I've gathered through Cassie is that when we found out that Shay was new Cassandra went into denial cause she didn't want another alter. Shay has actually always been there but was viewed as a radio (hence being mute). There's a lot more to it and Cassie said she will explain it later, I just wanted to give you all a update. Thanks again for your support and help.

Tomboy....

It's not a lie, but to feel that way is natural. Relax.